stapelfahrer drew Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 OK...bear with me this is kinda long. There has been some recurring behavior from women that I have known throughout life that has puzzled me, and frustrated me. Whenever I meet a new woman, of course I am inevitably asked, "What is she like?" and the various different forms of that question. Time and time again, after this conversation takes place, I am met with criticisms about my new interest such as: "Hmm. she seems kinda slutty" "She has a medical condition? you really wanna be with her? she might die" "Sounds like an attention-whore" "She sounds like trouble" "She kinda gives me the creeps" ....and so forth. This hasn't just been from female aquaintances, I also used to get this in high school from family members. And back then especially, those criticisms would stick with me and I would then be more reluctant to pursue the girl and influence my decisions to persue new ones I'd met. Now, 10 years or so later, this behavior continues now from female friends. Two of my better female friends in particular do this. One of them, who has a long term boyfriend, does things that really puzzle me. After telling her that it didn't work out between me and a woman I had a couple dates with, a satisfied smile came across her face along with the words, "Yeah, I kinda figured". The other one just simply seems like she dispises the woman from the get-go after I tell her about her. With her, I would think that maybe she acts that way because she likes me however, I tried to start something with her long ago and she declined but we have remained friends. So what gives? Is this common? Why would women who have no interest in me seem to seriously dislike any woman I might be interested in?
boogieboy Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 1.) Why are you still talking to women you failed with? 2.) Why are you telling these women about your dates? 3.) Why are you letting jealous womens judgements affect the way you see your dates? 4.) Arent you a MAN that can think for yourself? Maybe they take joy in knowing they can watch you sabotage your dates based on what they say. How bout this....Dont tell these women about women you are seeing. Think for yourself, work out your dates by yourself. Dont tell these "friends" of yours about your dates until you are successful. Watch how They wont want to hear about it. You dont need to report every little thing to them. You dont need to report anything to them for their approval, which you seem to be doing.
D-Lish Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 So what gives? Is this common? Why would women who have no interest in me seem to seriously dislike any woman I might be interested in? In general, women are brutal toward other women. Hateful, spiteful, jealous- all of those things. Confident women that are comfortable in their own skin don't feel this way- but insecure women do participate in this psychology. An insecure woman only sees other women- especially "new ones" as a threat. It doesn't sound like you are going to get an honest opinion or perspective from your female friends, they aren't capable of being objective. Your friends are just being territorial, they don't have to be sexually attracted to you in order to keep other females out.
Author stapelfahrer drew Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 From boogieboy's post: 1.) Why are you still talking to women you failed with? Probably because she has became a friend. Funny thing is, the longer I have known her, the less sexually attracted to her I have been. 2.) Why are you telling these women about your dates? Because the topic has come up. The point I refer to when I was in high school, if you failed to read that part, I got that treatement from family members as well...It's kinda hard to not let the people in your own house know what is going on when they pry and pry. 3.) Why are you letting jealous womens judgements affect the way you see your dates? I don't have a good answer for that. 4.) Arent you a MAN that can think for yourself? I don't know? Could you tell me? Yeah, I suppose I could just keep my mouth shut about everything. Maybe they aren't my friends? I don't know.
dazzle22 Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 I don't think this is all that straight forward here. Something else is going on here that has not been discovered yet. I was struck by the family jumping on board with this kind of remarks too... I am going to go out on a limb and just ask some questions...are you the youngest child in the family? Did you grow up in a home where everyone felt they could invade your boundaries and just make comments about you like you weren't there? There is a "dynamic" here that keeps repeating, but there is not enough info yet to know what it is...
dazzle22 Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Oh my gosh! Something just struck me! Do you tend to get responses like the tone of what Boogie Boy gave you?....
FilthMerchant Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Yeah I see this so often that I think it is just 'female intuition' to pick out/fabricate faults in other women and blast them for it.
FilthMerchant Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 From boogieboy's post: 1.) Why are you still talking to women you failed with? Probably because she has became a friend. Funny thing is, the longer I have known her, the less sexually attracted to her I have been. 2.) Why are you telling these women about your dates? Because the topic has come up. The point I refer to when I was in high school, if you failed to read that part, I got that treatement from family members as well...It's kinda hard to not let the people in your own house know what is going on when they pry and pry. 3.) Why are you letting jealous womens judgements affect the way you see your dates? I don't have a good answer for that. 4.) Arent you a MAN that can think for yourself? I don't know? Could you tell me? Yeah, I suppose I could just keep my mouth shut about everything. Maybe they aren't my friends? I don't know. Just keep as much to yourself as possible. Next time your female friend asks you how a date goes just say 'hey, I'm trying to keep that kind of stuff to myself'. When she says 'why' just say 'everytime I mention a date to a woman they pick it apart and bag out the woman i was dating'
boogieboy Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Just keep as much to yourself as possible. Next time your female friend asks you how a date goes just say 'hey, I'm trying to keep that kind of stuff to myself'. When she says 'why' just say 'everytime I mention a date to a woman they pick it apart and bag out the woman i was dating' Nah, Next time one of them asks you say "Oh it went great!" When she says "tell me about her!" You say "Eh, maybe another time...now about those nets.." You shouldnt feel like youre obligated to tell everyone your business.
deux ex machina Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Yes. You don't need to explain any further. It's your life. Get used to trusting your own judgement.
