Long Distance "Break"

[griffman]

I met my gf of 15 months when I was in college. We were housemates, became good friend, and started a relationship. We were a little hesitant to get into a relationship already living together, but it worked out beautifully. When we graduated, she took a job in Boston and I stayed by home in NYC awaiting my internship in the Philippines. During this past summer we saw each other almost every weekend, and although we had occasional fights, it was nothing too serious and the relationship was still healthy.

 

I am now in the Philippines on a 5 month internship. We had agreed to stay together during this time. the first month was great but then i started to notice that she was not responding to my messages or texts, or would take a few days to answer them. She wasnt picking up the phone. One factor is the fact that the time zones are so different, and since we both have jobs, we only have a small window during the weekends in which wwe can communicate. You could understand how i started to feel if we would miss the opportunity to talk and have to wait another week. I started getting anxious and possessive. One thing you have to understand about us is that she is a very emotionally stable and independent girl, and I am a fiery and passionate kind of guy. SO one night we scheduled a video chat and after 3 hours of waiting for her, I called her up to find out she was drunk with her coworkers. The next morning we had a video chat and I was upset, and called her a terrible girlfriend. She said she didnt think she was very good at communicating, and that she felt like something was missing and was lonely. She also said she just wasnt motivated to contact me. She said she wanted to make a better effort, and she did...for a few days.

 

I know i was over reacting at times, it was hard adjusting to a new country and a new job and not even having your girlfriend fully there to support you. I sometimes cringe at some of the IM conversations we had, I was really being possessive. Anyway, after one more ignored message I called her up at work and asked her if she wanted to break up. After a long puase and some talking she said that we should take a pause, things got a little heated and we set up a time to talk a few days later. After some thinking about what i said to her, i sent her a voicemail and apologized for being so anxious and that i loved her. When we had the video chat a few days later and she said she was thinking and that we should take a break and get back together when i returned in 3 months. She said she really needed to concentrate 100% on her career. We agreed to chat once a week.

 

Then next chat we had was a disaster. It started out fine but then we started to talk about the relationship and she said that she didnt really treat this like a pause, but like a breakup. She said we are no longer together right now, and as far as when I get back she wasnt sure. She says she lost the motivation to contact me before i left for the Philippines and that we just had too many differences to work out long term. I was taken aback by this. She also said that I was single now and that if i dated or slept with other girls she wouldnt mind. I asked her if she wanted to date other men, and she said she probably won't but wouldn't promise me she would, bc she thought it would be weird to promise something like that to an "ex". I just kept pleading with her, digging myself deeper and looking needy. I couldnt believe it.

 

I knew I had to leave a better impression with her, so last week i did her a favor that helped her out alot. She thanked me, and asked me how my week was going and all that. So i know that we are on good terms. This past weekend I saw her online but didn't want to initiate the video chat because it felt like last week was a burden to her. Instead, I wrote her an email saying that I was sorry for acting a little crazy the past month and that I respect and agree with a break, and happy holidays. That brings us up to pace.

 

SO what do I do now? I know that she lost some interest/passion because i was acting needy. i know I screwed up by saying some bad things and acting so possessive and insecure. Is the relationship pretty much done for? I want to contact her, but I feel we need a little alone time or else I am just going to push her further away. I want to give her a chance to miss me, but i dont want to wait too long and give her the impression that I don't care. You see, she is adjusting to a new life in Boston as well, so I don't want to give her the cold shoulder. Another thing is that it is much harder for her to call me than it is for me to call her, so I feel that I should initiate. I was thinking of waiting till i got back to initiate any contact, but 2.5 months is a long time. Maybe a month? I just want to be proactive while we are still apart and maximize the possiblity of a reconciliation once i got back. Thanks so much for your help guys.

[lesoiseaux]

You know, your story is interesting for me to read because I was about to start a 5-month long-distance relationship with my boyfriend before he broke it off a few days ago.

 

I think you know what everyone will say, you have to go NC. And I agree. You are no longer her bf and it not your "job" so to speak to help her adjust to a new life in Boston. Work on adjusting to your new life. Work on YOURSELF. I read some nice piece of advice on LS here the other day that I liked...if there's to be any chance of things working out, both people need to change. And if you end up not getting back together, then you have at least started the healing process and can move on to other things (I'm hesitant to say "bigger and better things" because I don't quite believe it myself yet. But that's what they say.)

 

Me and my ex are going to discuss the status of our relationship when I am back from being away. So in that sense it is a "break" like yours, but really we have to treat it like a breakup. I realized I needed space just as much as he did, I became too dependent and equated happiness only with him. So maybe you can spend some time reflecting on what YOU need this for. Then you will start believing that this breakup was for the best. Honestly, if you really do want any hope of reconciliation then no contact is the best and only option. Know you are not alone...I am in the same process as your are...it's not easy but just make this time about you, not her. Wish you the best, and post here whenever you feel the need.

