pureinheart Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 Here's another angle. It sounds to me like you're in love with a "what-if". A romantic fantasy. Sure, you guys had lots of fun together in your past. You were even intimate, according to your OP. But never 'officially' a couple. It was all fun and wonderful and sunshine and lollipops and rainbows..... .........because it was never 'official'. He never had to feel responsible or accountable for you emotionally. And you only saw him on his best behavior, when he was in 'fun' mode. The normal stresses that a committed couple faces have never been present in your relationship with him.......(i.e. dividing household chores, dealing with in-laws, figuring out finances, all the annoying habits that come to light upon co-habitation, etc........) He claims "he's never known love like he knows with you".........That's because it's fantasy-based. It's never been subjected to the normal stresses that I just listed. And again, he doesn't have to be accountable, so sure, it's all wonderful and warm and fuzzy---for him.You're providing the Never-land for Peter Pan to escape to....................... Are you willing to continue putting your happiness on hold............... ..............for something that isn't grounded in reality? Wow....SWC....this says it...most of the other replies do too, although your situation sounds much like mine...I could never get exBF to give us a title, it was like the unsaid thing that we were BF and GF, but....it changed all ofd the time for whatever reason...a fight, disagreement. Actually it was whatever worked for his advantage. I think if you want him to make a decision, I mean a REAL decision, go NC. If it were me, I would tell him straight up that this back and forth has to change and if he wants you gone, you can make that happen. When or if you go NC be prepared to walk for life.... I am so sorry for your pain....I will say a bunch of prayers for you if that is ok....GBU....
Author Shouldacouldawoulda Posted December 26, 2009 Author Posted December 26, 2009 cheating is right,but telling the truth is wrong ....?(did i write sthg senseless) elle, sorry...that was not directed to you....you posted a reply while i was writing anyways in what sense you felt it was directed to you... Why exactly do you feel the need to keep returning to my particular post to passive aggressively bash me? I could give a rat's a$$ what you think about my morals. I obviously draw my line in the sand at a different spot than you do. I am not being dishonest with anyone (except maybe myself). My purposes in having this A have absolutely nothing to do with her, and I realize that I am affecting my own karma and future relationships by carrying on an affair. Last night, you tried every which way to catch me as a WS (unsuccessfully). Now you're bitch&ng because I don't want to hurt someone selfishly. Just what is your beef with me personally? I suppose MM has no obligation to tell her the truth. It's all on me, huh? Sorry, but my part in this A is between he & I. I don't know her, don't want to know her, and certainly don't want to call her up and crush her one day just so I can wriggle myself out of a mess I made (with help from MM). Thanks for answering all my questions Elle. Do they give these guys handbooks or what? Some of your comments matched almost word for word with the ones my MM made! Do you think this guy is the love of your life or do you think you will find someone who will make you forget all about him? It's just so hard for me to believe that I can have such intense feelings for anyone else or that the intensity of my feelings for him will ever diminish. Even with all the bs and drama, I still love him & tell myself if he were to divorce, things would be fairytale. Same words you used! Ugh!
Author Shouldacouldawoulda Posted December 26, 2009 Author Posted December 26, 2009 Pureinheart - Thank you so much. I agree with that post also. I've often wondered if I am more in love with a fantasy since we don't have the added stress of day to day life right now. Then that stupid little voice inside that's holding me back says we could easily handle life together. Isn't that pitiful? I appreciate the prayers. I really do. That means a lot. Walking away for life would take a lot of prayer on my part also...
pureinheart Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 well i think you deserve it in so many ways....you cheated on every guy you had a relationship with. what do you think is going to happen, when you played with people's emotions Wow...this did not need to be said...the OP did not ask to be judged, just to vent and ask for advice.... She said Drew would not be clear with her concerning the exact nature of the R. The same thing just happened to me...I finally got tired of it and asked him after he seemed to not want to let me go, the exact nature of our R....he said, "we are friends"....I said ok, then if I meet someone that is ok with you right? He said, "right"....so I did and he could not handle it. Drew has not been able to make up his mind, or he has and is playing games with her. The other posters tend to agree that he is playing games and that leads me to think the same.... Me being in a similar situation causes me not to be as objective....we want to believe that they do really love us...but the truth is is that it may not be....for me, FS said it...it's a fantacy.... Give the OP a break and thank God everyday that you do not have to go through something like this or worse.
