Is cheating forgiveable?

[FIREMAN]

I caught my GF of 4 years out with another guy on Sunday. He was surprised as I was. We both dumped her on the spot. The thing is, I believe her feelings for me were sincere and that she met him when we took a break a few months back. I want to get back together with her and try to get past it. She called me Monday night, but I was too mad to answer the phone. She didn't leave a message. I called back on Tuesday and it rang twice then went to voicemail, as if she ignored the call. I left a message, but haven't heard back from her. Today, wednesday, I wrote a letter to her. It was 4 pages long, basically saying I understand what happened to an extent and am willing to give her a chance to talk with me if she wants. Mistakes do happen, and often you can get past them. Is it possible to get past this? What do I do next if she doesn't get back to me after the letter? Afterall, she called me the day after I caught her. Now I regret not answering

[whichwayisup]

Why are YOU jumping through hoops to get this girl back? IF she were truly sorry and wanted to make a go of things with you, to make it up to you, to prove that she's worthy of a second chance, she would be knocking down your door, calling you ALOT, making more effort, instead she's ignoring you?

 

Back off and forget about her for a while. Enjoy your Christmas and holidays.

 

And, really think about why you still want this girl. She obviously LIED to that other guy, made it seem like she was available and had no boyfriend, as he was shocked to learn about you.. Says alot about her, doesn't it? Like if you hadn't busted them, how long would she be still cheating on you? Not only that, how LONG has she been cheating on you, and is this the first time?

 

Don't be so quick to want to work it out with her, find out more info first.

[FIREMAN]

I believe she didn't intend to cheat. I think she just met up with the guy during a break we took, then when we got back together, she didn't know how to end it with him or me and it just spiraled out of control. Even the other guy said he didn't think she had it in her to do this and thought she was a decent person. The problem here is that she's always been easily manipulated and her best friend is a "whore" that's had more guys in the past year than I've had cars in 20 years! The other guy and I almost simultaneously said that she was just as bad as "the whore". Her parents and brother HATE her best friend, so much that her father told her she needed to find new friends about 2 years ago.

 

She really is a "nice girl" and has never done anything bad in her life. She comes from a very strict family and always denounced cheating. I don't know how long or how deep their "relationship" went, but I need answers. It's not so much wanting to get back with her, as get an apology. For the past few months, things were getting pretty good in our relationship, then this happens out of nowhere.

 

I truly do love her. I've been that person that cheated once. All I wanted was forgiveness. That's how I can understand it and probably look past this at some point. Just to hear her voice again would be the best Christmas gift tonight.

[Tayla]

There are various Lies given when caught:

1: I was lonely

2: I didnt INTEND for it to happen ( yet the reality and fact is: IT HAPPENED)

3: It was your fault they cheated ( shifting blame)

 

LOL! ALl three of which you bought, hook line and sinker. You are a fish on her line and she'll keep reeling you in til you finally don't take bait.

 

Sorry, This persons personality does NOT exonerate her from her poor choices and YES INTENTIONAL ACTIONS.

[Brady_to_Moss]

No it is not.

[FIREMAN]

The weird thing is that even though I was beyond pissed when I caught her, I still love her. I can almost forgive her...to an extent...(I didn't say tolerate it) because a lot of it is due to the way she was raised. I want to talk with her and find out WHY she did it and for how long. Then, maybe we can get past it and heal...or maybe not. But, it's worth exploring. She called the other day, but I didn't answer cause I was livid, so I called back next day, got the voicemail and haven't heard back...so, I sent her a letter to call me to talk amd if she doesn't want me to call anymore to just shoot me an email or text saying "don't bother me anymore". She still hasn't called or texted.

[JohnP82]

No.........never

[2sunny]

The weird thing is that even though I was beyond pissed when I caught her, I still love her. I can almost forgive her...to an extent...(I didn't say tolerate it) because a lot of it is due to the way she was raised. I want to talk with her and find out WHY she did it and for how long. Then, maybe we can get past it and heal...or maybe not. But, it's worth exploring. She called the other day, but I didn't answer cause I was livid, so I called back next day, got the voicemail and haven't heard back...so, I sent her a letter to call me to talk amd if she doesn't want me to call anymore to just shoot me an email or text saying "don't bother me anymore". She still hasn't called or texted.

 

you are making excuses for HER bad behavior. now you are willing to chase her and you lose the power. she is now back in the drivers seat and she is the one in the wrong. do you see how you are making this backwards?

 

she never said she was sorry she did it - she never showed actions to repair or fix what she did - and you still chase.

 

find a gal that's worthy of your love and affection - one that will value it enough to never even consider cheating on you. she did it now - she'll do it again.