[griffman]

lesoiseaux,

 

Thanks alot for your reply, I am sorry you are going through a "break" as well, no words can express how hard it is but it gets better. I think I am in a similar situation as you, in regards to dependancy on my ex. I really lost myself toward the end of our relationship, and felt that I couldn't cope with the new environment without her behind me. It's was just a bad combination, my increased "need" for her and her declining interest level. What consoles me is that my mindset was already leading to the demise of the relationship, and it wouldnt have mattered if i was 9000 miles away or 9. Only through this break up would I have woken up to how deluded I actually was. It has been an amazing learning experience thus far, and it is making me better. Like you, I'm finding it hard to believe that there might be someone better out there, but we werent ready for each other anyway.

 

Update, she responded to the email I sent her about agreeing with the break. She thanked me for my understanding and always being supportive of her. She also said she has been doing alot of self reflection lately and is trying to figure out the best way to stay as a good friend to me for now. And that she'll keep working on it. It has been making me think what she meant by "for now". Is a reconciliation on her mind, or is cutting off our friendship once I get back? I have no idea. I can't get hung up on stupid details.

 

But at least she is making herself better too, and regardless if we get back together or not, we'll be stronger people.

 

She also told me that there is a blizzard coming on Christmas, and she might be snowed in by herself. (She's originally from China, so has no family here and only a handful of friends in Boston and her roommate left for winter break) I'm very tempted to call her up on xmas, for just 5 or 10 minutes just being friendly, because that might be very lonely for her. I know NC is the way to go. It REALLY contradicts my nature though. Do you think this might be an exception?

 

Thanks for the support, hang in there with your "break". I'm here to listen as well.

Edited December 23, 2009 by griffman

[lesoiseaux]

What I would guess she meant by "for now" was that she's not really trying to think about what will happen in the future. For now she just wants to try and be friends. I personally don't think she meant that she wants to end the friendship later...maybe she has a hope for reconciliation. But like you said, you can't focus on the details. Sometimes I think back on what happened and what exactly was said during my break up to try an analyze what exactly happened and what he meant, but I think I already know everything I need to know. No overanalyzing necessary...so it would help to do NC because ideally you won't be confronted with any little details to overanalyze.

 

I'm hardly an expert so I'm hesitant to give you advice as to whether contacting her during the blizzard is a good idea...I'm only 20 and this was my first breakup so I have almost zero experience under my belt. But my opinion is that you just have to be a bit selfish now...if you think contacting her will reverse any progress you will have made or make it harder for you to deal with the break up in any way, then I don't think you should. And besides, she was essentially the one to break it off so this is what she asked for. You still can't be there for her if she wanted a "break" or breakup. It would be a good opportunity for her too...she can't always have someone to depend on if she is in a less-than-ideal situation.

 

I am like you, in that I am very kindhearted and don't want people to think I don't care. But just try not to think about what she is doing or thinking. She is a big girl and she needed this time apart, including time that she is snowed in in a city by herself. Of course she is still going to be on your thoughts but the goal is to eventually wake up an have a day where you do not think about her and just think about yourself and your own happiness. Like I said before try to think about it as a breakup and not a break. I'm still working on it but it will help you accept things. Or better yet, just don't label it. All you know is that you are no longer together and you need to take time for yourself. Enjoy your time in the Philippines, it is a unique opportunity I am sure.

 

And trust me, I know it is so much easier to give advice than to follow it. Everything I say you should do, I know I should do too. I hope some other people will reply to this thread to give you (and me) some more insight.

 

How old are you/your ex? Out of curiosity.

[griffman]

I just turned 23 and my ex is 24. I don't have the most experience in relationships, I had 2 serious relationships and a couple "micro" relationships previous to this one, but at almost 1.5 years this was by far my longest. What I keep telling myself though, is line from the movie Swingers - "The only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back, but you can't do anything to make her want to come back, you can only do things to make her not want to come back."

 

I have been dumped before, and it is really a hit to the ego more than anything else. I still feel that she is missing from my life, but only when I get past this need can I look back and truly decide if the relationship is worth pursuing, and if I'm willing to fall in love with her again (with more control and consciousness that time around).

 

I guess I'm afraid that she will find someone else, she is a very attractive girl and is approached by men all the time. She's also very friendly, and was a little naive about the intentions of some guys in the past. We would even be out together at a party or bar, and some guys would be talking to her. Back then I knew she was completely innocent about it, and I was secure that she was into me so I never let it bother me. Now, 9000 miles away, sometimes i let my insecurity get the best of me. She has told me time and time again that she really wants to concentrate on herself, and not be with anyone else and I believe her. But that's what she says now. Who knows, a drunken hookup one night when she's lonely might turn into something that will end our chances all together, even if she wanted to come back to me.

