i'm happy with our love-grown-out-of-friendship marriage but my wife's not

[dadoftwo]

My wife and I have been married for 12 years. We've accomplished great things together and get along great. We've had a fairly decent sex life too. A couple months ago though she admits to me that she sees me more as a friend than a husband (the whole, "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" speech). Seems she's been struggling with this from the beginning and has always wished she had gone for a more passion-based, lots-of-instant-chemistry relationship whereas I've been quite happy with our love-grown-out-of-friendship marriage. Since this has come out, we've gradually transitioned into a purely platonic marriage and she's hinted that she might want to separate at some point within the next few years. This breaks my heart because I really really love her. But my biggest concern is the fact that we have two young kids (aged 5 and 8). It just doesn't seem right to break up our family and throw away everything we've built up together just so that she can go try to find some sort of love-at-first-sight, especially considering that our home is actually a very peaceful one and not riddled with fighting or anything like that. There's not even another man in the picture... just an idealized imaginary one that my wife thinks she might be able to find.

 

So, what should I do? Let her go? Try to convince her to stay for the sake of the kids?

[phineas]

So she pretended to be attracted to you for 12yrs & even had kids with you?

Don't buy it.

 

when I caught my wife cheating she basically re-wrote the marital history.

Complianed I didn't really propose properly, complained about speeches as the wedding.

Said "we wern't friends"

 

"I love you but not in love with you" almost universally means she is cheating or coming close to it.

 

If she tells you now the marriage is over then she can cheat & justify it.

 

My wife told me "she didn't feel married"

The nut-job started online dateing when our first sone was around 3 months old & cheated for 3 yrs.

 

She only said all that garbage when I caught her.

 

I would look into another man.

don't ask her. She won't be truthful if she was cheating.

Just look into it before you do anything else.

[floridapad]

Agree with Phineas. If there is not an EA going on there certainly is someone she is interested or in the beginnings of and EA. Asking her about an OM will make you look weak and jealous in her eyes and only make you look less attractive. She would NEVER tell you the truth anyways.

 

Start reading your ass off about these situations. She feels you can not provide certain romantic emotional needs, partly because you've been together for so long and she see's you as, well,.....ordinary. How old is your W? 40ish?

[dadoftwo]

Wife and I are both in our mid-30's.

 

She was indeed starting down the EA road (that's actually why this all came out) but has since cut it off (which I'm pretty sure about because the guy is with someone else now)

[HeavenOrHell]

To be honest even if you'd had the chemistry in the first place it probably wouldn't have lasted. I was dumped after 18 years as he was no longer in love with me, he said it had gone into something deeper, but I guess it didn't count for anything, cos I'm sitting here bored and lonely out of my skull on xmas eve, and going to bed early as there's nothing else to do as everyone else is busy.

[CBIIS1]

Tis the new world woman. Mine was watching the bachlorette, and soaps and...Then she started getting ideas and then I got the I'm no longer in love with you la,la,la. Listen to this. She's gone to her mother and father tonight with my daughter to celebrate Christmas eve. She's bringing the daughter back home after midnight. When she does, she's going to spot a blue truck in the driveway. Its my Gfs. I'll be sleeping with her in my ex's sleigh bed tonight.

 

My ex is going home alone because her "fling" went sour a few months back. Now, I'm a pretty good looking guy for 47 if I do say so myself. I didn't think so when I was with her cause she always made me feel like crap. My self-esteem was not good when I was around her. Since she's gone women have been in my face 24/7. My GF is a 36 year old widow who is well off and pretty cute to boot. I miss my wife but so far I'm doing pretty good for five months into the game. The ex's Christmas present is going to be a pretty pissy ride back home alone to her apartment thinking about what her ex-husband is doing in the bed she bought with that 36 year old widow. Hohoho! My friend, move on don't get too mad, get very even, re-learn to be that man you were, don't believe everything a woman tells you and for God's sake keep away from marriage, women don't really believe in it, they just use it to get rich.

[confusedinky]

Hey... alot of us here have heard that same speech... honestly it's just cheaters talk. These women think the grass is greener and hell it does look good on the otherside with some guy who is not in the "grind" with her in raising young children. Tread carefully my friend.

[McGrupp]

http://www.theoccidentalquarterly.com/archives/vol7no2/v7no2_Devlin.pdf

 

read that. i think it might help. check out the 2 guys that walked away with their balls of over the 70 marriages studied.

 

if you suggest separation first you might just save this thing. but use your own digression...

[karnak]

The more I study human behaviour and break-ups, the more confused I get.

