I cant move on

[jjhart]

I have posted on here before, but long story short, my girlfriend of a year, broke it off with me two months ago. She gave me a number of BS excuses, and like an idiot, i had to find out what happened. Finally i got an excuse that mildly sounded legit when she said "I dont have those feelings for you anymore". She lectured me on how i should have seen things, etc, etc, blaming me for everything, and maybe some of that was true, i so badly wanted things to work out between her and i that i looked past some things. We dated for a year, she met my parents, my friends, my coworkers, everyone. She couldnt do the same for me. When i would confront her about it, she would tell me she had a hard time letting people into her life, and i believed it, and believed in her, and basically decided that trying to force my way into her life would end badly. I wanted her to let me in.

 

Needless to say, she didnt.

 

Its been two months since she broke it off, i had to delete her off of facebook, because i overrreacted to some posts on there, and it was tearing me up inside. Tonight, i went to her facebook page, and somehow i had access, and again, i saw some things that were tearing me up.

 

I want her back in my life so bad. I know she was probably bad for me, because she couldnt go out on a limb for me, as i could for her, but god i miss her. Holidays just make it worse. I have beat myself up for long enough, and i have come to the determination, that yes, i did some things wrong with her(not talking about relationship stuff enough, resenting her for not letting me in, instead of taking that on head on, etc), but she did some things wrong with me(not letting me in, tellling me after the fact that something was wrong in the relationship, but not bringing it up so we could try and do something about it, never talking about relationship stuff until i brought it up, etc, not letting me into her life). It sickens me that alot of these things could have been addressed. Worst thing that can happen to a guy like me is have a problem come up, that i dont at least get the opportunity to try and do something about it. Maybe i should have seen things, but i cant change the past.

 

I used to find myself driving by her apartment, just to see if she is home. If she is at home, i calm down, and i can sleep at night, if she is not my mind races, and i think about her with some other guy. it got so bad, i had to stop doing that.

 

here is the amazing thing, when i had to find out what happened, it had been a few weeks after she broke it off. I turned to prayer. I prayed for a few days, to get a chance to talk to her again, face to face. after i had prayed for a few days, right after i had said a prayer, she called(not out of the blue, i called her to try and talk to her days before), but she had called me back. My prayers had been answered, but not in the way i thought, thats when she gave me the lecture, and basically made me feel like ****. Honestly, in a years time, she had never talked to me that way. I want the old Liz back, i want the times that we had, i want to put my arms around her again, and feel something there. God, i think i loved her.

I cant get over her, I almost accepted another job just to get away from her and get out of the area, and after much thinking, i turned it down, realizing i was taking a job just to get away.

But staying, i am torturing myself. I am trying to move on, date other people, etc, but its not working. I cant feel anything for anyone else right now.

 

She talked down to me the last time we talked, at least, it seemed that way. If she called me right this second would i take her back? God i want to so bad, god i know it would be the wrong decision, but its never going to happen, i am not going to get that call. I have been NC with her for a while now, and i made the mistake of looking at her FB, and unfortunately, the FB gods gave me full access, of all nights, tonight.

 

If God has a plan for me, damn i wish he would tell me. Right now, i feel like there is no plan, because 2 months ago, i thought his plan involved me and the girl who meant the world to me. She never felt the same way, and i should have realized that 6 months into the relationship. I wanted to work on things, i would have worked on things, she didnt even try, and its killing me right now. If your out there god, throw me a bone here, I need some divine intervention to help me figure out what direction to go. I want another chance to have the relationship we should have had.

 

I have never felt so strongly about something in my life, and felt so helpless at the same time.

[HLP234]

I know its tough, we are all going through a similar situation. If you see she is talking down to you, not respecting you, than why do you keep trying?

 

You need to let go and try to forget although its so tough. I've been on a "break" currently for about a month now..and I don't know what is going on at all. She just left and wants her own time..watever. But we all know its not the case.

 

I can see what is going on through facebook and other networking sites, statuses, comments, and other stuff that she is doing and hanging out with this other guy.

 

There seems to be no closure and its hard for someone to let go when you have such great feelings for someone, yet they just don't want to consider your feelings because they want to go an do whatever without worrying about you.

 

Only thing to do is let go and make your own closure by just ignoring her completely..trust me its hard and its been so depressing day by day.

 

But even if she comes and talks to you, and says its done and over with you still won't feel any better. Seems like if you go and try to find someone else to focus on it will be easier..because that is most likely what she is doing too.

