Coping with Uncertainty

[nkcain09]

Hello Everyone!

 

I moved to campus in August 2009 after returning from a year abroad in Japan. My boyfriend of 3.5 years, M, drove me up to college and helped me move in because I had to be there 3 days before orientation because I had a rock-climbing pre-orientation. As M and I were unpacking, someone came to the door to introduce himself. The guy who came to the door said, "Hello, my name is Joe and I live next door." My boyfriend over-protectively introduced himself, stating that he was my boyfriend and that he was helping me move in. I knew from there that things were going to go downhill.

 

During the first week on campus, Joe and I kept running into each other randomly on campus. Something clicked between us. Then, we ran into each other again when my ex-friend, R (she is an ex-friend for a reason), brought him to my room to hang out. When she left the room, Joe and I started flirting and making out. The next day, the same thing happened except things got more heated. He asked me to have sex with him but I told him I would have sex with him the next day (I used the excuse that I had my period lol)

 

The next day, we met up again at a party and I approached him about us having sex. We went back to his room and did it but I noticed he seemed very clumsy. When we finished, he was acting strange. Later on that night, I found out he lost his virginity to me. The whole dorm found out that we had sex and that he lost his virginity to me. Everyone made a big deal out of it. Since then, there have been a series of ups and downs because of it. As for my boyfriend, he only knows about this one and only time Joe and I had sex. Nothing else. Everything below this has been kept a secret from my boyfriend. A big reason why is because I still have feelings for Joe. Honestly, if Joe started talking to me again, I would probably break up with M.

 

He started to avoid me and stopped talking to me for two weeks after he lost his virginity to me. Once we started talking again, we got into another romantic situation and had sex again. Then, the next day, he was all over this other girl, S, at a party. This other girl has a boyfriend too. I got very angry at him and I called him out in front of everyone at the party - saying to him that he had sex with me the night before. Later that night, I tried talking to S because I wanted her to know that Joe and I had something going on. Joe was eavesdropping on our conversation and when I said that he shouldn't be having sex without being ready for the emotions, he flipped and told me that we were over.

 

We stopped talking for three or four more days and then I finally approached him on Facebook chat and made progress. I thought we were going to be okay. The conversation was very deep and touching. Blaahahah I always feel so warm and fuzzy when I think of our conversation that night

 

We were on good terms for about two weeks (although during this time, R told me she thought Joe didn't take our friendship seriously). During that time, Joe was encouraging me to break up with M. I was hesitant. He also said that this happeend to us for a reason. One night, when I returned to the dorm after walking out of a party, I found Joe in the hallway. He was waiting for me. I started crying, saying all of this was my fault. He hugged me and started crying too, telling me none of it was my fault at all and that I had nothing to be sorry for. We then went to the basement and had a long talk. Again, he was strongly suggesting that I break up with Mike and that good things are going to come out of our experiences together.

 

When I left the dorm for a weekend to stay at my aunt's house, I started to think about Joe and was going to take Joe's suggestions. Then, when I came back to campus, I found out Joe 'hooked-up' with S. When I found out, I was trying to stay calm. I wanted to talk to Joe about it a few days afterwards, when things weren't as intense. My friend R wanted me to tell him off though, so I did. I sent him a very harsh text message partially composed by both R and I. I didn't want to send that message but I did. Then, we started to exchange words with each other via text and I finally told him that I wished we would never speak to each other ever again. I didn't mean it though. Joe got very angry and told me that if that's the way I felt, then he felt the same way too.

 

Two weeks passed since I sent the message. During those two weeks, Joe had not said a word to me. I wrote an apology and slipped it under his door (that's how we used to communicate). Along with the apology, I wrote that I would still say hello to him and be courteous to him when around other people for the sake of our dorm. His roommate confirmed with me that he took the letter and read it.

 

Then, one night in October, my boyfriend calls me to propose to me. My boyfriend had been considering going into the Air Force for a while and signed up that day, which was the main reason why he called and proposed to me. Figuring I had lost Joe for good, I accepted M's proposal. Naturally, I ran down the halls, screaming and jumping. I told a few of my dorm-mates. Everyone in the dorm found out within a span of 2 minutes.

 

R got a text from someone telling her to tell me to go down to the Lounge because everyone wanted to congratulate me. I went down to the Lounge and there were 10 people, including Joe. Everyone claps their hands, congratulates me and then Joe says "Hey nkcain09, L wants to be the stripper for your bachelorette party." I was shocked to hear him say that. Because of him saying that, I assumed the lines of communication had reopened so I wrote a note to him and folded it up into an origami star and slipped it under his door. The note basically said that I was glad the lines of communication reopened and that he will always have a special place in my heart. A while after, I kept noticing the star was placed in the hall. I assumed his roommate thought it was garbage and slipped it under the door. 30 minutes later, it was back in the hall. I tried slipping it under one more time. An hour passed and when I left my room, it was back in the hall. I took the star and threw it away.

