Intro. & vent

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

I am so glad to have found this site so that I can actually get some unbiased advice on the situation I have put myself in. TIA to anyone who makes it through this. I'm sure it's going to end up being rather long.

 

I am head over heels, unconditionally in love with a married man. And it's Christmas, and he's at home with his family. Holidays seem to be the hardest, and we're going on three years of this...

 

So, just a background...let's call him Drew just for the purposes of this post. Drew & I met almost 11 years ago when we started working together at the same company. Both of us were single, and we quickly became best friends. Soon (after about 6 months of long conversations, dinners, drinks, football games, being BEST friends...) we started being intimate, and our friendship evolved into a relationship - the best, most intimate, intense relationship I had ever and have ever known. It's not an exaggeration when I say Drew finished my sentences. He was thoughtful, and when I came to work, I would have breakfast waiting on my desk with a "Have a nice day!" note and other little gifts & cards. We traveled together, and he taught me how to drive a stick shift. We were both in our early twenties, and spending time together was so uncomplicated, easy, and familiar. I honestly thought that we would marry and spend the rest of our lives together. He made comments about the song we would dance to at our wedding, told me what an awesome mother I would be. Physically, we had a relationship that I can only describe as spiritual - we were so connected, so intimate. I can't even put it into the right words. But....when we met I had been in an

on again/off again relationship for 3 years, and while I was single, I did still see this other person for a few months, and the other person did still call me. Drew had also recently called off an engagement. His fiancee would call and yell at both he & I. I should've stopped the phone calls from the other guy because I now know that Drew felt like I wasn't choosing him. But Drew also wouldn't really pin down a "title" for our relationship. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have been so desperate for a definition to us.

 

One night, Drew & I went to my cousin's wedding rehearsal dinner. We had a blast, and we left the night saying that we would see each other the next day for the wedding. The next day, about an hour before we were supposed to meet, Drew called & told me he was going back to his ex-fiancee, never to call again. I could hear her in the background telling him what to say. I was blindsided and devastated. I couldn't even attend the wedding. Even now, all these years later, typing this is bringing tears to my eyes. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't breathe. Literally. I never got over Drew. But I also respected him enough not to call. So I didn't. But there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about him. I had lost not only my soul mate but my best friend. I truly was brokenhearted.

 

Fast forward a year or so, and I reconnected with a guy I went to high school with. We started dating & he was so wonderful in the beginning, he actually made me think that love was possible again. And I did love him, but I never forgot about Drew. We had two kids together, but he went down a very dark path. Shortly after giving birth to our second child, I knew our marriage was over. I was thinking a lot about Drew & really, truly just wondering how he was, if his marriage had worked out, if he had kids, where he was working...so I looked him up & sent a harmless email.

 

He was divorced. I was headed toward divorce. It literally took two emails for him to tell me he had always loved me, always thought about me, and that he had started a fling with his ex-fiancee because he felt threatened that the other guy was calling me. I had waited 7 years to hear that he loved me & that he was divorced!! The next email wasn't what I wanted to hear though...he was getting married to a girl he had been dating casually who was pregnant. He didn't love her, but he wanted to be there for his child. I was crushed. Still when he asked me to meet him for dinner, I went as fast as I could.

 

Now it's been three years. He married the girl. I got a divorce. We reconnected & our bond is stronger now than it was before. He tells me things now that he didn't before, and he tells me he knows I am the love of his life. I trust him, but I have that voice in the back of my head saying "He's married! He could just be telling you this!", but I know in my heart it is exactly how he feels. I know because of what we had a decade ago, and I really trust him. So we talk everyday, and we meet, and we spend the night together as much as we can. We have the most crazy, intimate, spiritual, soul bond. He says he is getting a divorce (Don't they all!) once his wife gets back on her feet financially. (She was just laid off.) He says his ultimate goal is to be with me, forever. He says he has never known love like he knows with me. People laugh at us when we tell them what we have. And of course, the few people I've confided in tell me to run until he is actually divorced. I can't. I cannot give him up or lose him again. But there's a small part of me that feels like I'm robbing myself of a real relationship, especially when I think about my kids. They deserve someone in their lives. I deserve someone I can spend Christmas with. I just love him so, so much.

 

No his wife doesn't know. They seem really separate & uninvolved with one another. She never calls when he's with me.

 

Can anyone else relate? Any words of wisdom? I'm miserable being in this situation, but I would be miserable without him in my life again.

