This is a busy time of year for me at work and the gf doesn't seem to understand.

[Buckeye Candy]

I'm a confectioner (candy maker) and I've been working around the clock for the holidays. Tonight, she visited me at work and I was tired and distracted and didn't pay her the same attention I ordinarily would have and she was visibly upset though she said otherwise.

 

I called her later and apologized and explained to her about the situation (what I would think should be an obvious one) and it didn't do much to make her understand or feel better. She hung up with a curt good night when she usually would say "I love you" before leaving.

 

With Valentine's Day next, I will be maintaining this pace of work and I'm worried she will feel increasingly left out. I'm not sure how to reassure her.

 

When work was slow during the off season this year, I gave her copious amounts of attention and to me it seems like she is surprised at this sudden change although it is explainable.

 

What can I do?

[pandagirl]

Why don't you just communicate to her that work is busy and stressful now? Then when you have a night off, take her out so she feels special to you.

[Buckeye Candy]

Why don't you just communicate to her that work is busy and stressful now? Then when you have a night off, take her out so she feels special to you.

 

 

Yeah, I have and the funny thing is that she does understand, hence why she says "I'm not upset, nothing is wrong" but then does these passive aggressive things like not say "I love you" when we always say that.

 

She is upset, she also understands I'm busy, but it still hurts her for some reason. I'm not Superman, I can't exhaust myself at work and be the perfect boyfriend all in the same day.

 

She'll get over it likely but the passive aggressive behavior sucks, TBH.

[littlebittle]

yeah, just really make sure she knows that you're not ignoring her or anything because you don't care about her, but because you have work obligations. this happened with my ex and me when he started his new (super busy and stressful) job. we hardly spoke for 2 weeks, but he didn't let me know that he was just busy and exhausted. i probably should have picked up on that, but i didn't. i thought he was just ignoring me and i felt hurt. it wasn't until we sat down and had a talk that i realized that i shouldn't be taking things so personally, and i was still a priority to him. if she cares about you, she will understand.

[SoulSearch_CO]

I think it might be a good idea to sit down with her and explain that you loved spending all the time with her that you had before. Explain how busy things are going to be right now and will be again with Valentine's Day. Explain that you value feeling loved by her and the short snippets of time that you DO get together should be filled with love. They are good things for you to remember about her in the times when you can't be with her. Let her know that it bothers you when it feels like she's trying to be hurtful by not saying "ILY" just to get at you, or something. Those aren't the things you want to remember - you want to have good memories. Let her know that it makes it difficult to want to make contact with her if all you're going to get out of the exchange is grief and guilt.

 

I don't know how you are with your girlfriend, exactly, but you might want to let her know that you value adult communication in a relationship and the PA stuff is kind of a turn-off. I like it when a guy can be honest with me. But I don't know - if your GF is into PA ****, she might not be open to that. PA is really immature.

 

ETA...I have done PA when I felt like being a stubborn brat. So for the guy to call me on it, I think that's fair.

[BobSacamento]

Don't have her visit you at work.

[Buckeye Candy]

yeah, just really make sure she knows that you're not ignoring her or anything because you don't care about her, but because you have work obligations. this happened with my ex and me when he started his new (super busy and stressful) job. we hardly spoke for 2 weeks, but he didn't let me know that he was just busy and exhausted. i probably should have picked up on that, but i didn't. i thought he was just ignoring me and i felt hurt. it wasn't until we sat down and had a talk that i realized that i shouldn't be taking things so personally, and i was still a priority to him. if she cares about you, she will understand.

 

 

Surely the truth with prevail here but in the meantime: Why do people get passive aggressive like this?

 

It is damaging. Like, the last thing I need when I'm stressed out is my girlfriend to get insecure and weird even though there is a valid reason for me being busy.

 

It hurt me for her not to say I love you. She says I'm not upset and all of that but she doesn't say the most important thing I need to hear.

 

I'm not going to nag her about that though, I kind of understand.

 

I'm not sure what I can do to make her feel better though, other than spend the time I have with her and treat her well like I always do.

 

Passive Aggressive people, take note: If you are upset, say you are upset. Don't pull the rug out from underneath someone.

[Buckeye Candy]

I think it might be a good idea to sit down with her and explain that you loved spending all the time with her that you had before. Explain how busy things are going to be right now and will be again with Valentine's Day. Explain that you value feeling loved by her and the short snippets of time that you DO get together should be filled with love. They are good things for you to remember about her in the times when you can't be with her. Let her know that it bothers you when it feels like she's trying to be hurtful by not saying "ILY" just to get at you, or something. Those aren't the things you want to remember - you want to have good memories. Let her know that it makes it difficult to want to make contact with her if all you're going to get out of the exchange is grief and guilt.

 

I don't know how you are with your girlfriend, exactly, but you might want to let her know that you value adult communication in a relationship and the PA stuff is kind of a turn-off. I like it when a guy can be honest with me. But I don't know - if your GF is into PA ****, she might not be open to that. PA is really immature.

 

ETA...I have done PA when I felt like being a stubborn brat. So for the guy to call me on it, I think that's fair.