 

I taped pictures of my boyfriend and I to my door that night because we were having an activity in the dorm - put something on your door that you love. Later that night, I got up to use the bathroom. Guess who was standing there when I opened the door? JOE. When he saw me, he ran away. I was too shocked to chase after him.

 

The next morning, I realized something was wrong. I wrote on a piece of paper "Are you hurt?" and drew a star next to it. That was placed in the hall again.

 

My engagement collapsed because I called my boyfriend and told him I wasn't ready for him to go into the Air Force. We got into a big argument about it. That's another story.

 

Since the engagement, Joe have been very passive aggressive towards each other. I've written notes and facebook messages, some nice and some not so nice (because I feel like his actions are wrong, especially since he hasn't told me why he is not speaking to me or even acknowledging my presence). He also blares his guitar everyday so I cannot study in my room. I even had to call security on him. He also drinks and parties a lot across the hall from my room, blaring music with his friends and being very loud. He's aware that I prefer to go to sleep early but it has been difficult since we got into this fight and since the fight escalated since I got engaged. R has also stopped talking to me. I found out from R that she liked Joe. Judging by various circumstances, she might have backstabbed me by saying something to Joe about me that wasn't true or just said something to him about me that made our situation worse. THERE IS MORE TO THIS STORY THAT I AM NOT PUTTING IN HERE because that would make this post a billion pages long.

 

I've talked to our RAs and even our FYP professor and they said I have done all that I can. We all hope things will ease up when we come back from break but I don't know if they will...

Now, I'm just dealing with all of these conflicting emotions.

 

Sorry that my post is a bit spazzed out. This is wayyy too complicated to describe in text. I just wish there was something I could do to make it better. I HOPE things get better when we return in January.

Edited December 24, 2009 by nkcain09
clarification

[GrayClouds]

Sorry that my post is a bit spazzed out. This is wayyy too complicated to describe in text. I just wish there was something I could do to make it better. I HOPE things get better when we return in January.

 

Let me see if I got this straight, you cheated on your boyfriend, and you feel bad but still kind of like the guy who cheated on your boyfriend with?

It really is not that compicated.

 

 

Here is how to make it better: Stop behaving so poorly. Stay out of relationships until you grow up and can start treating yourself and other people with the respect they all deserve.

 

Your watching way to much gossip girl. This is real life with real people with real feeling.

 

 

.

[McGrupp]

oh to be young.

 

the poor , poor guy that proposed to you.

 

he'll be posting on here soon enough...

 

why dont you just stop chasing Joe and he'll probably come running back. no fbook messages or lil star notes till lets say...February,

 

then hell be back.

 

or just tell all your friends he has a small penis.

 

ya know, whatever works

Edited December 24, 2009 by McGrupp

[nobmagnet]

grow up

 

keep away from men till you can respect them

[novack]

okay i know ls is supposed to be a loving community so i'll try my best to be nice!

 

what are you doing girl?

 

Your obviously seriously immature to be getting married, look at your behaviour! Your only in college and you can't decide what to do with the awkward guy who lives next to you

 

Suggestion: Tell Mike all what you feel for Joe, because your pulling not only him along but yourself as well. You truly don't love Mike AT THIS MOMENT the way you have been acting so getting married would be a huge mistake

 

Joe and you are just acting immature, so try it out and if it doesn't work try someone else!

 

You need to develop a sense of maturity, i am not much older than you yet i can recognize your thought process! Don't rush into things, and maybe next time a man proposes to you don't say yes because its convenient! Also don't tell everyone you accepted after they all know you have been cheating on him with you next door neighbour!

 

sorry to give you a bit of b itch slap, but you need it sister! good luck

[HeavenOrHell]

Well get married to Mike if you want to your marriage to end in divorce quickly.

Does he deserve to marry a cheater?

How would you feel if your fiance was having an affair behind your back, would you find that acceptable?

Do you really think it is ok to marry someone just because your bit on the side is rejecting you?

WTF???!!!!

 

Ever so Slightly out of order to call R a backstabber when you are a prize one yourself.

[Eisenhower]

Posts like this seriously make me fear for the younger generation.

 

Eisenhower

[GrayClouds]

Posts like this seriously make me fear for the younger generation.