 

Go out with friends, you can't be alone doing nothing at a time like this. Try and be around people that appreciate you and enjoy time with you so you can get your mind off her. It's harder to do than said, but you need find a way to go about your life without her in it.

 

In my case, she made me get so attached to her and now she has other plans, just seems like she is leaving me in the dark and continuing on like nothing happened. I'm searching for the same closure but it does not look like she will care to consider how I feel..so only thing to do is make your own closure I suppose.

 

Hopefully one day you get up and this won't be bothering you anymore..think if you really focus on YOU right now and ignore everything about her and girls in general, you will realize when you are over it, that you will just laugh about this later..and she was just someone who wasn't worth your time.

[gaudi]

The advice given by HLP234 is good stuff.

 

You need to focus on YOU and nothing else, now although right now everything about YOU is about her, she occupies your thoughts every second, everything that you do in your day to day leads you for some reason to think about her.

But the only way to heal is to learn how to do everything WITHOUT her. I know it's hard mate, I mean hard doesn't even come close to describing how it feels when we are in this situation, but the longer you go through it the further down the path to healing you will be.

 

I feel for you right now mate, but it does get better, just keep going, we're here for you.

[CentralJersey]

It is all about moving on...and it's truly hard as hell. I was in LDR before she broker up with me, so I was already used to my daily routine without her in it...other than a couple of phone calls a day. It's tough when you can envision spending your life with someone and then the rug is pulled out from under you. You just have to continue believing that things will get better. This is not my first breakup and you'd think that it gets easier with each one...but it doesnt feel better. Still, there's nothing to do but move on.

[jjhart]

The regrets are hard, i should have done this, i should have done that. Honestly, in the last month when she claims i should have seen things, i was busy starting to resent her for not letting me into her life. It started to cloud every decision i made about her. I had to do something, i made dinner reservations at this awesome restaurant, i had flowers to be delivered that day telling her we were heading to dinner. and i was going to lay out for her where i wanted things to go. tell her i cared, tell her i wanted her in my life, tell her i wanted in hers. Tell her i wanted the relationship to be more. tell her i wanted to take her home for a wedding the weekend before xmas, so she could meet the rest of my family, and not be away from hers. She broke up with me about 24 hours before this was all to happen. I feel like i got robbed of a chance to fix things. 995 chance it would have ended badly, but still....

[HLP234]

I find that the only way to kind of make yourself feel better and forget is to think about how you have been treated. If you did nothing wrong and she just tells you she doesn't know what she wants, needs time..yet still tries to check on you to see if you are ok, even if you tell her you are being lead along she will fail to realize and just scream at you.

 

It's ok, be mad at her and say to yourself forget her, she is being immature, stupid. Don't try and think about how she will never realize what she gave up, you don't know if she will or wont.

 

If she is the type who always talks to other people to make her feel better or just goes to someone else to feel better, than she will not realize what she lost, but she will always have this problem in her relationships in the future.

 

So just resent her if you want, it will help you get over her quicker..but at the same time just go out and enjoy yourself.

[norajane]

i did some things wrong with her(not talking about relationship stuff enough, resenting her for not letting me in, instead of taking that on head on, etc), but she did some things wrong with me(not letting me in, tellling me after the fact that something was wrong in the relationship, but not bringing it up so we could try and do something about it, never talking about relationship stuff until i brought it up, etc, not letting me into her life). It sickens me that alot of these things could have been addressed.

 

The fact that neither of you addressed these issues, or that she didn't want to try to address them, just highlights and underscores in big bold writing on the wall that you two were not right for each other.

 

You can't make a relationship work if you are the only one trying. She won't try if her relationship with you didn't make her want to deal with her issues about letting people in. If you two had been right for each other, things would have gone differently.

 

You're looking for a sign from God to tell you what path your life should take? He's already given it to you - this woman is not your path. Your path lies elsewhere with someone else who can give as much as you do, and whom you can love without feeling like you're pushing a rock uphill. It's not supposed to be this hard.

[HLP234]

 

You can't make a relationship work if you are the only one trying. She won't try if her relationship with you didn't make her want to deal with her issues about letting people in. If you two had been right for each other, things would have gone differently.

 

 

What if in the beginning she was the one that felt like she was trying too hard but never let you know. I mean I let her know that this was my first relationship that was serious and I can't read her mind about what she wants, but rather than talk about what we both want, she wants everything to happen like a surprise or else its not "romantic."