 

If you made it through this, you deserve a medal. TIA.

[fooled once]

I agree with your friends.

 

If it is meant to be, it will be .... when he is divorced.

 

He is married to someone else. You don't have to marry someone just because they are having your child. IF, IMHO, he truly loved you, he wouldn't have gotten married a 2nd time.

 

IF, he truly loves you, he will respect you and come to you as a divorced man.

 

But he knows you will accept the crumbs he can give you, so he has no reason to get divorced.

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

I know you are right. I am a smart woman (as we all are) and shouldn't even be in this position - one I swore I would never be in! I am going to read the posts here & try & gather some strength. It's so hard! Thanks for the reply.

[torranceshipman]

He sure has some sweet words but:

 

1. When you were 1st involved, he never cut ties with the ex-fiancee (nor did you with your guy), and was is no rush to define your relationship. Then left you on the eve of your cousins wedding saying he had got back with the ex fiancee and not to contact him again (HE CHOSE ANOTHER GIRL OVER YOU).

2. You guys reconnected, you were both divorced, a true miracle had seemed to happen but STILL despite this amazing romantic opportunity...he still went ahead and got married to a woman he supposedly didn't love for the baby (HE CHOSE ANOTHER GIRL OVER YOU).

3. You guys are now in an affair and he won't leave his wife for you (HE IS CHOOSING ANOTHER GIRL OVER YOU).

 

I am really sorry, but this guy is no good. He can charm you off your feet, but a guy who truly loves you does not repeatedly choose other women over you, does not leave you heartbroken at the prospect of your having to spend 3 christmas's alone, does not treat you like this. He married his W because he loves her, but of course he is not going to tell you this, as he wants to be involved with you, too. Seriously, life is WAY too short and too precious to waste your time on a charmer like this who can't give you the real undivided love that you deserve. I really, really hope you move on from this guy as you've already spent 3 yrs being shortchanged.

Edited December 24, 2009 by torranceshipman
typo

[theBrokenMuse]

I'm sorry but I have to agree with the poster above. He's been choosing other women over you, repeatedly. This is not the 1950's... people don't NEED to marry because they accidentally get pregnant. He could have been a father without getting hitched. Besides, if this is the excuse he used to justify getting married how does he justify the supposed divorce? I have to marry her to be a father to my child but that family dynamic doesn't apply after the child is born?! Be careful. He sounds like a snake oil peddler.

[Montclair0011]

Wow, I feel bad for you, as you have suffered above and beyond. BUT, the bottom line here is this: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

 

Unfortunately it is true. Look at what this guy does every time. He runs away from the chance for true intimacy and chooses an easier alliance. He's got a serious history of serously bad choices, when the choice should have been easy peasy.

 

You cannot count on him for anything, sorry. I know what it's like. I've been there. The best you can do is make your intentions clear and go NC. And your intentions are crystal clear: you want a primary relationship with him, not including a third party. You don't have that now and it's killing you, while it's quite tolarable for him. Not fair. Let him go and see if he comes back to you, although figure he's gone and get on with your life.

 

If he acts desparate to have you back but still does not leave, ask him to see a therapist (and get one for yourself while you are at it). If he sees a therapist, there is some chance he will deal with his issues and make some changes. But don't hold your breath.

[freestyle]

Here's another angle.

 

It sounds to me like you're in love with a "what-if". A romantic fantasy.

 

Sure, you guys had lots of fun together in your past. You were even intimate, according to your OP. But never 'officially' a couple.

 

It was all fun and wonderful and sunshine and lollipops and rainbows.....

.........because it was never 'official'.

 

He never had to feel responsible or accountable for you emotionally.

And you only saw him on his best behavior, when he was in 'fun' mode.

 

The normal stresses that a committed couple faces have never been present in your relationship with him.......(i.e. dividing household chores,

dealing with in-laws, figuring out finances, all the annoying habits that come to light upon co-habitation, etc........)

 

He claims "he's never known love like he knows with you".........That's because it's fantasy-based. It's never been subjected to the normal stresses that I just listed. And again, he doesn't have to be accountable,

so sure, it's all wonderful and warm and fuzzy---for him.You're providing the Never-land for Peter Pan to escape to.......................

 

Are you willing to continue putting your happiness on hold...............

..............for something that isn't grounded in reality?

[whichwayisup]

and he's at home with his family. Holidays seem to be the hardest, and we're going on three years of this...

