atlnay Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Quick recap: met him @ work didn't know he was involved with anyone, we had an EA and lite PA (no sex) for about 7-8 months. Then he told me he was getting M, but still wanted to be with me, I agreed and the A turned to PA soon after and we see each other a few times a month. He came over this week and we usually talk & joke for a while before he leaves. He starts calling some of his friends and then puts the phone to my ear and tells me to say Happy Birthday, which I did, then he pulls the phone back and starts talking to his friend and laughing. The first time he did that was after fooling around a bit in the backseat, he called his cousin, put the phone to my ear and did the same thing. He's sending me texts, something he NEVER did before he got M. He sends me explicit emails via fb. He leaves incriminating voicemails from his job. I won't betray him, not my style, but I don't want him getting careless on the other end either. MM, is that the norm? Is it a comfort thing? Comfort with me? Comfort that he has all his bases covered? or is he getting too lax in keeping up appearances? One thing he told me on our "dday" so to speak, was that all his boys knew, he was still going to be him. I get making them aware that he's getting M under "durress" but why start flaunting it so soon?
MizFit Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Quick recap: met him @ work didn't know he was involved with anyone, we had an EA and lite PA (no sex) for about 7-8 months. Then he told me he was getting M, but still wanted to be with me, I agreed and the A turned to PA soon after and we see each other a few times a month. He came over this week and we usually talk & joke for a while before he leaves. He starts calling some of his friends and then puts the phone to my ear and tells me to say Happy Birthday, which I did, then he pulls the phone back and starts talking to his friend and laughing. The first time he did that was after fooling around a bit in the backseat, he called his cousin, put the phone to my ear and did the same thing. He's sending me texts, something he NEVER did before he got M. He sends me explicit emails via fb. He leaves incriminating voicemails from his job. I won't betray him, not my style, but I don't want him getting careless on the other end either. MM, is that the norm? Is it a comfort thing? Comfort with me? Comfort that he has all his bases covered? or is he getting too lax in keeping up appearances? One thing he told me on our "dday" so to speak, was that all his boys knew, he was still going to be him. I get making them aware that he's getting M under "durress" but why start flaunting it so soon? There's no deciphering some of this stuff. My MM did the same...took some wildly stupid risks and acted as though he wanted to get caught. He did. He also reacted as he always said he would...he did all he could to stay home. It's been 6 weeks since DDay and he's broken NC all over the place, posted letters and given me gifts. I keep asking him why he took stupid risks before and I ask him why he's doing it again now when the consequences will probably be much harsher. I don't think you'll get answers as to what he's doing because I'm not convinced they know. Playing odds...risk versus reward...who knows. Just watch it carefully because the thing in most danger is your heart.
Brokenlady Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Quite possibly he enjoys the thrill of getting close to the edge and not going over. And he's probably arrogant enough to think that he can get away with doing that stuff indefinitely. It does NOT mean he wants his M to end.
Author atlnay Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 It does NOT mean he wants his M to end. That makes 2 of us. A male friend gave me his perspective, something about feeling comfortable.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 He came over this week and we usually talk & joke for a while before he leaves. He starts calling some of his friends and then puts the phone to my ear and tells me to say Happy Birthday, which I did, then he pulls the phone back and starts talking to his friend and laughing. The first time he did that was after fooling around a bit in the backseat, he called his cousin, put the phone to my ear and did the same thing. He's sending me texts, something he NEVER did before he got M. He sends me explicit emails via fb. He leaves incriminating voicemails from his job. I won't betray him, not my style, but I don't want him getting careless on the other end either. MM, is that the norm? Is it a comfort thing? Comfort with me? Comfort that he has all his bases covered? or is he getting too lax in keeping up appearances? He's showing that he's "the man" and giving proof of his mistress. Why flaunt it? Because it makes him feel like a stud to have a W and an OW. He's bragging because he can. GEL
2sure Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 He's showing that he's "the man" and giving proof of his mistress. Why flaunt it? Because it makes him feel like a stud to have a W and an OW. He's bragging because he can. EXACTLY. Pretty simple really and not at all uncommon.
Spark1111 Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Sounds incredibly immature to me. Does he value your relationship? Or is it just for fun on the side? Or is he so insecure that he still needs his guy friends to admire his studly ways? He has the makings of a real philanderer and will probably never be faithful to one woman. I pity the wife. I pity you too. Why are you in it? What do you gain from this relationship? ....just curious.....
bentnotbroken Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 He's showing that he's "the man" and giving proof of his mistress. Why flaunt it? Because it makes him feel like a stud to have a W and an OW. He's bragging because he can. GEL On the money with this post. Sounds like the brain he uses is located in one of his balls. Not a lot to think with as evidenced by his behavior. First having the A, then bragging about it. The maturity level he displays is astounding.
