laRubiaBonita Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 i am so confused... still AND completely frustrated AND just not happy right now. i love my husband, i just am not happy. ever since his whole anxiety/ lyme disease thing came about(this past spring) everything has changed- he has changed.... he is not the same person, which is both good and bad. he is finally seeing a specialist though about the lyme because he thinks it wa snot properly treated and this is what is causing him not to feel good. he has taken all these test, but still no word- he goes back right after the new year, and that appt. cannot come soon enough! he quit: smoking, drinking, eating certain foods- like refined sugars.... all of which is good, but it makes me feel like a freaking heel... he juices all the time and takes all these suppliments... he has lost weight... and yes all of those things are fine and healthy changes.... but nothing has gotten "better". i think his mood is slightly better since he started seeing the specialist person, but my H is still a freaking baby.... gawd- he whines and whines all the time- his head hurts, his throat is scratchy, his eyes are dry..... blah blah blah... he doesn't talk to me about much of anything and i feel like i am nagging him when i ask questions- mainly because he gives me snapping answers or he gives me looks. when he does tell me his head hurts- or what ever ailment he is experiencing, i tend to ask if maybe it is this or that- like his headache, is it dry in your office? maybe it's the air.... did you wait too long to eat?.... then he gets mad and tells me "i just explain things away....." WTF?? why should i subscribe to his pity party? am i supposed to cottle him and treat him like a sickly baby?? i do not do that- i never have, i will be nice and take care of someone when they are sick- but this getting old... and i get no thanks. I Am the one who looked up specialist on Lyme and asked around.... I AM the one who called and made his appts..... I AM the one who gets him veggies to juice when i am out because i know when we might be low on say celery.... I AM the one who has called and made his dentist appts. it is really taking a toll on my and my happiness- and it is stressing me out, which then causes my eating disorder to flare( i am purging everyday), i am drinking still.....which probably causes him to stress maybe... i do not even know if he really notices much past his nose- so i dunno. i know i need to say something before i explode- but i lack communication skills when dealing with loved ones- i tend to let things fester.... plus i am scared of what will be said- will he tell me i am horrible alcoholic wife who throws up at the drop of a hat? (this is what i think of me).... we haven't had sex at all this month! and the last time i basically sat naked and waited for him to get out of the shower- it seems the times when i want to take him, are the days he has some headache... or just doesn't feel good.... i am just not happy.
Stung Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Sorry you are going though a difficult time. It sounds a bit, to me, as though one thing exacerbating the situation might be different communication styles. You are trying to solve the problem, buying him veggies, asking him about the air quality in his office, and he is just trying to talk to you, to be heard and understood. It's a problem I have with my husband occasionally, although with us the gender roles are reversed. A long-term block in communication like this can lead to simmering levels of resentment and frustration that will cut down on sex, esp. when layered on top of an actual physical problem...(granted, I don't know much about Lyme, specifically). If you can't talk it out and come up with better ways to communicate with each other, why not try MC? And BTW IC for you might not be a bad idea, in any case, if you are purging every day and either think you have real alcohol issues or just look down on yourself (it was unclear to me whether your seeing yourself as a 'terrible alcoholic wife' was a self-esteem/perception thing or an actual alcoholism thing). Please try to be kinder to yourself, as well as to him.
alphamale Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 i am just not happy. hope you feel better LRB...maybe a trial seperation is in order to get your thoughts together
Author laRubiaBonita Posted December 24, 2009 Author Posted December 24, 2009 hope you feel better LRB...maybe a trial seperation is in order to get your thoughts together no way! we are not that far from broken! stung- i have been really considering the IC, for me... although i think he could stand it too..... i am going to, initially, use the services provided through my work place- i will set that up after the new year... i know i have communication issues- i am NOT good at asking for help or at saying no to people- although i am better than i used to be..... honestly, i know part of it is me- unhappy with myself and i am sure that comes through- but i have always felt unhappy with myself. it's like i do have self confidence, but in the same breath i could say i suck...... i feel like i must act accordingly to what i should percieved as- which is the high standard i set for myself, yet i do things to F myself- in turn causing me to be down on me...... although i know i am awesome.
alphamale Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 honestly, i know part of it is me- unhappy with myself and i am sure that comes through- but i have always felt unhappy with myself. it's like i do have self confidence, but in the same breath i could say i suck...... i feel like i must act accordingly to what i should percieved as- which is the high standard i set for myself, yet i do things to F myself- in turn causing me to be down on me...... although i know i am awesome. yea thats pretty much me too - outer confidence with inner self-loathing
carhill Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 OP, was your H this way your entire M? Psychologically, I mean.... Sometimes, things change us. As men, we're socialized to show the world a neutral exterior. Where do we take off the clothes and become human? If we can't do it within our own homes and M, where then? My father was one of those guys who never said a cross word, never let his health problems impact us any more than they had to, and I watched my mother take care of him day in and day out for over four years as he died of cancer. Some of it was really bad, especially when the disease broke him (of that neutral exterior). That was where I learned the value of love and care. That's why I've taken care of my mother the same way. I remember telling my stbx, when I first began, to watch carefully and see exactly how I'd take care of her if she was to ever fall ill. It wasn't until later I came to realize that didn't matter to her and she just resented the time and energy I put into my mother's care. I hope you can see with better eyes and find a way to resolve whatever feelings you are having. I doubt your H asked for this or wants it. IME, nearly all men define themselves by their ability to work and overcome. Getting hammered by a health issue can be devastating. Support is so valuable. Just think about when you come to die, who do you want holding your hand and looking in your eyes and knowing that you're not alone? You're fortunate to have a family. Now go enjoy them. Merry Christmas
quankanne Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 LB, it sounds like he's whipped himself into a state of hypochondria ... that if he tells you what's going on, and if it's NOT the lyme disease, then something else is wrong with him. And worried on top of that about it really BEING lyme disease if the doctor's results come back positive. Some folks are like that, just don't know how to handle health issues as calmly as others do. maybe it's time to talk to him so you can set a baseline: That he's entitled to get a little weird but to keep it to himself, though if it becomes a serious concern, he NEEDS to share with you so that he can get the medical attention he needs. You know, kinda like being a responsible mama at times. Which, though it can suck, is just one role a wife plays in a marriage, same with guys when it comes to their area of expertise.