 

And he'll be with his family NEXT Christmas too.

 

Even though he may love you, alot - IT IS NOT ENOUGH to make him give up what he has at home..His wife, kids and family life. He likes having you on the side, reguardless of his empty promises of you two being together "one day..." That 'one day' is a line to keep you hooked and to give you hope.

 

It's time to KILL that hope.

 

He likes having two women to meet all his needs.. He gets the best of both worlds, all the meanwhile you sit and wait for him.. On his time frame.. You can't call him in the middle of the night if you feel sick and need company. He won't call you if he ends up in the hospital for whatever reason..And, you won't be able to SEE him there either, his wife and children will be there.

 

Think about what it is that you are doing.. 2+ years of an A that is just going to continue to be an A. Is sharing another man worth all this pain and heartache? Sure, you love him, but just because you love him, doesn't mean you HAVE to have him.

[jwi71]

I am head over heels, unconditionally in love with a married man.

 

Then there is nothing anyone can say or do to help you. To be unconditionally in love with another is a bad place to be - ESPECIALLY when he is married (and not to you).

Drew called & told me he was going back to his ex-fiancee, never to call again. I could hear her in the background telling him what to say.

This is typical BW behavior...NOT ex-fiancee behavior. Sorry but this is proof he was lying to you. An "ex-anything" doesn't dictate a NC phone call or who or how or when her "ex-anything" does or sees or dates. You were the OW albeit an unknowing one.

 

This btw is red flag number one. I doubt you will see it that way though.

 

I had lost not only my soul mate but my best friend.

This man is NOT your friend. His ACTIONS prove that. But dismiss and excuse them away.

I truly was brokenhearted.

That sentence, if you honestly look back over your multiple A's with Drew, is probably often spoken by you. Odd how painful this love is.

so I looked him up & sent a harmless email.

Now you are lying to yourself. There is no such thing as a harmless email to the man you never got over.

 

It literally took two emails for him to tell me he had always loved me, always thought about me, and that he had started a fling with his ex-fiancee because he felt threatened that the other guy was calling me.

Wow...two emails huh. And oh, btw, he KNEW he had a gf at this time and she was pregnant when he professed his love for you.

 

Red flag number two. And the beginning of your 2nd A.

 

The next email wasn't what I wanted to hear though...he was getting married to a girl he had been dating casually who was pregnant. He didn't love her, but he wanted to be there for his child. I was crushed. Still when he asked me to meet him for dinner, I went as fast as I could.

Hello justification. Now, he is painting himself as the noble do-good stand up man who stays out of a duty to his child. A duty so great he will sacrifice his happiness for his child.

 

What a load of bullshyte. He is nothing more than you're run of the mill douche bag cheater. No, that's not true. He sounds like a serial cheater to me.

 

He married her because he wanted to. Period.

 

And, if this M is "for the kids" and loveless between them...why can't you knock on his front door? Why must you be hidden? See where I'm going with this...

 

Now it's been three years. He married the girl. I got a divorce. We reconnected & our bond is stronger now than it was before. He tells me things now that he didn't before, and he tells me he knows I am the love of his life.

Hey, I've got some ocean front property in Arizona I'd like to sell you. Cheap. Sheesh...STOP believing his WORDS. He lies to you, he lies to his "ex-faincee (first wife)"...lies to his current wife...I think he has an allergy to honesty and integrity.

 

His ACTIONS are far better measures. He got married to first wife and dropped you like a hot potato when he got CAUGHT. That's called being thrown under the bus. Then, he impregnates and marries his gf.

 

Have you perhaps missed the fact he made NO EFFORT TO FIND YOU AFTER HIS DIVORCE? YOU found him and now he loves you after a few emails?

 

I trust him

Why? After all his lies and cheating you trust him? Well...good luck with that soon to be cheated on wife number 3. Or whatever number he is up to by now.

 

but I know in my heart it is exactly how he feels.

How do you know this again?

Is it because he had to get married to his wife because she was pregnant?

And what happened to the child he was staying for? How did that change?

That's 3 excuses by my count. Have you heard the "it would crush her" one yet?

Or is it because his new excuse is "he has to help her financially"?

See...this too is bullshyte. Because a divorce is a contract. And they can say pretty much whatever you want. They can say things like "Drew will pay <the ex wife> $xxxx.xx per month for 12 months". See...he can support her and get divorced. Somehow, he CAN'T offer that. What he CAN do is stay and keep you on the side... Now, about the property in Arizona I mentioned....

