Artist Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Well I was NC for 2 weeks then she contacted me. I sent a reply telling her how she had hurt me and to never contact me again. My story in detail is here; http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t213333/ It has been 20 days since that last email to never contact me again. I am feeling much better. Most of the crying has stopped. I am working out hard everyday, hanging with friends, all who gave her a chance but think now after this 3rd break up that she is a nutcase. In my head I know I should not go back to her but even with all this support and the healing happening my heart still misses her. We dated 10 months. Can anyone offer stories of how their healing progressed and what happened at what stages? My gut tells me she will contact me again and if so I am hoping it happens after I no longer want her but how long is that likely to take?
LovelyDaze Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Well I was NC for 2 weeks then she contacted me. I sent a reply telling her how she had hurt me and to never contact me again. My story in detail is here; http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t213333/ It has been 20 days since that last email to never contact me again. I am feeling much better. Most of the crying has stopped. I am working out hard everyday, hanging with friends, all who gave her a chance but think now after this 3rd break up that she is a nutcase. In my head I know I should not go back to her but even with all this support and the healing happening my heart still misses her. We dated 10 months. Can anyone offer stories of how their healing progressed and what happened at what stages? My gut tells me she will contact me again and if so I am hoping it happens after I no longer want her but how long is that likely to take? Hi, Artist. I'm LovelyDaze and I have had some tough love since I joined in October and I read and love each and every comment I was given! My ex left me for a girl in Vegas, got engaged after only knowing her 2 wks, came back to me last week after dumping her, I refused, and the test? He went back to her the VERY NEXT DAY! It shows how weak they both are! THAT was my sign to say "I don't want him." Just writing those facts down looks absurd. My ex has major issues and I took that into serious account. He'd have to work much harder to win me over but even now it is much too late. I have decided that my heart and integrity is worth more than holding hands down the street with anybody. I am NOT going to settle on someone who decided one day that I was not important. End of story. Once a person says that they don't want you in their life any longer, it is THEIR job to do the reconciling and fighting tooth and nail to change and win you back. For me though, he can fix himself up until the cows come home and I won't budge. I know my worth, I don't need to crawl and beg in the name of love. Love is not drama. Love is not boastful. Love is not a game. All of the things my ex thinks it is. Once you KNOW you want to stop playing games with your own heart, is when the hard work begins. But oh so rewarding! I cried the other day because I realized my own strength. He still thinks I am weak enough to take him back judging by his last text of him wanting to get together. Ha...never again.
HeavenOrHell Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 It will vary for everyone, there's no set time. 5 months on and my heart says I still want him.
singlegirl Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Hi Artist, i read your story. I too think this woman sounds as though she hs Borderline personality disorder....I don't think you are helping her by being her friend. The only way to help her is to show her that this behaviour isn't cool and leave her to it. She has no regard for your personal welfare by tthe sounds of her.....She will need a lot of serious help to overcome her problems. You cannot save her.... Please keep NC and try to move on. I know it hurts and you miss her but the only thing ahead of you with this woman is a lifetime of pain. You have a chance to escape, take it
Author Artist Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 Thanks Singlegirl. Yes I have left and have had NC in 20 days and will not initate contact with her. What things make you feel she is BPD. Hearing others tell me what they see makes me feel better.
singlegirl Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 The BPD trait is I hate you/dont leave me....Unstable interpersonal relationships...These are always as a result of some childhood abuse, neglect or abandonment..have a look at this link http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/ We all have an unstable relationship at some point and can't deal with some people in love but this woman has two of you in the same position ( probably) at the same time....
Author Artist Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 So the main trait you see in her is the push pull or the I hate you don't leave me? You would agree her behavior of me is horrible I guess? I have not been in contact with her for 6 weeks other than to respond to her email 20 days ago and replied by telling her to never contact me again.
singlegirl Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 I think Artist she is somewhat broken and she doesn't know how to fix herself so she's reaching out but she can't give anything back to you, she has nothing to give....Her treatment of you is not cool but to be honest people only do to us what we let them. She is not bad she sounds like a lost wounded soul. Did you take a look at why this woman was able to get so far with you in this dysfunction? Did you have a problem maintaining boundaries at the start? .....I am not judging as I have just had an experience of not having my boundaries clearly defined and have paid the price .
Author Artist Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 Yes. I have leaned a lot from this relationship. I am at the place in my head where I will not initate contact with her but my heart is playing catch up. During the relationship I told her she had to get into councling or I could not date her and she did. Or at least she said she did. After the second break up she seemed to be aware of why it had happened, named it, apologized for it and seemed deeply in love with me. So the third break up really took me by surprise as three days earlier she was in my arms professing her love. I think there is something off in me that I did not see or sense some of the warning signs along the way. I tend to work to hard in the relationship. I actually remember telling my councilor I was working to hard and started applying tighter boundries right before she broke.
singlegirl Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 You couldn't have seen it coming and you need to hold on to that thought. This is not your responsiblity to fix her or read her mind. You seem to be very self aware and have a good heart.... keep doing what you are doing.
waterrat Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Artist, what Singlegirl said above is bang on! Your story is "exactly" like mine. Three break ups before I actually realized what I was dealing with. You cannot fix these people. The longer you stay with them the more they will beat you down. I am 6 months removed from last break up, absolutely no contact is what has helped me move on. That and a lot of research on the subject has helped me understand that none if it was my fault. After every break up I was always left very confused, not really knowing what happened as my ex could never actually discuss anything important. She would always deflect and then blame/acuse me of something that was not even relevant to the conversation we should have been having. I was always left with what I like to refer to as a "word salad". Then there she was....GONE, and I was left with my head spinning not really knowing what happened. She also came back to me everytime, apologizing and acknowledging she was f***'ed up! Was all sweet for a few weeks, but then the pattern would start over. At this point I feel sad for her, but there is nothing that I can do. I too felt guilty at first, and thought I could have done things differently. I have realized that there is nothing else I could have done. It isn't me that is broken. Hang in there!
Author Artist Posted December 24, 2009 Author Posted December 24, 2009 Tanks W. My last email to her was please don't ever contact me. So do u think she will? And if so how did you handle it. If u ignored her what did she do? Leave u alone or escalate?
blackbear_703 Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Artist-- Please have a look at this article written specifically for men regarding girlfriends/wives with BPD and coping with the aftermath of a break-up with someone w/ BPD : http://www.sharischreiber.com/anycost.html This article can also provide much insight into those who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as well and help guys understand and heal from those break-ups. I'm 100% positive my own ex has one or both of these conditions and this article has been particularly helpful in understanding her and the relationship we had.
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