dunnogirl22 Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 10 months. We are both in our early 20's and have a great connection and have a lot of fun together, but our only problem is in the bedroom. He is a virgin and knows that I am not, and we have yet to have sex in our relationship. Not that this is a bad thing, its just he is really shy because he has never done anything with a girl before me. He says he wants to sleep with me, but he just isnt confident enough to make any move on me what so ever. We have had many talks about how its not me, and he insist its his fault. I am a physically fit girl and I dont consider myself to be assertive, but I have tried to be a little more since i dont want him to be uncomfortable or feel pressured or feel like our relationship hangs on this. Its just something I know we both want, yet seems so out of reach and it shouldnt feel like that. None of this really bothers me because I love him and i feel we have a real foundation in our relationship. At the same time, it bothers him a great deal when we try, and he cant perform because he is too nervous to the point where nothing I say will help, and he just shuts down. The only physical thing we do is I perform oral. I have never liked doing it in other relationships, but with him I like it because I get to see him enjoy it, enjoy me... but its kinda to the point where thats all we do and he never returns the favor. I dont want to be selfish, Im just always turned on and I always want him. And I tell him that, and nothing. I know he is just a shy guy, but its been 10 months, I live with him, and he still cant simply just put his hands south. I always have to make the first move, and it always ends with him being satisfied and me just thinking of how I want him so bad. I guess I just need advice on what should I do? Should I step even farther outside my comfort zone and lead him in the direction? Id like both other girls and guys opinions please/
stevejohnson1976 Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Communication. You need to tell him how you feel. He's an adult. He needs to man up. At the very least he should be reciprocating the oral. You have to start somewhere.
Yukikazi Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Both of you get drunk then go attack the boy.. You can always claim it was the alcohol that made it happen.
CarrieT Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 I'm sorry - you are LIVING TOGETHER without being able to talk about sex and all you do is perform oral on him??? I am speechless.
Author dunnogirl22 Posted December 25, 2009 Author Posted December 25, 2009 I'm sorry - you are LIVING TOGETHER without being able to talk about sex and all you do is perform oral on him??? I am speechless. Yes I know. We've talked about sex. But the few times we have tried to have sex he hasnt been able to keep it up because he is too nervous. Talking goes no where because whenever things are heating up, he does nothing. And then he realizes he does nothing and yet it doesnt change. I just have yet to bring up this to him because I wanted to get second opinions. Oral seems to be the only way to be physical at all, because he wont make a move, but I think its only right he can return the favor. I really think that after 10 months, he shouldnt be so shy anymore. I just think he should know these things because he watches porn, I just wish he could come to me first. Ahh damn. But you are all right, Ill talk to him. Thanks.
stevejohnson1976 Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 seriously. if its important enough for you to post it here, it HAS to be importasnt enough to discuss it with him, despite the awkwardness. if he loves you, he will work through it for YOU. heres an idea, stop pleasuring him until he gives you a little something. there is NO REASON he cant stimulate you orally.....that has nothing to do with maintaining an erection.
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 heres an idea, stop pleasuring him until he gives you a little something. Ooo. EXACTLY. That is EXACTLY what I was about to say. I don't understand why you keep giving him what he wants if he's not reciprocating. That's not fair. Let his pressure build (so to speak) and it'll make it easier to keep his freaking erection when you want more.
CarrieT Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 I don't understand why you keep giving him what he wants if he's not reciprocating. I don't understand why people (children?) are engaging in relationships to the extent of living with each other before they are able to communicate effectively about their most base bodily functions and needs.
carhill Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 At that age I was the Energizer erection bunny. OP, he's not a virgin. He's had his d*ck in your mouth. He's just passive. I'd next his 'lazy' ass. You deserve much better.
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 I don't understand why people (children?) are engaging in relationships to the extent of living with each other before they are able to communicate effectively about their most base bodily functions and needs. Well, that's a given, but it seems to be fairly common from what I've observed on here.
Author dunnogirl22 Posted December 25, 2009 Author Posted December 25, 2009 I don't understand why people (children?) are engaging in relationships to the extent of living with each other before they are able to communicate effectively about their most base bodily functions and needs. Well in all fairness, I moved in with him and his family. We dont have our own place yet. I think we communicate fairly well, but its not always effective when it comes to this area because we can agree on something and work out, but then in the heat of the moment nothing gets done. I agree with everyone. I will just talk to him, I just wanted advice on it before hand to make sure I have the right thought process. I am not afraid to communicate with him, I just think it wont be effective because of how nervous he gets. How can I help that? It seems to be out of my hands and I dont get it. I have stopped giving him oral, but there is no pressure building because when it comes down to it, he will just utilize internet porn and get the job done when im not around or after i go to sleep. I could care less about him looking at porn but I just get tired of him going to that instead of atleast trying to intiate something with me. He is a good guy, I know he will be more than willing, i just think he is oblivious to it but I thought that even though he doesnt have expierence, he is still a guy and thinks like a guy so I thought he would figure it out, guess not. Thanks for all the comments.
