kickintheaz Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I did it cos I woke up, yet again, ticked off, sad, annoyed that 9 months down the road it still feels like week 1.. I think this was the start of one of the 'bad' days I expect... anyhoo, she was glad to hear from me, she is having a strange xmas without me, she still 'thinks about me so much i'd be surprised'.. she was surprised to hear i not out partying all the time (one thing I've been thinking she is doing).. it was all very 'breadcrumby'.. giving and taking little hints and tips that neither of us are quite moving on very fast from the last few months.. and yet, it hasn't upset me or angered me more, actually I kinda feel a bit more content.. I don't believe there is 'hope' there again.. which I accepted a while back, i guess i got answers to questions I hadn't asked but had wanted to.. I just posting cos well, some of you have seen me thru the dark days and in through the self realisation process of who I am and what I have right now... and just wanted to share- not a 'setback', but a lapse in concentration.. i'm not gonna beat myself up for it tbh, I txt'd, replied and deleted and moved on with the day.. though she did just txt to tell me to check out her new pics on f/book.. I can't, we're not virtual 'friends'... I know now I've to get back on the NC horse and head for a different town.. but thats ok.. "Ambivalent" just came to mind.. maybe thats my word for today...
Kantor Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I did it cos I woke up, yet again, ticked off, sad, annoyed that 9 months down the road it still feels like week 1.. I think this was the start of one of the 'bad' days I expect... anyhoo, she was glad to hear from me, she is having a strange xmas without me, she still 'thinks about me so much i'd be surprised'.. she was surprised to hear i not out partying all the time (one thing I've been thinking she is doing).. it was all very 'breadcrumby'.. giving and taking little hints and tips that neither of us are quite moving on very fast from the last few months.. and yet, it hasn't upset me or angered me more, actually I kinda feel a bit more content.. I don't believe there is 'hope' there again.. which I accepted a while back, i guess i got answers to questions I hadn't asked but had wanted to.. I just posting cos well, some of you have seen me thru the dark days and in through the self realisation process of who I am and what I have right now... and just wanted to share- not a 'setback', but a lapse in concentration.. i'm not gonna beat myself up for it tbh, I txt'd, replied and deleted and moved on with the day.. though she did just txt to tell me to check out her new pics on f/book.. I can't, we're not virtual 'friends'... I know now I've to get back on the NC horse and head for a different town.. but thats ok.. "Ambivalent" just came to mind.. maybe thats my word for today... Feel your pain, I guess the only thing different between us here is that my ex won't even respond to me. Although I haven't tried anymore. Perhaps that is a good thing for me, doesn't allow for any hope, and I truly don't have anymore. Which again, is a good thing for my healing I guess. I still think/dream etc.. about her, and as many say you always will. All part of the healing process. Although if our pattern continues next week I will be the one texting and you can tell me about the lessons you learned from the week! Stay strong, things will work out for the better one way or another.
selena_cat Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 (edited) someone hasnt replied yet. was wondring about ya. dont worry,just have to take steps in whats better for you which is to remain in NC,i have a thread again on Coping those who just cant resist contacting the Ex on Chritsmas,you just have to let the situation breathe for awhile you cant drive a car with a flat tire. Let NC fix it. {eace Edited December 22, 2009 by selena_cat
Author kickintheaz Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 (edited) Feel your pain, I guess the only thing different between us here is that my ex won't even respond to me. Although I haven't tried anymore. Perhaps that is a good thing for me, doesn't allow for any hope, and I truly don't have anymore. Which again, is a good thing for my healing I guess. I still think/dream etc.. about her, and as many say you always will. All part of the healing process. Although if our pattern continues next week I will be the one texting and you can tell me about the lessons you learned from the week! Stay strong, things will work out for the better one way or another. You are right Kantor.. not trying means no hope.. unfortunately, hope has crept back into my life today, esp when she started txtin again tonight about day to day stuff, and how what she is watching would 'not be my cup of tea'... dammit.. this bottle of wine will lead to several minutes over analyzing today before i sleep!.. lessons learned? DON'T CONTACT THEM... regardless of the signals they give you, which unfortunately Kantor, are pretty vivid for you, which I seriously don't know how I'd deal with them.. give me breadcrumbs over complete nc from their side any day... things will work out for US for the better, how we want them.. not how they want us.. we need to focus on us right now.. we is doin ok in our respective situations.. but I seriously cannot wait for this month to be over.. xmas is a crappy time esp if ya spent last year with 'the one'.. onwards my friend.. and don't contact them.. let them come to you.. or not.... we have a few days of this crappy year left and then its all for us after that... Edited December 22, 2009 by kickintheaz
Author kickintheaz Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 someone hasnt replied yet. was wondring about ya. dont worry,just have to take steps in whats better for you which is to remain in NC,i have a thread again on Coping those who just cant resist contacting the Ex on Chritsmas,you just have to let the situation breathe for awhile you cant drive a car with a flat tire. Let NC fix it. {eace I DID reply Selena!! don't tell me I lost it, again!.. anyway this post summed it up.. back to NC now after a few meaningful/less txts tonight.. just read those threads.. VERY GOOD.. and slightly depressing, but true... thanks!!! " all I want for christmas is NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC" Did ya notice, If ya write NC x2 times ya get C CNN.. and they 'always tell the truth', so I guess the hidden message is that NC is the way to go!!!.. :D:D
Author kickintheaz Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 What happened to NC for us not for them =P *hands fly aimlessly over the keyboard stunned he made such an error..........* thanks for reminding me friend...
selena_cat Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 (edited) no I didnt get any reply at least to tell me what you thought of my situation thats ok,I'm already on NC,which to me is better than keeping in LC contact and going nowhere,hope it works out for you. Edited December 23, 2009 by selena_cat
Author kickintheaz Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 and then I got a christmas card from her today, wishing me "lots of happiness and excitment in 2010...lots of love, Ex" can't make a loaf of bread out of it though....
