Justtoodangtired Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Hello. This is my first post here and even having to post here makes me so ANGRY! I mean, my BF is the one who can't stop lying, can't stay off the singles websites, porn sites and just being a selfish ass. Yet here I am, the one whose heart is broken, my ability to trust ruined and he seems to go his merry way in his life. I will try and make this as short as possible. Early on in our relationship, I had found him with several profiles on singles and adult sex websites. I was given the whole cock and bull story about he's sorry and did it because he was needing to feel "attractive" and "wanted", which by the way, was crap, I know. did the whole crying thing, he's sorry, blah, blah, blah. Well, I forgave. Over the past three and half years, I have found several more of the same. And always i get the same story and forgive. Now this time, I noticed he was using private browsing A LOT and it peaked my curiosity. So, I searched and found more profiles and also some contact to a woman through his facebook where he said he was having feelings for her. So, a few nights ago. I gave him the alternative to either fess up to everything, we have full disclosure of everything and no more betrayal, lying etc. and he must see a counselor or he leaves! Well, he of course cries, says he wants to be a better person, etc. I agree to work through this with him only on those conditions. Well, guess what. Today I wake up and again private browsing. I know I am being used and taken advantage of. I am so tired of this. I have this pain in my gut that is killing me. i don't know how t ever be able to trust. The lies are just too much. I gave him the opportunity to be completely open and he chose not to take it, I suppose. I know things will never change EVER with him. He just doesn't GET IT! he thinks when we 'talk" , he "cries" and the day progresses, it's all good. NO, it's not all good. He has devastated me and it is changing who I am. I do not want to be "that girl". The one who is with someone who has to wonder EVERY day what is around the corner. why do men/women get into relationships when they want to lie and be single? Why lie and hurt someone? Why not just stay single? I don't know how to do this one more day. I am just a mess. Why am I the mess, when I haven't done these things. I really haven't. I have been a good girlfriend. I have given everything to this relationship and gt nothing in return but lies and more lies. Yet I'm the one feeling like hell.
freestyle Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 So far, he hasn't faced any REAL consequences for his behavior. He's learned that he can do whatever, get caught, say "I'm sorry", and walk away with little more than a symbolic slap on the wrist. If you want to make it work with him (which I wouldn't recommend,BTW) you're going have have to let him know that his disrespect towards you will not be tolerated, period. Apologies are meaningless when the person apologizing turns around and does the same thing they professed to feel sorry about. Do you really want to spend your time having to police his every move?? If he truly cared for you, he would be concerned about your peace of mind. His actions show otherwise. I'm very sorry you're having to deal with this. Betrayal is one of the greatest traumas a person can go through. *hugs*
outofthedark Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 First of all, let me say I feel your pain. My heart goes out to you. I hope my story might help you as I am dealing with the same chit. 6 months ago I found out about a secret chat messenger, craigslist emails and phone calls. I demanded full disclosure. I got "enough" disclosure to satisfy my need to know. I thought I knew everything. I did not. It ate at me that I knew there was more so I began to dig, become a spy, police his actions etc. It paid off as in early November I found that he was again on craigslist and also private browsing. We had a few little heated discussions but then I caught him in a direct lie to my face and lost it. I demanded to know EVERYTHING that he has lied to me about during our 2 year relationship, EVERYTHING. He fessed up about it all. I gave him a calm quiet area to spill it all without reacting. He told me SO much crap, I looked at him as if I had never known him. But at least it was out. We are in counseling now, I couldnt give up on him as 1, I still love him.. the him I used to know that didnt lie to me and 2, I have to try this, we have an infant. Point to this is, I told him, demanded full disclosure AND couples counseling and individual counseling for him. If he wants me he has to do the following. I was ready to walk if he didnt. If he really wants you and your relationship, he WILL make it right. If he doesnt make it right, dont waste any more of your time. I wasted 6 months policing him and becoming our relationship detective. It is not worth it. It is a waste, dont waste your life on someone that wont put energy into you, positive energy! Good Luck
Author Justtoodangtired Posted December 26, 2009 Author Posted December 26, 2009 Thank you both so much for the replies. Anyone who has been in this situation knows, that you just need someone, anyone to KNOW what it is you're feeling. So, thank you for not only reading this but for taking the time for a complete stranger to answer. Well, X mas eve was a nightmare. The day of I reviewed the cache and had seen he was using the safe browsing feature again. He also installed a registry cleaner. I am assuming to clean up his tracks.i tried all day to not say anything because of the kids. However, he could tell something was wrong and kept harping to find out what it was. So, finally I told him that after only 36 hours there he was again sneaking around. Well, surprise, surprise, he adamantly denies he even knows what safe browsing under firefox even is. Yea right. it just shows up in the cache on it's own. But ya know what? He was so adamant I almost believed him. Is it possible this safe browsing shows up on it's own. AM I a total nutcase or what? I really feel I am losing it. I threw his phone, screamed and just lost it. I am so tired of the lying. I need to know it all. I need total honesty and trust or I can't be in this relationship. And I am pretty certain I will never get that from him. We are in a lease together for another 6 months and I don't know what i will do during this time. However, I have kids and we are not moving. If anyone is, it will be him. It is the worst feeling in the world to never know if the person who claims to love you, if looking you straight in the eyes and lying to you.
White Flower Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 It is the worst feeling in the world to never know if the person who claims to love you, is looking you straight in the eyes and lying to you. I'm sorry for your hurt and pain. You need to let him go. He's repeatedly abused your faith in him and you are not even bound to him. Set him free, let him fly away. You WILL find someone you deserve to be with, someone who will love to honor you with the truth. Best, WF.
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