Genesis of Me Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 I have been following on here for a few weeks. I am in the process of having my life altered in a way I could never have imagined. Found out a few months ago my W had an affair with a co-worker. We've been trying to work things out, not telling anyone, including my family. But it appears that we are comin to a point where that we will need to separate. We have two kids under the age of six. She wants the separation more than I do, as I do not want to have it be hard on the kids. The rollercoaster of emotions has been brutal to say the least. I know this isn't the most imformative post, but i guess I needed to start somewhere. Like I've said, I've been following on here for a while, and I feel that some of the posts I've read have already helped me. Even though this is my first post, in a way I feel like I have already found some friends on here, or at least some kindred spirits. Today is going to be hard, like it's the last Christmas together before the family gets blown up. I hope that is not the case, but it feels inevitable.
Gunny376 Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 All I can say is I know what your feeling ~ it can be tough especially with XMAS and the children. Hang tough ~ like a frighten kitten hanging on a screen door! It does get better ~ and Life is worth living. There's Life after divorce.
nobmagnet Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 ohhh poor you. Christmas is the worst too. welcome to love shack. We love each other. im so sorry for you. sounds like the common "Needing to find herself" she is in the the affaire fog. hang in and tell us more if you can? children will help you thro what ever happens. something to live for/get up for ect my heart is with you xx
Author Genesis of Me Posted December 25, 2009 Author Posted December 25, 2009 Thanks, Gunny. I know it is, especially when I look at my kids. Still, the feeling of dread is overwhelming at times. I worry about being detached from my kids, worried about how my family is going to take this, especially my mom, who watches our kids during the day. I feel manic at times, with feelings swinging from minute to minute, hour to hour. I know years from now I'll be better off, but those times seem so far away right now.
nobmagnet Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 hey its early days and you have a way to go yet. Gunny is the voice of reason/ compassion and experience. he will always help you. Santa all year. xxxxxx me too if i can
Author Genesis of Me Posted December 25, 2009 Author Posted December 25, 2009 She may be, nob. I know she feels guilty about ruining two families, as the OM was married too and was kicked out. Still, I got a version of "I love you but...". We have been grinding it through, day to day. The kids know nothing, as we have been keeping a unified front for them. I think she wants out, but wants me to be ok with it. Not sure if I am at this point. My focus is strictly on my kids and my side of the family.
nobmagnet Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 you have the correct resolve. however.........you deserve happiness too. with her or not. Its early days. keep posting and reading........it helped me mine had an affairre after a long time of being unattatched. i booted him. he wouldnt come back. i have just had one of the best christmases ever. my kids are amazing. life can be great after. just dont ask mewhen they go to him later...............noim having a hot bath with bubbles a gless of wine and loud f*ck off music!! bless you love xx
Gunny376 Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 Just make sure that you don't divorce your children while in the process of divorcing your wife. Its more easy done than you think. Along with the seperation and divorce the "Storms of Life" just sweep over you one after another. You get so caught up in trying to survive them that you lose perspective. Trying not to lose your job, your career, your livelehood, keeping a roof over your head, bills paid, staying one step of a divorce lawyer, the tax man. Divorce takes a lot out of one's sails. As Johnny Paycheck song said in "Take This Job And Shove It!" said, "The Woman done left and took all the reason I was working for!" It can be damned hard when your up to you neck in alligators, snakes, and Indians to remember that your initial objective when you started out was to drain the swamp. Your focus needs to be on your children and your relationship with them. They grow up fast and the years go by quickly. Don't get caught up in re-bounding with another. Don't get caught up in a "Cats In the Cradle" (Cat Stevens song) moment. People come and people go ~ but theres no one monkey that makes a show. Don't be so hard on yourself. You were the best that you knew how to be at the time. Had you known at the time what you know now, (and what your about to find out in the future) you would have done much better. But you didn't ~ and the reason you didn't is because you just didn't know. Its a little something I like to call Life. And Life is about learning, improvising, adapting, and overcoming. People especially spouses and beloved others can be un-forgiving although they swear they are. I failed at my marriage because I was too young, too inexperienced, too ignorant (I just didn't know) and just didn't have a clue as to how to pull it off. That's most of us? There's that and there the fact that most people are not LTR let alone marriage material. The fact of the matter is that there are one or two people we meet in life that we totally "click" with in life. Most of us marry too quickly and too soon. And all for the wrong reasons. I wish you well ~ and Merry Christmas
carhill Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 Going through a D (my situation) at Christmas sucks. Can't imagine what it's like with an A hanging over your head and having children too. My sympathies. Under the circumstances, the clear imperative is to keep the children's home life stable and make sure MW accepts the consequences of her actions. If that means she goes to 'visit' a friend or family member, that's what it means. Don't you dare leave your children's home Take it one day at a time. Try not to project. Connect with friends. Seek out therapy if you feel it will help you. I know it helped me. She's in the fog. You can't help her right now. Accept it. Best wishes
MrMayI Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 here comes the ass kick. she wants it more than you? good. she can leave and you keep the kids in the marital home with you. she had an affair, of which you were willing to try and resolve. now, for the 2nd time she's giving up on your marriage. let her move out. give her a bit of time and serve her with divorce papers. you have to either a) prepare to move on, or b) snatch her out of this fog. good luck to you. once you type the first words here, you become part of us. i'll be praying for you and those kids.
