My situation

[Lindsey]

I know deep down in my heart I should leave H of 3 years. Back in October I got to the point where I was ready to move out with out giving him any notice. But I got guilty of what I was doing behind his back so I sat down and talked to him. I basically told him he needed counseling or I was leaving. He didn’t take me serious so I called my sister to come get me. Well he took me serious then, broke down, told me not to leave, he’d do anything. Well you guessed it, in the last two months he has done nothing about it. There are too many things to go into about why I know I should leave them. This isn’t a situation of ILYBNILWY (if that’s the right acronym). I love him with all my heart and it’s going to kill me to not be with him but he’s not a good person right now. He’s gone down hill in the last year. If you had told me 6 months ago I would be thinking of leaving him I would have told you no way! But he seriously needs help but won’t listen to me or his family. I even tried talking to his family doctor, who said he would come up with a way to get him in the office but that’s been over a month too. In November I went on vacation with my sister and it was the best most relaxing time I’ve had all year.

One of the worst parts was after I told him I was going to leave him all he did was throw that in my face. Any little thing he would do, he would say “well don’t leave me because of that”. I finally told him that I didn’t think it was that funny. He thought we were joking about it between us (um... I don’t remember joking about it at all, I’m serious). He has also made comments when I try to bring things up to him like “Your just looking for a reason to leave me”, “Why don’t you just call your sister again”, etc.

To him I’m the worst nagging wife in the world but I’m actually a very laid back easy going person, I don’t get on him about anything he does. I know that he is his own person and does things the way he wants to. I actually see him as being very nagging. If I don’t do something right, he makes sure I know about it. If dinner isn’t just right, he makes sure I know about it. If I pick up the wrong thing at the store... well you get it. I do everything around our place from laundry to grocery shopping to paying the bills, everything. All he does is take care of the yard stuff and ask me when I’m going to get around to do X (what ever he feels is being neglected).

I have a great support system and my sister is willing to let me live with her when I decide to leave him. The worst thing is I would be out of a job and probably a car. We work together and although they tell me they would do anything to keep me I’m not sure I would want to stay here after that. In August we just sold my car that I bought sortly after we started dating and bought a car together (right before he took a huge nose dive). Well there has been nothing but fights about the car. He knew how much I drove before and the fact that he has a car still and that this is technically my only transportation you would think that it wouldn’t be such a big deal. Everyone around me is encouraging me to leave him (including some of his own family members - they’ve seen enough of his actions to know what’s going on) and I’m afraid of waiting too long that they might not be there for me. I don’t know why I’m hanging on except for the fact that I still love him and this is my life right now.

The fact that it’s the holidays doesn’t even bother me. I’m ready to move on and be happy! All I want for Christmas is to wake up happy!

[imagine]

Wives normally quit nagging and then they leave. Meanwhile H thinks everything is going OK.

 

Convince him by leaving and handing him a love letter telling him the way to reconciliation. All correspondence must go via an intermediary(IM) who ensures that he is telling the truth. Only emergencies can be conveyed. IM must protect you from spam.

Edited December 23, 2009 by imagine

[floridapad]

Sorry Lindsay you are in a tough position to make such a life altering decision. You may love him now but that love will be sapped dry should the situation continue. If you want to save your marriage your husband does need a dose of reality. It's good you have spoken to him about leaving him, but unfortuately he does not take you seriously, perhaps. The only advice I would give in your situation is to get a brochure on Retrouvaille (sp?) weekend counseling or marriage builders weekend and slap it down on the sink in a loving sincere tone and say I love you and want to save my marriage but I am losing my feelings for you and I'm afraid I'm falling out of love with you if we don't do this MC weekend. Don't do regular MC. The weekend retreats IMHO are far more intensive and I've heard great things about the two I previsouly mentioened. If he is not receptive to it within a few days then leave and go NC or follow Imagines advice. He needs a true wake up call BEFORE you have lost all of your love for him. Good luck

[Lindsey]

Wives normally quit nagging and then they leave. Meanwhile H thinks everything is going OK.

