herselftheelf Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 every time I sign off Yahoo, he signs in, in invisible mode, checking to see if I IM'd him. Every single time. Our last contact was me begging him back and saying I cant be friends. I miss him as a friend and although Im not fully over it all, I'm not *seriously traumatized* anymore and can slowly let it go. I can accept that we're done. Do I email just to say "Im over the trauma part now haha" What wouyld I say that would be *expecting nothing* -- but letting him know that Im okay now and friendship is fine. Once I take back the "dont contact me" part... I can sit back and let it all take its course. Or do I hold out and wait to see what he does? We have a child together- he HAS to contact me sometime in the future. Maybe I should just wait and see what he does.
Author herselftheelf Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 Oh and we're 12 days since the breakup 1 week since seeing each other 4 days NC
Back2dabasics Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 how do you know he's in invisible mode?? anyway i would wait and see. its only been for days of NC so its still early to make any decisions.
Lishy Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 how do you know he does that if he is invisible? Hey you have a child together there is no such thing as no contact with a child! I dont know your story so I cant comment further
Author herselftheelf Posted December 24, 2009 Author Posted December 24, 2009 I have a program that tracks Yahoo IM usage and also you can check Ydetector, that will tell if someones invisible. If you want more details PM me. I DID send the email, I said something like, "I'm over the trauma now, I can be friendly when you are ready" Then like 1/2 an hour later I signed in and stayed signed in for like 40 minutes while I wrapped Christmas gifts... he did not IM me during that time. AS SOON as I signed off, he hopped on for mere seconds, in invisible mode again, and signed back off. Checking AGAIN to see if I IM'd. So I know he got the email and now he's being gamey. I suppose he's trying to look like he's not sitting right there watching me online... but he is.
Author herselftheelf Posted December 24, 2009 Author Posted December 24, 2009 I guess there's no PM's here so ask and I can tell if you want.
Author herselftheelf Posted December 24, 2009 Author Posted December 24, 2009 holy. Im starting to almost feel sorry for him. Since I wrote that email and signed offline he has checked literally like every 2 minutes and yes, I am SURE he is checking to see if I have IM'd him. I havent signed back in, so I dont know if he IM'd me something... but Im sure he did and now he's waiting for me to get online and read it.
2sunny Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 holy. Im starting to almost feel sorry for him. Since I wrote that email and signed offline he has checked literally like every 2 minutes and yes, I am SURE he is checking to see if I have IM'd him. I havent signed back in, so I dont know if he IM'd me something... but Im sure he did and now he's waiting for me to get online and read it. you are making WAY too many assumptions! he may not be checking on YOU at all. maybe YOU should stop checking on HIM so much. who cares if he's on or off... IF he really wanted to correspond - he would... most men are just like that. since he doesn't/hasn't - he wishes to not - it's that simple. either way - get out and do something else so you quit spending so much time wondering.
females_lie Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 Its kinda creepy how you stalk him so bad.
Author herselftheelf Posted December 25, 2009 Author Posted December 25, 2009 maybe. But Im not having to do anything to stalk him. I just have program running that shows when he signs on even if its in invisible. So I can do whatever Im doing and see him sin in and out.
2sunny Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 maybe. But Im not having to do anything to stalk him. I just have program running that shows when he signs on even if its in invisible. So I can do whatever Im doing and see him sin in and out. he may be checking in on someone else - or several people.
TaraMaiden Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 I guess there's no PM's here so ask and I can tell if you want. You haven't been a member long enough to have the privilege of PMs. you have to have been here for a month and/or posted over 100 posts. It sorts the spam/trollers from the serious folk.... Hang around and make a new offer then. And don't post anything on line by way of info of that kind. The Mod's don't take kindly to commercial links or advertising.... Thanks!
TaraMaiden Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 maybe. But Im not having to do anything to stalk him. I just have program running that shows when he signs on even if its in invisible. So I can do whatever Im doing and see him sin in and out. The fact that he's obviously unaware of this, makes you a stalker of a kind. The polite thing would be to tell him: "By the way, I have a program installed that alerts me to invisible users and I can tell, every time you sign in. so if you want to contact me about seeing your child, do so. But understand that I am fine, I'm over things and I'm moving on. Don't sign in on my account, I'm very happy. let me know when you want to see *child's name*. I just thought it fair to let you know." THAT would be the right thing to do.