Tayla Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 THe strong know there weakness's. Sounds like you recognize areas of concerns as does your spouse. You both express them either in verbal or thru actions. I can say sincerely that Lyme does mess with the personality and moodiness of a person. Read up on it. It really does take a toll on a person.....may hubby get the care necessary to eleviate the affects it has on the physical body. Carry on as usuallon your side. Listen when need be and change topic when the opportunity arrives. It can be done. Simple validation or empathy on both your parts are in order. May you both gain from this ordeal and not let it hinder.
Lovelybird Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 Hi, I feel like you are like his mother, I could be wrong. If it is the case, you are taking responsibilities of his, of course he will be not happy about this because in the bottom of his heart he knows he isn't doing what he should do: take up his own responsibilities, and you are encouraging him that, an enabler, what an enabler get? resentment from the person whom you enabled. like a spoiled child hates his mother. Maybe find a way to let him know what your needs are, how you really feel about his whinings, stop trying to solve problems for him....let him know that you really love him but could not take the whining anymore and take some actions. The new thing I just learned recently, you have to evoke a consequence of his action to let him know his responsibilities, what consequence of his whinning? a natural consequence of it. but before you evoke a consequence, make sure communicate first, if communication cannot get to him, then consequences.
HeyThere Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Dear Beautiful One – Heart wrenching story. Firstly put the I back in i, both in your description and writing you are in need of me time – fun, important events and activities. Secondly, you have definitely picked up maternal traits for your husband, setting up appointments, etcetera…which moves you away from being his wife. Thirdly, look at individual therapy you’ll discover much about what is affecting you. Fourth, your husband is feeling crapy, don’t over emphasize it or dwell on it, let him deal with it or not – his issues, not yours. Good for you for telling alphamale to go to betaville, I think his head looks sad. Happy and Healthy New Year to you and your husband! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -- Eleanor Roosevelt
allina Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Hi LBR, I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well. Have you talked to hubby about how much this is bringing you down? I also hope you can get some help for yourself regarding the ed, I'm sure you know how serious that is. Best wishes to you.
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Maybe just focus on you and let him be for a while.. Do what you can for him, but also, know when to push him.. otherwise he's going to become agrophobic and even too dependant on you..ALL behavioural habits which are bad bad bad and very hard to undo without therapy... which leads me to you.. If you are unhappy with you, do CBT (yes alpha, I am promoting CBT again) I think it will help you alot. Don't give up on your H. He is messed up and isn't himself.. He needs your love, support and faith that he can survive this, that your marriage is going to be OK, that you won't leave him. As frustrated as you are with him, he feels a million times worse, more than you could ever imagine.
Spooky84 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Do you take this man to love in sickness and in health? I do. Well....unless it gets difficult.
mrsT Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 I really feel like the best step for you would be to get in a group therapy. I am thinking of a twelve step for people with eating disorders and or a AA meeting. The best part about these is the time required to focus on you and not him and and hearing other people's stories. Just once a week even to get out of the house and make that your time to focus on getting yourself on the road to recovery. Bulimia is a sign of extreme self hatred. Alcohol addiction is just that, a chemical addiction. Clearly your husband has issues!!! But you need to focus on getting the log out of your own eye first. Then you can see more clearly to help him. Once you have done all that, then begin to focus on the marriage again. Best of luck to you!!
HeyThere Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Maybe just focus on you and let him be for a while.. Do what you can for him, but also, know when to push him.. otherwise he's going to become agrophobic and even too dependant on you..ALL behavioural habits which are bad bad bad and very hard to undo without therapy... which leads me to you.. If you are unhappy with you, do CBT (yes alpha, I am promoting CBT again) I think it will help you alot. Don't give up on your H. He is messed up and isn't himself.. He needs your love, support and faith that he can survive this, that your marriage is going to be OK, that you won't leave him. As frustrated as you are with him, he feels a million times worse, more than you could ever imagine. I’m a bit acronym challenged – what is CBT? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -- Eleanor Roosevelt ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Card carrying member of CRAP – Citizens Resisting Acronym Proliferation
HeyThere Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Thanks carhill, a very effective type of therapy! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -- Eleanor Roosevelt ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Card carrying member of CRAP – Citizens Resisting Acronym Proliferation
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