Matt-86 Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Hi, my name is Matt, I'm 23 years old from England, I've never been on this forum before, never heard of it, and never searched for any of a similar ilk, but this has been a month of firsts. Before I go on to explain my situation, I'll just say that I don't think it's answers of 'How to make things better' that I'm looking for, I doubt there are any, but I do need to just get something off my chest. I'm a single guy, I've had a string of unsuccessful relationships, a few of which I felt I loved my partner, but was not in love with them. I've been single for most of my adult life though, partly due to confidence issues with my appearance. A couple of weeks ago, whilst happily trodding on through my life, I met a girl who was a few years younger than me (20) through a friend, we got along like a house on fire and become good friends. The moment I seen her I really liked her, I think she's attractive, but more than that has an amazingly bubbly personality. Basically, to summarise she's everything I like in a girl, and is an amazing person, I love her to bits. She, as it transpired had not long split up with her ex, and her life resembles my own eerily in terms of things we've gone through, issues we've had, and we have alot of common ground, largely why we get along so well I suspect. After the next time I seen her again in person (with a friend) I found out she'd hooked up with a guy some distance away, casually at first, they'd not yet met at this point. We all had a good night, but I left confused about my feelings, I was falling for her. The next day I spoke to our mutual friend about my feelings, and having just got out of a wobbly relationship myself, he convinced me I was 'rebounding'. Mutual friend then tells this girl what I said (which I'm not bothered about), She then tells me she understands, and I said it was just a momentary thing, I think I said that to divert some worry, because it wasn't true! As time goes on we see more of each other, and become closer, as friends. We end up seeing each other more, to the point where we go nearly a whole week seeing each other at some point often alone together, getting along really well, sharing problems etc. Eventually we meet up with a few other friends and meet this guy she's been talking to, I'm doing the whole 'there as a friend thing' again, it suits me, I get to spend time with her aswell as my other friends. Her and this guy get along really well, and hey... I'm happy for her, really I am, he's a decent chap, I mean that. But here am I now realising I'm torn between two emotions as a friend, and under the surface I really like her.... love her maybe?! On the outside I'm saying 'He's really nice, you'll be happy together', on the inside it's 'Hello.... wake up, be happy with me!' More time goes on, more time spent together as friends, more conflicting days, sometimes thinking I'm just happy as a friend, others wanting more, but saying nothing... to anyone, it hurts. I've gone as far as intercepting the family now, I've made a lasting impression on her sister and mum and dad (I think). That's the way I am though, I get along with people. People tend to like me, must be my personality, I don't know. Either way I'm in a situation now where I get along really well with the whole family, somehow like I'm behind enemy lines deeper than I should really go feeling like this. I'd like to point out I love them to bits, they're such nice people, I feel welcome there. I've never felt THIS way about anyone, I would describe her as everything I'd look for in a partner, and whilst I say that I also say, she means the world to me as a friend. I feel so sad sometimes I try and cry to release something, I feel I should.... but it doesn't happen, I just end up staring aimlessly at the floor wondering when the pain will stop. I'm scared because I'd rather have her in my life as a friend than not atall, but can't go on forever wishing for more. In a sad way I find myself working harder on losing weight, toning up, and it dawns on me that she is the reason. Almost as if, if it doesn't work out, she'll like me.... pathetic. I mean this from the bottom of my heart... I want her to be happy, if that's with him then that's cool... I won't get in the way. Far from it, I'll do everything and anything I can to help, that's the part of me that sees her as a friend. The part of me that looks at her face and listens to her voice and melts.... that just goes to bed each night feeling short changed and sad beyond all belief.... I really don't need this at Christmas. What's right and what's wrong? Will I ever slip into that comfort zone in my mind where I can accept I'm just a friend, and can therefore be one without the catastrophic downside of feeling heartbroken? Should I take a step back, and do the impossibly hard thing of distancing myself from her for the greater good? Honestly.... I don't know. If you've read this, and understood it, I appreciate it. I may never know you.... but just talking to you has lifted an enormous weight from me. Like I said in opening, I'm sure there's no right, and wrong. No answers to stop the pain like a miracle cure. I'm a pretty logical guy, I'm not stupid or short-sighted... I know there will be others, I know I won't feel as bad as this in 50 years time, still moaning on about it, but none of that changes, or makes better what I feel now. Matt.
GrayClouds Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Sorry man your hurting. You right there is no easy answers, any simple thing to make it easy. Read the following, it will make it easier, not easy, easier: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance? I wish you well. Good LucK
Author Matt-86 Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 Cheers buddy, but she's not my ex.... should I be approaching this as if she was? I want to know if, in anyone's previous experience, it's possible to null that feeling of wanting more, and just be a good friend.
CLC2008 Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Cheers buddy, but she's not my ex.... should I be approaching this as if she was? I want to know if, in anyone's previous experience, it's possible to null that feeling of wanting more, and just be a good friend. I don't think you can "null" your feelings for someone, I really think it's a natural process of reaching that point. I also think it depends on whether or not it's just lust, because over time that fades and when it does, there are no lingering feelings of physical and/or emotional attraction.
Recommended Posts