NoIDidn't Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 He's showing that he's "the man" and giving proof of his mistress. Why flaunt it? Because it makes him feel like a stud to have a W and an OW. He's bragging because he can. GEL That's what I got from this as well. He's only told "his boys". And they see you as "his side piece". They'll never tell his fiance/W unless they get a conscience. He isn't taking any risks in telling his boys. But you are certainly risking your respectability with this crew. This never ends well for you. Situations like these almost always involve the "boys" approaching you when they know that you and their friend are done.
Author atlnay Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 Why are you in it? What do you gain from this relationship? ....just curious..... I like him & hands down it's the best sex I've ever had. But you are certainly risking your respectability with this crew. The thing of it is, I have no desire to meet his crew.
Boundary Problem Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 He's taking the risks because he isn't the one who will pay the price. W's heart will be broken (that doesn't affect him). Your heart will be broken when you realize he is staying with her (that doesn't affect him). So basically he gets what he wants at no risk to him. And in fact treating you both with disrepect adds pleasure and dominance to the situation for him, ie the stud. These men tend to be cowards because they don't have the strength to make a choice. They play everyone around them and they don't ultimately have to be accountable for their choices. If either you or the W walks, he will replace her. To have someone else pay the price for your choices is the definition of a weak person. e.g. Think of a bad parent - who pays the price - the children, not the parent (just by way of analogy).
jj33 Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Taking more risks can also be a sign of someone who "wants to be caught" which is not a grown up thing to do. Its a passive aggressive cop out. If you want to leave you pack up your little toothbrush and you leave. A friend who is a therpist told me that many men who cheat get their thrill in part from knowing that they are humiliating or getting back at the spouse when they are with the OW - when they are with the OW yes they may care about her yes they may love her but at the same time, they are "screwing" (tho clearly not literally) the BS and half of it is knowing that they will go home maybe not that night, maybe not for a week but eventually they will go home knowing that they have made a stab at having gotten "theirs". Risk taking flaunts that. Again passive agressive. Atlay do watch yourself. All of your posts (understandably) are bursting with the feeling that you are reading into everything looking for hope and at the same time trying to dampen your expectations. Its a tough line to walk.
jj33 Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Whoa... I just read your post again. You have been involved with him since BEFORE he got married? HE TOLD YOU he was getting married and said he still wanted to be with you and you said yes???? Think hard. This guy is NO prize. He isnt "stuck" in this marriage. He chose it while he was seeing you. If I were you I would have a really hard time not punching his lights out and telling his W what a marvelous new H she has... Sorry but he is a pathetic loser. GEL had it on the money. Run run run as fast as you can. Great sex doesnt come along every day, but if you are willing to audition, you will soon find a replacement.
Woman In Blue Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Why flaunt it? Because it makes him feel like a stud to have a W and an OW. He's bragging because he can.GEL Exactly. What is he - 17 years old? He sounds like an egotiscial moron.
HappyAtLast Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 How old is this boy? He does not sound old enough to be married much less having an affair.
Stung Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 I suspect that your male friend who told you it was a 'comfort' issue was trying to be gentle with you. I have to agree with GEL, he is loving this ego trip he's on and he's treating you like a walking sex toy, it's a bit sad. There might be a bit of thrill-seeking about it too...I'd guess that cheating with you isn't enough of a high anymore, now he's got to take his marriage closer to the edge to get that rush in the pit of his stomach. If it were me I would be disturbed by his behavior and walk out with the remaining shreds of my dignity. "Happy Birthday," indeed. Gross. I really hope you value your self-respect over some hot sex. Hot sex and great chemistry isn't always easy to find but it IS out there and it's a lot easier to do without than your own dignity, self-esteem and peace of mind.
skylarblue Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 I agree with the post that he's showing that he's "the man" and giving proof of his mistress. I’d be more concerned with you saying the one thing he told me on our "dday" so to speak, was that all his boys knew, he was still going to be him. It sounds like “being him” means being a cheating, lying douche. So when is it the time that you become dispensable or he decides he can’t be satisfied with two girls and wants a third because he’s still going to be him – the player.
Fallen Angel Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 He's showing that he's "the man" and giving proof of his mistress. Why flaunt it? Because it makes him feel like a stud to have a W and an OW. He's bragging because he can. GEL The most well written and to the point, nail on the head post I have ever read on LS! Score ten points to GEL. There are many MM who take risks because they want to get caught, your post, atlay, does not make me think that is the case. Some MM introduce their OW to their friends, because they love their OW and they want their friends to know her because they are 'proud' of her (not bragging/showing off, just wanting his friends to know the woman he loves), again, your post does not sound like this is the case. Your post sounds like he is trying to show 'his crew' what a 'playa' he is, and is laughing with his buddies about how he just 'did' his 'side B*tch', and is now gonna go home to the 'home b*tch'...and do her too.. What a prize!
torranceshipman Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 How old is this boy? He does not sound old enough to be married much less having an affair. Lol, agreed-he sounds like a stupid little boy, the type to boast about what he did with you in the bedroom, & how he's the man for having you at his beck and call. He's making a fool out of you when he calls his friends and gets you to say something to them. Bleugh...the sole situation is nasty. He has no respect for you or his W. 'his boys' eh....sheesh, what a big loser.
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