Why do we do it? Seriously.

[Eisenhower]

I know this is pathetic, but I really don't know if I even want to ever try to be in love again. I'm starting to think life would be easier without it.

 

I can't tell you how many of my married friends are either having problems, have been through problems or are getting divorced. Every single one of them, including some who are super religious, tell me "it's the hardest thing you'll ever do."

 

Somehow, miraculously, I managed to make it to 38 before getting my heart broken. But now I wonder, "Do I ever want to subject myself to pain like I've been feeling for the last year?" Literally, we broke up for a couple days in Jan., broke up for good in April, then she strung me along until October, when I found out (in spite of her lying) that she was with someone else, and I went NC for good. An entire year of my life has been spent with anxiety, pain, tossing and turning in the middle of the night, trying to avoid her at work, and just generally feeling like if the Earth swallowed me up, it'd be a blessing. I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole now, yet I still grieve over the loss of what we had.

 

I'm not suicidal (I could never do that to my loved ones), but honestly, I was on a jet the other day and as we were taking off, I actually fantasized for a moment that if the plane crashed, it would be sweet relief and I wouldn't be hurting my loved ones by killing myself.

 

Given my experience with heartbreak and my excessive number of friends who are in struggling marriages, I seriously ponder, what do I even want to get out there and try for? It seems like the best you can hope for is love, then marriage, then a struggling marriage after a while.

 

There's a girl at work who I've thought was beautiful for years and now I think there might be some mutual feelings there, but honestly, I have no energy or desire to even pursue anything. I'm spent. Depleted. Defeated ...

 

Oh well, I'm getting carried away with myself. Just pondering, that's all.

 

Eisenhower