Sigfodr's story

[Sigfodr]

Yeah, so, right after high school I meet a girl two years younger than I. She's been out of the hospital for a month or so after trying to kill herself. He dad was an insensitive rage-aholic and made things hard enough. She broke up with the guy - J - she lost her virginity to. Next day she tried to off herself, made it through and a while later, we meet and start dating. I always had a thing for women in need, and she was/is needy.

 

Two years later, we have an amazing wedding and honeymoon. Four years later, she decides she wants to see how J is doing, how his life is going. I honestly have no problem with her contacting him on our shared myspace account. She offers for me to read everything that is said and I check up on it here and there. We've always known she's had unresolved feelings for him, but she is trustworthy, responsible, loving, and the most considerate person I know. We all get together for dinner, and I am a bit cold to him, but I'm cold to everyone except very few people in my life.

 

I trust my wife so much that when she ask to go visit him and his father, I allow it. Why couldn't I go with? Because I work a minimum of sixty hours a week supporting both of us while she earned her four year degree and prepared to start her internship. She graduated earlier this week and I have never been more proud of her. He was there and came up to us after the ceremony, shaking hands and lingering, like he deserved to be there. He has feelings for her to, but like I said, I trust her entirely. She's earned it.

 

We are a very close couple. We've never spent a night apart and work through every argument as it comes up. We always hold each other when we go to sleep. Every night. Apparently, since before her graduation, they held each other. Apparently, Tuesday night, they were going to watch movies together while I worked - and working retail at this time of year when you don't even celebrate Christmas makes you hate everyone a little. We were going to meet at this great little lounge/club afterwards. She wasn't there when I got there, her friends were. She had told me more than an hour and a half previous she was on her way.

 

When I got home, she told me everything. About the cuddling. And the kissing that day. About how she touched his junk. I calmly told her I needed to sort through my feelings and emotions, that we could talk after I sorted out how I felt. I just needed to be alone for an hour or so. This hurt me so badly. I told her I trusted her enough for her to visit and that I understand that they needed to talk, but if it got physical, I didn't know if I could stay with her. She called be back into the bedroom ten minutes later to tell me more. She gave him head.

 

She's never been a huge fan of kissing, but she was making out with him. She knows how special cuddling is to us, but she did it with him. And then she performs the completely selfless act of fellatio on him, and she mentions how he was smiling the whole time. I can't recall the emotions I was feeling, the thoughts in my head. After talking for hours, we slept and the next morning discussed a civil separation. We could live together as friends, I would help support her through the internship (six months). Then, if we couldn't restore our marriage, we would go our separate ways.

 

She called me a work multiple times, crying about how he told her today he can't commit to her unless she leaves me, and even then he doesn't want to rush into anything. I tell her that even if he decides he doesn't want her, that doesn't mean I'm going to be able to continue our marriage. She called me two and a half hours ago to let me know she was depressed and just went out driving. She was in his county, but not seeing him, just trying to sort stuff out. I can't get a hold of her now.

 

She cries about how she wants him, even though he's bad for her, but they love each other so much. She cries about how she wants to save our marriage because she knows I'm better for her. She just wants to spend some time with him to get over her feelings, to get closure over her earlier relationship with him. I don't her. If she comes home tonight, I can't believe anything she says. I know she isn't sleeping with him. Who decides to have sex with an ex for the first time in years during their period? Still, she isn't here trying to help our marriage.

 

Also, I'm not sure I want to save our marriage. I allowed her to go see him, right? What does that say about my intentions? I am having some serious guilt issues about that. I've always wondered if I really loved her. And then, she knew that physical intimacy would be a breaking point for me, and she did it anyway. I can't even begin to think about the work to do to save our relationship, because I don't know if I want to. Or if she wants to.

 

I know this: she depends on me. I don't think she can do her internship if we leave each other and I don't want to bring that down on her. Her parents will be furious with her. They spent half the day of her graduation talking about how wonderful I am for her and her family, about all the good I've done. I feel guilty because I let them down by not stopping this. I feel so overwhelmed by all the things that have happened, I don't know how to begin dealing.

 

I'm sorry to just drop in your forum with this when I'm not one of you. I obviously can't see a counselor, it's the holiday's and everyone's closed. I have no family of my own to talk to, I don't want to slander her to her family or my friends - they're all friends with her. If you've read all this, I would appreciate something. Please help me get started towards... God, I don't even know what.. Healing myself or her? Leaving? Fixing my marriage? She's quite suicidal, if I leave her, she could very well do it. And she's not emo kid suicidal, she's pretty legit in that area.

 

Thank you

[Bryanp]

I am so sorry for you. I hate to say this but I agree with the above poster in that I think you were played by her from the beginning. I think the whole thing was preplanned from the both of them from the beginning. She sounds quite manipulative. I think you deserve better than to be the constant second choice.

[Space Ritual]

Sigfodr,

 

 

I am sorry this happened to you, but please, please, please dont listen to yoru wife. This was planned, and she is not worthy of your love.

 

I think that the posters above me hjave summed it up quite nicely. I will only add that she needs to feel the consequences of her actions. Pack her bags for her, and drop her over at J's house this very night. Put this lump of coal in a stocking and by all means if you don't have any children see a lawyer after the Holiday and serve her with divorce papers. I also agree that she has been doing this for awhile...and whil YOU are at it, you better get checked for STD's, because you got "trickle down truth"...I suspect if went farther than oral, and cheaters usually spill their guts(when they actually do) in degrees to make each new revelation more palatable for them, not for the betrayed spouse. Its their little way of doling out measured guilt so they don't let it overwhelm them.

[lkjh]

Its great that you love her but she has proven that she is not a wife material. Divorce her and cut her loose, stop giving her the best of both worlds. Why should she stop seeing him if you won't stand up for yourself and make her pay for her actions. Make her move out and let her see what she is losing

[lkjh]

She loves him because he treats her like crap, and you are her safety choice. Nice guys finish last

[torranceshipman]

You sound like a great guy and she is 100% not worthy of you. You're handling this with so much dignity-kudos to you. I think thebest thing for you is divorce. Good luck.

[karnak]

You should post this on the Separation/Divorce section. There you'll have the opportunity to talk with many people who know what you're feeling and going through.

[Malenfant]

one thing that hasnt been mentioned by other posters is your comment about how you like needy or fragile women.

 

now you know that you cant stay with her just because you think she may try to top herself again, that is totally up to her, but going into a relationship with someone who has tried this in the past is not a good sign.

 

initially, its great for you because you want to be needed and loved, but she has self destructive tendancies.

no matter how good you are to a person like this, at some point they will jepardise your relationship, then that makes you out to be the bad guy for throwing her out.

 

next time try for someone who doesnt need you quite so much. be with someone because they want you in their life, not because they need you to save them.

the fact that you say you tend to go for needy women says alot about your insecurities, maybe it would be good for you to think about why that is.

[Sigfodr]

I want to thank each of you for your responses. I'm trying to wait till I recover from everything before I make a choice, but for now I can't imagine staying with her. I'm taking my time though, seeing a counselor and letting my wife know that while I'm taking my time, she may need to emotionally prepare for our marriage to end.

 

Particularly, I wanted to thank you, Malenfant. You've reinforced thoughts I've had myself and it's weird. I look forward to discovering myself a bit more afterwards if I do leave her. Of course, there's the guilt over being optimistic about a future without her, but that's just another thing to work on.

 

Again, thank you all for your thoughts.