Merry Christmas and an Update

[DenverBachelor]

Merry Christmas everyone!

 

Well, I had my court date this past Tuesday (Dec 22'nd). I had to hire a lawyer ($$$) because my family and friends said to fight it. Most of the things that she listed on the original restraining order were either outright fabrications (I never tried to gain access to her apartment at any time after our breakup) or exaggerations (i.e. "mysteriously" bumped into me and my current boyfriend at a bar on 16'th St. in Denver). I didn't even know she would be there, much less was I trying to stalk her around town.

 

The entire situation after the breakup -- esp. the time when I found out she had cheated on me during our relationship around early December just got progressively worse very quickly. The icing on the cake was getting served at my work with a restraining order and having to sit down with the CFO of our company and explain the situation. That was just a brutal day to have an armed Boulder Sheriff's Deputy come in to my work.

 

The trial itself went smoothly. I just wanted it to be over with as quickly as possible. I didn't want our dirty laundry aired in court -- both for her and myself. I wanted to make it as painless for her as well as myself.

 

After we were called, the judge gave her three options (he said "three doors"). I instantly thought, "what is this, Monty Hall?" First door was drop it, second was 120 day extension on the temp and then it drops off my record and the third was permanent. She wanted door number 3 (perm). My lawyer and I were both a little surprised because by choosing that option, it was going to get ugly in that courtroom. We had hired a detective and found out that she had put false statements on the TRO and we would pursue those as well. As soon as she picked door #3, I thought, "Oh jesus, L, don't do this. For both of our sakes."

 

The judge then turned to me and said, "I'll give you a few options, but not as many." Actually, I got three doors, too -- #1 no contest, #2 continuance at a later date, #3 fight it now. I turned to my lawyer and said let's just get this done with today.

 

The judge then decided this might get ugly (i guess) and dismissed us until he could clear the rest of the smaller cases on the docket.

 

My lawyer and I went into a private room and talked about our next move when in walks her father. I was actually really happy to see him because he's a great man and I've always respected him a lot. Having to deal with him in an adversarial situation like this trial was tough on me since he's been like a second father to me while I've been out here in Colorado.

 

He told my lawyer and I that L. may have been mistaken about door #3 and wanted to switch to door #2 instead. I turned to my lawyer and he asked me how I felt about it and I just said, "I want it over with and if it drops off my record completely, I'll gladly take the 120 days." So we drafted up something for the judge including no liability for either parties. I was a bit upset that I couldn't explain that most of the stuff on the restraining order was just nonsense but then I realized the damage was already done. Her father then turned to me and said that this would probably be the best option and mentioned a blog I had written. At first I had no idea what he was referring to and then it suddenly hit me -- I wrote a scathing blog about her when I found out about the lies, etc. and it was set to public. I changed it to private about an hour later but Google had already cached it. So that was yet another nail in the coffin of a seven year deep friendship.

 

The judge accepted the settlement and we all signed off on it. She brought her mother and father and also her new boyfriend. That didn't surprise me, but my family and friends thought that was a bit strange (i.e. he's only been dating her for 2 months and he's getting dragged to court with her). I'm sure he was there for emotional support, but I noticed he didn't look very pleased to be there. He kept looking down at the ground. L and I did not make eye-contact once.

 

So in about 116 more days, the TRO will be vacated and expunged. Apparently she is moving out in early January which is best for everyone.

 

The bottom line is that there were A LOT of mistakes made between the two of us and the seven year friendship is now at the bottom of the ocean. With time, some people will use the expression "water under the bridge" but this is more like "the bridge is underwater."

 

I will say this, though. I've learned so much from my relationship with her and the mistakes that were made. I don't hold any ill-will against her at all and hope that she is successful in all aspects of her life. I have been trying to get google to remove that blog from their cache because I don't want it associated with her name. I wrote it quickly while in an emotional state between devastated and bewildered.

 

If I could leave anyone who suffers from a breakup one piece of crucial advice, it would be this -- immediately go about your life, do not keep contact for at least a few months until ALL emotions are gone and DON'T move out but remain in the same building. I was busy with work and didn't have the time to start looking for new apartments so I moved five floors down.

 

A lot of people will say that you shouldn't be friends with an ex, but you certainly don't have to throw gasoline all over it and light it on fire.

 

There will be a huge gapping hole in my heart from all of this and a lot of it was due to my mistakes. A lot of it was exaggerated on her end -- but the bottom line is that people make huge mistakes in life but time does heal all wounds. The scars from this will be pretty immense, though. Her family hates me, she hates me, her friends hate me, her associates hate me -- I've been painted black. Funny thing is, and you all may think I'm crazy -- I love her family and I do not hate her at all. I simply made the mistake of lighting a match in a gas filled room.

 

It is absolutely amazing how quickly things can snowball out of control, how fast perceptions can change and how events can spiral down into a black hole of BS.

 

I have a lot to be thankful for, though. As I wrote earlier, I have learned a lot from this and I'm much stronger and wiser as a person. I'm also an idiot because I have too much compassion at times -- she could have shot me in the arm or leg and I would have forgiven her because I do believe that, somewhere in her soul, there is a spark of goodness that is polluted by years of poor relationships. Who knows -- I'm not a psychologist.

