SophieA Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 My younger sister is getting a divorce. She was married at 20 (4 years ago. She is now 24.) to a man with a history of drug abuse. They went on a honeymoon. Enjoyed each other very much. Things were fine for a year. So we thought... He was using. He apologized, said he needed help yada yada. She got him help. He went to out patient rehab. Things were fine for a month. Then he started using again. Took out a loan on the title of their car. Used the $ for drugs. Again, she found out when a drug dealer called her cell phone looking for his $. Again, he apologized, said he'd do anything to keep her. He went to out patient rehab again. Things were good for about a year. Then he started using again. Took out cash advances on several credit cards and used the $ for drugs. She again stuck by him but told him this time if he didn't get himself together she was going to leave him. He went to in-patient rehab. Things were fine for 6 months. He started using again. He cleaned out their joint savings. Used the $ for, you guessed it, drugs. She's just informed me she's filing for divorce. PLEASE HELP ME HELP HER get through this. My heart is breaking for her. How can I support her? I have no idea how to support someone through a divorce. My parents and other sisters/brothers are all married happily. I've never experienced this before. Any advice is appreciated.
jmargel Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 The best thing you can do is to tell her 'When you are ready to talk, I will be here to listen'. When she does talk, listen. Don't interrupt her, don't talk about your experiences, make it about her. Try to make her understand that her ex-husband has a disease and though he didn't do these things to hurt her, he hasn't hit rock bottom yet. It's something this guy has to do in order for him to realize the priorities in life. That she can go through with the divorce with a clear conscious and not feel guilty about it. She will be on an emotional roller coaster especially since this guy knows how to pull her heartstrings. Encourage her to limit contact with him as much as possible and to possibly move up to where you are at.. Be her friend. If you were in this situation, how would you want to be supported? Try to get her to understand that she can't put her own self-worth into what has happened. These things were out of her control and the best thing she can start to do is to look after herself and to set short term goals. It's time she starts taking care of herself now.
floridapad Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 WOW Jmargel you hit the nail on the head. Great advice. I would add one thing. Perhaps you can guide her to LS and let her lurk for a while and post a thread if she gets the courage. There are people here with similar stories I'm sure who have been down this road and can offer great advice.
nobmagnet Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 ditto. my freinds and family could see and i choseto ignore it.Not drugs tho. hang in there please, she will need you. its painful I know.My sister in law has serious aniroxia. My brother has yo cope dayly with her abuse ( she is ill I understand that) its hell. Being patient and waiting is so important to them. Understanding and patience Is even more so. its a horrible thing to say but there is little you can do until she needs you. Our hands are tied. We as loving siblings just need to be there as a place to support them. i want a migic wand for all the helpless relatives out there but I aint. your lovely keep it up my love. crumbs of empathy with little judgement helps them i feel. hugs from a fellow loving sibling watching hell and no power xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Author SophieA Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Thank you all for your replies and if anyone has anything to add PLEASE do. It is HORRIBLE knowing she is hurting like this. Unfortunately she is living 3 hours away at this time but she will be coming here to spend Christmas with the family. She also hasn't told anyone yet except for myself and my mother b/c she doesn't want to ruin the holiday. I cry and cry at night knowing she's dealing with this.
Gunny376 Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 The best thing you can do is to tell her 'When you are ready to talk, I will be here to listen'. When she does talk, listen. Don't interrupt her, don't talk about your experiences, make it about her. Try to make her understand that her ex-husband has a disease and though he didn't do these things to hurt her, he hasn't hit rock bottom yet. It's something this guy has to do in order for him to realize the priorities in life. That she can go through with the divorce with a clear conscious and not feel guilty about it. She will be on an emotional roller coaster especially since this guy knows how to pull her heartstrings. Encourage her to limit contact with him as much as possible and to possibly move up to where you are at.. Be her friend. If you were in this situation, how would you want to be supported? Try to get her to understand that she can't put her own self-worth into what has happened. These things were out of her control and the best thing she can start to do is to look after herself and to set short term goals. It's time she starts taking care of herself now. As always? Ditto! Jmargel's always got great advice!
lkjh Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 its gonna sound mean but tell her on the future use some common sense in picking a spouse. She knew the guy was a druggie and she still married him. She knew exactly what she was getting Tell her she can now reinvent herself
nobmagnet Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 ouch IKJH jmargel, True and loving responce. i am so very very sorry for you all hang in there xxx hugs
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