 

I started doing those things she wanted and now its having the opposite affect, where now its me who is trying too much and she is being selfish trying to get her time all of a sudden.

 

Btw, this all relates to her previous relationships and she even said she can't fully commit to me, although when we started dating I had told her if you are not over your fiance, I have no problem waiting until you are, we were just "talking" and hanging out back then so it wasn't a problem for me to wait then but NOW it is.

 

I had told her this a while ago and she said she was scared and thought I would be gone if she had waited then. Well now I am gone for good.

[norajane]

What if in the beginning she was the one that felt like she was trying too hard but never let you know. I mean I let her know that this was my first relationship that was serious and I can't read her mind about what she wants, but rather than talk about what we both want, she wants everything to happen like a surprise or else its not "romantic."

 

I started doing those things she wanted and now its having the opposite affect, where now its me who is trying too much and she is being selfish trying to get her time all of a sudden.

 

Btw, this all relates to her previous relationships and she even said she can't fully commit to me, although when we started dating I had told her if you are not over your fiance, I have no problem waiting until you are, we were just "talking" and hanging out back then so it wasn't a problem for me to wait then but NOW it is.

 

I had told her this a while ago and she said she was scared and thought I would be gone if she had waited then. Well now I am gone for good.

 

All that stuff just highlights that she wasn't ready enough for a relationship - nothing about your relationship with her made her want to do the work necessary to develop a good relationship. And you - by being so willing to "just talk" and "hang out" even after she told you she could not fully commit - showed that you also aren't ready for a real relationship. If you wanted the real thing, you would have heeded her words and would have run when you heard that she was still not over her fiance and not ready to commit. If you wanted the real thing, you would have waited to get into a relationship with someone who could offer the real thing. Instead, you went ahead and got involved with someone who could never give you what you say you want.

 

Thus, you were not right for each other.

[skydiveaddict]

dude, stop driving by her house, stop looking @ her facebook page, stop wondering where she is or what she's doing or who she might be with. you are going to drive yourself insane! have absolutlely NO contact w/her @ all. if she calls DONT answer. if she texts dont even read it just delete it. same goes for email. I'm going through the same thing you are right now. believe me, if you contact her or allow her to contact you, you will just tear your wound wide open again. then you'll end up going through all that pain like it was day 1 all over again

[mmk1]

Perhaps I am getting jaded as I finally work through my issues on letting my ex go, but it seems to me that alot of our own angst over getting dumped really boils to our refusal to accept that things change, people change and things happen that we do not want to happen.

 

Perhaps it really is as simple as acknowledging that stuff happens, even crappy stuff, and we all need to accept it when it does, like it or not, and move on.

 

Once we do that, we see that all our suffering from our attachment to what is in reality already lost is self-inflicted. Virtually all our relationships, like baseball managers, are doomed to fail, except for the one we eventually end up with.

 

Nobody likes to be dumped and the one time it happened to me I was a ball of goo, which was entirely of my own making. So, end your attachments, accept the facts and pursue what will make you happy.

[HLP234]

All that stuff just highlights that she wasn't ready enough for a relationship - nothing about your relationship with her made her want to do the work necessary to develop a good relationship. And you - by being so willing to "just talk" and "hang out" even after she told you she could not fully commit - showed that you also aren't ready for a real relationship. If you wanted the real thing, you would have heeded her words and would have run when you heard that she was still not over her fiance and not ready to commit. If you wanted the real thing, you would have waited to get into a relationship with someone who could offer the real thing. Instead, you went ahead and got involved with someone who could never give you what you say you want.

 

Thus, you were not right for each other.

 

We were talking and hanging out a while before we started dating. I had told her I would wait, wayy before we she wanted me to ask her out. I wanted her to be over her fiance because he had hurt her completely. Mostly because I've been her best friend for 5 years and we always got along great and talked about anything openly.

 

Because we have known each other for so long, each of us liked each other but never said anything. So all that time I wanted to be with her and I didn't bother until she told me she liked me more than a friend and wanted us to date. I wish I knew about this place back then and maybe I would done things differently, oh well that's why we learn one thing at a time.

 

You are right, I should of just stopped and not even bothered with her when she said that she was afraid I would be gone. That was my fault for letting her make me believe that she was ready to move on.