pureinheart Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 Pureinheart - Thank you so much. I agree with that post also. I've often wondered if I am more in love with a fantasy since we don't have the added stress of day to day life right now. Then that stupid little voice inside that's holding me back says we could easily handle life together. Isn't that pitiful? I appreciate the prayers. I really do. That means a lot. Walking away for life would take a lot of prayer on my part also... I think they think of us as a fantasy also...I think he does love you....BUT we are not a fantasy or "dream girl", we are the real thing....we have been there for their hurt and pain...and ya the good times...in fact exBF(which was exMM) kept calling today and brought up all of the good times... He called like over 40 times between midnight last night and tonight and left 20 or so messages....I decided on NC about 3 weeks ago. I want the real thing even though all of this hurts so bad...I get no "ego" booster with him calling....we too conected and had a comoradary (my spelling sucks ok...) it was so unreal....I hate all of this... My heart truely goes out to you...
pureinheart Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 hello SCW, first thing, i didn't reply to you(your post,go check)....any how you answered it...then OP felt it was directed to her..you brought it on to yourself,now you are jumping on my a**, if it is personal vendetta ...bring it on Scorp....it certainly seemed that way on the first page....who else could you have responded to on that page besides SWC.... Chill dude....personal vendetta????
Author Shouldacouldawoulda Posted December 26, 2009 Author Posted December 26, 2009 hello SCW, first thing, i didn't reply to you(your post,go check)....any how you answered it...then OP felt it was directed to her..you brought it on to yourself,now you are jumping on my a**, if it is personal vendetta ...bring it on If you could write a coherent sentence, I could respond much more effectively. Last night I had what? 5 posts? You jump in with I "deserve it" - it being essentially misery and heartbreak - for being a cheating wife. I set you straight on that account. Then tonight, you revisit this thread which btw is quite clearly marked "vent" and asks for support, help & advice, to call me immoral because I do not want to call up BW and hurt her for my purely selfish reasons. Once again, I answered you. I don't know who pi$$ed in your Cheerios this morning, but I do know it was not me. I'm going to pass along a great little piece of advice that I got from FO - hit the ignore button. I don't do passive-aggressive. I also don't get into a battle of wits with the unarmed. If you have nothing constructive to add (and no, I don't need to hear sunshine and rainbows), then why don't you move along to another thread. There are hundreds of them to choose from.
Author Shouldacouldawoulda Posted December 26, 2009 Author Posted December 26, 2009 I think they think of us as a fantasy also...I think he does love you....BUT we are not a fantasy or "dream girl", we are the real thing....we have been there for their hurt and pain...and ya the good times...in fact exBF(which was exMM) kept calling today and brought up all of the good times... He called like over 40 times between midnight last night and tonight and left 20 or so messages....I decided on NC about 3 weeks ago. I want the real thing even though all of this hurts so bad...I get no "ego" booster with him calling....we too conected and had a comoradary (my spelling sucks ok...) it was so unreal....I hate all of this... My heart truely goes out to you... Oh my goodness...I would have broken down with that many calls and messages. Finding this board and hearing stories like yours and like Elle's and so many others has really been an eye-opener for me. I do think these MM love us, but like others have said, they just don't love us enough. I'm someone who loves to talk/write, so just getting this out there helps me immensely...stops it from all just rolling around in my thoughts. I even have a letter written to his W stored on my computer just so I could get it out of my head (No intention of ever sending it!). I really think my NC is coming someday soon. I am slowly gathering up the strength, and a lot of it is coming from reading this forum, writing and getting it out, and hearing from people like you and how you've made it through. I wish you well also. It's got to be terribly hard.