 

I'm still a little traumatized since my girlfriend before my current ex started another relationship within a couple weeks of our breakup. She also got subsequently pregnant with this guys kid. Now she's a single mother. She was a nut job anyway, and I really dodged a bullet there. But all my friends and my family really liked my most recent ex. We were great together and everyone knew it. Even if we move on, it is something I will always look back on and wonder what would have happened under different circumstances.

 

She always wanted to come back to New York to work, she only took the job in Boston because she needed to have a job for her visa requirements, and her options were limited in the recession. It's not even a job in her field and she hated it at first. It seems now that she might want to stay in Boston, which would really make chances for a reconciliation slim. But I can't really think about that now. I can't control her decisions or what will happen in the future. i think a big factor to her confusion is that she doesn't even know where she'll end up working. She even said during our "break" conversation that she might have to relocate several times in the future, and it's not fair for me to keep adjusting to her. What I have going for me though, is that we were both finance majors, and the biggest market for that is obviously NYC.

[lesoiseaux]

I know what you mean...I am so afraid my ex will find someone and fast. Of course I think he is charming, good-looking, smart, etc. so I feel like girls will be all over him. He also told me that dating other people isn't the main goal of this time apart but I realize that it could just as well mean that he will date other people. I know I could date other people too. I believe that neither he nor I are ready for a real relationship, though, so sometimes to make myself feel better I realize and remember this. And besides, maybe it's better for us to see other people. It's interesting because I feel like if I see other people it doesn't mean anything, but if HE does then of course it means something. This is only because I cannot fully know what he is thinking. Griffman, sometimes I tell myself that if my relationship with my ex was everything I had thought it was and idealized it to be, then we will end up back together. If either you or your ex end up seeing someone else that may be not be the kiss of death for your relationship. But I would advise you to try and not view everything in terms of getting back together I just don't want you to feel even worse if your hopes end up not being fulfilled...

 

Who knows, the way you view your previous ex may end up being the way you view your current ex. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean that time apart can really reveal things.

 

For me the mornings are the worst. I think I have dreams at night about him...and in my dreams it's not that we're getting back together it's that we were never apart. I feel like maybe my self-consciousness hasn't accepted it yet or realized it yet. So when I wake up I just feel strange, and he is the first thing on my mind. I'm really glad I can post here, it gives me at least a little bit of relief.

 

Please feel free to talk here, it really helps me a lot and I hope it helps you too. It's hard for me to imagine that anyone else is going through the same things or feels the same way as I do but I know it's true. Hang in there...I'll try to do the same.

[griffman]

I feel the same way. Of course being in the Philippines I am very uninterested in pursuing any kind of relationship, not even casually hookups or anything because it would obviously just be an escape. I get alot of attention from the girls here, but for some reason I am just not interested in responding to them. You're absolutely right about trying not to be too hopeful for the future. I was talking with my father on the phone not too long ago, and he said, "look, she could just find another boyfriend and go, it's possible" It was not what I wanted to hear, but it was what I needed to hear. I have to start accepting this as a possibility. I know she's not that kind of girl though, especially with the kind of connection we had. Anything within this time period would be a rebound, and if she did decide to do that I feel that it would show me she didn't have much respect for our relationship or at least didn't view it the same way as me. It would be very hard if I came back to the states to realize she had already found someone else. It would really make my interviewing and job hunt a lot harder with that on my shoulders. I keep replaying in my mind over and over again how my first few dates with her are going to play out. You're right, if we were really meant for each other then it will happen.

 

I'm so glad I'm not the only person who feel this way. When I wake up in the mornings it really hurts. It's a very sharp depressive state, and it eventually numbs over for most of the day until i fall asleep and it happens all over again. I don't know if my subconscious really knows that it's over, no matter what I keep telling myself throughout the day, or if I am just overreacting and it's not as bad as it seems. Its almost like a withdrawal symptom. When I tihnk about it, you could say that i was addicted to the relationship and those feelings of security knowing I had a smart, beautiful, and sweet girl. This was the problem. I think it just has to do with my addictive personality and in a way I lost control of myself and "abused" our relationship until it became unhealthy for both of us.

 

I can't imagine she's going through the same thing, I wonder if she hurts at all? Early into my trip she would say she missed me so bad and things like that. But maybe after a while she had to cope with this pain, no matter how much I called or messaged. And maybe her way of coping with the pain was detaching herself from me. She might not even know she was doing it. I guess above all, this experience is making me more mindful of things instead of reacting so harshly to her coldness and what seemed to be a lack of interest, I should have realized why she was doing it.

 

I don't know if I mentioned it before but I said some really bad things to her during the last few weeks of our relationship. I told her she was a terrible girlfriend after she blew off a video chat appointment to drink with coworkers. And it seems everytime we got a chance to talk I was just so pushy and spit poison at her for not being there for me. I keep beating myself up over this. I had a right to feel the way i was feeling, but doing what i did just pushed her further away and to the point where she wanted a break.