Author stapelfahrer drew Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 dazzle22, Well, I was an only child I did tend to receive comments that were kinda like I wasn't there, as well as being ignored a lot. They would make comments that while I think they were trying to be helpful in their own mind, ended up being harsh and hurtful to me. With respect to the tone of boogieboy's post, if you mean as in the "you need this", "you need that", "you need to do this"....yes actually.
aerogurl87 Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 OK...bear with me this is kinda long. There has been some recurring behavior from women that I have known throughout life that has puzzled me, and frustrated me. Whenever I meet a new woman, of course I am inevitably asked, "What is she like?" and the various different forms of that question. Time and time again, after this conversation takes place, I am met with criticisms about my new interest such as: "Hmm. she seems kinda slutty" "She has a medical condition? you really wanna be with her? she might die" "Sounds like an attention-whore" "She sounds like trouble" "She kinda gives me the creeps" ....and so forth. This hasn't just been from female aquaintances, I also used to get this in high school from family members. And back then especially, those criticisms would stick with me and I would then be more reluctant to pursue the girl and influence my decisions to persue new ones I'd met. Now, 10 years or so later, this behavior continues now from female friends. Two of my better female friends in particular do this. One of them, who has a long term boyfriend, does things that really puzzle me. After telling her that it didn't work out between me and a woman I had a couple dates with, a satisfied smile came across her face along with the words, "Yeah, I kinda figured". The other one just simply seems like she dispises the woman from the get-go after I tell her about her. With her, I would think that maybe she acts that way because she likes me however, I tried to start something with her long ago and she declined but we have remained friends. So what gives? Is this common? Why would women who have no interest in me seem to seriously dislike any woman I might be interested in? I don't think your women friends are into you BUT I do think they don't like the idea of sharing their time with their friend (you) with some new person. Some people see their friends' potential new love interests as a threat to their friendship and therefore try to sabotage it.
Author stapelfahrer drew Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 Get used to trusting your own judgement. I think I do have problems with this. I probably need to keep my mouth shut in general more. People do like to tell me whether about dating or other things..."You really sure you want to do that?" Of course, then I second guess myself. I think I need to start just saying "YES!" and actually believe it.
freestyle Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Hey OP this dynamic with female friends is actually rather common place. There's a handful of threads here on the topic, and I myself have had the experience of being the new gf, treated with covert hostilty by a long-term female friend of my bf. I'd recommend that you be selective in what info you share with your female friends regarding your dating interests. For one, it sounds like they're debunking your every choice with negative feedback. Are they coming to these conclusions after meeting one of your dates, or are they basing these opinions solely on your descriptions? There are women who'll exhibit territorial behaviors with their male friends and subtly sabotage his attempts to date or form a relationship. Why?? They could be harboring a secret crush on you. They don't want you romantically, but they still expect you to be at their beck and call. They feel they should have first dibs on monopolizing your free time. (they want their party buddy on call) Or as one poster here put it, you might be the BBBF.(back-burner boyfriend)....just in case things don't work out in their current relationship, you're right there handy. Take some time to ponder the motivations behind their words and actions. Take some time to evaluate whether these friendships are truly healthy, or not. And be veeerrry observant about your friends' demeanors when you eventually introduce them to your love interest. If they are disrespectful to your gf, without good reason, then they are disrespecting you by proxy. They are disrespecting your right to choose your own partner. And it will either make your gf super uncomfortable, or super pissed. And your gf will have a lot of doubts running through her head, if she gets mistreated by one of your female friends..........try and imagine what she might think..........................
D-Lish Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 They could be harboring a secret crush on you. Or as one poster here put it, you might be the BBBF.(back-burner boyfriend)....just in case things don't work out in their current relationship, you're right there handy. There isn't a crush happening, there is insecurity happening. They don't want another female hanging around.
dazzle22 Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 dazzle22, Well, I was an only child I did tend to receive comments that were kinda like I wasn't there, as well as being ignored a lot. They would make comments that while I think they were trying to be helpful in their own mind, ended up being harsh and hurtful to me. With respect to the tone of boogieboy's post, if you mean as in the "you need this", "you need that", "you need to do this"....yes actually. Well, we haven't been able to observe these interactions you have had, but there seems to be a general repetitive tone to them as being "dismissive", and "parental" as opposed to friends and family just giving their opinions and you can take it or leave it... There is something, and I am not sure what it is, but something in the way you are coming across to people, perhaps like the "kid brother" that makes people, especially girls, make comments that are like "brushing off your feelings".. If this had been just a couple of girls, I would say coincidence and cattiness, but numerous girls AND family. Something else is operating here...do you think you might tend to come off as hesitant or unsure of yourself?
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