Out of the Blue

[CentralJersey]

OK, so here's my story. I have been with my girlfriend (now ex-gf) since early 2007...we started hanging out then and in June 2007 said we are 'officially' bf & gf. Everything's been great since. We get along great, have many similar interests, and many separate interests that allow us much needed independence as well.

 

Clearly, no relationship is perfect, and there were aspects of ours that were not. For example, I am Jewish and she is not. Either way, she felt strongly that children should be raised as one religion and it didnt really take much convincing for her to agree that Jewish would be our choice as it would be more important to my parents than Catholic would be to hers. The less than ideal aspect was not much with the religion as with the different backgrounds we were from. Her family is from a very blue collar background and mine is not. Still, she wanted a life more like I had growing up. She had her CPA and decided to go to Law School.

 

The top school she was accepted to was in Boston (I'm in NJ). I fully supported her going as that was best for her career. I could visit periodically and she would spend summer and winter breaks in NJ. So she started school in Sept 2009. I visited every three weeks...the last time being in mid-October. After that, she was to come home for Thanksgiving...but a week before that, she decided to stay in Boston as she was behind on her studies and felt she couldnt afford to lose three or fours days of studying.

 

Fast forward to Dec 22nd...she came back from school...got in close to midnight. On Dec 23rd, she wanted to urgently talk (which immediately made me think something was wrong) and she told me that for some reason, she said she did not know why, she was not into the relationship like she used to be. She said it had nothing to do with meeting another guy or anything like that. I told her to just be honest and tell me the truth...and she said that she has always been 1000% honest with me (and she was as far as I know) and that she is telling me the truth. I asked her how long she started feeling this way and she said "for about a month".

 

We'd been together a long time and we've both said that we do not believe in dating for a while (years) and then breaking up and getting back together. I told her I appreciate her honesty and that if she feels that she isnt into the relationship, and it has nothing to do with me or anything I said or did, then there's nothing I can do. Also, she had her stuff in her car and her sister was going to pick her up. I did not fight her at all. I just told her I loved her and wished her luck. Clearly, if she had these feelings for a month, this was not an impulsive decision on her part.

 

Now it's a day later and reality is setting in...and I've had better days. Here's what is bothering me or what I'm questioning. We seemed to have a great relationship...of course there were some bumps, but none seemed significant to me and she never mentioned that she had a problem on her end. Other than her seeming a little off on the phone the week before she came home, nothing at all ever seemed odd or bad. Although we obviously saw each other a lot less, we spoke each morning and night...and everything really seemed great. I know long distance is tough, but I thought we were doing it right and everything was going great.

 

I guess I'm surprised that even though this was bothering her for a month, we only got to speak about it for a few minutes. I think I was so shocked with the whole thing, that I didnt have much to ask. Either way, with her being away for 2.5 more years and us not having an opportunity to see each other much, I dont know that additional talking would have done anything. Maybe this is something that is fixable, but probably not with our circumstances. While I would like to know what happened around Thanksgiving time that put enough doubt in her head for her to feel that it was pretty much over...I dont think that knowing the reason changes the outcome.

 

This is not my first breakup...and I've been giving advice to some friends who are going through breakups...so I'm going to follow my own advice and just move on...nothing to talk about with her and I dont think I'd ever be able to trust her again either way. It just would be good to know what really happened. We had a nice plan for our lives and now I have to go through the obligatory time period of feeling like crap so that I dont go out and find a girl and just try to fill her spot in this nice 'life plan'. Between feeling like crap, knowing that this feeling will continue for at least a couple of months, and just still getting over the shock of how out of the blue this was, this is not a good ending to 2009.

[lesoiseaux]

I know what you mean. I thought everything was going good if not great between my ex and me, but he too had been questioning things starting Thanksgiving (we broke up last Friday). What made him really change his mind about us was talking to his mom, who had married young and is now divorced. But even before that he must have been questioning things just to bring up the issue to his mom/brother. I guess the fact that a breakup happened just goes to show that that there was something wrong, even though I really thought otherwise. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and you know how to approach the whole situation, but I just want to let you know I can empathize. You seemed to have handled the breakup really well...I didn't quite as well, but I didn't start begging either. As the days pass you will gradually be able to wrap your head around the whole situation, even though you may never really understand why she did it.

