Broke up with Selfish Ex of few months, but still miss her

[Redfangwolf]

Check this out. Normally i'm always searching for questions similar to the ones that i'm looking for, so this time i'll see what response i get with mine. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeves and pretty open about how i feel. I met this girl in September, she was in a circle of friends and we were just drawn to each other. About me, i'm a 29 year old guy with two kids full time, she's 28 going through her second divorce. So needless to say, the kids already knew who she was and met her before so this wasnt a new person to the kids. Normally i'm cautious about having them around new people but this wasnt a worry. She's made it very clear all her life she never wanted kids, her second husband harped on her pretty hard for a baby and she continued to decline. I understand someones opinion, but her reasoning to me was that she didnt want to birth a child but to have children around or grown up was okay to her. So when we got together i assured her its not a easy task to date a full time dad with two kids. She was all for it, and had no reservations what so ever on the idea. Things were great for the first month or so, she was excited about the kids and she stayed over pretty much instantly. The relationship was moving fairly quickly, she told me she was divorcing her second husband and paperwork was already in the works. This was true because i did see the paper work in the mix, even went with her to drop off some paperwork. Heres where the problems started. Roughly a few weeks after dating, we went to a halloween party. She got her boobs done, so she dressed up as a hooters girl. Thats fine with me, i know how most girls dress up it didnt phase me much. So we went, what irritated me was she started flirting with one guy. She made everyone aware who i was and i was her bf, but she said her flirty personality is how she just is, and it meant no harm. I know the dude was loving it, and i told her i was not okay with it at the end of the night. She assured me that she's a flirt, flirts with most of her friends which of course most of them are guys. I'm fine with a girl having guy friends, but when she flirts, they flirt, she said she would never let it go any further. Be it the case, its still a recipe for a bad situation.

 

Now were coming up to November. It was her birthday, then thanksgiving shortly after. Around her birthday i knew i loved this girl. We had told each other we loved each other and we knew what we had was great. We always had great sex, great communication, and what i thought a good understanding. Her birthday i bought her some neat things which she appreciated. Then we did thanksgiving at a friend of mines house. That went well, until we left. Keep in mind were both in the military, she's on one base i'm on the other in the same area. So we got into my truck, and she looks at a text she recieved and she showed me. She says hey look, this is how me and my friends are and how we joke. The guy i kinda knew, he was a married guy with four kids. His message was saying how he wanted to do her in a sexual position. She responded back to him with a haha. I was pissed, i told her thats not cool at all. For one he's married, for two its disrespectful towards me and our relationship, three she responded to him acknowledging it was okay what he said. On the ride home she tells me she's like that with alot of her friends, and its all meant to be jokes. Then she tells me another time how her guy friends will send her pics of their penis, which of course she had all kept on her email. I told her the way she's been with these guys is not cool for our relationship. She said she would tone it down and fix it.

 

Keep in mind this girl is a text nut, when were around she wants to constantly text and her phones blowing up. By now your probably thinking why i'm even still with this girl. Well yeah i do love her and we were always great together. When she wasnt around me, she was completely emotionless and rude. Treated me like a buddy, like i was nothing more than her next friend. Until the time when we would see each other. At nights and mornings she was loving via phone or in person, during the day she could care less.

 

Approaching Christmas she starts opening up about her personal life. I find out after many stories and timelines put together, that she cheated on her first husband twice. Her second husband she cheated on twice. She even had sex with her recruiter in the recruiting office, the look on my face must've said enough to her she could tell i was disgusted. So by now shes saying shes getting annoyed by my kids. She wouldnt say they were doing anything wrong, just the fact that they were always around. My last straw was she tells me she's trying to make even more friends cause she feels like she doesn't have enough. In the military, emails are the vital way of communication. So people have been emailing her, and she says they want to go socialize with her. Most of the military is guys, and i'm okay with her socializing with them. My idea was go do coffee or lunch during the duty day, i'm down with that. But no, she says if they ask her to dinner, then thats okay and i need to be okay with it. She sees nothing wrong with her going out to dinner with a guy she doesnt know, cause i'm supposed to know she'll be mine. I think its wrong, and told her i'm not having it. I was going to make the relationship last till after christmas. She helped set up tree, get gifts, wrap them, and she wanted to see the kids open presents.