 

To end on a funny note, my best friend from Maryland texted me Merry Christmas and asked how I was doing. I told him L. and I were back together and going to dinner tonight but we're finding it difficult to find a restaurant with a 100 foot long table. He then texted back, "brings new meaning to 'Long Distance Relationship'."

 

Ahh well, c'est la vie.

[TaraMaiden]

 

If I could leave anyone who suffers from a breakup one piece of crucial advice, it would be this -- immediately go about your life, do not keep contact for at least a few months until ALL emotions are gone and DON'T move out but remain in the same building. I was busy with work and didn't have the time to start looking for new apartments so I moved five floors down.

 

One further vital thing you might add, is to not go venting in public and say things which much later can be held against you, used against you or even be cited as defamatory in a court of law.

You have to keep your public yap shut, and by all means write something down, vent, scream, yell, rage and get it out of your system - but safely.

No good ever comes of angry words hastily expressed.

And the bummer is, (as you discovered) you just can't take 'em back....

 

 

Ahh well, c'est la vie.

And La vie is what you make it.

 

Life is like a shopping trolley: we go partly where we want to, and partly where the damned thing steers us..... here we were all set to go fill up with apples and bananas, and we find ourselves in petfoods.......

 

....so buy a puppy.....

[Brightmoon]

Denver

 

I love reading your posts. You describe how you deal with very traumatic things and your emotions so clearly. It helps me figure out my own, so thank you.

 

I am sorry you had to go through the court thing, on top of the break up itself. It seems so unfair but you handled it really well.

 

I hear your sense of loss at losing the good and vital relationships you had with her family and people connected to her.. herself too, of course.

 

Had to smile at Tara's advice:).

And I love the shopping trolley analogy Tara....

 

Wishing you all the best Denver, as ever..

[DenverBachelor]

Thanks Brightmoon! Tara's advice was really good. You just have to realize what kind of emotional state you are currently in and avoid making completely idiotic mistakes. It was just one relationship out of many in the past and more in the future, though. It wasn't like I made a decision that ran the Titanic into an iceberg.

 

My father always made me smile with this piece of advice for when you do incredibly stupid things -- "Did anyone get killed? No? Then it'll roll on with time."

 

I've made some incredibly stupid mistakes in my life. Nobody died from them, but I've got some amazing stories to tell because of them.

[Brightmoon]

.... but I've got some amazing stories to tell because of them.

 

And you tell them so well...

I always go away with loads to bolster me after reading them:)

[XKatieX]

It's really sad how her/family/friends are all hating on you, when she lied and cheated. I'd say you'd have every reason in the world to vent out, and maybe do some crazy things.I know I would, this world is so damn unfair...

 

On a side note, its great to hear that you're recovering, and things can only get better from here on out.

 

Good luck DB

[mmk1]

DB, I hope you will also see this as an opportunity to reflect on how things ended up in court and what responsbility you bear in this relationship, as it is rarely just one person's fault.

 

I have learned alot about myself and life from counseling and I strongly urge you to seek professional help for your current situation and to make sure this does not happen in a future relatiionship.

 

I say this as someone who struggled mightly with being dumped and I hope you can still turn this into something positive.

 

Best of luck, DB.

[DenverBachelor]

DB, I hope you will also see this as an opportunity to reflect on how things ended up in court and what responsbility you bear in this relationship, as it is rarely just one person's fault.

 

I have learned alot about myself and life from counseling and I strongly urge you to seek professional help for your current situation and to make sure this does not happen in a future relatiionship.

 

I say this as someone who struggled mightly with being dumped and I hope you can still turn this into something positive.

 

Best of luck, DB.

 

Thank you MM1. I actually did see a therapist and he just rolled his eyes when I told him about the original restraining order and he said something to the effect of, "Well, what's done is done, but I don't see any justification for a restraining order."

 

I told him that I made some mistakes and that what basically happened is that L and I reached a "tipping point" (have you read the book?) and it just completely collapsed. He made some jokes about it and I said that I was fine with the restraining order since she has her life and I have mine and as long as it clears off my record, nobody is for the worse.

 

Basically the entire situation just came to a head and my lawyer even said, "I've seen some **** in my day but this is absolutely out of control and unwarranted." In the end, she felt like she needed the TRO and she got it. Who am I to argue with her opinions at this point. Seven years of close friendship just obliterated over events that got out of control. I don't blame her for it -- we're both complacent for what happened. It's just one of those things in life that are equivalent to standing behind someone on a swing and perfectly timing your push to make them go higher and higher until they rap completely around the top of the bar.

 

I've learned enough from this to keep my mouth shut in the future and tuck my tail between my legs and silently move on less I "light the match in a gas filled room."

 

It is a wierd feeling to have a TRO against you but, in the end, what can you do? Life is filled with mystery and surprises -- so the only thing i can do is add this to my list of "weird achievements" and move forward and not repeat the same behaviour that got me to this point. That also means not dating someone like my ex.