[CentralJersey]

Yeah, I feel I am always a very logical person, so I like things to make sense. While I fully realize that the reason or "what really happened" doesn't make a difference, it is always nice for things to make sense...such as why someone would throw away 2.5 seemingly great years away. Either way, I fully understand that asking again or speaking with her some more about it does not help me move on...and moving on is more important that satisfying my curiosity.

[ginyi1111]

Yeah, I feel I am always a very logical person, so I like things to make sense. While I fully realize that the reason or "what really happened" doesn't make a difference, it is always nice for things to make sense...such as why someone would throw away 2.5 seemingly great years away. Either way, I fully understand that asking again or speaking with her some more about it does not help me move on...and moving on is more important that satisfying my curiosity.

 

I wish I can bring myself to think like that. When my ex broke up with me a month ago citing distance is the reason it seemed utterly ridiculous as we agreed it would be a LDR until we managed to find a way to be together. I'm still tearing myself up trying to understand why.

 

Dont you feel.....cheated? Indignant? You were broken up with no valid reason...or maybe it's better not to know?

[CentralJersey]

Well since it only happened a few days ago, I feel more shocked than anything else. Her reason was that she didn't feel she was 'into it' like she was.

 

I'd like to think that she was stressed with semester 1 at law school (she has always gotten very stressed studying for CPA & LSAT) and maintaining a LDR is not an easy thing...and it can make your feelings change. But like I said before, it could be another guy or something that I haven't even thought about.

 

I would love to talk to her some more about it...I regret that we had a 10 minute conversation that ended a great 2.5 year relationship. Still, I dont know what any additional talking or reasoning would do. The facts are that something made her feelings change. She will spend another 2.5 years away at school, so I dont see a real possibility of us being able to fix this long distance...if it even is fixable.

 

Like everyone says on here, we'll see what happens with NC. I dont expect to ever get back together, but you can never say never. I like to think of myself as a very secure person...and friends of mine have told me that me insecure is more confident that most people. While I know that's probably true, it doesn't quite feel that way...but I know that most importantly I need to get back to being 'me'...and that takes time and NC. What I also want to avoid is trying to find someone else to quickly replace my ex in the nice 'life plan' we had.

 

Lastly, I have a friend going through a divorce right now. They have a 19 month old child and he is not in favor of the divorce, but she seems to want nothing to do with him. I see what he is going through and what he's in for...so while I feel crappy, I can't imagine what he is feeling...so I know no matter how tough it is, plenty of people have it harder and everyone gets through it at their own pace...

[hottrotter]

Bro i think your really handling this well..

You are keeping a good attitude and your head-up!!

 

I had the same thing happen to me; everything was fine, then she tells me she's been thinking for a few weeks about it, and that she just couldn't see herself with me anymore..

Pretty vague, but whatever. at least she's gone

[ginyi1111]

I read somewhere that it is impossible that we did not see a breakup coming, it's just that at that time we didn't recognise the signs.

 

I keep telling my friends I didnt see it coming but when I looked back at the time when my ex came to visit last month, the signs were there. He was less emotionally accessible and he said 'We will see each other again, just that we don't know when.' Pretty odd thing for him to say as he was always the one anxious to set up a date for our next meeting...

[CentralJersey]

hottotter - Although I'm being logical about it, I dont know that I am handling it well. I feel like crap and have no appetite. I think the only thing I've done well is resisting calling her to talk about things and understand why it ended...but it's only day 4. If I can make it through a month without contacting her, then I'll be proud of myself and hopefully feeling better by then.

