5 Months & Going Down!

[BklynGuy]

My longtime girlfriend that I dated for 4 1/2 years dumped me last summer. I was going through a bad time and couldn't keep myself together. I had dropped from school & quit my job. I just needed to work on myself for a while. She had been cheating for probably 2 years - I'm not sure but began to suspect things a long time ago. She'd never go out w/me in the daytime. I always had to fight her for time, and it never seemed to work. The first 2 years were GREAT! She was one year older than I, but we hit it off well. I loved going out with her to do things, it was my first REAL relationship - or so I thought. I graduated from a business college @ the end of year 2/beginning of year 3. I went into the job market but couldn't find anything, needed more skills, etc. So I go back to my old job and was REALLY down about the situation. I began to run into problems at work w/my ex best friend & his brother. They were dissing my ex-gf right in front of my face. I quit the job and turned away from them. I hung onto my ex more than ever now - although I always seemed to care more for her than she did for me. She dumps me as soon as I tell her I'm quitting the job, meanwhile she told me I should quit & I kept her abreast of the unfolding situation. She comes back to me 1 week later & we're back. I get another job to keep her in my life and go back to school. This job wasn't really for me, and I knew that going in. I only grabbed it b/c it was the first thing to come up & to keep her happy. I would've done anything to keep her happy. I quit the job and start going through my down period. In the last year, she was pulling further & further away. Then one nite, we're supposed to go out, and before she came by I brang up an issue. I said "You always seem like you're hiding something." Also, she would ONLY see me on Saturday nights, and it was between 8-10PM. I knew something was awry and I began to pull away also. I told her "I'm not taking these scraps of time from you anymore, those days are over." Her reply was, "Maybe we shouldn't be together, we're regressing not progressing." I never truly understood what she meant but WHOA! My whole WORLD had come to a screaching halt. I couldn't believe she dumped me like I was trash after so long. She didn't even tell me to my face. My heart dropped from my chest as soon as I heard those words. It was one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with. I cried more for her than when I learned of my fathers death. OK- 2 months later I'm surviving and feel like I'm on top of the world. She comes back, and says I didn't want to break it off w/you. I let her have it! She spoke to me like we we're still a couple. I ran to see her the next nite and told her how much better I was doing. Back in school, new car, stronger, just better all around. She REJECTED me again! OWW - that left a mark. Since then, I've just been going downhill. I can't concentrate on school, feel depressed, don't know where I'm going anymore, just can't deal. X-mas coming up doesn't help either. I hear a certain song on the radio, and I just get emotional. Heck, I even cried in front of other guys, and I'm not the crying type. Has anyone else felt this way and how long did it take you to move on? Get a grip again?

[DragonflyX]

It takes a long time to get over things like that. A friend of mine told me that a good rule of thumb is that it takes 2 years of recovery for every year you were with someone. Sounds about right, it took about 7 years to get over the failure of my marriage.

[d1410]

The time it takes to get over someone depends on the person and the situation, in my opinion. I went out with a guy for 10 years, so that would be 20 yrs for me...Yikes!!!! See what I mean?

 

It took me almost a year to get over him (he cheated on me and then left me) but I'm happy and healthy now and have since had several quality relationships.

 

Sounds like you need to keep her from contacting you again...ever. You don't need this emotional rollercoster. Find someone that will treat you with respect and love you whatever type of job or situation you're in...

 

d

[amerikajin]

Regarding the time it takes to get over someone, it all depends on the person and the kind of relationship you had. I've also heard of the rule of thumb, but I thought it was basically half the time you were with that person. In other words, if you were with someone six months, three months is a reasonable time to process the emotions; if you were together two years, one could expect it to take up to a year. Personally, I think this is a bit simplistic myself. I think much of it has to do with the intensity of the relationship. Being married and sharing personal space and precious moments of your lives together for 7 years is different than dating on and off for five years.

 

In my experience a failed relationship is like the death of a loved one. You pretty much get over most of it in the first few months, but there are still times when it comes back. Yes, anyone who's ever failed in a relationship at least once (which is probably most of us) has felt those same emotions. Crying. Eating too much or too little. Not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. Staying up all night. Sleeping with the lights on. Driving around in your car going nowhere in particular. Thinking about nothing. We've all been there. It does eventually get better, though.

 

I still haven't found anything that compares with what me and my ex had, though I'm optimistic that one day there will be someone else who will be an even better match than she. I think you have to have that attitude. You have to be optimistic, and you have to convey that to other people whether or not you actually feel it inside. I think love is sometimes like a big series of train tracks. Some trains are longer than other, and there are certain points when we have to take different trains and split up with people we care about. I think what's done is done. You step off the train, wish them well and just get on the next one to see where it takes you. Never forget the memories, but never stop dreaming of better days ahead, and never stop living in the present.