 

Convince him by leaving and handing him a love letter telling him the way to reconciliation. All correspondence must go via an intermediary(IM) who ensures that he is telling the truth. Only emergencies can be conveyed. IM must protect you from spam.

The biggest thing is I've never really been a nag. Out of all the BF's I had before I met H we would never fight. It seems like he likes to fight over a lot of little things. I try to ask him if this is really something he should be mad and angry about and I walk away.

 

Last night must have been the night. He was mad at me on the way home from work and drove home very aggressively. It scared the crap out of me enough to call and have my sister come get me. I also called his brother to come be with him after I left. I called last night before bed and he said his brother and him talked for hours and he really does want to work on this. His brother gave him the name of the MC that they used in the past (apparently his brother told him the whole story of why they almost divorced. H wouldn't tell me but it sounded pretty bad).

[tojaz]

The biggest thing is I've never really been a nag. Out of all the BF's I had before I met H we would never fight. It seems like he likes to fight over a lot of little things. I try to ask him if this is really something he should be mad and angry about and I walk away.

 

A better question might be why he is so mad and angry about them. What seems little to you may not to him.Sometimes little things stand for much more.

TOJAZ

[Lindsey]

So I figured I needed to come back here. Christmas was just over a month away. Even though DH swore he would do anything and I came back, nothing has changed. I feel like I'm living with a roommate! We don't talk, he won't even consider counseling now, we haven't had sex in... well I don't remember and trust me it's not my fault, he's the one constantly turning me down. I've brought up the MC thing to him three times since Christmas. Even though he originally told me that his brother gave him the name, he never did. I have asked him to call his brother and he just comes up with one excuse after another. The last time was that we really don't have the money to go see a counselor (really cause the last time I checked you have had two tattoos done for probably about $1000 since last summer!). The time before that he compared my resistance to getting a flu shot to him calling about the counselor. That makes no sense to me. I'm fed up! I love my husband but he refuses to do anything to save our marriage. He just sits back and thinks that I'll keep hanging around.

[Brooke79]

Now I am definitely not an expert on relationships, but it seems like you're still in love and want to continue on so my recommendation is to possibly fall back and start having fun and making changes in other areas in your life. You are putting a lot of energy into trying to get your husband to change and maybe you have to trigger it with a change from you, not focusing on the problems and being an example of positive living. When you stop trying to constantly talk about the problems maybe he will open up and be willing to work on it but he definitely doesn't seem to be responding to "nagging". Show him that you are able to change and maybe he will follow your example. Just my thoughts, as I said I am definitely not an expert but that's just something I figure you can try.

[Lindsey]

Now I am definitely not an expert on relationships, but it seems like you're still in love and want to continue on so my recommendation is to possibly fall back and start having fun and making changes in other areas in your life. You are putting a lot of energy into trying to get your husband to change and maybe you have to trigger it with a change from you, not focusing on the problems and being an example of positive living. When you stop trying to constantly talk about the problems maybe he will open up and be willing to work on it but he definitely doesn't seem to be responding to "nagging". Show him that you are able to change and maybe he will follow your example. Just my thoughts, as I said I am definitely not an expert but that's just something I figure you can try.

It's funny that you say this because it's exactly what I do. I live my own life while he sits at home doing nothing but playing video games (mind you he's 40 and 11 years older than me). He's pretty much been a "hermit" as long as I've known him but early in our relationship we used to get out and do more things together. Now if I want to go do something I have to go by myself because even when I ask he says no. I work out every day, go out with friends (not to bars and out all night but just to visit), visit with my family, etc. I really don't bother him much about this but bring it up as a reminder that this is what he promised me when I agreed to stay with him.

 

Last night I was folding laundry, doing dishes and wanted his help preparing dinner. While he was sitting there playing a game he just bought, he ask me if I really needed his help? Really, cause I asked you and I'm doing everything else around the house while you just sit there on your butt? Sorry just venting now.