mourningMM Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 OK, I need some completely anonymous and unbiased opinions... I know everyong out here is looking for a special someone....and that spark that makes the relationship right. But what makes that spark happen? Where does the connection come from? I've never been able to "grow" a relationship that didn't start with chemistry. I met a nice, kind, thoughtful, interesting, healthy, caring, intelligent person and I find it INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING that I just don't find myself interested. Over and over, within minutes I know that the chemistry and passion just aren't there. And when it happens, and there is a connection, you can feel it even before you speak. WTF is this? I swear I'm going crazy...and I'll even date for a few months, hoping that something will change. Do other people grow into relationships? HOW?
meerkat stew Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 The decadent pseudo-concept "chemistry" is responsible for many of the current problems between genders. It is a bad synonym for attraction that women use. I don't hear many men using "chemistry." It is the safe harbor of infatuation addicts who have to be overstimulated all the time to feel alive in our jaded culture. As you may guess, my advice would be to stop focusing on chemistry or other nonsense, and start focusing on taking the time to get to know someone for who they truly are. Now if someone sits down across from you and you find them unattractive, that's not a matter of chemistry, but plain ole lack of attraction. Learn the difference, and stop wishing for some magic wand to wave and sprinkle Prince Charming chemistry fairy dust all over you when you meet someone. I can sit down with a woman one night, and she will feel no chemistry whatsoever depending on what I choose to say to her. Next night, saying different things, she will feel the strongest chemistry she has ever felt. At the core, though, I haven't changed one iota. This is why it's bad to rely on chemistry, it is NOT a binary switch as so many women claim, but rather random actually.
D-Lish Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 I have forced myself to grow into relationships out of the same frustrations you have. That's a worse option than staying single. I have experienced intense chemistry though- the problem with that is that it often fizzles out. Have you ever had a long term relationship?
alphamale Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Do other people grow into relationships? HOW? like aging it happens naturally over time
Kantor Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Do other people grow into relationships? HOW? I'm against the "settle" mentality. Do i believe there is someone perfect out there my "perfect" match...? Sure, will I ever find them? I don't know. However, I am not going to settle for less then someone I know I will be happy with for the rest of my life. If a date doesn't feel right, then thats the end of it. Plently of fish in the sea.
Author mourningMM Posted December 24, 2009 Author Posted December 24, 2009 on what you think is long-term. College, 6 months was long term. I was married for about 12 years, then my husband left for an OW. We were together for about 3 years before that. I've had a couple of really intense physical relationships that lasted 4 or 5 years. Some even rekindled after two years of separation. I'm not sure that I really want to share my life with anyone yet, but I know that I don't want to be alone either. But this isn't about LTR as much as, well, connecting. I mean, even in friendships...it is just I either establish a good relationship with someone right away (best friend, met in lunch line in 3rd grade, been friends for 40 years). Maybe it is being in the right frame of mind and open, or maybe it is chemical. I don't know if I'm just unusual and need therapy, or not.
PinkToes Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 I know a couple who have been together for about 20 years who swear the whole connection thing is overrated and unnecessary. And obviously that works for them. For me, it's a requirement. It's deeper than chemistry though. It's a sense of familiarity and ease that makes you feel you've known someone forever. IMO, it's either there or it isn't, and you know pretty quickly. But everyone is different.
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