2sunny Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 The fact that he's obviously unaware of this, makes you a stalker of a kind. The polite thing would be to tell him: "By the way, I have a program installed that alerts me to invisible users and I can tell, every time you sign in. so if you want to contact me about seeing your child, do so. But understand that I am fine, I'm over things and I'm moving on. Don't sign in on my account, I'm very happy. let me know when you want to see *child's name*. I just thought it fair to let you know." THAT would be the right thing to do. the right thing would be to delete him from your buddy list so you don't see him at all. since it's over - there is no reason to keep track of him. can you do that?
Author herselftheelf Posted December 25, 2009 Author Posted December 25, 2009 The problem is that he wants to remain friends. He seems like this is very important to him. But I *really* need to evaluate if I want to be friends/ what kind of friends I should allow. We have a child. So we WILL have contact. There are very odd circumstances and Im just really tired of pondering it all. I want to make a final decision (FINALLY... this has been wearing on me for 3 years) Like- *his parents do now know we have a 2 year old. That HE has a 2 year old. * This is easy to hide because *IVE* never met his parents, though Ive asked too. *We broke up because I said I didnt want him to "casually" see other women friends. He talks/ texts/ emails/ meets up with "for coffee". *He's insistant that we're over... I suspect this is because he found an old ex from years ago.. I dont think they've seen each other but she's been added to his facebook and he's making all kinds of hints. He added her the day after we broke up. *He really really really wants to stay friends.. probably so Im on a string. But he's willing to hurt me and do weird things.. These are the reasons I want to know how much he's checking up on me and stuff. I have had on rose colored glasses for FAR to long and excused him. He's a nerdy guy who lives with a bunch of cats out in a cabin in the woods...he spends ALL day from 8 am-1 am online. Hardly does anything else (well he did when we were together) besides ocassional coffee with someone he's met from the internet or an old ex.
Author herselftheelf Posted December 25, 2009 Author Posted December 25, 2009 Im really sure of whats going on right now He found an old ex... but he's very socially weird and women dont generally fall all over him. He doesnt care about me as a person.. or maybe Im just hurt or maybe we just have odd circumstances. But he's found this old ex.. he cut me loose. added her the next day. Makes hints for her like posting links of holiday things-to-do in HER town 80 miles away. He's WAITING for her to comment on that... its his way of subtley hinting.. I know him well. He's cleaning his cluttered up shack of a cabin left and right.. all day today he told me. So that he can bring her there... if she ever accepts an invite. He's watching ME online I am sure.. unless its just coincidental that as SOON as I sign off he signs on, invisibly, for a minute. He's waiting and watching for IM's from me. He's telling me he really values our friendship. I just feel like its so that I stay around on friendly terms because he's about positive this old ex wont turn into anything.. she cheated and dumped him in the past. But he apparently wants to try it again.
Author herselftheelf Posted December 25, 2009 Author Posted December 25, 2009 His parents do NOT know, I meant. and we're 40. Not teenagers.
Simon Attwood Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 and we're 40. Not teenagers. The potential for infantile behaviour exists in a dormant state in every single one of us and given the right triggers it will awaken and manifest itself, as it very often does in relationship conflicts. Your question is not without a touch of irony (a very big touch!!); you both seem to be doing the same thing, so if you want to know why he is checking up on you, ask yourself why you are checking up on him. You should find your answer there
Author herselftheelf Posted December 25, 2009 Author Posted December 25, 2009 I didnt break up with him though... and he is insistant.. even indifferent acting about it. He seems to be strong smiling and "Great! Let's be friends now! I think we've always been best at that anyways.." While I BEGGED him back. I am/ was very hurt that he could downgrade me to "just friends" and seem like he never cared about me as more than that. Like water off a ducks back... he doesnt care/ have jealousy/ no looking back.. he just changed his mind. Fault my for my crazy break-up behavior if you must.. but I just dont get this. I dont understand him. He's checking me religiously to see if I leave him messages, but he's done with me?
Simon Attwood Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 So you are asking "is he still attached in some way?" Are you checking up on him because you are still attached? You already know the answer to your question, don't you?