 

I feel like maybe she was insecure, an the things I said really brought those out. When I called her a terrible girlfriend, it was a reaction to just one event but maybe she took it to a whole other level to all aspects of the relationship. She said that as soon as I found someone better that I would just leave her. She didn't think she could take care of me, she said she didn't cook and didn't tihnk she would be a good long term partner. She said she was just a spoiled kid. To this I said, It's not a matter of finding someone better or worse, it's you, I could never find you again. I think this really touched her. This was during our first break conversation, the one where she said she wanted to get back together when I got back.

 

This is why I think she told me she wouldnt mind if I dated or slept with other girls, maybe it was a defense mechanism and she already thought I had lost interest in her and was pursuing other girls. Part of me wants to just tell her how much I appreciate her, and would never leave her, etc. But I really don't want to be a wuss and just look desperate or needy.

 

Lesoiseaux, do you think an apology is in order? We are already on good terms and I don't want to break NC, but I also don't want these things I said to her to linger in her mind until we speak again. I apologized during a video chat but I don't know if she took it sincerely. I just feel so terrible that I said those things. This is another way the break has helped me, realizing that I don't understand the power of my words has over other people. I don't mean to hurt people, just to let them see how I feel. But sometimes my words are very hurtful, and abusive. I have already called my family and apologized for some of the things I said to them in the past.

 

Here is a snippet of the letter I was going to send to her:

 

Don’t worry about being a good friend to me right now. You were and are a great friend, but like you said before, right now we just need time to ourselves to develop and grow individually. This time alone is really helping me reflect and mature, and I’m sure it is helping you too somehow.

I just want to tell you that I realize some of the things I said to you these past few weeks were hurtful. I didn’t mean to call you a terrible girlfriend or to push you so much. You were a good girlfriend—always kind, supportive, and patient. It must have made you feel really bad when I said those things, and I am truly very sorry.

Don’t worry about me, just concentrate on yourself and your career; I am doing the same. We’ll catch up sometime after the holidays.

Please let me know what you think, or if I should do it at all. Maybe I should just wait until we see each other again so that it's face to face. I feel like its the right thing to do, but I just don't want to come off as weak. Thanks so much for you support, Lesoiseaux, I'm glad there is someone else out there. If you ever want to chat on aim, my sn is griff6442.

[lesoiseaux]

I know advocates of NC would tell you not to send that letter, and I am a believer in NC. However, I feel like if this is something you really feel you need to do, then do it. Like I said before I'm hardly an expert but I think the letter you wrote would do the trick--nice and short. I don't think you will come off as weak since you are not begging her for a second chance or anything like that.

 

I like what you said about rebounds. I worry about whether he will meet something amazing who will make him feel as though a long-term relationship is the right thing to do, something I don't think he ever felt with me. It is true, I think, that if either of our exes finds someone within a short time frame (not quite sure what I mean by "short," however) then they really didn't have much respect for the relationship or they never felt the way we had thought.

 

It's good you are reflecting. I have been too. For me, I think the problem was that I got too caught up in our relationship. I was always hesitant to let him go out and do the things he liked to do simply because it meant less time he would be spending with me. I think I gave so much but in certain ways I was just so selfish. I know we can't blame ourselves, though. I know you are giving yourself a hard time for your words but you cannot shoulder all the blame, it's just not good for your sanity or your health. Today I had a better day, I didn't think about it as much as I did yesterday. Of course it still came up but I think I am just getting used to the fact that we are no longer together. I think you will reach that point too, but we both still have a long way to go. I have already realized so much in the past few days...it hasn't even been a week since the breakup! I would advise you not to dwell too much...it's good reflecting and sometimes it really helps me sort things out, but I've noticed that at least for me, thinking about it sometimes just makes things harder and I feel happier when I don't. I realize I can't overanalyze things too much...am I healing yet, how am I feeling, when will I feel okay, how should I be reacting, etc. Sometimes I think about those things too much and so I've decided just to do whatever makes me feel happier. For some reason I feel "obligated" to think about the situation but I've realized that's not at all an obligation!

 

Try to enjoy the holidays, I think with the new year coming up it's a good time to have an attitude of a new start. Not to say that neither of us will ever get back with our exes but there's no use in clinging on to hope (not that I'm saying you are, I'm just saying)...this is time for us to grow and mature, become more independent people.

