BW007 Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 I still miss someone who treated me really, really badly. Dig down deep under all the layers of betrayal, anger, disbelief and sadness and what do I get to? I want her to fight for me. I want her around. I want her physically. I want her as my best friend again. She really was that for a long time. My problem is that I don't let myself fall for someone very easily, and when I do, that is that. Ok.. I am not dumb. Over is over. Wishes aren't very useful at this point, and the end was a bunch of wreckage for me. I understand all this on an intellectual level, but I am still in shreds emotionally 9 months later. This is not ok. No one else really knows how messed up I feel about things. My heartbreak is no worse than other people's, but I even have someone nice interested in me but I am afraid I have a shipping container full of baggage with me right now. I am so defensive now and risk-averse, I don't want to make 1 more mistake, and I just don't have the elasticisty I used to. I am so mad at my ex, sad about my ex, annoyed with my ex, attracted to my ex still, and it is all futile, misplaced emotion now. Screw this crap. I wish I really did have a callous indifference for her. Hatred burns too much, especially when you know that it is really just stifled love. does that make sense? The opposite of love is not hate, I don't think, but indifference. But indifference in this is a lie. I am tired of feeling bad about her anymore.
AliveAndKicking Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 I swear I could have written this post but not nearly as articulately. You nailed "me" except for the time line. Everything else is spot-on. Eerily similar. I really don't have anything to contribute other than to thank you, I guess, for managing to put into words a great many things that I've been struggling with. Hell I don't even know if "struggle" is the right word. Experiencing maybe? See? I can't articulate anything any more it seems. What I wouldn't give for just one day of indifference. I'm too old for this crap. Too tired. Too damaged. Too something. Well... Thanks for sharing.
tVII Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 ya im going through the EXACT same thing. its so weird. i hate her but at the same time im mad she's dating someone else. siiiigghhhh. however, its good to know we're not alone with this feeling. what im doing is just working out, doing things that make me proud.
DenverBachelor Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 The opposite of love is not hate, I don't think, but indifference. But indifference in this is a lie. I am tired of feeling bad about her anymore. Indifference is the absence of love. Hate is indeed the opposite of love. I'm indifferent towards the mail man. I hate broccoli but I love broccoli and cheese soup. Go figure.
TaraMaiden Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 The question is never 'why do I have these feelings', but 'Why can I not let go of them?' That is the question upon which you must focus. What is this adding to my life, that I keep it close to me? There is an answer there, somewhere, otherwise you wouldn't do it. Nobody deliberately puts their hand in a fire and keeps it there. But, like moths drawn to a flame, you remain close and burn, even though you know it kills you. The flame is so bright, isn't it? So what keeps you going back, again and again, merely to open the wound and keep it bleeding and festering? What, about this pain, is it that is so good? What, about this pain, is it that nourishes you?
HeavenOrHell Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 I feel a lot of this too, except he didn't treat me badly, everyone knows how lovely he is and his female friends think he is wonderful, which does NOT help! 5 months on for me, after 18 years together, and I'm pretty sure it will take me a very long to stop feeling depressed, scared, heartbroken etc etc. He's still my best friend, but believe me it does not help, you will probably get through all this more quickly than me, at least I HOPE you do! ((((hugs)))) to you I still miss someone who treated me really, really badly. Dig down deep under all the layers of betrayal, anger, disbelief and sadness and what do I get to? I want her to fight for me. I want her around. I want her physically. I want her as my best friend again. She really was that for a long time. My problem is that I don't let myself fall for someone very easily, and when I do, that is that. Ok.. I am not dumb. Over is over. Wishes aren't very useful at this point, and the end was a bunch of wreckage for me. I understand all this on an intellectual level, but I am still in shreds emotionally 9 months later. This is not ok. No one else really knows how messed up I feel about things. My heartbreak is no worse than other people's, but I even have someone nice interested in me but I am afraid I have a shipping container full of baggage with me right now. I am so defensive now and risk-averse, I don't want to make 1 more mistake, and I just don't have the elasticisty I used to. I am so mad at my ex, sad about my ex, annoyed with my ex, attracted to my ex still, and it is all futile, misplaced emotion now. Screw this crap. I wish I really did have a callous indifference for her. Hatred burns too much, especially when you know that it is really just stifled love. does that make sense? The opposite of love is not hate, I don't think, but indifference. But indifference in this is a lie. I am tired of feeling bad about her anymore.