 

I know because of what we had a decade ago, and I really trust him

Oh...that's how.

Basically...you want to trust him. And that's how you are here.

 

. People laugh at us when we tell them what we have. And of course, the few people I've confided in tell me to run until he is actually divorced.

I'm confused...if few people know are they the ones laughing at you?

I can't. I cannot give him up or lose him again

And so you won't. And you'll be here ANOTHER three years...

 

No his wife doesn't know. They seem really separate & uninvolved with one another. She never calls when he's with me.

Duh...its an A. She has no clue you exist and he lies and gaslights her into oblivion. And, like you, my money is on she loves and trust him just like you do.

 

Nothing in this story or this love or this "connection" is any different from the 100's of other A's here or elsewhere.

 

This is nothing but heartbreak for you. And until you think with your head instead of feeling with your heart the sooner it looks absurd to you. No, you aren't dumb or anything...you are just SO wrapped up in him you can't see it objectively.

 

Remember your friends. Remember their reactions.

 

Good luck...

[whichwayisup]

I can't. I cannot give him up or lose him again

 

He was never "yours" to begin with.

 

I hope JW's post rings a bell in you..Really read what's being said, in that post and other replies.

 

The choice is yours.

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

Obviously all that everyone has said I have thought myself. There is nothing but heartbreak, and I've thought about being in love with a fantasy. I really do, in my head, know what's going on. I really do, in my heart, love this person. I have gone NC several times, and I always break it. There are more details that I haven't put here, especially involving why he wanted to marry for his child, and it makes a little more sense if you know all the little details, but I do get it. It's still an A & he's had several chances to make it an R. It doesn't help either that just purely physically, no one else can compare. Sex with anyone else is basic & boring. That definitely keeps me coming back.

 

Also, I have never cheated in a relationship (to the poster who said I had cheated in all my relationships). Maybe you meant HE had cheated in all of his relationships. The first time around, I was seeing both guys & both knew - open relationships. The second time around, my husband and I were separated & I had already filed for divorce. The divorce just dragged out. My soon to be ex-husband knew I was seeing someone else, and he was seeing someone else as well.

 

I appreciate all of the responses as hard as they are to read. I have a lot to think about...

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

Yes, and if you read it, I said I was HEADED TOWARD DIVORCE meaning I was separated & I had filed. Our divorce was not final yet, and it was a lengthy divorce. I don't understand what's hard for you about that? My ex-husband wasn't even living in my house at the time of the email (HEADED TOWARD DIVORCE), and he was already seeing someone else. We separated about 7 months into my pregnancy but I didn't file until after my son was born. Our marriage was over - he knew it, I knew it. I was married for almost 7 years, and I did not step out on my marriage once. The email was sent after we were separated, living in different places, and after I had seen a lawyer and drawn up divorce papers of which my exhusband had but had not yet signed. I guess technically the divorce wasn't final yet, but it was OVER. My exhusband became a drug addict during the course of our marriage, and no amount of MC could have repaired what was gone. Had he not gone down the path he chose, I would have stayed happily married to him for a lifetime. I had already resigned myself to a life without Drew before I met my exH, and I truly, truly loved my exH until he became a monster and a shell of the man I married. I did not cheat on him. It is really hard to put a decade worth of timeline on a short internet post & maybe it comes out distorted. The only way I can figure you saying I cheated was because I was technically, legally still married. But in my eyes, a separation with divorce papers in hand means I am no longer in a relationship with my H, and I am just waiting on the legal system to take its course. Also, like I said before, my exH was seeing someone and he knew I was seeing this person. I really don't know why I'm exerting all of this energy explaining something to someone who is quite obviously looking to bash me and brand me with a scarlet A (which I deserve for being the OW but NOT for being a WS). My exH is a deadbeat who pays no child support for my two kids, refuses to work, draws what government support he can lie and get his hands on, and has a no contact order involving both myself & my children. That wasn't who he was when I married him, but drugs will do dark things to people. When I posted my question, it was to get support and thoughts in trying to move to NC in my warped relationship not to dredge up the messy, awful thing that was the last few years of my farce of a marriage.

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

And yes, this is a VERY touchy subject for me because YOU have NO IDEA the lengths I went to to help my exH and save my marriage. No idea. I put everything I had into my marriage until I finally learned that you cannot help someone who won't help themselves.