 

I feel like I am getting over her now kinda, even though it was left in a limbo and we haven't spoken since she's been home with her family. Hopefully by the time she comes back for school I won't bother with it anymore.

 

If she comes and tells me we need to talk than that will be the chance I get to let her know I'm done and gone now for good. If not, than I think I will just continue with myself and make my own closure.

 

Like Mmk1 says, sometimes you just have to learn to live with stuff and move on and I believe that..do anything you can to make yourself happy right now.

Edited December 26, 2009 by HLP234

[EYECANDY000]

I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time over your break up.

But first thing first you need to stop stressing yourself over her. I know it is easy to say, but you have to find things that make you happy and occupy your time with it.

 

I am not just preaching it, but I am trying to follow my own advice as well. Sometimes I sit at home and I just start crying. and when i think about ' why I am crying , and if hes at home stressing and crying over me then I get a little more stronger.

 

Every one has something that they do to cope with NC. and thats mine. I would think about if hes home and cant eat, sleep, or be around freinds? and Im sure he is coping just fine and living his life, which is something that i need to do.

 

so find something that you can do or say to completely rid yourself of her. I would start off by the last conversation that you had. everytime you feel the need to call her or drive ny her house think about the last conversation that you had with her and how she made you feel so low. How he is totally starting to disrespect you. and let that be your motivation for NC

 

Good luck.. just remember you arent the only one going through it.

[jjhart]

Hi there are two things here. When she was not letting you in to her life completely as you did, ie she not taking you to her house to meet her parents etc, you were harsh towards her and quarelled with her. This, as you accept, definitely must have hurt her. You would have definitely known that if you showed any such harsh treatment to any body else, he or she would definitely try to keep away from you. So in a way when you showed rude behaviour to your girlfreind for not letting you in to her house/ private life, it was like saying to her that she better let you in to her private life or else she should better moov away and that you wont care if she mooved away. I hope you got this point. So this would have definitely hurt her and she would have been preparing since you started quarelling, to moov out.

Now instead of quarelling with her you should have kept friendship with some other girls even though you were in love with this girl only. Keeping options for chatting with other girls now and then cools off your mind and you would not be making too harsh demands of your girlfriend all the day. Now also you need to start chatting with other girls and the more time you spend with other girls the less will be the period that you think about your girlfreind. Your mind will get diverted and will become calm towards your girlfreind and what reaction you show to her will also be much more cool and mature . If your girlfreind really loves you she will start getting in contact with you again. Other wise just be happy with other girls and get your mind occupied with them rather than this girl. You shouldnt be thinking of anybody who says she doesnt want to care about you. Nobody in this world is more important than you and you are the supreme being in this world. Just remember that.

 

 

Thats just it, I didnt "quarrell with her" on this, In fact i was very understanding of this, probably too much. She might have taken that for granted, i dont know. Some of her friends approached me, asked me what happened, i just say i dont know and move on. Breakups happen, i have had a number of them, but this one, just doesnt make any sense, i guess none do. I want to thank everyone for their words, I just cared for her so much, i guess i didnt see things coming. Got to be at the same place in a relationship i guess, and she wasnt. I dont understand why she wouldnt let me in. Thats never happened with someone i have dated before, and i guess i just didnt know the right way to deal with it.

[jjhart]

Since the breakup, i have been waking up early in the mornings, instantly thinking about her. Dreaming about her too. When i went to talk to her after the breakup, the night before i did that, i dreamed about her, telling me she didnt feel for me anymore, next day she told me about the same thing for real. I can try and get her out of my head, during the day, occupying my time, etc. Sleep, dreaming, and waking up to thinking about her, i cant do anything about that. how can i let her go, when my first thought of the day, is about her? its almost like i come out of sleep finishing a thought i had been thinking about while sleeping(sounds stupid i know). I can work on things during the day, but this crap, i cant seem to stop. its been 2 months, this shouldnt be happening. I wake up thinking i should have done things differently, if i had done this or that, etc, or i wake up in a panic, thinking about how much i cared about her, and how we arent together anymore.

[lostboyuk]

Feel you here bro. My GF (3.5 years) ended it on the phone 2 days ago I find myself waking up crying, not crying after I wake up but actually crying as I wake up! I never remember my dreams which is probably a good thing as real life is hard enough at the moment and I don't think I want to know what my dreams were about.

 

Not on your own mate...