 

The only conclusion I'm reaching so far is that 90% of people who state they're "in love" with the people they're marrying , don't really know what they're feeling. Often they (usually women) seem to confuse friendship, or sex lust/passion, with love.

 

Personally, I'm starting to firmly believe that, if ever "real love" was scientifically proven to be a myth, the institution of marriage should be abolished. After all, if there's no love, then we're no better than the other primates.

 

'Nuff said.

[McGrupp]

from that PDF

 

The second case was a man in a second marriage who had made all the usual mistakes the first time around but, unlike most husbands, managed to learn from the experience. As soon as his second wife started talking about a vague “unhappiness,” he inferred that she had met another man. He put down in writing clear conditions for remaining married to her and refused to agree to any separation, knowing it would only be a prelude to divorce. Insisting she break off her extramarital affair at once, he wrote: “I will not allow my spirit to deteriorate because of your indecision.” Rather than attempting to remove all possible grounds for his wife’s discontent, he simply told her: “complaining is no longer acceptable. If you want me to do or not do something, you must tell me what it is. I do not expect you to read my mind and I will no longer try to read yours.” This worked.

 

if i was you i would try something like that. or start getting evidence and a good attorney

[Woggle]

I would get a lawyer and start preparing for a divorce. That Women's Infidelity book should be required reading for any man about to get married.

[reboot]

That Women's Infidelity book should be required reading for any man about to get married.

 

No kidding. Just the review of the book was eye opening. Wow. Some of it hit home, hard.

[LisaUk]

Tis the new world woman. Mine was watching the bachlorette, and soaps and...Then she started getting ideas and then I got the I'm no longer in love with you la,la,la. Listen to this. She's gone to her mother and father tonight with my daughter to celebrate Christmas eve. She's bringing the daughter back home after midnight. When she does, she's going to spot a blue truck in the driveway. Its my Gfs. I'll be sleeping with her in my ex's sleigh bed tonight.

 

My ex is going home alone because her "fling" went sour a few months back. Now, I'm a pretty good looking guy for 47 if I do say so myself. I didn't think so when I was with her cause she always made me feel like crap. My self-esteem was not good when I was around her. Since she's gone women have been in my face 24/7. My GF is a 36 year old widow who is well off and pretty cute to boot. I miss my wife but so far I'm doing pretty good for five months into the game. The ex's Christmas present is going to be a pretty pissy ride back home alone to her apartment thinking about what her ex-husband is doing in the bed she bought with that 36 year old widow. Hohoho! My friend, move on don't get too mad, get very even, re-learn to be that man you were, don't believe everything a woman tells you and for God's sake keep away from marriage, women don't really believe in it, they just use it to get rich.

 

Not all of us CBIIS1. Not all of us. I was betrayed. I loved him to the ends of the earth and back again, I was faithful to him for 18 years and wanted nothing more than to be in his arms in my old age, that's all, nothing more, just him.

[Woggle]

Not all of us CBIIS1. Not all of us. I was betrayed. I loved him to the ends of the earth and back again, I was faithful to him for 18 years and wanted nothing more than to be in his arms in my old age, that's all, nothing more, just him.

 

With the shortage of women such as yourself it pains me to see you betrayed.

[trippi1432]

Honestly CB - the idea that women watch soaps or TV shows and project that on their relationships is not a new thing....many generations of men have stated this. Just the other day, my own father claimed this about his first wife (my mother). Stated that she watched soaps all day and immediately projected the events on their marriage. I don't agree that this is the new age of women, but yes...there may be some women that are out there like this.

 

I have to agree with Lisa on this however....not all women fall into this category, there are many who do know the difference between fantasy and reality. My first ex tried to say this about me many years ago....I was totally devoted to him and was still finding out about all the women he cheated on me with years after we divorced.

[nobmagnet]

yep lisa is correct. When I commit to another person thats it. I dont even notice other men. I thought lowlyworm and I hit the deep understanging love 4 years ago you kknow finishing each others sentances and such For me it was a comfort and a privalidge to arrive at that kind of love. Lowly didnt. He decided god knows when actually but this past two years at least have been hell for me. No matter what I said or did annoyed him. He spent more time away. He became obsessive over his computer (locking it) and never had his blackcurrant (or what ever its called) out of his pocket.

 

ILYBIAMILY yeah right. You dont love me in any shape or form because you have already gone. Lowlys the blummin lot. Its a crappy excuse for them to do as they please. I want all cheeters to get a taste of the pain they cause. See the effort we dumpees have put into a floundering relationship to no avail. UGH How the hell can some people be so blummin callas to somebody who clearly still loves them????? I could never do that and never have done that. grrrrrr sorry im a bit cross today.

 

hugs xxx