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

Sorry, didn't mean to bite your head off, just the whole xH thing is a major sore spot for me. I seem to chose men who ultimately let me down which is ok for me but when it involves my children and being an a$$ to them, I draw the line.

 

Yep, I knew exactly what I was getting into. In the beginning, I think I thought I would be strong enough to stave off any advances from soon to be MM. But, of course, I wasn't. Now, I'm stuck. I know all the "Once a cheater, always a cheater", "He will never choose you", etc. stories about As, I'm just trying to reconcile it in my HEAD, and hopefully reading stories here and listening to the advice of others who have BTDT will help me finally gather the strength I need.

[fooled once]

So what is it you want?

 

Advice on going NC?

 

Strength to stay NC?

 

Or are you just going to continue the A?

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

Hmmm, excellent question FO. I think yesterday I was having a particularly emotional day, and I wanted to vent. At this point, I am about 50/50 on staying in the A and trying to go NC. I think I was hoping to hear other opinions and see other outcomes regarding similar situations. MM is coming to spend the night on Sunday - He did last Sunday as well - so I have not had the strength to go NC as of yet. You know, my heart says one thing and my head says something totally different. I guess I hoped by getting it out, it would help me sort out what I should do much easier.

 

I would welcome any and all advice on all outcomes. I'd like to weigh others' experiences and opinions. I can honestly say at this point I don't know which way to go...

[elle01]

ok.... you have just described my relationship with my MM at 3 years into the relationship... I am now at 9 years and I have waited so long for him to make good on promises that he made that it has pushed me so far away from him that I do not ever think we will be able to get back there. Not even with a divorce and marriage to me... I dont think I want it anymore. He has made me resent him, our love, our relationship, and friendship. I feel like I have wasted 9 years of my life... I felt as though I was allowing him to be there for all the many reasons he said he couldnt leave for (finances, children, sick parents, sick kids etc.).

you can not compete with the love for his child...which is what he has put you up against (mine did too). He is not choosing to stay with his child, he is choosing to stay with her.

Parents can play a very active role in the lives of their children without being married to the mother of the child if they so choose.

He has made the choice not to choose you(like mine did). Please I beg you... dont make my mistakes... leave.

I know its comfortable, easy, special, romantic, soul mates, best friends till the end... all LTA are.... or they would be short term....

This forum has helped me realize that in a way that nothing else could have. There are real people behind these posts... real years wasted... DO not waste a fourth year on him... I have spent 9 years of holidays and anniversarys and special occassions alone. I have had family members die and I could not call him until in the morning when he was free... that is not a life to live... That is not a best friend... a best friend will take your call at 3 am and get out of the bed with the best thing that ever happened to him/her to come bail you out of jail. He is not your best friend.

And please believe me I know this is hard to hear and harder to accept but please know it is the truth... I am trying to save you the 6 additional years I wasted..

RUN DONT WALK as fast in the other direction as you can.

 

Now with all that being said, that does not mean he does not love you. I always say it just means he doesnt love you enough....

I have given ultimatums (sp?) i have broken up with him I have given 30 days 60 days and 90 days.. 1 more year...

a clean break is the best way out. I have discovered this over the last several weeks of unhappiness

I vow to not spend another holiday alone unless I am truly single. I will not be a convenience for him. I will not be where he runs when the going gets tough at home, at work, or anywhere else unless I am his wife. Its just unfortunate for him that he pushed me so long and so far I am not sure he could get me as his wife if he left her today.

I hope you dont have to look back one day (today is my one day) and say DAMN I wished I would have listened to Elle then and I wouldnt have wasted up to 6 extra years of my life on someone who didnt deserve it...

you are better than this. you (and I) deserve their best because we have both obviously given ours.....

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

Thank you for that Elle. I knew I identified with you on your other post, and now I can see just how similar we are. I guess you always think that your relationship or affair is the "special" one and will turn out positive when in reality, the same stuff is happening to OW all over the world. It really, physically pains me to think of going no contact, but you are exactly right about him not truly being my best friend. I too have to wait till morning to call. I couldn't pick up the phone right now and chat with him. He wouldn't rush to my side in the event of an emergency or accident. And you are also exactly right about him choosing HER not his child. I make so many excuses for him. Hell, he doesn't even have to think of ones to give me because I'll supply them for him. I realize what a sucker I am for him, and it doesn't feel good. I cannot even begin to imagine 9 years! But at the same time, I've never put a time limit on him or his M, so it's quite possible that if I don't make a change, I could be right where you are 6 years from now. Funny thing is, like I said in your other post, I get asked out all the time. I have 3 options for New Years alone. I know I am attractive, smart, funny, affectionate, caring - basically a good catch! - but I can't even begin to think about going out with anyone else! I think it's mostly because of chemistry and not having it with someone new, but when I look back at those early days of our relationship, we had a spark but I had no idea he and I would be so intimately connected. So I know it's possible to have something meaningful with an available man because I have felt that spark with other men, just have not allowed myself to explore it.