 

giny1 - I really did not see this coming at all. I noticed that she was not quite the same on the phone the last couple of weeks before the breakup, but I attributed that to the stress of law school finals. Clearly she was having doubts about us those last couple of weeks...what I have no idea about is what led to those doubts. Although I am resisting calling her so far, I spend my days trying to figure it out and I am still as in shock as I was 4 days ago when it happened.

[carolinawanderer]

FWIW, my theory:

 

Big life changes such as moving are a strain on any relationship. This sounds to me like she appreciated you more while you were *there.* She may have had a good time being with you and even loved you for who you were, but after she moved, she may have realized that she didn't *need* you to be happy, and keeping up a relationship with you became a bit of a chore.

 

You say you guys had independent interests? My ex and I did too. But when we were together (we had a LDR), I ALWAYS wanted to be with her. Things probably would have been different had we actually lived together (we did but I got dumped as soon as we moved in, but that's another story). But it sounds like she might be the type of person that has plenty of other things to fulfill her if she doesn't have a relationship. Now, that's a good thing, but in your case, she may have just not felt strongly enough to keep a relationship with someone who was just hardly ever around.

 

Like I said, if she enjoyed having you around, doing things with you, and the physical connection/sex, it might have been much more than exactly that. Things like moving away for a while are the true tests of love.

 

You don't seem to have a lot of regrets and don't seem to be dwelling on whether it was something you did, so my advice is to try and move on as much as possible. Clearly, this woman did not love you enough to be devoted to you just because she was gone for a little while.

[CentralJersey]

Carolinawanderer - For the most part, I think I agree with you. Either way, I want someone who has other interests. I dont think you should be with someone who NEEDS the relationship. They should WANT the relationship.

 

I really dont have much in the way of regrets. Of course I could have probably done some things better, but I know I always made her happy. Now I have to suck it up for a few months, go through the pain, and get through things so that I can make someone else happy...someone who is willing to put up with a little time apart if that's what happens...although I would clearly try to stay away from future LDRs.

[Zeegagge]

Reading this post just makes me realize that so many people are going through the same thing I am. Like others I too am in a similar situation.

 

And the fact is, we really just weren't right for each other. Never were, but it didnt stop us from trying for a long long time.

 

I think somewhere in there we even accepted that things werent right but that they were somehow ok enough. Kiss of death that is.

 

Sucks.

[carolinawanderer]

Like I said, if she enjoyed having you around, doing things with you, and the physical connection/sex, it might have been much more than exactly that. Things like moving away for a while are the true tests of love.

 

I meant NOT much more than exactly that. Sorry.

[ginyi1111]

FWIW, my theory:

 

Big life changes such as moving are a strain on any relationship. This sounds to me like she appreciated you more while you were *there.* She may have had a good time being with you and even loved you for who you were, but after she moved, she may have realized that she didn't *need* you to be happy, and keeping up a relationship with you became a bit of a chore.

 

Like I said, if she enjoyed having you around, doing things with you, and the physical connection/sex, it might have been much more than exactly that. Things like moving away for a while are the true tests of love.

 

That is sooo right! My ex broke up with me because he couldnt handle the distance anymore and saying not having me around was difficullt, that he was a very a physical person. I think he was more in love with the idea of having a gf than he was in love with ME. Because if the person is in love with you, no one can replace you and having you far away for a while is better than NOT having you at all.

[carolinawanderer]

That is sooo right! My ex broke up with me because he couldnt handle the distance anymore and saying not having me around was difficullt, that he was a very a physical person. I think he was more in love with the idea of having a gf than he was in love with ME. Because if the person is in love with you, no one can replace you and having you far away for a while is better than NOT having you at all.

 

This is exactly right - I had an LDR and this is what kept me with my ex. I truly loved her.

 

It was frustrating - once, she accused me of being in love with the "idea of her" rather than her with a person. It was awful to hear that. She leveled that at me because we did not share all the same interests, and sometimes I got annoyed at that...but that did not mean I didn't love her for who she was.

