mikeymad Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 I am now sitting at my parent's house, where I proposed to her on christmas eve only 3 short years ago. Unfortunately, I am snowed in as well, so beside them driving me crazy, I can't get out to clear my head...thus I am here. Hopefully no one else is on here, and enjoying themselves. Today/last night are very emotionally significant for me. We went down to see my grandpa in the nursing home last night, and he asked where my "better half" was. At the end he also said to tell her hi and that he loved her...emotion type stuff he rarely displays, which made it even harder. I know some people have been following Beachbum's forum (as i have...hang in there buddy) and basically he told his wife he was going NC. Does anybody have an example of a letter to write the spouse to make sure they know you aren't giving up when you are going to go complete NC and it puts the ball in your court? Divorce remedy, mental judo etc all talk about this concept, but I am wondering how best to put it in practice. I don't plan on making it long and needy, but giving her the gift of freedom and letting her know i trust in her abililty to make the best decisions for herself, even if that doesn't include me. That whole "if you love someone let them go" is so cliche, but when it actually applies it seems almost impossible. I will try to post my letter later today.
boogieboy Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 If you think she is pulling away from you, and you already think that she might not come back, you dont need to send her a letter. She already doesnt want to hear from you. Sending a letter will only push her away further. Just lay back, sending her a letter will crowd her. Let her miss you. She wont forget you, but dont be needy. Let her think if she has to.
carhill Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 If you're married, IMO, you don't work on the M by pulling away. You pull away to divorce. This is different than BF/GF and cohabit situations. The stakes are a lot higher with a M, both socially and financially. My sympathies for your situation. Today is my first Christmas alone as an adult. My stbx is gone and my mother was not demented when my stbx and I met. So, at 50, with no family, I face what looks to be a nice sunny day with my cat. IMO, do not write a NC letter. Just go NC and move on with your life. My stbx and I are NC except for legal business. No anger or hurt there. That's over with, for me anyway. If your W doesn't want to work on the M, send her on her way. Healthier relationships and a healthier life exist. Find them
beachbum1974 Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 Hey mikey....I'm sorry to hear you are going through this difficult time, especially during the Christmas season. As you know, I'm in the same sitation and I know it's an emotional nightmare. Like you, I can't believe I'm sitting in front of my computer on Christmas instead of spending quality time with my W and family. I am in no position to offer any advice. I think Gunny, Cranialrupture and the others will provide the guidance you need. I wanted to post this to offer you support, prayers and let you know my heart goes out to you buddy. I see changes in my feelings as the days go by....if only little changes. I've told myself if I can survive this through Christmas, it will make me even that much stronger. Only time will tell. Keep your head up and know your not alone. Be well. -beachbum
floridapad Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 Mikey, There are two ways you can go NC (that I know of). One is to tell them your done and then go NC and the other is to send them a "love" letter and tell them you can no longer have contact with them because it is sapping the love you have inside. IN that letter you must let them know why you are NCing and a path back to working on the M. (e.g dumping the OM). There may be other types but either way, one thing you must realize is that NC is a LAST resort and one that enables you to start the process of detaching from your W so that should she decide not to come back eventually you will have moved on. The second type of NC I mentioned is one some refer to as "Plan B". Before you go Plan B you must have had a plan A for a period of time so that when you go plan B and dark they have something more to miss and will have experienced whatever changes you made with in yourself during the plan A period. Plan B's don't work well unless you have had some sort of Plan A. Marriage builders.com uses this approach. They have a mountain full of information on their approach to saving a marriage. Be careful of their forums, they tend to be hardcore. Hope all goes well. I have a path back to the marriage letter that was part of my plan A should you decide to use this approach I can PM it to you.
Author mikeymad Posted December 25, 2009 Author Posted December 25, 2009 could it be she doesn't want to work on the marriage right now because she is emotionally overloaded and I have pushed to get things reconciled? every time we talk she still says that "she can't do this anymore" and "things should have changed a long time ago", and "you've said all this before" so I'm pretty sure little things won't work. I'm just not sure how to approach things going forward. i don't think going cold NC without letting her know what i'm feeling wouldn't get the appropriate point across. It just seems that every time we make contact it turns into the same conversation and we go in circles. I know that my words essentially have no effect at this point. i texted her today that I got to my parents in the middle of a snowstorm, and merry xmas. She said "i'm sorry your travels didn't go well" and "merry christmas to you as well"....seems very cold and distant to me, as she has never used the "as well" terminology with me before. It could be she is stressed about how she will deal with her family and the holidays, which she has stated multiple times this week. NC seems like a good option, but it seems like every day we are apart we are slowly drifting farther and farther apart. I'm afraid that our "serparation" was different things...growth period to me, and pathway to divorce period for her. she has seen me driving by the house a few times, and remarked that it made her "extremely uncomfortable". i did however shovel and snowblow our driveway, which she appreciated. feels like mixed signals.