 

I know I will see him Sunday. I know we will be physical. I know when he leaves Monday morning, I will be right back in this place while he's driving home to his family. He strings me along with promises of us being together, saying he doesn't love her, blah blah blah, and like you, I'm just really over the chaos of it all. I want someone to hang out with, watch TV, call at night!, share my life with...in a way that I can't with him. I honestly cannot cry over him anymore. Sadly, I want my children to have a real male in their lives (since their father cannot contact them), and in this situation, I am robbing them of something they too deserve.

 

I have gotten over him before, although he was always in my heart. And I did have a meaningful marriage in the beginning until my xH turned to drugs after an injury. I know it is possible. Just how in the world do you find the strength?

 

Kind of off topic, but how did your MM's BW find out about your A? I have been tempted so many times to tell his W, not because I feel any allegiance to her, but because I know it will in effect end the affair for me and give me no other option but to move on. I say it would totally end it because if he were ready to divorce, he would have already. I don't think he would choose me if I went to his W. I think he would be so angry and "betrayed" by me that he wouldn't want to continue our A (This is just his personality.) But that's a totally selfish reason, and I cannot bring myself to be so cruel and break up a happy family (even if it is a facade) or hurt his W just to make myself feel better (even if the thought has crossed my mind, shamefully).

[mybrowneyedgirl]

dont tell her. its just wrong.

 

in my case my H busted us and then told her. then my xmm threw me under the bus.

[elle01]

Thank you for that Elle. I knew I identified with you on your other post, and now I can see just how similar we are. I guess you always think that your relationship or affair is the "special" one and will turn out positive when in reality, the same stuff is happening to OW all over the world. It really, physically pains me to think of going no contact, but you are exactly right about him not truly being my best friend. I too have to wait till morning to call. I couldn't pick up the phone right now and chat with him. He wouldn't rush to my side in the event of an emergency or accident. And you are also exactly right about him choosing HER not his child. I make so many excuses for him. Hell, he doesn't even have to think of ones to give me because I'll supply them for him. I realize what a sucker I am for him, and it doesn't feel good. I cannot even begin to imagine 9 years! But at the same time, I've never put a time limit on him or his M, so it's quite possible that if I don't make a change, I could be right where you are 6 years from now. Funny thing is, like I said in your other post, I get asked out all the time. I have 3 options for New Years alone. I know I am attractive, smart, funny, affectionate, caring - basically a good catch! - but I can't even begin to think about going out with anyone else! I think it's mostly because of chemistry and not having it with someone new, but when I look back at those early days of our relationship, we had a spark but I had no idea he and I would be so intimately connected. So I know it's possible to have something meaningful with an available man because I have felt that spark with other men, just have not allowed myself to explore it.

 

I know I will see him Sunday. I know we will be physical. I know when he leaves Monday morning, I will be right back in this place while he's driving home to his family. He strings me along with promises of us being together, saying he doesn't love her, blah blah blah, and like you, I'm just really over the chaos of it all. I want someone to hang out with, watch TV, call at night!, share my life with...in a way that I can't with him. I honestly cannot cry over him anymore. Sadly, I want my children to have a real male in their lives (since their father cannot contact them), and in this situation, I am robbing them of something they too deserve.

 

I have gotten over him before, although he was always in my heart. And I did have a meaningful marriage in the beginning until my xH turned to drugs after an injury. I know it is possible. Just how in the world do you find the strength?

 

Kind of off topic, but how did your MM's BW find out about your A? I have been tempted so many times to tell his W, not because I feel any allegiance to her, but because I know it will in effect end the affair for me and give me no other option but to move on. I say it would totally end it because if he were ready to divorce, he would have already. I don't think he would choose me if I went to his W. I think he would be so angry and "betrayed" by me that he wouldn't want to continue our A (This is just his personality.) But that's a totally selfish reason, and I cannot bring myself to be so cruel and break up a happy family (even if it is a facade) or hurt his W just to make myself feel better (even if the thought has crossed my mind, shamefully).

