GF lied to me and broke up (semi re-post of another thread)

[Dutchyankee112]

(This is a summary of another thread i posted here earlier. I think this forum section is now more relevant...)

 

Hello,

 

Last weekend i found out about a lie my girlfriend, with which i had a relationship for about 12 months, had told me. I confronted her with it and after she confessed and explained the lie i forgave her.

However...she felt we could not carry on as a couple anymore.

 

You see, we used to chat over the internet before we moved to real world dating, and she once send me a picture of a girl that looked alot like her, but slimmer and younger. The resemblence was amazing.

 

Now my girlfriend is suffering from a depression and hates lying of any kind, no matter how severe the lie. And she herself never lies about anything.....except for the picture of course.

 

She explained she didnt have a picture of herself but wanted to "hook me" because she was madly in love with me. So a friend of hers gave me a picture she found on the internet. After that she felt trapped and couldnt bring up the courage to tell me, fearing she would hurt me and fearing she would lose me.

 

I eventually did find out because a friend of mine saw the picture on a website.

 

My girlfriend was feeling so shocked, embarrassed, upset and guilty about lying that she decided she couldnt have a relationship with me, because she hurt me and she fears we will do something stupid in the future and hurt each other. So she feels she is protecting me from getting hurt by breaking my heart....her sense of logic is not why i fell in love with her.

 

For a day or two i tried to convince her breaking up was not at all needed and that we wouldnt have to worry about what we might or might not do in the future, but insted focus on the here and now.

My pleads fell on deaf ears and she practically begged me to just let her go, and be her friend and look out for her.

 

She said she needed me as a friend and that she really hopes that she can get out of this mess and she wants me to ask her about trying to restart our relationship by then.

 

Till then she promised she was going to remain single, and wasnt interested in anyone else because i was still the only one she wanted. She wants me to be her friend and give her time and support to get through this and not go too fast.

 

After i let her go she seemed very relieved but she was still very shaken and we didnt contact each other for about 48 hours. I figured i would let her make the first move.

 

Tonight she contacted me and we met up and spend some time together with some friends of hers. All contact she and i had was strictly 100% friend only. And it kinda suprised me yet again how easily women can shut down all romantic/sexual emotions and turn a guy from "future husband" to "good friend" in a mere 2 days. In the meantime im struggling to make sense of all that is happening.

 

We got drunk and she asked me if i wanted to have "casual meaningless sex with a good friend", i hesitated but eventually decided it would only be like giving myself false hope.

I feel a bit like a jerk for thinking this but maybe denying her the sex helps motivate her to work harder on getting back together. I even joked about this and she thought it was funny.

 

She understood i could not have sex with her while we are "just friends". I had a little alcohol inspired moment of weakness in which i got emotional and told her how hard it was to cope with all this.

Again she understood and was kind to me. I quickly recovered and apoligized for getting emotional. After that we went home and i have spent the past few hours writing this post on several love-forums to gather advice.

 

---

 

Wow that was a long one, hope you are all still awake.

Anyway, i really want to help her through this and rekindle my relationship with her. Staying just friends with her is kinda awkward at the moment as in my mind i often still refer to her as my girlfriend. But i want to really achieve my goals:

 

A: Help my ex-girlfriend cope with lying and forgive herself

B: Help easy my ex-girlfriend's concerns that we might hurt eachother in the future if we get back together.

 

Do i back off as much as possible? Be there for her as much as possible? Let her be the one initiating contact all the time? Or surprise her and give her lots of attention? Also, how much of my pain and hurt do i show when she asks me how i feel?

 

Help a guy out here.

Edited December 24, 2009 by Dutchyankee112

[Dutchyankee112]

Maybe i should tell you how my gf and i met.

 

When we started chatting online she was still in a relationship, she wasnt really happy with that relationship but didnt want to leave a guy because she fell in love with someone else. We fell in love but we never did anything, i treated her as a good friend even though we both knew we were in love.

 

So, she caught between a rock and a hard place. I noticed she was "stuck" so i told her id just be friends and she should stay with her boyfriend. Dispite feeling a bit crappy i didnt get to date her i stayed her friend.

 

..well that made her love me even more appearantly, her doomed relationship finally ended and a few months later she and i hooked up for a date and we have been a couple ever since.

 

And owh boy, it's been absolutely amazing the entire relationship. Yeah duh, we had a little arguement here and there but tbh they were few and we resolved them by talking it out and afterwards we'd be totally happy again.

 

The only "crisis" we ever had was when i confessed about a lie i made at the start of our relationship. I had always told her i had sex a few times before her, but i was in fact a virgin. The reasons i lied were funnily enough the same as the reasons why she lied about the picture. Afraid of dissapointing and losing the other.

 

It took a long time for her to properly forgive me for that, and it did result in three weeks of "low contact". After that she said she failed to overcome it, however i convinced her to try it my way and keep seeing each other as much as before and work through it that way.

That worked brilliantly and she was amazed she was able to stay with someone who had lied to her.

 

It must be bitter irony for her to also have to confess she lied about something in the same period of our relationship.

 

Anyway, bringing up the subject about lies or restarting the relationship will likely further annoy her for the time being. I need to find a way to control myself and not bring up the subject for a while.

In the mean time i need to decide whether to give her lots of attention, or very little.

 

Choice i need to make: level of contact

 

It seems SHE prefers to still recieve attention, cuddles, hugs and compliments from me. However that is something she gets from all her male friends, so it doesnt make me stand out. It might firmly push me into the friends-zone but it might also be exactly what she needs and will might help me keep her in the long run.

 

Of course, i could also make her miss me by only letting her initiate contact, but otherwise be a warm, caring and charming friend. Like i was when she fell in love with me. It might help remind her i shouldnt be taken for granted. But as someone posted, it might make her feel i dont care as much anymore.

 

Tough choice.

 

Choice i need to make: showing emotion

 

The 2nd choice i need to make is decide whether to show i am hurt and worse off without her, or show im ok and strong for her.

Showing hurt might make her realize breaking up failed to "protect me from hurt" as she thought it would. But it might also increase her guilt and make her feel she is nothing but trouble to me and im better off without her.

 

I know 99% of the girls on this planet would only act this way if she was playing with my feelings or just stringing me along till she found something better.

However, knowing her and her issues/quirks a bit better, i am honestly convinced she really feels she is protecting me from harm this way. When she says she is staying away from other guys, and wants to work through this and try again if she feels confident it is for the best, i believe her.

 

That probably makes me naive as hell, but there you have it. I think it is worth trying. In the meantime i am trying to prepare myself for a bad result by starting to chat with other ladies and trying not to get any false hope.