Author herselftheelf Posted December 25, 2009 Author Posted December 25, 2009 Sure Im still attached. Ive been chasing this guy for 3 years. The details are: Ive known him for a while, we were friends for a while first so Ive seen him in action with women. Me- I have loved him. I really like who he is if only I could minus the "issues" he has. I'd stay with him forever and chase the american dream. and Ive told him this. Him- He's a nerd guy. He's not averagely good looking, at all. He was a social outcast his entire childhood and had not one friend. I feel like that has effected him greatly in how he deals with himself/ other people. He does not know how to romance/ woo a woman at ALL... but he's very nice. This means that averagely.. he'll meet up with internet women.. they feel like he's very nice, but he's formal and weird and has no mojo... he gets friendzoned quickly. These are the women he wants to emet up with.. and I cant go hang out with them because.. they're women he's met online and "dated" once or twice and it would just be weird or whatever. How he feels about me- he likes me as a person. I dont think he's in love with me. I dont think he feels that "in love" thing very long for ANYONE though, he has told me that he's very emotionally void in a lot of ways and often feels really restless. He says he feels like "he's waiting for something really big to happen one day that changes everythin for him" and he's waiting.. always waiting. He's told me. But- he feels like he's 40 now.. no great person will walk into his life.. he'll settle for me because we get a long great and I practically worship him. He's never had attention like mine before from anyone and I.. Im not sure whats up. But I do know that he's willing to cast me aside so that he can see if this old ex has any interest in him. Im also very hurt because he's cleaning like a mad man so that she can come over.. if it progresses that far. He lives in a very cluttered run down shack and he's trying to make it as nice as possible so this old ex can come over.
Author herselftheelf Posted December 25, 2009 Author Posted December 25, 2009 I guess what Im asking is.. in what way would you think he's still attached to me. He's willing/ wanting to talk to me off and on online all day as he sits there on the internet. He wants to see me about once a week.. maybe twice sometimes. No sex. no kissing. no touching.... at least not yet.. we've only been broke up 2 weeks. He DOES try small litle ways of touching and he's doing it very purposely. He did NOT initiate sex much at all while we were together.. he's joking about sex a LOT now though.. if I was to touch him/ try to be closer.. he'd shoot me down. Its like he likes "not knowing" and the tension better than the outcome.
Simon Attwood Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 To find out what someone is thinking or feeling, disregard their expressed behaviour and look at the motives for their behaviour. Consider what your motive would be for the same behaviour. Or even better, look at their behaviour and put a mirror to it, turn it around so that what is reflected, is the opposite of what is seen. What the subject dissimulates, and by means of which they dissimulate, is also the very form of its disclosure In English; what someone hides and the way the hide it, actually reveals what is hidden. What is your motive for keeping a check on him? What is his motive for keeping a check on you? People only hide things that they themselves are scared of revealing. You really do know the answer, don't you? Are you just looking for affirmation of your suspiscions? Or are you saying that you "know what he is hiding, but want to know why he is hiding it"?
blackbear_703 Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 Hi herselftheelf-- Is your ex aware you are watching him? Have you confronted him about why he comes online on a regular basis? If he's aware, you'd better get ready for the day when, out of spite or out of genuine passion for the new lady in his life, he changes his display pic to one of himself with this new woman and leaves her a romantic status message. Or even worse, changes his pic to one of them in bed. You'll really be feeling bad if this happens. This is why you desperately need to forget about why and what he's doing there in that cabin of his and just stay focused on yourself. Focus on healing your own heart and making your own happiness. If you've known him for 3 years, you should be well aware of what kind of person he is, so there's absolutely no need to evaluate what kind of a friend he can be to you. Apart from meeting up with this other woman, he's probably just checking his e-mail, Yahoo news/weather headlines, or something like that. I've done the same exact thing everyday for over 13 years now...sometimes on an hourly basis if I'm expecting an e-mail or want to stay updated about something in the news. Just turn that software off and turn your TV on, read a good book, or do something else fun and distracting that'll take your mind off your ex. And don't worry about arranging to meet with his kids. You can e-mail or call him at anytime to discuss that.
Author herselftheelf Posted December 25, 2009 Author Posted December 25, 2009 Simon- Okay, I know he is hiding checking up on me. I'm not sure why beyond just that he doesn't want to look dumb? Doesnt want me to know he wonders? I dont know. what someone hides and the way the hide it, actually reveals what is hidden. What does this reveal what is hidden here then?
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