crrogers Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 (edited) I met a girl through Yahoo personalsabout six months ago. She was in Michigan finishing her post-doc (she is a physician) and, on the first date, told me that she would be finishing her post-doc in the next 4 months and then leaving Michigan. She is very pretty and very intelligent (Ivy League college, Ivy League Medical School and residency, etc). Unlike other women I have dated, she was very different: She was very affectionate, very much into her appearance (excercised daily, watched what she ate [NEVER saw her eat junk food or drink alcohol), very considerate, and not really into sex all that much. Don't get me wrong: SHe was very affectionate as far as kissing and cuddling, but that's about it. However, I am finding her lack of jealousy a little concerning. During our first few months of dating, she asked to use my computer. Well, I fell asleep and she had found that I was on a hook-up site flirting with another woman. Basically, I was on this site before we met and would get e-mails from people on the site saying they had winked at me, etc. Well, I would go on there to check these women out and chatted with one who wanted me to come over. I flirted with her but told her I couldn't come over because "I was too tired" When she found this IM conversation on accident, she waited 3 hours for me to wake up and then very calmly said, "Maybe you're not ready for a committed relationship" and then very calmly told me what she found. After a short coversation, I agreed to delete my profile. She handled it so calmly that I almost got the feeling that she did not care about the relationship. SHe left Michigan in August and has been living at her parents' home while looking for a job. We plan on moving in together but her continued lack of jealousy makes me wonder if that is a good idea. She encourages me to go out to the bars with my friends, saying I should'nt isolate myself. When she said this today, I jokingly said I am a married man and she said that didn't mean I shouldn't go out. Even stranger, when I go out, she doesn't care if I call her when I get home. I often times tell her I am hanging out with ex girlfriends (platonically, and that is true) and she doesn't seem to get alarmed. Stranger still, I know she doesn't go out. She pretty much stays at home. She said today that we need an endgame plan after she finds a job -- that we need to either move in together, start aggressively moving towards that goal or just be friends because it wouldn't be fair to either one of us to be involved in a never-ending long term relationship. I really love her and, she always says and shows she loves me. However, i want a gf who will be a little possessive as I think it shows concern about the relationship. Others I have dated would have been VERY averse towards my going to bars, and DEFINITELY not encouraging it....Have any of you ever been with someone so non-possessive?? Edited December 24, 2009 by crrogers
Lovelybird Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 I really think you meet a really cool woman ! Non-possessive is good for a relationship. maybe she just allow you have freedom, then watch what you are going to choose. she is mature, and then wants the same mature man? But, she may not be attracted to you as you are attracted to her. She may want to open her eyes to see if you are the special one she wants. I don't think it is a good idea that you tried to evoke her jealousy, that may annoy her and influence how she thinks of you. or she is kind of person who doesn't want to show her weaknesses. Only time will tell Moving in idea sounds strange though
edward-e Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 im thinking shes just like me...when you got a lot going for you, theres no need to be possessive because you dont think your partner would ever leave you, just too confident. not to mention that if they do leave you it was the biggest mistake of their lives.
Author crrogers Posted December 24, 2009 Author Posted December 24, 2009 that was harsh, but you (hopefully) know you are exaggerating. I don't want drama, but I find it odd my gf is encouraging me to go to bars on a Friday or Saturday night. I tell her I don't want to go, and she insists. On top of all this, she doesn't even get upset if I don't call her when I get home. I haven't met any sig. other who shows no signs of jealousy...
tfkizzle Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 I almost feel like you are mocking me, because I posted this exact thread about my bf recently. The majority of the responses I got were, big deal, your bf trusts you, there's something wrong with you if you think a little bit of jealousy is a good thing.
Bejita463 Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 I almost feel like you are mocking me, because I posted this exact thread about my bf recently. The majority of the responses I got were, big deal, your bf trusts you, there's something wrong with you if you think a little bit of jealousy is a good thing. Trust and communication are the foundations of a healthy relationship. I tend to try and build upon solid foundations personally. It is daft to build a castle in a swamp.
theBrokenMuse Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 You want someone to act all crazy possessive to make you feel like some sort of treasure to be guarded. Find another path to satisfy your ego and the desire to feel cherished, don't try and derive your security in the relationship by her showing signs of being insecure within the relationship - that is not emotionally healthy for the relationship at all.
hoping2heal Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 that was harsh, but you (hopefully) know you are exaggerating. I don't want drama, but I find it odd my gf is encouraging me to go to bars on a Friday or Saturday night. I tell her I don't want to go, and she insists. On top of all this, she doesn't even get upset if I don't call her when I get home. I haven't met any sig. other who shows no signs of jealousy... I can see your concern. She sounds very rehearsed, almost robotic. Like she is reading and acting from a script, instead of excersizing human emotion. The other thing that caught my attention was you said she was affectionate but not very sexual. It sounds like she may have had a history with sexual abuse or sexual assault. She sounds very disconected from feelings and eeks by "playing parts". I think she is emulating what she believes a man wants in a woman because she is unsure and unable to connect to a person and her feelings at the same time. I understand not EVERY person acts jealous-jealous. However, any person trying to have a relationship and stumbling upon signs that person may be untrustworthy in charachter, etc I would think would have a much different reaction. Even if NOT jealousy- anger, concern, trepedation SOMETHING.
calizaggy Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Dude, you found the perfect woman.. I do understand your point in a way however.. I dated some rather jealous girls, and at the beginning it was flattering.. It made me feel more wanted.. But trust me, it is a living hell to be dating a jealous woman. Jealousy is also a sign of insecurity, and insecure women are far more likely to cheat.
FilthMerchant Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 This woman sounds like trouble dude. Six months ago you met her now she is talking about moving in? You never move in with a girl until marriage. She sounds like a nut.
FilthMerchant Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 I can see your concern. She sounds very rehearsed, almost robotic. Like she is reading and acting from a script, instead of excersizing human emotion. The other thing that caught my attention was you said she was affectionate but not very sexual. It sounds like she may have had a history with sexual abuse or sexual assault. She sounds very disconected from feelings and eeks by "playing parts". I think she is emulating what she believes a man wants in a woman because she is unsure and unable to connect to a person and her feelings at the same time. I understand not EVERY person acts jealous-jealous. However, any person trying to have a relationship and stumbling upon signs that person may be untrustworthy in charachter, etc I would think would have a much different reaction. Even if NOT jealousy- anger, concern, trepedation SOMETHING. This is totally ****ed - you can't tell how she sounded, much less whether she was 'rehearsed', 'robotic' or 'reading and acting from a script' or void of emotion. She responded like somebody who is secure and self-assured... the reason this is an anomaly is because a secure and self-assured female is a rarity. The second part of your post about sexual abuse, and about 'what she believes' - that is just beyond ridiculous. Nobody can deduce anything like that from this guy's description. I have to worry about what's going on inside your head to draw those conclusions. And your advice is a liability
calizaggy Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 This woman sounds like trouble dude. Six months ago you met her now she is talking about moving in? You never move in with a girl until marriage. She sounds like a nut. I am opposed to living together with a woman as well before marriage, but atleast it sounds like she knows what she wants.. It also seems like they are in a long distance relationship, so living together might make more sense than jumping into marriage immediately, or staying in some long distance relationship.
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