[HLP234]

I have dreams that wake me up at 4am for no reason and she's the first thing I think of. I think last night was the only night I slept without those dreams. You have to tell yourself I don't care anymore, we are done and I don't care what she is doing.

 

The dreams and thoughts will get less and less each day. At least that's what is happening to me I think. It will come back now and then and its going to suck but just keep telling yourself you are ready to move on and with time they won't bother you any more.

[richardcruz]

I'm sorry you’re feeling crappy. I must say I've been there before. I too have had many relationships. However there my ex ex GF was the one that showed me what it was like to feel pain. I can honestly that although I thought I had, I hadn't really experienced such deep pain and heartbreak until I was 27. I'm 29 now and truthfully as much as it pains me to tell you I still feel hurt at times. I figure it's just small aftershocks from the big earthquake two years ago. I still dream about her at times but it doesn't really hurt me as much and I quickly move on and go about my day. However when I was just going through it, it hurt really really really bad like I can't even begin to explain. So the two things I got from my devastating breakup was this. 1) Walk away with you ego. In other words don't let her treat you like crap. Easier said than done right. When I was in my relationship two years ago I figured I'd keep pestering her because I didn't have anything to lose since she was going to leave me anyways. But that's where I was wrong. I lost my dignity. It turns out that by subjecting myself to her mistreating, I was causing self-inflicted wounds that were just making the whole matter worse. The more she treated me like crap, the lower and the deeper into depression I fell. Stop the bleeding, say your piece (which you already have) and walk away with your dignity. She'll come back if it's meant to be. 2) Don’t fight the fact that she keeps popping into your head. That's perfectly normal. You have experienced something traumatic so this is a natural occurrence. Rather accept the fact that she will come to mind probably for sometime but recognize the fact that it is temporary. When we are in the thick of it, we start feeling like it's never going to end but that's a deception that are minds are creating. You do mention God in your posts but I'm not sure if you’re religious or not. I was brought up Christian but I have studied many different religions. There is a concept that Buddhism teaches called "impermanence." I recommend you look into it and do some research, as I feel it will help you immensely in your situation. Basically this philosophy teaches that NOTHING in life is permanent and everything is ever changing. Even when taking things down to the molecular level, everything in this life changes. As so, what you are going though is also impermanent as feelings in general are impermanent. This too shall pass. Take comfort in that and don't fight it. Don't frustrate yourself as to why you’re feeling this way. Understand that one day the dreams will diminish and your thoughts of her will be lessened.

[hrtbrk hotel tenant]

dude love thyself i put my everything into my ex and she left me i feel depleted but remember u were good b4 u met so u will be fine after a while go out stay busy god we all hurt on here u are not alone man peace be unto u...

[jjhart]

Ok, just wanted to give an update. Today, i cant say that i am over her, i still wake up thinking about her, but it doesnt hurt as much as it used to. I still look at my phone hoping she will call, but hoping for a different reason i guess now. I want to find out why she wouldnt let me into her life, but that isnt going to happen unless she calls. looking back on things, i lost my dignity a little with her. up till recently, i felt like i couldnt get that back. I used to drive by her apartment late at night, just to see if she is home, if she were home, i could sleep better, if she were not, i would freak out a little. self torture i know. i dont do this anymore. and if you are reading this, DO NOT DO THAT. If she would have seen me, and i hope to god she didnt, i would have run the risk of a restraining order, or at least word getting out that i was a freak or something. Everybody gets in a dark place sometimes, and bad decision making happens, just dont risk your reputation with other people. I used to talk to her friends online from time to time, i havent talked to them lately, and they havent talked to me, so i am hoping all the stupid things i did didnt get seen(driving by her apartment was stupid). I met a woman friday night, we hit it off, called her tonight, and things sound promising. I looked her up on facebook, not to friend her, but kind of just to see a little more about who she was. And guess who was tops on her friends list? my ex. no kidding. This is not going to prevent me from pursueing this woman, but at some point, in the future, i am going to have to explain to her i dated one of her friends, and this is that situation that no one thinks about when they are idiots, driving by the exs apartment and following them or whatever. You may ruin a chance with someone in the future. So DONT DO IT. Time will tell if i did. Right now i am going to play dumb. I dont know what kind of acquantences they are.

 

 

I am feeling better day by day, getting easier to put her out of my mind for longer periods of time. I still wake up early in the morning thinking about her, but there is nothing i can do about that.