[adamt]

Long distance relationships are hard to keep going. if one person is not 100% commited then it is hard to work out. going on my experience of a LDR, she just doesnt have the motivation to want to put the effort in. When 1 person is away from their main place of residence then the other person prefers to just focus on their small circle in their local area. Just don't blame yourself in this. I think she is just making up excuses to let you down lightly and she hopes you will get the message an just move on without any hassle. then she doesnt get a hard time

[griffman]

I think in every relationship that there is always a degree of imbalance in love. One person is usually more enamored with one than the other. In my case, my ex came on strong in the beginning of the relationship. As the relationship progressed and my life became more uncertain and her career began, I started really clinging to the security I found in her instead of facing the big issues I was hiding from. Exactly a year ago, about 4 months into our relationship, she visited her family in China for the holidays for a month. In this time, she got really upset with ME for MY lack of communication. Not as upset as I got with her these past few weeks, because in this case it happened again and again and it was over a longer period of time with a long way left to go. So there was definitely a shift in "need" I guess. And I realize now, that I was never disinterested in her during this time, I was just living my life and trying to distract myself from missing her with friends. Wow. It does wonders for me to observe something like this and see what distance can really do to the psychology in a relationship on both ends. That time apart really kicked our relationship into high gear, made us stronger. Maybe this time apart will as well (I know, I really shouldn't think this way)

 

I know what you're saying about maybe being selfish in the relationship. I was very giving and loving to my ex as well. But when I look back at it now, it's almost as if I had a hidden agenda and didn't realize it. Whenever I gave her things or did things for her, I think deep down I was expecting something back from her, whether it was love or attention or whatever. Whenever I said, "I love you", I think I was more concerned with getting that love back, or the comfort and security of hearing "I love you too"

 

So I'm taking this time to really become a more giving person. But one who gives with no expectations. When the focus is reciprocation, then that mindset will always lead to disappointment and suffering. And the funny thing is, when you give without expectations, it always comes back to you somehow in my experience at least. I don't know if you feel the same way about yourself, but this quality is a very good one no matter how you look at it.

 

If there's one thing I can say to you, it's that you are in a very good position. You're going to France soon, and if there is anything that enables you to grow, mature, and see the world and life more clearly it is traveling and immersing yourself in another country. This semester abroad will do wonders for you and it will be a life changing experience. I know, I have to follow my own advice. Maybe if this break happened before I left, I would have gotten more out of these past 2 months. And trust me, I know how hard it is to let go of your ex, but he is in a previous stage of your life. You are now progressing to another stage in your life and to do that, you have to let go of the person you were before, and him. It's painful, I know. But in order to be reborn, first you have to die.

 

I am finally starting to see how great this experience in the Philippines is for me. I'm still in the process of letting go of her, but there is so much fulfillment in my job and my surroundings that supports me to move on and grow. It's a very fulfilling job, I work for a microfinance bank and interact with the poor almost everyday to help them. All last week i was driving a motorcycle through the Filipino countryside for hours each day to collect loan payments from clients and give orientations to other prospective clients. Who else gets to do something like this for their first job out of college?! Sometimes I have to sit back and realize how lucky I am, and you should too.

 

There was a reason you decided to go to France and it was the right one. You probably knew deep down that there might have been issues with the relationship when you signed up, but you chose the path of independence and growth. Good for you. When I look back on myself, even though my ex and I were happy before I left, there was something missing in me and I knew that I would have to make great changes in order to find it. It was hard leaving someone who had such a profound effect on my life, and letting go of her now is even worse. But I'm here now, and her absence has forced me to do what I came here to do. Grow.

 

Have a great holiday. As hard as it may be, you are on the right path as well.

[lesoiseaux]

LDRs are really difficult...I've only done it during summers apart and even 3 months was hard, even though we were in the same state.

 

Thanks griffman, it's helpful to hear those encouraging words since I'm not feeling so great right now. I don't know what it is exactly but I knew I felt strange that I had been feeling relatively OK with everything, so in a way feeling sad is a relief.

 

I'm glad to hear you are going to make the most out of your experience. That really sounds like an amazing job, especially first one out of college...I'm only 20 and am graduating in 1.5 years so the task of finding a job upon graduating is a bit daunting! Anyway, I don't know if I've said it before (probably, I tend to repeat myself) but this breakup has made me realize a lot of things. I still mope a bit sometimes and feel sad...kind of like now...but I need to try and remind myself about my own growth. It sucks how that when people reassure me, they always talk about how I'll find someone else...I just don't feel like I want anyone else I know I can't think that way but what can I say.

[HLP234]

We all have been in similar situations. My gf and i started in a Long distance relationship and now she moved closer to me. Now she wants a break because she doesn't know what she wants and obviously its something to do with problems from her past boyfriends and how she never took time to herself to clear her head.

 

Apparently, I did nothing wrong but now she realizes she should of taken time to herself, because before me, the other guys always seem to hurt her and I haven't done that or meant to do that.

 

To me it always seemed like when she was done with one person, she always had someone else that she was talking to in order to feel better, and then she would date them. That's a problem because now she's been talking to her best friend about stuff and I'm the one that is hurt since it seems like they are getting real close and she is just using this "break" to let me down easy.