Author Genesis of Me Posted December 25, 2009 Author Posted December 25, 2009 We are thinking of the kids, I think. The separation talk hasn't fully reached the how stage, that will probably come in the next couple of days. We agree the kids need to be in the house at all times, and need to see each of us as much as possible. Kicking her out totally doesn't seem like an option. At their age, they are more attached to her. They spend more time with her, based on work schedules.
carhill Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 (edited) Kicking her out is one thing. That sounds cruel. Suggesting she take some time alone so you can consider your feelings about her affair and its impact on your M is not unreasonable. Like I said, 'visit' a friend or family. Even if it's a long weekend. She says she wants a separation (you say more than you do). OK, separation granted. Oh, btw, and this may be a difficult thing to deal with (or not), get used to her being angry with you. Enacting boundaries in these situations, especially if a woman is used to getting her way, often leads to anger. Fair warning Edited December 25, 2009 by carhill
Author Genesis of Me Posted December 25, 2009 Author Posted December 25, 2009 When she starts to get angry, I am able to snap her out of it pretty quick. Her idea of separation is her getting an apartment with a roommate (female, not a guy or the OM) half the days, me living with a friend half the days, with one parent at home with the kids. Needless to say, I'm nor crazy about this suggestion.
plowman Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 Hey,GOM I feel so bad for you . My wife told me in sept. she was done,really had no warning, she was"talking to" someone else, but that fizzled out. she found out he was a slimeball. we are separated and she still says shes got nothing for me. I feel like Im in a dream and im gonna wake up soon I too got the I love you but spiel. stay strong, if you can find a divorce care group in your area join, it will help to meet other people who are going thru the same thing
nobmagnet Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 sounds unworkable...........................dictate where you can xx
hopesndreams Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 We are thinking of the kids, I think. The separation talk hasn't fully reached the how stage, that will probably come in the next couple of days. We agree the kids need to be in the house at all times, and need to see each of us as much as possible. Kicking her out totally doesn't seem like an option. At their age, they are more attached to her. They spend more time with her, based on work schedules. Her staying in the house, being in your presence, interacting with you when you go visit gives her the best of both worlds. She gets her freedom, with another man in the wings, and you will get whatever breadcrumbs she throws your way. She may even invite you to stay for dinner. That's nice right? Wrong. Doing the above will prevent you from moving on and healing your broken heart. You have said she is entertaining the idea of getting her own apartment. Encourage this. Help her pack even. The sooner you both live separate lives, with LC about the kids, and only for the kids, the sooner you get one of two possible outcomes. Outcome number 1---She will miss you, wonder about you and perhaps get some respect back for you that she has lost for you these last few months. Then, before you know it, she and her married dude, both cheaters and destroyers of families, will then have only each other, without the fun games because the reality of what they've done will now hit them squarely in the face. She'll then start looking back in your direction but because of the gift you gave yourself with time and space away from her................. Outcome number 2----You will no longer want to be with her and her cheating azz. You will see her for what she has become. She is no longer the loving wife and mother. She has betrayed you and would do it again in a heartbeat if you took her back. People can dispute this all they want but there is only a 3% chance of a M recovering after an A. Those that are working on the M after infidelity are in great pain and suffering. Why live like that? There is someone out there more deserving of your love and who wouldn't cheat. If you keep doing what you are doing now, with the ball in her court, her deciding the future of you and your kids, this time next year you will still be in the pit struggling to get out.
Author Genesis of Me Posted December 25, 2009 Author Posted December 25, 2009 She's not the loving wife, that is for sure. But she is the loving mother. She is the only mother my kids know. I have to be strong, I know. If she wants an apt., fine, but I'm not moving. Easy to say now though.
hopesndreams Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 What I meant by her not being the loving mother is because she has been spending all her time and energy on the interloper in your marriage. She is acting very selfish. This can be used to your advantage. You should go for custody and stay in the home and let her be the one that moves out and then visits. She wants to end the M, she should be the one to go. She needs to experience the consequences of her actions and you need to protect the kids. She doesn't have the time and attention towards the kids as she once had, the OM is taking up a lot of her thoughts and has been for months. Have you not noticed a change in the way she interacts with them? It's not just you getting the short end of the stick.
Author Genesis of Me Posted December 25, 2009 Author Posted December 25, 2009 Before getting exposed, yes. Since getting exposed, she has been very good with them, better than I have most likely. I have a lot to figure out. Finances see a problem (when aren't they). Day care would be a problem with my mom, and W having to pick them up.
Genesis-of-Me Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 Thanks to everyone for your help yesterday. It did help me get through a difficult day, gave me some strength. I had to change me log on name due to my apparently posting a link accidently when I put of smily face on one of my posts. I haven't been able to convince the administrator that I am not a spammer yet. Oh well. Now I just have to figure out how to post from my phone again : ). The W is out at her therapy session today, so tonight should be interesting. I have resisted joint therapy sessions (with her, her therapist, me and my therapist) so far, but I think I am changing my mind on that. At least I can say we got into a room together. It may be worth it. For today, it's about playing the the kids, getting their presents set up and played with, and trying to enjoy the day.
nobmagnet Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 sound a good plan. keep your heart safe. xx
Genesis-of-Me Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 Thanks, nob. How'd your evening of bubbles and loud music go?
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