[FIREMAN]

When I showed up at her house and ran into "the other guy", obviously I became very pissed off. I called her a whore. I feel bad about that AND ONLY THAT. I would like to apologize to her for that, as that's not how I really feel. I don't know if there ever was a "sexual" relationship b\t them or is so, for how long. I want to clear my conscience. That's who I am. Again, I also don't doubt her true feelings for me, just don't know why she did it.

 

I had a sexual issue a while back and we eventually took a break for a month. I think this is when she met him. We got back together and my issue had gotten better and our relationship started to get back on track. That's when I think she didn't know what to do or who to end it with. I just want to talk to her. I miss her and know for a fact my "issue" bothered her. We had talked about it a few times. That's why I can overlook some of this.

[2sunny]

set everything else aside and understand that the fact still remains that she was seeing someone else and lied to you about it.

 

she could have told you the truth and she didn't. that is who she is - a gal that's willing to lie and cover up. is that the kind of person you want to be with?

[Woggle]

It is certainly not forgivable in this case.

[2sunny]

and you can certainly love people for a variety of reasons but that doesn't mean they may be a good choice to date them.

[J dub]

How many times do you hear about someone finding out their significant other cheated on them, and their response is "I never thought he/she would ever do this to me".

 

HMMMM...because the type of person who does it, is incredibly narcissistic and once you take her back, she will see it as a green light that you will forgive her for virtually anything - including infedelity.

 

Take it from me. I was a carbon copy of her at one point in my life. If she cared about you and the consequences, she would have ended it with this other guy. The fact that YOU are trying to get her back right now, is once again sending the message to her that what she has done is completely, totally forgivable.

 

Grow a pair and approach this from a lucid point of view.

 

Sorry to be harsh...but a one-night-stand is one thing. Continuing for a period of time, sneaking behind both your backs, lying, being deceitful...WHY would anyone think that this sort of behavior is tolerable?!

 

Someone once told me, we accept the treatment we think we deserve.

 

Amen to that.

[Angel1111]

I forgave cheating once and tried to work things out but, in retrospect, it was a mistake. When I initially learned about the affair, I filed for divorce. I should've left it at that. Cheating destroys the magic and innocence between a couple and, in my opinion, that never finds its way back into the relationship. I now have a zero-tolerance policy for certain things - and cheating is one of them.

[FIREMAN]

What are the odds she and the other guy are still together after our run-in together? Do you think she was able to convince him to stay with her after I caught them together and he heard we had sex not even a month ago? Just want to know what you think... I'm still curious why she called me the day after and hasn't called back. I sent her a letter basically saying "if you don't want me to call anymore, text or email me, but I need answers". I haven't gotten a text or email, so is she scared, embarrassed or feeling guilty and confused and that's why she hasn't called or is she done with "us"?

 

I have an option to call her family's house and contemplated a talk with her dad to find out why she's acting like this. (I think she's bi-polar and doesn't realize it or hasn't told me. She's had the signs for at least 2 years). Very Jekyll & Hydish...One minute she's with me and all into me, 2 seconds later, she's in outerspace somewhere and two days later, she forgets we were even out or forgets that I even called, then the next day she calls me 5 times a day...I may not remain with her, but, I still care for her.

[Angel1111]

I don't know if she convinced the guy to come back or not. Anything is possible, of course.

 

Whether you still care for her or not isn't the issue. The issue is that she betrayed you. Don't confuse the two things.

[FIREMAN]

We met in Summer of 06 and hit it off very well. In Dec 06, she was the 1st to say I love you. In Spring 08, we talked of cohabitating. She was very interested in it, but she has committment issues and reality hit and she freaked, but she continued to stay over at my place on a regular basis. In Feb 09, I bought a house to renovate and possibly live in, then flip. I moved from my apartment to my parents' house to save $ while I renovated for a few months. We continued to date, but our sex life wandered due to a lack of places to go and do it. Then in May 09, we took a break and were no longer boyfriend\girlfriend. She called me and we were dating regularly again within a week of that, but not with the BF\GF labels. We didn't see much of each other in July, but in August, she and I went to dinner and after went back to my house and sat in the Hot Tub for 4 hours having sex and holding each other, talking and telling eachother our deepest feelings...very intimate. She told me she really loved me and was happy to be with me, etc. Then, a week later we had a fight and she said, we'll get through this somehow...very positive. We kept dating again, and it got better. Another Hot Tub night like that in October. She cooked me dinner, then gushed her love to me. Now, a week before Christmas, I found her with this guy that said he was her BF. Up until last week, she was baking me desserts, helping me with my house, regularly calling etc. Even the guy said he didn't think she was this type of person. She truly is a "good girl" otherwise and is even in bed by 10 most nights. It's out of character for her, which is THE ONLY reason I might be able to get past it. But, I still need more answers before I draw a conclusion.