 

Its definitely not easy for us, its easier for them because they can get over it much quickly, especially if someone new sparks some sort of interest. But like others said on here, if they really cared and loved you, would they really need a break from you, even in the hardest times?

 

Just continue NC like I'm doing now and hopefully you can heal and if she decides or realizes something and comes back to you, than you can make a choice. Just don't keep in contact with her because that will cause you false hope.

 

She's not realizing its false hope, she thinks its being caring and friendly, but that's because this is what she wanted. If at anytime you feel like you are being pulled along just do NC and forget her as much as you can.

 

Its hard because you don't want this, you want to be with her but there is nothing you can do.

 

In my case, she made me get so attached to her and now all of a sudden just because things seem "too right" to her I guess, she needs time to herself..that just says she's unstable and this type of problem will always occur in all of her relationships, no matter how interesting the person may seem at the beginning.

[griffman]

lesoiseaux,

 

I know exactly how you feel about not wanting anyone else, I am going through the same thing. What helps me is convincing myself that although my relationship was great and I accomplished great things with her by my side, maybe it was something I just needed at that point in my life to grow, and now I need something else. It was obvious well before we took a break that a relationship was distracting us from what was most important, our careers. We both needed to have some intimacy with ourselves at this point. You can't really love someone unless you are comfortable with who you are and where you are going. After this phase of life, maybe the people that me and her develop into can learn from and love each other for another phase. Who knows?

 

One thing I learned from my breakup before this one is that when you are ready, then the universe will bring someone to you, and it might be from where you least expect it. I was all beat up about that break up before this one, going through alot of the symptoms and emotions that are plaguing me now. I never envisioned dating my ex, we were housemates and just good friends. I wasn't even that attracted to her, although she is stunning, she just seemed too naive and adorably clueless. But it turned into the most significant relationship in my life so far. And when I entered into this relationship, my previous ex came back to me! After all those months of feeling worthless and like i couldn't live without her, she came back. But then I realized, that I didn't need her, and my new gf was much better for me. Just a wave of realization hit me. It wasn't even like my old ex knew I was dating, but she could see how powerful and confident I was again.

 

Now I convinced myself that my ex was the "one" because it just seemed too perfect. It is my fault that I lost control of my self and fell as hard as I did because I set myself for something like this again. But I take comfort in the fact that something better is on the way, I just have to stick to improving myself and it will come when I least expect it. It might be another girl who is better for me now, or it might be my ex, realizing she wants to make it work and change. I don't know, and there is no use thinking about the future because I will be a different person by then.

 

This realization will come to you too someday. It may take some time, but it will come. I promise.

 

"Somehow, they know not to come back until you really forget." -Swingers

[griffman]

HLP,

 

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through a similar situation as me and lesoiseaux. It really sucks, there no other way to put it.

 

Yeah a break should just be treated like a breakup. Whoever initiated it has already made the decision to move on, but is leaving a door open to come back when they realize what they took for granted. Like I said to lesoiseaux, in my experience my exes have always come back. And when this happens to you, at that point I am 99% sure you will be over her. So you will have the power to decide if it is worth falling in love again, if differences can be accepted, and if she is willing to change. SO the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back.

 

I really have to start following my own advice. it is so easy to be objective when your it is not your feelings which are involved.

 

I've been keeping myself busy by getting into astrology but it might just be making me worse. Astro.com is a great place for in depth astrology readings. I keep looking up my horoscope stuff and hers, our relationship compatablilty etc...One of the things i found that is really interesting is a snippet from our relationship horoscope:

One warning, particularly for love relationships and marriages! At times you both will feel that everything is collapsing and that the whole relationship is over. With a strong Pluto, this may simply mean the beginning of a major change; when it is complete you may enter a new phase that will be better than ever for both of you. Try to be patient when such crises occur.

 

It's not healthy to think this way, but sometimes astrology has been dead on accurate for me. It's just so hard to let go of her, especially when it seems astrology is urging me to wait just a little longer.

[CentralJersey]

I wont go through my whole LDR story, as it's posted on the thread "Out of the Blue".

 

Overall, I think no matter what the exact situation was: you acted insecure, she did something wrong, the distance was a problem, you didnt care for each other the same, etc...things really do work out for the best. And they dont work out for the best because of fate of some grand plan that the universe has...they work out for the best because people sooner or later will make logical decisions that lead to positive results. Even if you initially make poor decisions (ex. constantly calling, begging for another chance, etc), you eventually will come around and move on and make good decisions.

 

I believe that one of the biggest factors in the success of relationships is timing. Where you are in your lives, where your careers take you, and what new goals and interests you develop during your time together. If things dont work out, then eventually you will meet someone else where the situation is right. I believe there are plenty of people our there that anyone can be compatible with and timing is the key factor in where things go once you meet one of these people.