 

On monday she was at a friends, she woke up the next morning with the typical emotionless attitude not giving a damn what i was saying. I told her i slept great and tonight i might have some friends over. The response was "hmm....meh. Whatev" I was pissed. It seemed so rude, and i told her that wasnt cool. She of course didnt really care, and so she let me go on the phone and knew i was upset. She said well i hope your not angry later, have a good day i'll talk to you tomorrow. That was it, i told her i was done. Told her i deserve better. She said she couldnt put all herself into the relationship cause she wanted her friends too. I've always encouraged her to still hang with her friends throughout the relationship. I told her i cant be in a relationship and put my all in if she's only willing to put part of herself in. She still loves me, i know i still love her. But its hard. I told her i need time, but she still wants to be close. I told her we werent put together so i can be her friend, that maybe some other time but for now i need to not talk to her for awhile. Christmas makes it rough, but i'm hoping to get by this. We've only dated not even a few months, but our connection seemed strong. Whats all your opinions??

[CentralJersey]

You...and especially your kids, deserve better. I'm pretty laid back and not a jealous guy...but I wouldnt put up with what she's been doing.

[Back2dabasics]

i agree with Centraljersey. you deserve alot better. but do what makes you happy just don't get hurt inthe end.

[Space Ritual]

Check this out. Normally i'm always searching for questions similar to the ones that i'm looking for, so this time i'll see what response i get with mine. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeves and pretty open about how i feel. I met this girl in September, she was in a circle of friends and we were just drawn to each other. About me, i'm a 29 year old guy with two kids full time, she's 28 going through her second divorce. So needless to say, the kids already knew who she was and met her before so this wasnt a new person to the kids. Normally i'm cautious about having them around new people but this wasnt a worry. She's made it very clear all her life she never wanted kids, her second husband harped on her pretty hard for a baby and she continued to decline. I understand someones opinion, but her reasoning to me was that she didnt want to birth a child but to have children around or grown up was okay to her. So when we got together i assured her its not a easy task to date a full time dad with two kids. She was all for it, and had no reservations what so ever on the idea. Things were great for the first month or so, she was excited about the kids and she stayed over pretty much instantly. The relationship was moving fairly quickly, she told me she was divorcing her second husband and paperwork was already in the works. This was true because i did see the paper work in the mix, even went with her to drop off some paperwork. Heres where the problems started. Roughly a few weeks after dating, we went to a halloween party. She got her boobs done, so she dressed up as a hooters girl. Thats fine with me, i know how most girls dress up it didnt phase me much. So we went, what irritated me was she started flirting with one guy. She made everyone aware who i was and i was her bf, but she said her flirty personality is how she just is, and it meant no harm. I know the dude was loving it, and i told her i was not okay with it at the end of the night. She assured me that she's a flirt, flirts with most of her friends which of course most of them are guys. I'm fine with a girl having guy friends, but when she flirts, they flirt, she said she would never let it go any further. Be it the case, its still a recipe for a bad situation.