 

 

Yeah, she is a great woman. I'm sure she realizes too these things you think I should say to her but it doesn't stop her little emotional tantrums.

 

I'm fully aware of PA behavior and also know I have to keep straight and not bend to it or be manipulated by it. I have been guilty of PA myself but I've learned to bite my tongue. I guess, I wish that everyone was on the same page sometimes. Especially when I'm stressed already!

[Buckeye Candy]

So, should I confront the passive aggressive behavior or let it slide? I guess that is my real question. I don't want to create drama unnecessarily. I also, hope to end this behavior from either one of us.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Like I said before - I can do PA sometimes. It worked well for me for the guy to call me on it. Not to make me feel stupid or to sound like he was angry. But to basically encourage adult communication in a calm, controlled, reasonable way. By doing so, she gets a chance to look at her own behavior and make a different choice. If you just ignore it, it makes it okay in her mind. OR, alternatively, she'll assume you didn't get "the message" and do it worse in the future.

[Buckeye Candy]

Like I said before - I can do PA sometimes. It worked well for me for the guy to call me on it. Not to make me feel stupid or to sound like he was angry. But to basically encourage adult communication in a calm, controlled, reasonable way. By doing so, she gets a chance to look at her own behavior and make a different choice. If you just ignore it, it makes it okay in her mind. OR, alternatively, she'll assume you didn't get "the message" and do it worse in the future.

 

 

Good point. Usually, we're both direct about communication, although I think I'm more likely to call her out than her me (if I'm being PA, I maybe don't know because she doesn't call me out?)

 

I'll tell her tomorrow that her behavior (not saying I love you) bothered me.

 

And I'll make her a personalized chocolate fountain.

 

 

Thanks for your ears. G'night and Happy Holidays.

[TaraMaiden]

So, should I confront the passive aggressive behavior or let it slide? I guess that is my real question. I don't want to create drama unnecessarily. I also, hope to end this behavior from either one of us.

 

Yes, but logically, calmly and in a way that gets your message across without apportioning blame.

 

"Look, I have the weirdest job. At a time when others are winding down and looking to relax, chill and enjoy a well earned holiday and rest, I have to step it up a gear, and pull out all the stops to meet demands and keep clients happy with supplies.

So while I really do understand how you might be feeling neglected right now - that's not my intention. That's my job.

And listen - Valentine's day, Easter, Hallowe'en and Thanksgiving are all the same.

Time for folks to take a break.

Time for me to get busy.

Darling, I love you, but that's the package. That's how it comes.

I know it sucks, but it's my living. It's waht I do, what I enjoy and what I'm good at.

 

The minute the day arrives though, I can breathe again, and relax, because by that time, my work is done.

if you can just be patient with me, and try to understand that it's the way things are, it would be a real help to me, because I hate to see you upset, and feeling left out.

I want you by me, with me and supporting me.

Can you see how hard it is for me, seeing you feeling this way?"

 

Try that.

or something like it.

If she agrees, and understands, then that's cool.

 

But if she pulls the hissy fit again, then I think you have to consider whether she is the right kind of person to be with (harsh, I know) but if she's unsupportive in this way, it's kinda selfish and self-centred.

Ya know?

[Buckeye Candy]

Yes, but logically, calmly and in a way that gets your message across without apportioning blame.

 

"Look, I have the weirdest job. At a time when others are winding down and looking to relax, chill and enjoy a well earned holiday and rest, I have to step it up a gear, and pull out all the stops to meet demands and keep clients happy with supplies.

So while I really do understand how you might be feeling neglected right now - that's not my intention. That's my job.

And listen - Valentine's day, Easter, Hallowe'en and Thanksgiving are all the same.

Time for folks to take a break.

Time for me to get busy.

Darling, I love you, but that's the package. That's how it comes.

I know it sucks, but it's my living. It's waht I do, what I enjoy and what I'm good at.

 

The minute the day arrives though, I can breathe again, and relax, because by that time, my work is done.

if you can just be patient with me, and try to understand that it's the way things are, it would be a real help to me, because I hate to see you upset, and feeling left out.

I want you by me, with me and supporting me.

Can you see how hard it is for me, seeing you feeling this way?"

 

Try that.

or something like it.

If she agrees, and understands, then that's cool.

 

But if she pulls the hissy fit again, then I think you have to consider whether she is the right kind of person to be with (harsh, I know) but if she's unsupportive in this way, it's kinda selfish and self-centred.

Ya know?

 

Thank you for the reply. I need to get to bed but I want to clarify that she does understand my job, but it still causes her to pout when I'm busy.

 

Sometimes I think all of the attention I give her when I'm not busy at work is the comparison she draws to when I am busy, however irrational that is.

 

*sigh*

 

[Buckeye Candy]

BobSacamento Don't have her visit you at work.

 

It is like that vampire movie Fright Night. Once you say OK, the invite is forever open.

 

Didn't mean to ignore you.

 

Merry Xmas!

Edited December 24, 2009 by Buckeye Candy