Author Shouldacouldawoulda Posted December 26, 2009 Author Posted December 26, 2009 whts f****** wrong with you guys, every body seems to have something against me, PIH, i have not answered to your post...you just posted while i was editing my reply to the earlier post of SWC... either read and reply or do not reply, read from the second page... Who are you talking to and what are you talking about? Your posts are like static. I am seriously confused...
Author Shouldacouldawoulda Posted December 26, 2009 Author Posted December 26, 2009 If it is for me, what exactly am I supposed to read & reply to? I have read every word of this thread, and I have responded to you each time you have posted. Sentence structure, specificity, and coherence would keep us from having to question you repeatedly. I have no problems with typos, and I am not the "Grammar Police", but your posts are so hard to follow! They remind me of Charlie Brown's teacher!
moaningmyrtle Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 **** All of the others came from the play book almost exact quotes... I am sorry to say It's unbelievable. I'm a BW and my H used almost exactly the same lines on me after d-day (after the OW got "thrown under the bus"). You are right there must be a script, and these guys don't even care which woman they use it on.
pureinheart Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 ok.... you have just described my relationship with my MM at 3 years into the relationship... I am now at 9 years and I have waited so long for him to make good on promises that he made that it has pushed me so far away from him that I do not ever think we will be able to get back there. Not even with a divorce and marriage to me... I dont think I want it anymore. He has made me resent him, our love, our relationship, and friendship. I feel like I have wasted 9 years of my life... I felt as though I was allowing him to be there for all the many reasons he said he couldnt leave for (finances, children, sick parents, sick kids etc.). you can not compete with the love for his child...which is what he has put you up against (mine did too). He is not choosing to stay with his child, he is choosing to stay with her. Parents can play a very active role in the lives of their children without being married to the mother of the child if they so choose. He has made the choice not to choose you(like mine did). Please I beg you... dont make my mistakes... leave. I know its comfortable, easy, special, romantic, soul mates, best friends till the end... all LTA are.... or they would be short term.... This forum has helped me realize that in a way that nothing else could have. There are real people behind these posts... real years wasted... DO not waste a fourth year on him... I have spent 9 years of holidays and anniversarys and special occassions alone. I have had family members die and I could not call him until in the morning when he was free... that is not a life to live... That is not a best friend... a best friend will take your call at 3 am and get out of the bed with the best thing that ever happened to him/her to come bail you out of jail. He is not your best friend. And please believe me I know this is hard to hear and harder to accept but please know it is the truth... I am trying to save you the 6 additional years I wasted.. RUN DONT WALK as fast in the other direction as you can. Now with all that being said, that does not mean he does not love you. I always say it just means he doesnt love you enough.... I have given ultimatums (sp?) i have broken up with him I have given 30 days 60 days and 90 days.. 1 more year... a clean break is the best way out. I have discovered this over the last several weeks of unhappiness I vow to not spend another holiday alone unless I am truly single. I will not be a convenience for him. I will not be where he runs when the going gets tough at home, at work, or anywhere else unless I am his wife. Its just unfortunate for him that he pushed me so long and so far I am not sure he could get me as his wife if he left her today. I hope you dont have to look back one day (today is my one day) and say DAMN I wished I would have listened to Elle then and I wouldnt have wasted up to 6 extra years of my life on someone who didnt deserve it... you are better than this. you (and I) deserve their best because we have both obviously given ours..... Wow...there was another lady on here that waited 7 yrs....she went NC and a year later met a really nice guy, got married, the whole enchillada.... I was 5 yrs with butthead, 3 of it he was going through a D...how fun, he was so charming during this (not). Elle, even with the D I can tell you it wouldn't matter....I am numb to his lies, procrastination, all of it....I can totally relate to the fact that he has pushed you away....BH has pushed me away too. SCW....run for the hills, I bet you are attractive, intelligent (that is obvious), and have all of the things that a good man is looking for....you have a very precious spirit and this guy might not deserve you... This forum was a great help to me, as I went through a very bad time with BH (exMM at the time) and his distorted bunch....but ya know, it's interesting, if we really give it to God, he does take care of stuff even when we are wrong....please keep posting and disregard any bad replies because we are here for you and vice versa....
