Jealously and Paranoia: Low Self-Esteem, Replacement and a Card Game

[masaki1085]

My current girlfriend and I have been dating each other for about 2 1/2 months. Things have been going really, really well. As a matter of fact, on her end, she feels a lot of hope for our relationship that she hasn't felt in many of her other relationships.

 

Low Self-Esteem

My girlfriend does not have a lot of hope for relationships in general. In a nutshell, she's dated a lot of jerks. She was even engaged for a year and half to some guy who jerked her around (and she ended it). This wasn't her last relationship before meeting me, as she had dated a guy in the spring who she really liked at the time, but who also jerked her around, too. Very hot and cold with her, never returned calls, always kept her waiting--he actually broke up with her, but she had not planned on breaking up with him despite his behavior.

 

When meeting me, she was very skeptical at first about dating, simply because her luck with men has been so bad. She has relatively low self-esteem, so it takes much reassurance on my part to show her that I love her and that I care. She has since gotten much more confident about the state of the relationship, as she says that my treatment of her shows that "she can enjoy a relationship where her SO actually treats [her] well." She admits that she sometimes is waiting for "the other shoe to drop," where I will not be as nice, sweet, caring as I have been so far--she is fearful that it may fall into the same pattern as her previous relationships. Despite all of this, she is very happy with me, and I am very happy with her.

 

Replacement

The other day, we went into her place of work and one of her co-workers/friends made a snarky comment to her, asking her if I "were a replacement for [the guy she was dating in the spring]." The guy who had been jerking her around in the spring used to work with them, and is--according to my girlfriend--REALLY GOOD FRIENDS with the co-worker that made that comment.

 

The comment itself got under my skin (and actually rattled her a bit). Because her perception of dating had been so shaken by her previous experiences (the last one before me with this guy being one that made a large negative impression), I asked her if she was over the guy before she had met me, or did I help her get over the guy by virtue of dating me.

 

She told me that she was over the guy before she met me, as she would have been fine being single if that was her only option. But she also told me that I helped her see that "she can enjoy a relationship where the guy is not being a jerk to her" and that such relationships exist. While I did not say this outright, she picked up on the fact that I was feeling threatened by the other guy, and she very comfortingly said I should not be scared. While I recognize that many women do not like it when men act jealous, she actually liked the fact that I got jealous--she said that it told her that I really do love her.

 

Card Game

In our conversation about that comment her co-worker had made, she had mentioned that her co-worker at the time was rooting for the relationship between her and the other guy from the spring because the other guy was his REALLY GOOD FRIEND. I guess they went on many double dates together, so she was explaining that in this co-worker's perfect world, he would probably wish to recreate this.

 

In the past couple weeks, this co-worker has been bugging my girlfriend to rejoin this RPG card game with him and his friends. She hasn't played this game for quite a long time she has been involved with it--as she explains, she's the only female among a group of guys that she works/worked with. Although not explicitly stated, my fear is that other guy would be there (this is based in my own fear, assumption and paranoia--not in any fact), and it is my fear that the co-worker would be trying to push my girlfriend and that guy back together. It is very recent that she has been getting mass invites to play this game again--I believe that the last time she participated was earlier in the year.

 

Conclusion

Perhaps I am being really paranoid. And in a nutshell, I DO trust my girlfriend, but I DO NOT trust the co-worker and I DO NOT trust the other guy. The other guy hasn't tried to get back together with my girlfriend since--as a matter of fact I do not think they've spoken since he broke up with her. I don't trust the other guy's fickle behavior from the spring, and since she HAD NOT wanted to break up with him at the time, my fear is that the other guy would take advantage of my girlfriend's low self-esteem, as he did when he strung her along. I don't know if this makes any sense at all, but it leaves a bad feeling in my stomach.

 

On the flip end of that, things have gone exceptionally well with my girlfriend and I could just be getting really paranoid about nothing. I've not communicated this paranoia to her, and do not plan to unless something like what I'm fearing actually occurs.

 

She got another card game invite this weekend while I am out of town for Christmas....

[Knossos]

First of all, I'm glad to see that you have patience with your girlfriend's low self-esteem and distrust of relationships. Experiences shape a person for better or worse, and it's the latter that often create problems in relationships. Most partners wouldn't be so willing to help the other person regain trust in love. You're a rare sort, a very kind sort of person.

 

I think your girlfriend is smart enough to know that her ex and his friend are just trying to start trouble. She won't be stupid enough to fall for their tricks, because she knows she would lose a truly good man in the process.

[Javelin]

First of all, I'm glad to see that you have patience with your girlfriend's low self-esteem and distrust of relationships. Experiences shape a person for better or worse, and it's the latter that often create problems in relationships. Most partners wouldn't be so willing to help the other person regain trust in love. You're a rare sort, a very kind sort of person.

 

I think your girlfriend is smart enough to know that her ex and his friend are just trying to start trouble. She won't be stupid enough to fall for their tricks, because she knows she would lose a truly good man in the process.

 

Gah, well said... Not much more to add after this statement!

[Ophelia Rue]

Wow. A lot of drama for 2.5 months already, huh?