 

Eisenhower

 

Go to the married and divorce or OW/OM section and your fear will not be limited to the youth...at least they have a excuse, be it poor, but an excuse none the less.

[nkcain09]

I know. It's a situation I never dreamed of encountering. Am I proud of it? No. And yes, I do have respect for guys. Respect for myself? Not so much but that's another story that I'd prefer not to get into.

 

Regarding both, I can't tell where I emotionally stand. Some days I feel one way and other days I feel another way. I wish things between Joe and I never happened. I want to continue on with life with Mike. We were both happier before all of this happened.

 

Problem is that I fear I cannot force my feelings to be something they are not.

 

Thank you all for the tough-love. I do need it but also please realize this was one hell of a traumatic experience for me. I need all of the support I can get to make it through this with my head on straight.

[GrayClouds]

I know. It's a situation I never dreamed of encountering. Am I proud of it? No. And yes, I do have respect for guys. Respect for myself? Not so much but that's another story that I'd prefer not to get into.

 

Regarding both, I can't tell where I emotionally stand. Some days I feel one way and other days I feel another way. I wish things between Joe and I never happened. I want to continue on with life with Mike. We were both happier before all of this happened.

 

Problem is that I fear I cannot force my feelings to be something they are not.

 

Thank you all for the tough-love. I do need it but also please realize this was one hell of a traumatic experience for me. I need all of the support I can get to make it through this with my head on straight.

 

 

Then step back, tell all that you need some time. a good deal of time, to focus on yourself, Find a professional to talk to, figure the underlining reason for your behavior, learn to respect and love yourself, take the time to learn to be happy with just yourself. Then just maybe you will stop putting yourself in traumatic experiences like this.

 

You do not need support right now, you need courage, courage to do the right thing.At this point it is not about emotions or feelings it about you and you alone. Fix that first otherwise you will keep hurting people, including yourself.

[nkcain09]

Thank you, GrayClouds

[nkcain09]

Also, a big reason why I had accepted the proposal was because I was attempting to move on with Mike. If things had never happened with Joe and I, I would have accepted the proposal. Why? Because I love Mike and I want to make a happy life with him. However, since the incident with Joe DID occur, something has changed.

 

Question: Is it possible for your love for someone to change?

 

Perhaps I am a bad person but by that point, I felt I needed to continue the way I would have without Joe. We've all reached roadblocks that threw us for a loop and off track. What do most of us try to do? Get back up and get back on track.

 

Joe stopped talking to me for two weeks before the proposal happened. I figured this would've given me a chance to end all feelings for him and restructure my relationship with Mike. Okay, I was wrong. I don't think I need to be crucified for that. I'm just trying to deal with the fact that I don't know why I feel the way I do. I have feeligns for both Mike and Joe. Is this possible? Am I a horrible person? I hate the fact I feel this way. One day I can avoid thinking about Joe. The next day, I think about him and it just tears me apart for various reasons.

 

 

Please, just don't crucify me. My god, I know what I did was wrong. I hate myself for all of this.

[LovelyDaze]

Also, a big reason why I had accepted the proposal was because I was attempting to move on with Mike. If things had never happened with Joe and I, I would have accepted the proposal. Why? Because I love Mike and I want to make a happy life with him. However, since the incident with Joe DID occur, something has changed.

 

Question: Is it possible for your love for someone to change?

 

Perhaps I am a bad person but by that point, I felt I needed to continue the way I would have without Joe. We've all reached roadblocks that threw us for a loop and off track. What do most of us try to do? Get back up and get back on track.

 

Joe stopped talking to me for two weeks before the proposal happened. I figured this would've given me a chance to end all feelings for him and restructure my relationship with Mike. Okay, I was wrong. I don't think I need to be crucified for that. I'm just trying to deal with the fact that I don't know why I feel the way I do. I have feeligns for both Mike and Joe. Is this possible? Am I a horrible person? I hate the fact I feel this way. One day I can avoid thinking about Joe. The next day, I think about him and it just tears me apart for various reasons.

 

 

Please, just don't crucify me. My god, I know what I did was wrong. I hate myself for all of this.

 

 

You sound very young.The first step is recognizing the mess your love life is. Great job!

 

Next, if you think you are ready to do the adult thing? Start with what GrayClouds suggested. After that, take a break from all things that smell like a relationship. It is working for me like you wouldn't believe!

 

Sort your own issues out and what type of person you are. If in time, Mike or Joe seems better suited for you, talk to them. Can't promise they will be on the same page as you but you will feel better knowing you didn't allow yourself to continue this heartache for longer than you had to.