 

^^That's just me venting. As far as your situation goes, true love endures nearly anything. A little bit of distance is way down that list of things. He probably liked having you around while you were around, but, perhaps, didn't miss you all that much when you were gone.

[Back2dabasics]

it may be a bad ending to 2009. but now that 2010 is right around the corner. you gotta have nothing but positive energy. out with the old, in with the new. good luck

[CentralJersey]

OK, not sure if I ended 2009 the right way or not. I'm almost a full week (sounds pathetic but feels like forever) into my breakup. My breakup (which you can read about at the beginning of this thread) really came out of nowhere to me. I spoke with numerous friends who told me that she and I did not do the relationship justice by letting it end with a quick 10 minute conversation...and that I, and our relationship overall, deserves a true reason for ending.

 

So what I did was send her an email basically telling her how I feel and that I regretted not really saying much when it happened because I was so shocked...and that I hope we end the relationship based on valid reasons. I did say that I am not writing to get back together and that I understand that whether the reasons were fixable or not, the LDR factor would be there for over 2 more years.

 

I know that on this site, most people will say that breaking NC is wrong and not a good way to move on. I also understand that sending that email makes me vulnerable as I will be eagerly checking my email to see if she responds. I am often accused by coworkers and friends (though never by my ex-gf) as being unemotional and always being logical. Although it's tough to really imagine a future with my ex, this way I followed me heart, said was I needed to and should have earlier said, and I will not regret being too logical or stubborn.

 

OK, now I'm ready to hear about how how I shouldnt have done it...

[ginyi1111]

This is exactly right - I had an LDR and this is what kept me with my ex. I truly loved her.

 

It was frustrating - once, she accused me of being in love with the "idea of her" rather than her with a person. It was awful to hear that. She leveled that at me because we did not share all the same interests, and sometimes I got annoyed at that...but that did not mean I didn't love her for who she was.

 

^^That's just me venting. As far as your situation goes, true love endures nearly anything. A little bit of distance is way down that list of things. He probably liked having you around while you were around, but, perhaps, didn't miss you all that much when you were gone.

 

LOL thats the irony of it CW. He said that he was missing me TOO much and he couldnt handle that feeling anymore. He said it is better to deal with the pain of losing me than to deal with not having me near to him constantly. And he wouldnt give me a chance to try to get a job near him!! Men!!

[ginyi1111]

Hey CJ

 

I almost did the exact same thing when my ex broke up with me on Skype over a 4 hour conversation and immediately turned into a brick wall and shut himself out emotionally. But after a month of breaking up and total silence and being totally ignored by him, I decided it was pointless to let him know how I feel because a) it would be as if i was trying to guilt him to take me back by telling him how much i loved him b) the end result would still have been the same so I was not going to set myself up to be hurt again when I get another no response from him

 

I cant exactly say if you are doing the right thing or not by breaking NC. I think if she has been contacting you then it will probably be a welcomed response to her because she got a reaction from you.

 

Personally I think it is the right thing to do because women are more easily bowled over by such gestures. I dont know how it works for men though to receive such letters. But there is no right or wrong way to handle the post breakup situation. You have to do what's right for yourself. NC worked for me because I have been ignored from the start and I have to do something to regain my pride and self-worth after the pleading texts and email.

 

Hey we gotta live with no regrets. And you have already lost her, so there is nothing else to lose. If you were sure the reason you told her how you feel for her is just to let her know how special she is and not to get her to come back to you, I would support you all the way!

[CentralJersey]

She has not contacted me. I just decided to say what I probably should have said during our 10 minute breakup conversation.

 

I think the reason I wrote to her was only to let her know how I feel. While it would make me feel better to get back together, I do realize how unlikely it would be (from my perspective as well as hers)...and I dont know that it would work based on the LDR situation.

 

Either way, I am not known for making myself vulnerable...so even though I will be hoping for a response, I feel more confident that I will have no regrets in case she and I never speak again.

[ginyi1111]

CJ, just a hypothetical question. If you were dumped like that and to receive a letter like that, would it made any difference? Would you have cared?