 

Clearly, this mindset is easier to talk about than to follow through on. I have been through a couple of breakups before, and I'm not sure that it really gets easier or that each one is slightly different. What I do know is that things eventually work out...sometimes when you least expect it. I really thought that my relationship was going great, we were each putting in the right amount of effort for the LDR to last, and that we would spend our lives together....and then she shocked me telling me she 'just wasnt into it anymore'. As much as it hurts, I have no choice but to move on. She will still be away for another 2.5 years...maybe in other circumstances we could talk things through and work on it...but the timing for that is not good in my case.

 

I dont know if in 2.5 years we will still even be in touch or will somehow reunite...but I will definitely not be contacting her or have any hopes of that. I love your quotes from Swingers...that is the best movie to watch after a breakup...and it should be watched multiple times. This forum is helpful as well...because it is easier to give advice to others than it is to follow your own advice...but as you read the posts on here, you realize that everyone's situation is different, but they are all going through the same thing...and I think it helps you follow your own advice.

[ginyi1111]

Hey guys,

 

First of all a Merry Xmas to everyone. I have been reading the posts in this forum and feel compelled to reply to this thread as I am going through something similar myself.

 

I'm sorry to hear that there are other people that are going through this sh*t but at the same time I'm comforted to read the advice that has been posted here.

 

I always have a feeling that the problems that we are facing i.e. NC or no NC is a case of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Personally I dont have much experience with men and I am constantly baffled by their reaction because they doesnt seem to make much sense to me.

 

I think in break or breakup situations women are more emotionally driven and therefore are more open to the idea of getting back together because if they really had genuine feelings for you it will be hard for them to turn away from that (unless they have been swept away by Brad Pitt!). I am not too sure about how men will react to reconciliations after a breakup especially a LDR.

 

My bf (or should I say my ex?) broke up with me after being together 10 months on Skype just after 2 days he went back to Europe. He came to visit me for 2 weeks on my birthday (I'm Asian) and he never showed one single sign that he couldnt handle the distance anymore. We were living together for 5 months before he had to go back to Europe after his assignment here ended and we only had been doing long distance for 6 months which in that span of time we had visited each other twice. He said the reason he broke up with me was the distance but when I asked for more time so that at least I can try to find something in Europe, he still said no! From the day he broke up with me he had not been in touch at all, ignoring my messages and my emails, leaving me no choice but to do NC myself. The thing that sucks is that I still have to handle his work mails from Europe.

 

Sorry to have hijacked this thread but my point is that I believe that NC DOES work provided that the s/he really loved you and even if a better person comes along it's just not YOU! So there is really nothing much that we can do except to concentrate on ourselves at the moment, clawing through each day and try to be happy on our own. I agree with what CJ said about that it doesnt matter what the exact situation was, if the other person was already feeling a certain way about being separated from you the end result would still be the same. If you hadnt acted insecure and possessive, there still would be other triggers.

 

For myself it is a constant roller coaster ride. On days I would have the kick a$$ attitude rocking to 'So What' then crashed back to Earth sobbing my heart out when some Kelly Clarkson song comes on the radio. I truly love him and want to be with him when he turns old, fat and bald. But I HAVE to believe that I will be ok, and make myself believe in that line 'If you love someone, set them free'.

[lesoiseaux]

I really am glad more people have responded to this thread. Merry Xmas everyone, I know we're going through a difficult time but just lean on family and friends right now and try to realize how much you do have. Maybe we are all having trouble with that because we put so much into our exes, we forgot everything else we had. I don't know if that's the case with everyone but that definitely is the case with me. I think about how I was before I met my ex and I remember how independent I was. I do not regret at all the time with my ex, but I want to feel that independence again.

 

It's 7:45 this morning and I woke up in bed, couldn't help but think about my ex/the whole situation and just couldn't fall asleep again. Trust me, I'm not one to typically wake up at 7 in the morning so this just really sucks. I had a dream where we were separated for some reason or another, but once we saw each other again we got back together. It was weird, though, because in my dream it wasn't very breakup-y (by which I mean emotional).

 

It really is helpful to not only know that other people are going through the same thing but to be able to talk to them. I wonder if any of you also grapple with thinking about the past...for me that's a slippery slope, I try really hard not to because I know the pain it will make me feel, but at the same time I can't help it. Either some things immediately remind me of my ex without my even trying, or I am just so tempted to think about the days before the breakup. I like what ginyi1111 said about "clawing through each day." That's exactly what I feel like I've been doing. I'm so desperate for a time when I don't think about this anymore...but at the same time I don't want to let go of him. I feel so conflicted, does anyone else feel the same way?

 

I feel like I can't even watch 'Swingers' because we once started watching it together. I haven't been able to watch anything except South Park and random crime TV dramas because they don't deal with relationships...is Swingers really a good post-breakup movie?

 

And again, Merry Xmas and Happy Holidays to everyone...thanks for the support.