 

Now were coming up to November. It was her birthday, then thanksgiving shortly after. Around her birthday i knew i loved this girl. We had told each other we loved each other and we knew what we had was great. We always had great sex, great communication, and what i thought a good understanding. Her birthday i bought her some neat things which she appreciated. Then we did thanksgiving at a friend of mines house. That went well, until we left. Keep in mind were both in the military, she's on one base i'm on the other in the same area. So we got into my truck, and she looks at a text she recieved and she showed me. She says hey look, this is how me and my friends are and how we joke. The guy i kinda knew, he was a married guy with four kids. His message was saying how he wanted to do her in a sexual position. She responded back to him with a haha. I was pissed, i told her thats not cool at all. For one he's married, for two its disrespectful towards me and our relationship, three she responded to him acknowledging it was okay what he said. On the ride home she tells me she's like that with alot of her friends, and its all meant to be jokes. Then she tells me another time how her guy friends will send her pics of their penis, which of course she had all kept on her email. I told her the way she's been with these guys is not cool for our relationship. She said she would tone it down and fix it.

 

Keep in mind this girl is a text nut, when were around she wants to constantly text and her phones blowing up. By now your probably thinking why i'm even still with this girl. Well yeah i do love her and we were always great together. When she wasnt around me, she was completely emotionless and rude. Treated me like a buddy, like i was nothing more than her next friend. Until the time when we would see each other. At nights and mornings she was loving via phone or in person, during the day she could care less.

 

Approaching Christmas she starts opening up about her personal life. I find out after many stories and timelines put together, that she cheated on her first husband twice. Her second husband she cheated on twice. She even had sex with her recruiter in the recruiting office, the look on my face must've said enough to her she could tell i was disgusted. So by now shes saying shes getting annoyed by my kids. She wouldnt say they were doing anything wrong, just the fact that they were always around. My last straw was she tells me she's trying to make even more friends cause she feels like she doesn't have enough. In the military, emails are the vital way of communication. So people have been emailing her, and she says they want to go socialize with her. Most of the military is guys, and i'm okay with her socializing with them. My idea was go do coffee or lunch during the duty day, i'm down with that. But no, she says if they ask her to dinner, then thats okay and i need to be okay with it. She sees nothing wrong with her going out to dinner with a guy she doesnt know, cause i'm supposed to know she'll be mine. I think its wrong, and told her i'm not having it. I was going to make the relationship last till after christmas. She helped set up tree, get gifts, wrap them, and she wanted to see the kids open presents.

 

On monday she was at a friends, she woke up the next morning with the typical emotionless attitude not giving a damn what i was saying. I told her i slept great and tonight i might have some friends over. The response was "hmm....meh. Whatev" I was pissed. It seemed so rude, and i told her that wasnt cool. She of course didnt really care, and so she let me go on the phone and knew i was upset. She said well i hope your not angry later, have a good day i'll talk to you tomorrow. That was it, i told her i was done. Told her i deserve better. She said she couldnt put all herself into the relationship cause she wanted her friends too. I've always encouraged her to still hang with her friends throughout the relationship. I told her i cant be in a relationship and put my all in if she's only willing to put part of herself in. She still loves me, i know i still love her. But its hard. I told her i need time, but she still wants to be close. I told her we werent put together so i can be her friend, that maybe some other time but for now i need to not talk to her for awhile. Christmas makes it rough, but i'm hoping to get by this. We've only dated not even a few months, but our connection seemed strong. Whats all your opinions??

 

 

My opinion....

 

You dodged a MAJOR BULLET by dumping her.

 

Think about it.

 

The cheating in her marriages...screwing her recruiter????

Dear lord, I don't care how much feelings you had for her, she did you a favor by showing what type of person she was early on. You really think that had you become serious and taken the next step that her behavior would have simply changed overnight?

 

Nope. Some say people who cheat can change. That may be the case(I have never been convinced of that) but this chick was bad news. Sadly if she had such disregard for you and threw the texting and Peter pics in(yeah she is a keeper if she is gonna tell you basically that just how she rolls) I would submit to you that women like that usually end up on Jerry Springer.

 

You saved yourself a boatload of drama by kicking her to the curb. What would have happened say a couple years down the road and you had gotten married or something? I shudder at the thought.