carhill Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 I have stopped giving him oral, but there is no pressure building because when it comes down to it, he will just utilize internet porn and get the job done when im not around or after i go to sleep. Passive. I went through a phase like that in my M, when I felt taken advantage of and unappreciated but didn't communicate it properly, instead engaging in passive behaviors like substituting porn for intimacy. His reasons might be different, but he's still being passive, and IMO that's unhealthy. It doesn't sound like he really wants an adult intimate relationship. If nothing changes, what's your timeline? Another sticky area here is you're living with he and his family. Be clear with yourself about why you're there.
Kamille Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 Does he ever perform oral on you? Maybe if he learned how to please you, it would take some of the pressure off?
CarrieT Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 Does he ever perform oral on you? No, she said in her first post that the only physical thing they do is that she performs oral on him. Dunnogirl, I was being harsh for a reason -- why are you living with him (or his family) when it sounds like, as Carhill said, your guy is not ready for an intimate relationship. From what we have been reading, it sounds like you both need to be on your own and learn to communicate better. That will make a better relationship versus the passive/aggressive behavior of you not performing on him and he not being able to talk about it.
stevejohnson1976 Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 the more ypou talk about it, the less 'scared' he will become. touch yourself in front of him...show him how you like it. communication, communication, communication...and THEN more communication.
Kamille Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 I was asking more to find out why he wouldn't return the favor of performing oral on her. Otherwise, yes, I admit that so far he sounds very selfish in the sex department.
stevejohnson1976 Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 you cant just receive the gift, you have to give the gift. no more gifts until he gives a gift.
Author dunnogirl22 Posted December 25, 2009 Author Posted December 25, 2009 I was asking more to find out why he wouldn't return the favor of performing oral on her. Otherwise, yes, I admit that so far he sounds very selfish in the sex department. Its not that he has said he wouldn't, he just hasnt done it nor made any move to do so. (He did do it once, but we were wasted and he says he doesnt even remember) I don't think he knows he's being selfish, but I agree that he is. He doesn't have any expierence prior to me so I think the main issue is he just doesnt know, and I havnt addressed this yet because I thought some kind of guy instinct would kick in and he would want to... Ill talk to him about it, Im just glad Im not in the wrong or anything. Thanks.
alphamale Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 I guess I just need advice on what should I do? most likely you need another bf due to sexual incompatibility
Yukikazi Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 He doesn't have any expierence prior to me so I think the main issue is he just doesnt know, and I havnt addressed this yet because I thought some kind of guy instinct would kick in and he would want to... Ill talk to him about it, Im just glad Im not in the wrong or anything. Thanks. You said he watches porn.. he knows what to do.. its not exactly rocket science. Is it possible he is very subservient? Maybe you should get a whip and start ordering him to satisfy you.. see if that works. Take ques from the type of porn he watches.. see if there is a pattern or bias in what he watches
alphamale Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 Take ques from the type of porn he watches.. see if there is a pattern or bias in what he watches what if he's watching gay pornography?
kimflute26 Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 ^ Not a bad guess right there... haha!!!!!! But seriously OP, your boyfriend sucks. It's obvious that the only reason you're staying with him through this is because you're thinking of him as a clueless puppy who doesn't know what to do. Don't make excuses for him. If he was a real man he'd say, "Wow... You've been giving me oral but you're never getting any pleasure back... maybe I should do something about this." Anyway, there are other guys out there who will make an effort to please you... you're settling if you stay with this guy.
Zeegagge Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 Wait til he's on the computer late one night, sneak in there and attack him... and tell him if he doesn't then you're leaving!
Author dunnogirl22 Posted December 25, 2009 Author Posted December 25, 2009 From what we have been reading, it sounds like you both need to be on your own and learn to communicate better. That will make a better relationship versus the passive/aggressive behavior of you not performing on him and he not being able to talk about it. I dont really have a timeline, I guess I'll just discuss it with him and he may just agree. Last time the issue was brought up he just said I shouldnt have to deal with it. I dont think living with him is a big deal because I did it cause it just fell into place. The only issue we have is this, everything else is great and everything else we do communicate. but everyone here is also saying some really true things, which is why i decided to post on a forum. its not all things i wanted to hear, but i think i needed to hear them.
alphamale Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 The only issue we have is this, everything else is great and everything else we do communicate. so whats the problem? you can't have everything in one person
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