[CentralJersey]

In my opinion, Swingers is a really good 'I gotta move on' movie.

 

I also want to comment on what you said about independence...hopefully it's helpful. I was always pretty independent, as was/is my ex. While we had a lot in common, we had separate interests and friends...which in my opinion is very healthy. In my situation, we had only spent about 10 days together over the past 4 months...so my daily routine (other than 5 minutes on the phone in the am and a longer conversation most nights) did not include her.

 

My point is that I had independence...what hurts is the void that now exists...just knowing that you have a best friend out there and someone who you plan on spending your life with...even if you are not currently together all the time. I think filling time you spent with your ex is one thing, but the emotional void is there regardless of how independent you were/are...and it really does suck.

 

Regarding the memories and holing on; I think it's hard to control what you think about. I dont think you should try to forget about all the good memories you had. While sometimes painful, you need to remember the things you liked so that you do not settle for less in the future. In terms of letting go, you have no choice. You have to let go and have NC. If they happen to come back, then you evaluate how you feel then. Letting go takes time...making the decision to let go today doesnt mean you wont love the person tomorrow.

[lesoiseaux]

I admire you for having been able to maintain such a healthy relationship in terms of maintaining independence. I guess part of the reason for me was that it was my first relationship so I just didn't really know...and I clung too hard.

 

I know I have to let go...it's just hard to reconcile with. And I think I just want to rush through this healing process (doesn't everyone?) but you're right, just because I make the decision to let go doesn't mean he doesn't mean or never meant anything to me. I guess I'm having trouble with the fact that I first have to distance myself from everything and think forward before I am healed enough to look back and remember the good times without feeling sad.

 

I hope that void will soon be filled for all of us, not necessarily by a new relationship but just by life in general. It's hard though because I feel like I'm happier in a relationship than single...that's probably unhealthy of me and I know that's something I need to work on, but that's just how I feel right now.

[CentralJersey]

lesoiseaux - It really sucks to go through this...this is not the first time for me, and I've been on both sides of it...and I dont know that it's much easier other than knowing in the back of my head that I've gotten through it before as have friends of mine going through similar things.

 

Also, I thought we had a good healthy relationship...and looking back I still dont see where the problems are (although it's been 4 days)...hopefully I'll figure it out down the road as it's frustrating not knowing what, if anything you did that was wrong...and if it was nothing that I did wrong, then I guess the LDR situation we had was too much for her...either way, as I and everyone always says on here...no choice but to move on.

[griffman]

hey guys,

 

sorry i've been neglecting this thread, ive been traveling around for the holidays. I felt bad because my family planned alot for me to have a good time on christmas and new years, and at some times i couldn't help but mope and feel sad. I would notice this the most around the dinner table, I felt so detached and alone from everyone and they could all feel it.

 

CentralJersey, you are absolutely right. There really is no choice except to move on. But for me at least, the line between moving on and having hope is very blurry. Sometimes I feel like I am soothing myself with the idea that it is very possible we will get back together. This way of thinking will definitely get me into trouble. But its hard when she texts me for a happy new year, and even texted my mother back in the states merry christmas. Is it false hope or signs that she might come back?

 

I've been having some extreme ups and extreme downs during this time. Last night I was a mess, but today and especially right now I am feeling pretty good. And its so hard when you are in either of these states to feel balanced or think realistically. It seems my good days and bad days are both delusional. I either feel that she is starting to miss me and when I make first contact with her things will start warming up again, or I feel like she's already moved on to another guy and has completely forgotten about me. Neither are completely true nor false.

 

I feel like in a couple weeks it would be ok to call her quickly to check on her. Just for about 10-15 minutes. I am a believer in NC as well, but I tihnk the fact that there is distance might change the situation a little bit. its not like if she was thinking about me, she could just text or call me to meet up. I'm 9000 miles away, and I'm just trying to gauge and feel when it is appropriate to contact her or else the gap between us will be too large once i return. I obviously will not mention or talk about the relationship or the status of it until we have met face to face at least twice.

 

lesoiseaux, I like what you said about emotional voids. it is so true. i was speaking with a friend of mine who also happens to be a counselor today and he said that when you enter a relationship you really give yourself to that other person in many aspects. But need can screw up even the most perfect relationship, especially if it is unbalanced between the two, and need is unavoidable.

 

I clung too hard as well, it happens. DOn't feel bad about it though. You fell in love, you didn't do anything wrong. Especially since it might have been the first or one of the first times you fell in love, you had no idea how you would be feeling in certain situations and the appropraite ways to act. Its all the learning experience. For me, I definitely will be able to have a much more mature and conscious relationship in the future, no matter who it is with. This breakup was the only thing that could have taught me that.

 

BTW centraljersey, where are you from exactly if you dont mind me asking? Back in the states I live in hoboken.