 

Unfortunately we live in a small place and someone called her when I was pregnant and told her I was pregnant by her H. So she obviously started going through his phone until he didnt delete my number one night and she called while he was in the shower the next morning from his phone. I answered and knew instantly it was not him on the other end (we had been together 7 years by then and I swear I could tell the difference in the breathing on the phone after I said hello). She said who is this and I chose to hang up instead of hurt her with the truth... but she had my number and called it constantly ( he begged me to change my number in another ploy to keep his a** out of a crack but I would not cave). She kept calling and leaving messages about MY bastard child and how he did not want the child etc etc... so she finally got me to a point where I had had all I was going to take and she called and I answered. She said she wanted to know the truth and I too thought by telling her that he would either leave her or me alone... no such luck.. I told her everything from the weekend trips to the week long trips.. to spending the night in their house while she was away... the list is long... we talked for 2 hours.... she confronted him that afternoon (I was 8 and a half months pregnant) and from her own admission begged him not to leave her and he didnt... I called him when I was in labor with his son 3 weeks later and the A picked up like nothing happened. She was slightly more suspicious at first but nothing he couldnt handle... lol

Moving on to your comment... do not tell her... it is not her fault and she knows if there is something amiss in her marriage... let it be her marriage... had my MMW not called me I never would have told her a thing... i always thought it would make me look bitter over him not choosing me...

Tell him that you want to move on that you want a normal life.. Hell I would enjoy someone being here to help get groceries out of the car from time to time or put something on the grill so I had on less thing to do when I get home from work... someone to run to the store when OUR child is sick... NORMAL LIFE... the life she has with him... and if you work at that normal life it can still be romantic and fun and intimate and close but it takes more work than the A because you arent dealing with the normalcy of life in an A....

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

Oh I definitely would never tell her. I can't bring myself to be that cruel just to serve my own selfish purposes.

 

I cannot believe the things you have gone through with your MM, but I guess 9 years with someone brings a lot with it. It scares me to think that I will be where you are in 9 years (I hope you get what I mean & do not take offense by that statement.) because I too want the normal life. You are now forever linked with your MM through your child, and that is awesome that he has stepped up to be a good father.

 

I have a few more questions if you don't mind....your situation has really intrigued me, and you have been honest and firm but kind in your posts. I appreciate that.

 

So, was he there for the birth of your son? How did his W handle that? Does your son go to their house for visitation? Is his W involved in your son's life at all? Does he help you financially? I'm so sorry if these are too personal, and really, feel free to tell me it's none of my business! I'm just really curious how it works for you having a child with him and such a combative BW in the mix. Calling any innocent child a "bastard" lowers one's karma points in my book. You said something about him now staying with you some in your home, but also that he goes back in forth? Is that right?

 

How did your A start? Did you know he was married? You said our situations sounded similar, so did you have a prior relationship before he was married & then reconnect?

 

Does he tell you the same things mine does? These are direct quotes from my MM:

* When wishing him Merry Christmas, I said "I hope Santa brings you everything you want!" His reply: "He will bring me everything but you..."

* I gave him a Christmas gift that he will use everyday (and she will come in contact often with as well), and when I asked if she would notice, his response was: "She won't even notice. We don't pay attention to each other."

* Because lately I've been talking more about changing our situation: "I will talk about anything with you, but sometimes talking about you and I makes me frustrated because I can't change it fast enough....I'm doing the best I can."

* "You are amazing and you are enough for me" (Hmmm really...then why is there another woman in your bed tonight...)

* "Sex with anyone else could never equal sex with you. "

* "I will always love you."

* "I want to never argue. I want to love you."

* "Please be with me!"

Etc., Etc., Etc. Please tell me you heard these same things too or versions of them. Are they just standard lines? You are right. I KNOW he loves me. I do think I might be the love of his life. BUT you are also right in saying that love obviously isn't enough for him. He honestly told me once - and this was almost a decade ago, WAY before our affair - that he didn't know if he could ever just choose to be happy. That statement still haunts me to this day...

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

I think we all mean telling a truth to someone you KNOW will cause them great pain and upheaval in their life to serve an ultimately selfish purpose is wrong.

[elle01]

Oh I definitely would never tell her. I can't bring myself to be that cruel just to serve my own selfish purposes.

