findingmyway Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 I've been involved with a MM for a year. same story as a lot of the others - we are in love, he has told me he believes we are meant to be together, etc... etc... his reason for staying in his marriage is his 4 yr old son. he is a very good father and spends a lot of time with his son. his parents got divorced when he was 5, and i think he has some issues still from that. he says he doesnt love his wife, but he loves his son so much and doesnt want him to suffer. also, he has a lot of money from his father's family business that he also worked for, as well as his own career. so, he is scared of how much money he will lose in his divorce. he is also afraid of losing custody of his son. he does not want his relationship with his son to be ruined. family is very important to him. we're both italian/catholics, and i empathize with his situation. my own mother stayed in a loveless marriage with my father for 28 yrs, and she says it was for me and my brother. they are now, finally, divorcing. I have tried to end things multiple times by telling him that this isnt the life i want, etc etc... but he wont leave me alone. he still calls, and emails. i would not call it stalking, but more being persistent. he knows i love him so much and how difficult it is for me to leave him. 2 weeks ago though, i stood up to him and told him i would not accept the situation any longer, and that unless he was calling to tell me that he was moving out and proceeding with his divorce, that it was over. i ignored his mutliple calls and emails. he has reached out again a few times in the past few days, and left a message telling me he thought about what i said, and that maybe it is best that we cool things off... but then he keeps calling when i dont answer. he even has called me twice at work, because he knew i'd answer the phone. (i think his telling me that he "agrees" its the right decision is a reverse psychology tactic that he's trying to use. he has done this before, and usually it makes me change my mind and want to stay with him) i will not lie, i still love him and i want him to man up, and get his divorce, but i love myself more i will no longer sacrifice my own self worth and integrity. we will see what happens. reading the other posts on this forum has been helpful to me, and i just wanted to share my story.
jwi71 Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 If you really want him to stop bothering you... ...tell him if he calls/texts or emails ONE more time...you will talk to his wife and deliver those text messages and emails to her. In person. That should put a quick end to it. Of course...if he DOES contact you...be prepared to make good on it... My .02
fooled once Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 I've been involved with a MM for a year. same story as a lot of the others - we are in love, he has told me he believes we are meant to be together, etc... etc... his reason for staying in his marriage is his 4 yr old son. he is a very good father and spends a lot of time with his son. his parents got divorced when he was 5, and i think he has some issues still from that. he says he doesnt love his wife, but he loves his son so much and doesnt want him to suffer. also, he has a lot of money from his father's family business that he also worked for, as well as his own career. so, he is scared of how much money he will lose in his divorce. he is also afraid of losing custody of his son. he does not want his relationship with his son to be ruined. family is very important to him. we're both italian/catholics, and i empathize with his situation. my own mother stayed in a loveless marriage with my father for 28 yrs, and she says it was for me and my brother. they are now, finally, divorcing. I have tried to end things multiple times by telling him that this isnt the life i want, etc etc... but he wont leave me alone. he still calls, and emails. i would not call it stalking, but more being persistent. he knows i love him so much and how difficult it is for me to leave him. 2 weeks ago though, i stood up to him and told him i would not accept the situation any longer, and that unless he was calling to tell me that he was moving out and proceeding with his divorce, that it was over. i ignored his mutliple calls and emails. he has reached out again a few times in the past few days, and left a message telling me he thought about what i said, and that maybe it is best that we cool things off... but then he keeps calling when i dont answer. he even has called me twice at work, because he knew i'd answer the phone. (i think his telling me that he "agrees" its the right decision is a reverse psychology tactic that he's trying to use. he has done this before, and usually it makes me change my mind and want to stay with him) i will not lie, i still love him and i want him to man up, and get his divorce, but i love myself more i will no longer sacrifice my own self worth and integrity. we will see what happens. reading the other posts on this forum has been helpful to me, and i just wanted to share my story. Tell his wife - that will get him to stop. He disrespects you by disregarding your words to stop calling you. Tell his wife. She will help him either stop calling you or hand him over to you. And he can repeat the pattern with you.
heartbroken1109 Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 First of all, I'm sorry for your situation. Loving a married man is extremely painful. I know many people say we get what we deserve, but that doesn't make it any less excruciating. The longer you continue this, the harder it is going to be to let go. I'm giving advice that I'm having a hard time following myself, but I think there would've been less pain involved if I had walked away at the one year mark. I agree that you can threaten to tell his wife IF you are really serious about wanting NC. That will at least get him to leave you alone. If you're hoping he'll "wise up" and realize what he's lost, that is a longshot. I know that no matter how much love exists between you, if he feels he can't be a good dad divorced then he'll stay. Can you block his number?
Angel1111 Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 (edited) I tried to end things at the 2 wk mark, the 1 yr mark, etc. until 5 yrs had gone by - all because xMM just wouldn't stop trying. And I was dumb enough to think that was a compliment. Not that your MM is necessarily a bad person, but he will keep you entwined in this relationship for as long as you let him. I don't recommend the thing about telling his wife because that's taking things to a level that I don't think you're prepared for. Ignore his calls and if he calls you at work, hang up on him, or say, "Which part of 'don't call me until you've moved out and filed for divorce' do you not understand?' and then hang up. Or you can ask him, "Have you moved out and filed for divorce?" and he'll probaby say, "No, but-", and you ask, "Then why are you calling me?" The calls need to stop and you need to get that point across to him as to how unfair and disrespectful his actions are. Pretty soon, he will then let himself think about all this on his own. Let him go through the process. That's what he needs to do. In the end, you may end up with him. But if you cave in and continue this relationship with him while he's married, you most likely will not end up with him. Edited December 24, 2009 by Angel1111
Hazyhead Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 FMW, I understand your situation well. I think you are doing well to focus on yourself and not succumb to him, and I think he will respect you more for doing so. He sounds confused, unwilling to commit either way, but in doing so commiting to family. No decision is a decision. I think you would regret telling his wife - I agree that would involve you further in an even messier situation, and it's not fair to you that the fallout should be on your hands. Block him as best you can and tell him you won't respond until you hear he has filed. Until then - put yourself first and enjoy your Christmas.
jj33 Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Dont tell his wife. Keep ignoring his calls. If he calls at work when you hear his voice tell him please dont call me again and hang up (dont wait for an answer). When he calls again and you hear his voice hang up. It will hurt but its the only way to get him to stop. I had to put up with that for over a year - its awful... but you deal with it the best you can. Just dont let him erode your decision that is what he is trying to do, even if his motivations are subconscious.
It_Is_What_It_Is Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Take it from Heartbroken and the others who have been there. Yours isn't different. It is the same play book. The ball is now in your court ... you have all the relevant information to make a decision ... whatever decision you make is going to be painful, but the wise one to make is to run miles without looking back. Go find yourself a single guy to channel your love, one that would love you same or more rather than being second or side lover. All the best as you ponder your love future.
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