 

There will be sometime down the road where you may be sitting at a bar and see some poor schmuck drinking from the whiskey bottle crying his eyes out while listening to Michael Martin Murphy's 'Wildfire" on the jukebox and moaning about "how could his baby do him so dirty". Upon listening to him you will come to realize that he is dating this chick, or worse. And you can chuckle to yourself and go 'WHEW...THANK GOD IT DIDNT HAPPEN TO ME!!!

 

Let her be somebody else's problem.

 

GO NO CONTACT WITH THIS CHICK AND DON'T EVER LET HER BACK INTO YOUR LIFE, OR YOU WILL REGRET IT

 

Best of luck

[Redfangwolf]

Your completely right, and i appreciate your bluntness. As the days pass by i'm starting to look in at the relationship more. Alot of what she did was very selfish acts, and probably using me at the same time. I didnt add in the bit where i helped her move crap with my truck (which doesnt even have plates yet) multiple times in less than a month. You couldnt be more right though, it was huge that i only wasted two months instead of two years. My ex wife, the only time i was ever married had cheated on me. That was the hardest damn thing for me to get over, and i felt like crap. Even though i knew it wasnt my fault, that pain is something i never wanna endure again. This girl is definitely the receipt for that to happen again. Hope you had a great holiday and a great new years!

[Space Ritual]

She kind of reminds me of my ex fiance.....

 

she loved having sex, as long as it was with my friends..lol.

 

No honestly, some 20 years ago I walked in on my fiance having sex with one of my friends about 3 weeks before we were supposed to get married. And this chick you were dating has all the tell tale signs of a bad ending probably similar to my engagement if you were to go on with her.

 

Yeah I know it can be tough. Sometimes people like that we find exciting in our lives. But they are exciting for a reason. and usually that reason come back to bite us in the ass.

Your GF has the mentality of a stripper. Lots of guy friends and lots of "You should just take my word for it" rolling out of her mouth a lot. Lots of selfish behavior because its all about them. No matter who they walk over and they come out smelling like a rose. Ive dated a few in my life, and I know one thing...its a short stay in Stripperville.

I am trying to add a little comic relief but I know you are hurting, otherwise you wouldn't be here. If in the future you find yourself yearning for her, or see her somewhere and she is all bubbly and acting like nothing ever happened, just remember writing this thread.

 

Really, delete this piece of trash form your life pronto.

[Redfangwolf]

Haha i love that, she's definetly from stripperville. She craves the attention, almost demands it from any situation she's in. Its funny because she tells me this morning via text, congratulations on being the only guy to ever break up on me. The only reason for her to respond to a text, was that i was telling her to pick up her stuff in my back yard monday morning. Seems like shes almost mad just because i broke up with her regardless of the reasons. She wanted to be the one to make the call, which all together sounds like immaturity at its best. Suppose me deleting her off my facebook last night really upset her too. My motive is clearly just to move on, and not have the temptation to see what she's doing. Of course her shallow mind doesnt understand this. Yeah i'm moving on, glad i only wasted two months instead of two years. In the end i know its for the better, but her self destructive ways are going to eventually do her in one day.

[Vicious_Delicious]

Holy crap man.

 

This chick sounds damn near like the girl I was with for 8 months. However, your chick was a little less devious than mine, in that she let you know about her foul behavior. The girl I was with was very selfish and lacked integrity. Very emotionless and mean at times, then very loving other times. An emotional basket case. I look back at the relationship and wonder what the **** was I doing with a girl like her. It sounds to me like you're a real stand up guy with high standards, but chose to ignore the red flags because you wanted to save this chick. At least that's how I was, looking back. I pitied the girl I was with and hoped I could be her knight in shining armor. But you cannot save someone who doesn't want to save themselves, a very valuable life lesson I've learned.

 

You did yourself a huge favor by dumping this chick. Can you imagine the ****hole you'd be in if you married her? The thought of me and my ex getting married scares the living hell out of me. I'd be that guy in the bar crying if I didn't get out.