Author mikeymad Posted December 25, 2009 Author Posted December 25, 2009 florida...plz explain marriagebuilders "hardcore" forums. BTW my e mail is mikeymad at hot mail dot com. i would appreciate a look at that letter. i think i am too emotional right now to write something that would encompass the things i want to say without going overboard and pushing her farther away. I still have hope, and maybe that's what keeps me going, even as bleak as things look right now.
floridapad Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 DUDE what are you doing with the stalker stuff. Yes she would probably welcome NC for a while because you keep bringing up the same stuff over and over. Why do you keep talking about the R or trying to search for a speck of desire on her part to reconcile? You are KILLING yourself emotionally and whatever miniscule chance you have with her. First let me say if you want to reconcile this marriage you have a loooong way to go (matter of many many months or a couple of years). Brother, try hard real hard to do the 180's on her. This is a start. The last thing she needs to see before you go dark is a man who is confidant and doesn't constantly bring up the M or any other heavy, talk. If you find that you can't do that (to be honest I wasn't able to either) then go NC or LC if you have children so you can get your sh*t back together. She NEEDS space and honestly you probably do as well. You don't have to announce your going NC in your situation just do it.
carhill Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 every time we talk she still says that "she can't do this anymore" and "things should have changed a long time ago", and "you've said all this before"Accept this Acceptance is the key. This is her perspective. Your job is to accept it and her job is to own it, along with the consequences. One of those consequences is not having further contact with you. BTW, the second statement indicates to me that she detached emotionally some time ago. My version of that, in MC, was 'my love died one day at a time'.
Author mikeymad Posted December 26, 2009 Author Posted December 26, 2009 I guess looking at it though the LS eyes tells me that I am being overbearing, which I can see that. NC will be good for both of us, because in effect I am torturing myself every time i try to talk to her, get together, or talk about the M, and not accomplishing anything except for possibly ruining any chance of her seeing any positive change. It's not in my nature to just "back off". Cahill, i know she has detached emotionally. there are other comments that she has made that are particularly painful to hear that indicate that as well. I probably am being selfish. I do want the best for her, but unfortunately, I think that would be with me. I suppose those statements should be mutually exclusive. not sure how to do the 180's when we don't talk or see each other. i suppose i should just focus on getting my s_it together so that if/when she comes back, we at least have a starting ground. I have been talking myself into "if i just do this, it will be a movie ending, and everything can go back to better than it used to" Florida-thanks for the slap upside the head. At least i can count on someone to not sugarcoat it for me.
floridapad Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 I've read all your threads now. She is definately in the moving on stage and it is killing you. You are understandably an emotional roller coaster You cAN'T reconcile a marriage when you are the only one trying and you are in such disrepair. Carhill is 10000% right. Acceptance of the situation right now is critical . You will not fix your marriage over night. You are in limbo because you haven't accepted the situation. You say you want answers from her about D or no D. Well the more you talk about the relationship the more the talk will be about D. ACCEPT IT.. I would not send her an NC letter because you have not had a plan A. Have you done the 180's. It doesn't sound like it. How can you while you are to focused on trying to fix a marriage that is dead and gone....no that doesn't mean she is gone. It only means that you must accept that the old M between you and her is gone. Can a new one form???? Perhaps but not until you accept that the marriage as you knew it is gone. Go LC and don't tell her but grieve the loss of your old marriage. She needs space but more importantly YOU need space from trying to save a marriage that, for now, can't be saved...
Author mikeymad Posted December 26, 2009 Author Posted December 26, 2009 Florida Plan A vs Plan B? plz explain And what 180s can I do by myself? 1 i know would be NC/LC
Author mikeymad Posted December 26, 2009 Author Posted December 26, 2009 and thank you for all who are giving me advice. I very much appreciate it, however combative or stubborn I may be at seeing my own situation.
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