 

I cannot believe the things you have gone through with your MM, but I guess 9 years with someone brings a lot with it. It scares me to think that I will be where you are in 9 years (I hope you get what I mean & do not take offense by that statement.) because I too want the normal life. You are now forever linked with your MM through your child, and that is awesome that he has stepped up to be a good father.

 

**Well fortunately for him I can not take away points there, because I would take points away anywhere right now

 

I have a few more questions if you don't mind....your situation has really intrigued me, and you have been honest and firm but kind in your posts. I appreciate that.

 

So, was he there for the birth of your son? How did his W handle that? Does your son go to their house for visitation? Is his W involved in your son's life at all? Does he help you financially? I'm so sorry if these are too personal, and really, feel free to tell me it's none of my business! I'm just really curious how it works for you having a child with him and such a combative BW in the mix. Calling any innocent child a "bastard" lowers one's karma points in my book. You said something about him now staying with you some in your home, but also that he goes back in forth? Is that right?

 

**no he wasnt therefore she didnt handle it (i didnt call him until afterward) I didnt want "them" showing up while I was in labor or what not...no he doesnt go to their house. no she is not involved and doesnt think her H is involved (although he is very much) she doesnt even know her H signed his BC (she wanted DNA he said he didnt need it). He helps financially. SHe is not combative at all. she is actually very kind (she knows he is worthless). name calling was done in anger and out of hurt.

she transferred positions with her company and "they" have moved... she moved he has been here last 3 weeks or so except for xmas (they also have children although much older than ours) he went there "for the kids" and will be back tomorrow. He has been here every night... I think he is giving her some lame lie like he is staying with his mom... not real sure why she thinks he is here and not there... not interested enough to ask and think most explanations are smoke and mirrors at this point

 

 

How did your A start? Did you know he was married? You said our situations sounded similar, so did you have a prior relationship before he was married & then reconnect?

 

** A started because he was miserable at home we met one day while shopping exchange numbers and the rest is history.... I knew he was M after a short time but I was smitten by all the sweet lies he whispered in my ear ha ha

 

Does he tell you the same things mine does? These are direct quotes from my MM:

* When wishing him Merry Christmas, I said "I hope Santa brings you everything you want!" His reply: "He will bring me everything but you..."

 

****I call you on every special occassion because even though I am not with you I am always thinking of you and calling to hear your voice*****

 

* I gave him a Christmas gift that he will use everyday (and she will come in contact often with as well), and when I asked if she would notice, his response was: "She won't even notice. We don't pay attention to each other."

**I have bought him clothes that he has worn in front of her (without a doubt she notices..without a doubt he calls his mother and gives her every detail of every article I purchased and said it was from her or that he picked it up for himself)

 

 

* Because lately I've been talking more about changing our situation: "I will talk about anything with you, but sometimes talking about you and I makes me frustrated because I can't change it fast enough....I'm doing the best I can."

****ha ha that must be in the play book they use... eventually it will turn into I dont have all the answers... I dont know what I am going to do** I am trying to figure this all out in my head.. I dont want to rip my son/daughter heart out and ruin their life so I can be selfishly happy, I would rather be miserable...***

 

* "You are amazing and you are enough for me" (Hmmm really...then why is there another woman in your bed tonight...)

***same (you are the only woman I have ever needed****

 

* "Sex with anyone else could never equal sex with you. "

* "I will always love you."

* "I want to never argue. I want to love you."

* "Please be with me!"

Etc., Etc., Etc. Please tell me you heard these same things too or versions of them. Are they just standard lines? You are right. I KNOW he loves me. I do think I might be the love of his life. BUT you are also right in saying that love obviously isn't enough for him. He honestly told me once - and this was almost a decade ago, WAY before our affair - that he didn't know if he could ever just choose to be happy. That statement still haunts me to this day...

**** All of the others came from the play book almost exact quotes... I am sorry to say

[elle01]

just to be clear, the reason I said I could relate is because my A was also very intimate very close we were each other's bf supposedly. eveything was perfect like no other relationship ever was (he used to compare us to Romeo and Juliet)... yet not in the same sense (I dont think) as the story but more of we couldnt live with out each other. Intense and wonderful and spectacular and fairy tale are all words I would have used to describe us 3 years into the relationship

[elle01]

which morals are you referring to may I ask? I never stated that I was morally correct in having the A? did I ? I make no excuses for the mistakes I have made... And I walk confidently with my head up high... bother you?