 

I have done a ton of reading about why she would behave like this, and as someone else mentioned, she has the stripper mentality, like my ex did. A woman with horribly low self esteem that needs to act like a slut because the attention she gets makes her feel good about herself. She didn't respect herself, and neither did any of the men that she flirted with regularly. She flirts with her friends because she is a user and uses their attention to boost her self esteem. She's the kind of bad girl that wants a good guy, but doesn't know how to react when a man treats her right. Probably has some real issues with her father and some really bad experiences with men, like mine did.

 

Sure, the whole thing has scarred me, as I'm sure it's scarred you. One thing to be sure of is to not beat yourself up for making that mistake as I've done for months and months, and consider the way she acted as a favor to you. Made me realize that I deserve better.

 

Do not make any contact with her ever again. Get rid of anything that reminds you of this toxic woman. I burned everything my ex gave me and ended all contact.

 

You're better off man. Be glad you did yourself that favor and find yourself a good woman.

[Bulldozed]

You Sir, dodged a major bullet. Unfortunately for me, the 2yr scenario played out. My ex (split end of august) had been married twice. She cheated on husband 1 w/husband 2. Husband 2 cheated on her, though I'm not sure if that was retaliation? She cheated on her next bf who she lived with...w/me just one month or so after his mother died. After dating for 4 months, she broke up w/me and spent xmas 07' with her ex, then came grovelling back a week later. I'm pretty sure she cheated on me last spring when an old flame flew in from Seattle for a visit. Then most recently (a month after we split as far as a I know, she started sleeping w/her good friends recently divorced ex-husband. Given her track record of always having a guy standing by in the "on-deck" circle, I wouldn't be surprised is she wasn't f u c k i n g this cheezball all summer?

 

Women like this, DON'T Change. it's not in their makeup. They crave attention, having their ego stroked and are never satisfied. In the end, their low self-image and self-esteem is incredibly damaging not only to themselves but also to the unsuspecting guys they lure in. You got off easy. Unfortunately for me, I spent thousands of dollars on my ex, including paying off virtually all of her debt a year ago.

[Leveller]

I have done a ton of reading about why she would behave like this, and as someone else mentioned, she has the stripper mentality, like my ex did. A woman with horribly low self esteem that needs to act like a slut because the attention she gets makes her feel good about herself. She didn't respect herself, and neither did any of the men that she flirted with regularly. She flirts with her friends because she is a user and uses their attention to boost her self esteem. She's the kind of bad girl that wants a good guy, but doesn't know how to react when a man treats her right. Probably has some real issues with her father and some really bad experiences with men, like mine did.

 

I'm not the only one then. I've not posted on here for a while for a variety of reasons but this description sounds like my ex also - who is a heavy drinker to boot. I also had the two years you desribe. One year with her (which was good for the vast majority of the time) and a year apart (coming up) where we have slept together about eight times whilst she remained with her new bf who, by her own desription and the views of myself and others close to her, is a replica of her abusive ex bf of 10 years. I hate to see what she is doing to herself and for me, particularly as I've been unemployed this past year, things have been difficult to say the least. I think she is destroying everything that's good in her life and even now it has been hard to step out.

 

I haven't heard from her in a couple of months now but I still have her passport and need to return it before I leave for a new job (and a very good job at that) whilst she is now out of work herself and has/had sciatica. Whether NC or not I am probably not speaking to her and haven't seen her around - which is VERY unusual. I think she has made a dreadful mistake as do those closest to her. It's all very sad.

 

I am not blameless too and can be moody and difficult. Do I feel I dodged the bullet? no. I took the bullet, staggered but got up in full awareness of who she was and what I was doing. I very much wanted her back for the longest time but now? I don't know. I will leave in a month, get settled and go forward from there. Sadly I still miss her.

 

I wish I had advice. For those who walk away clean do so if that is best for you. For those like me who choose not to (and also have their ex's maintain contact with them) best of luck...