pureinheart Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 Scorp...you crack me up actually....man, you are on some good stuff and you are not sharing
Author Shouldacouldawoulda Posted December 26, 2009 Author Posted December 26, 2009 Thank you PIH. I too believe in giving it God, but I am a fallible human, and I forget sometimes to just stop, sit, quiet my mind, and listen to Him. He will only gives us what we need, and I often think that He has given me this A so that I can learn, grow, and become a better person. I hope that one day soon, I can come to the place where you are - you seem to be so at peace with your decisions, and even though I'm sure you are heartbroken, you are handling your heartbreak with dignity and compassion. I think I'm at such an angry point right now. I'm having a hard time not being super sensitive and super defensive. I am so glad to have found this forum because it gives me a place to be candid about the A. Most of the friends I've tried to talk to about it either shut down automatically because he is a MM or are having issues of their own, and I only have one friend who has had an EA, so I don't feel like anyone truly understands all of the intricacies of an A. I really don't mind hearing negative or hard to hear things, I just don't want to be bashed. I bash myself enough, you know? I hope you continue to find strength in Him to keep up with NC and heal.
elle01 Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 Wow...there was another lady on here that waited 7 yrs....she went NC and a year later met a really nice guy, got married, the whole enchillada.... I was 5 yrs with butthead, 3 of it he was going through a D...how fun, he was so charming during this (not). Elle, even with the D I can tell you it wouldn't matter....I am numb to his lies, procrastination, all of it....I can totally relate to the fact that he has pushed you away....BH has pushed me away too. SCW....run for the hills, I bet you are attractive, intelligent (that is obvious), and have all of the things that a good man is looking for....you have a very precious spirit and this guy might not deserve you... This forum was a great help to me, as I went through a very bad time with BH (exMM at the time) and his distorted bunch....but ya know, it's interesting, if we really give it to God, he does take care of stuff even when we are wrong....please keep posting and disregard any bad replies because we are here for you and vice versa.... PIH I have tried to tell him in so many ways that I have had enough of this and he is constantly saying we are here at the pinnacle and he is putting everything on the line for me and that we are about to be together and the "circumstances" that our relationship have endured will be over... He sees that I have pulled very far away and am removed from the relationship..Thus I am now being told how unsupportive I am being in his time of need (like my 9 yrs of waiting werent enough support)... It is still all about him and I asked him today (when he called to tell me that I must be involved with someone else since I now dont want the real relationship with him) did you tell her you want a divorce and got the same response as always...no but I am working to end things so I can be there and build a life with you... He can not understand that he has pushed me away and caused me to be bitter towards him... He should be willing to lay it all on the line and tell her he wants a divorce (and go through with it) as he tries to win me back.... but my gut tells me he wont... he will just stay with her and figure that I am seeing someone else...I think it makes it an easier decision for him or something...it is so confusing and as much as I want to give in to him and make this work, my guard and defenses are so high I am not sure that is possible anymore. It is so sad...
torranceshipman Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 I think you are doin the right thing by pulling away-good for you. I really think though, that he will really punish you for doing so, in a very mean way, by accusing you if things, saying bad stuff, etc. Could you think about IM or NC eventually to guard and protect yourself from this? It sounds like you need a strategy because I really do think he'll get very mean to make you stay in your place, exactly where he wants you. He's such a bully! Look after yourself...could you talk this over with someone close and work out a way forward? I've dated a real bully a long time ago and this sounds a bit familiar. He doesn't want to control you out of love-he wants to control you because he is weak and has a very fragile ego and needs to put you in you place to build it up.
Recommended Posts