[FIREMAN]

During 2008, I had a major sexual issue, that hurt our relationship. I couldn't come. It took a while to get back to normal, but she said she was worried about "what if" it happens again in the future, if we were married. It had gotten to a point that when we had sex, if I didn't come, we were both disappointed and felt very awkward and found it difficult to even lay next to eachother. Prior to 08, she would initiate sex, dress in lingere and get wild. After my issue, I had to do all the initiating, and it was often like having sex with a robot. She said she was worried and couldn't get into the act like she used to. I later found out that my condition was stress induced. Although it got better for me after several months, things were never the same sexually for us. She seemed worried every time we did it from that point forward. If this is what caused her to "stray", THOUGH IT'S NOT RIGHT THAT SHE DID IT, I understand it and would forgive her. ONCE.

[J dub]

Umm, good girl? Dude. She cheated on you, bottom line.

 

Of course she acted bipolar. She was with you and in to you when she was in your presence, and then in to him and such when she was with him.

 

Shifting gears like that is not difficult for someone who has no regard for other's feelings or their own actions/possible repurcussions.

 

The history of your relationship is obsolete. The point is, she blatantly deceived you and is not apologizing for it. Why is she not calling/texting? Because she doesnt care. Otherwise she would be falling over herself worried about how you two will work things out. Instead, you get radio silence. That should speak volumes, and you are completely in denial.

 

Its seriously amazing to me how us humans can completely disregard all logic when it comes to being cheated on..wow.

[FIREMAN]

She stuck with me for months while I went to therapy for my sexual issue and even continued to have sex with me with the hopes that things would improve.

 

When we had arguments in the past, I often didn't hear from her for days, because that's who she is. She doesn't get over things right away or like to talk about things for days.

 

Again, what she did was wrong, but if it was because of my issue and she needed sex, I almost don't blame her. She still remained a good girlfriend in every other way. Including trying to get "OUR" sex life back. I don't in any way condone her actions, but I understand them. I felt bad that I couldn't fulfill my end of the sexual relationship for that length of time. She said she began to feel I couldn't come because I wasn't attracted to her or into her.

[J dub]

Awesome! So now you know that, say for example you get married and something happens that prevents you from being able to perform physically for any amount of time - you can count on it that she will run out and find another guy to fulfill those "needs".

 

I read your other post - you need to do some serious mental inventory about why you feel you would care to take back someone who enjoys spending her time lying to you and doing some other guy. The "need" for sex is not an excuse to cheat.

 

Its clear that anything anyone says to you on here, short of "go for it, take her back!" is going to be disregarded as just some random internet person who doesnt know what we're talking about - and youre the exception to the rule, right? Your love prevails all, and you know her so well that you know she didnt mean anything malicious by this behavior.

 

Oh wait. You dont know her that well - because you didnt see THIS coming either - so who knows what else she does on her free time.

 

I've dated men like you, and I feel bad for you. She knows she can get away with this if she decides to, because you put the ball in her court by sending her that letter. Nice moves bro, now she gets her cake and can eat it too!

[FIREMAN]

I've been in her position before as the "Cheater". All I wanted from the 2 girls I betrayed (Neither knew I was with the other until I got caught) was forgiveness. To this day, it bothers me, but I never had the courage to call them and apologize. I tried once, but hung up before I even got the voicemail and felt to guilty\embarrassed to see them after that. So, I can sympathize with her on that. I wanted one of them to take me back and had deep feelings for both, but couldn't decide. I'd met them the same time and both relationships grew strong. I was in over my head and I think this is what happened with my gf. Karma. Now she's the one that prob feels guilty and embarrassed. When you're in that spot, you wish you could go back in time and choose only one, so you don't hurt anyone.

[J dub]

Sure, except when you don't care to reconcile with one of them so you dont bother to even apologize, ie: your gf.

[FIREMAN]

Which gets back to the original question then...Why did she call afterwards? To apologize?

 

I do value your opinions, don't think I don't, but ultimately my decisions are up to me and I have to live with what I decide to do. I'm strong enough to forgive people who've wronged me and strong enough to put things in the past and move on to a new future. I believe in second chances in life, especially when I'm in a position to grant them. TRUST is a very important factor in a relationship. I'm not saying it's easy to trust someone again, but it can happen.

 

I posted on here to get different viewpoints and appreciate the feedback.

 

A friend's son caught his GF IN BED with another guy many years ago. She was confused about her feelings for him and when he caught her and left, she realized what she lost. They reconneted and were able to get past it and are now happily married. I hope the same occurs for us.