Author BW007 Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 What is this adding to my life, that I keep it close to me? There is an answer there, somewhere, otherwise you wouldn't do it. Ok. TaraMaiden, I don't know what I am getting out of this at all. Nothing but pain anymore. I wasn't done being attracted I guess, and this was all very much the opposite of what I wanted...Ok, lesson learned and all that, I guess I am still in the mode where I am fearful I won't find someone I want in my life as much. It took me so long to give my heart to this relationship. I feel like it is all a big mix up or terrible misunderstanding or crossed wires still... but that is not the truth, she willfully was a cheater and a liar and I still want to believe in her good side(which was real or I wouldn't have bothered) I really wanted her to fight for me. So TaraMaiden I am getting nothing good out of these emotions anymore. I really do miss her. Totally irrelevant. I have moved on in many ways but damned if I don't miss her around.
DenverBachelor Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 The question is never 'why do I have these feelings', but 'Why can I not let go of them?' That is the question upon which you must focus. What is this adding to my life, that I keep it close to me? There is an answer there, somewhere, otherwise you wouldn't do it. Nobody deliberately puts their hand in a fire and keeps it there. But, like moths drawn to a flame, you remain close and burn, even though you know it kills you. The flame is so bright, isn't it? So what keeps you going back, again and again, merely to open the wound and keep it bleeding and festering? What, about this pain, is it that is so good? What, about this pain, is it that nourishes you? Read this twice.
Author BW007 Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 I did... I thought about it all day. What am I getting back from these feelings? Nada, zip, zilch. I am no masochist, so I am not trying to hurt myself.
nobmagnet Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 just beacause we understand these logical things we should be feeling doesnt make it happen. I found pushing myself and making a list of reasons to either have him back or not helped me. reasons for having him back errrr oooh this is hard....... dont want my kids to have divorced parents. Reasons for not having him back he cheeted he put my health at risk by not using a condom he has no respect for me he has no repect for my kids he was really crap in bed he was fat he farted too often and laughed he was nasty to me he put me down i could keep going!!!!!! what i did was carry it round with me with a letter i didnt give him. The times i missed him (god knows why??) i read it and reminded myself what a lowlyworm he is/was. It helped me xxxx
TaraMaiden Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 BW007: You ARE getting something back from these feelings. You're getting pain, anguish, distress, resentment, anger and a sucking void in the pit of your stomach, that even pressing hard will not take away. I wasn't suggesting you were benefiting from what you're feeling, but there is a payoff, of a sort. It keeps you connected to her, in a masochistic kind of way. A bad feeling still loving her, is better than no feeling at all, from her. If being in love with her still, means feeling this bad, then we keep ourselves tortured, by staying emotionally connected. You are abdicating Reason to Emotion. You have to reverse this.
DenverBachelor Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Reasons for not having him back he cheeted he put my health at risk by not using a condom he has no respect for me he has no repect for my kids he was really crap in bed he was fat he farted too often and laughed he was nasty to me he put me down Unless he forced you to have sex (rape), then not wearing a condom is something you both allowed.
bluestraps Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Theres something to be said for perserverance. People always say If you believe in something you have to fight for it . I dont think relationships are any different. But it takes the person who is at fault to fix things . Sometimes there are some small things that can make all the difference, but I guess sometimes a persons feelings just die and there is a point of no return.I would write some letters to her explaining your hate and love for her too , to get things off your chest . But dont mail them. I did this and I think it may have helped. See , I wanted to write something to her and send it . But each time I started to write I would get to a page and it would start coming out wrong. So I have a stack about a inch high of half written letters now.
nobmagnet Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 he didnt use a condom when he cheeted and then slept with me. I didnt know he had cheeted so didnt realise he was putting my health on the line.
DenverBachelor Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I would write some letters to her explaining your hate and love for her too , to get things off your chest . But dont mail them. I did this and I think it may have helped. See , I wanted to write something to her and send it . But each time I started to write I would get to a page and it would start coming out wrong. So I have a stack about a inch high of half written letters now. Let me just say that if you write a "shelf letter" (a letter you shelve and never send), make sure you put it in a place that is hidden well if you have room-mates, parents, etc. that live with you. I once wrote a letter like that to someone and stupidly put it in an envelope and even wrote her name and address on it with the full intention of shelving it permanently without ever sending it. I left it on the kitchen table and my room-mate found it and threw a stamp on it and mailed it. I came in after work and completely forgot I had left the letter on the kitchen table. We were eating a nice steak dinner and drinking some wine when he said, "oh, I mailed that letter for you that you left on the table this morning -- you owe me for the stamp! haha." I immediately shot red wine through my nose and started choking.
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