Kantor Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 and then I got a christmas card from her today, wishing me "lots of happiness and excitment in 2010...lots of love, Ex" can't make a loaf of bread out of it though.... Geez! I really hope that doesn't happen to me, although I doubt it, I'd be a wreck. Think we need to get you back on the original plan, NC for us, not for them anymore. Its time to do everything for you, and move on. You have to our 2010 will start out not so fun.
Author kickintheaz Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 Geez! I really hope that doesn't happen to me, although I doubt it, I'd be a wreck. Think we need to get you back on the original plan, NC for us, not for them anymore. Its time to do everything for you, and move on. You have to our 2010 will start out not so fun. ah not so bad, considering she txt out of the blue this morning to tell me something bout her dog which went on for 3 or 4 txts... I have a little goal set for me for sunday morning, if I haven't been in contact, be it initiate or reply then I get me a prize!!!.. then again, if she does send something over next few days, I may well reply, but only on sunday morning and only then if I am in a good place to send something short and to the point... i.e. "you too"... I guess I'm just a softie really and whilst my over the top, passionate about wanting her, feeling has waned a little, I do still love her so much and if she knocked on that door now and said "can we?"... well.. I'd give it serious consideration for about 6 seconds!!!.. what can I say?? I'm still a little but enough of those thoughts... theres presents to be wrapped (which I might add are all for friends kids I've never bought for before, but hey, she quite clearly wants me not to spend on her, and since xmas is about kids, what better way to 'honour' her rejection than a shedload of bright, loud, colourful, battery eating tat!!!) the little comms that is happening isn't really affecting me tbh, its not giving me hope, its not making me sad, its not really doing anything, I feel a lot better than a week or 2 ago, but not as good as a week or 2 from now..I guess it IS getting easier and acceptance is setting in, yes, it wavers now and again, but thats just part of this ride isn't it?! the card went up with all the others and I'll probably wet myself laughing next year when I open the xmas decorations box and there it is.... .. thinking back to those bad old days!! time for me to re read all my posts on here and review my journey, I know I can move onwards.. I must I must I must.. or as ya say this will drag into 2010 in a silly, 'I wish I'd done something about it sooner kinda way..'
HeavenOrHell Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Eek, after reading your first post in this thread I thought I bet he's got hope now he's broken NC. Argh! I don't know if breadcrumbs is better than them initiating NC, sure as hell doesn't feel like it sometimes, it just gets you looking for meaning in everything, I feel crushed a lot, sometimes it feels like I keep going back for more and am being repeatedly stabbed in the heart. Yeah Xmas is a crappy time now, spent the last 18 xmases with him. I'm fighting the urge to text him to see if we're meeting up, no doubt I will give in, bloody idiot. Roll on january, new beginnings. Good riddance to the worst year of my life. You are right Kantor.. not trying means no hope.. unfortunately, hope has crept back into my life today, esp when she started txtin again tonight about day to day stuff, and how what she is watching would 'not be my cup of tea'... dammit.. this bottle of wine will lead to several minutes over analyzing today before i sleep!.. lessons learned? DON'T CONTACT THEM... regardless of the signals they give you, which unfortunately Kantor, are pretty vivid for you, which I seriously don't know how I'd deal with them.. give me breadcrumbs over complete nc from their side any day... things will work out for US for the better, how we want them.. not how they want us.. we need to focus on us right now.. we is doin ok in our respective situations.. but I seriously cannot wait for this month to be over.. xmas is a crappy time esp if ya spent last year with 'the one'.. onwards my friend.. and don't contact them.. let them come to you.. or not.... we have a few days of this crappy year left and then its all for us after that...
HeavenOrHell Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 You had some hope yesterday but not today? hmm Join the club And why are you going to keep her xmas card until next xmas?! Sorry I'm so pedantic, someone shoot me! ah not so bad, considering she txt out of the blue this morning to tell me something bout her dog which went on for 3 or 4 txts... I have a little goal set for me for sunday morning, if I haven't been in contact, be it initiate or reply then I get me a prize!!!.. then again, if she does send something over next few days, I may well reply, but only on sunday morning and only then if I am in a good place to send something short and to the point... i.e. "you too"... I guess I'm just a softie really and whilst my over the top, passionate about wanting her, feeling has waned a little, I do still love her so much and if she knocked on that door now and said "can we?"... well.. I'd give it serious consideration for about 6 seconds!!!.. what can I say?? I'm still a little but enough of those thoughts... theres presents to be wrapped (which I might add are all for friends kids I've never bought for before, but hey, she quite clearly wants me not to spend on her, and since xmas is about kids, what better way to 'honour' her rejection than a shedload of bright, loud, colourful, battery eating tat!!!) the little comms that is happening isn't really affecting me tbh, its not giving me hope, its not making me sad, its not really doing anything, I feel a lot better than a week or 2 ago, but not as good as a week or 2 from now..I guess it IS getting easier and acceptance is setting in, yes, it wavers now and again, but thats just part of this ride isn't it?! the card went up with all the others and I'll probably wet myself laughing next year when I open the xmas decorations box and there it is.... .. thinking back to those bad old days!! time for me to re read all my posts on here and review my journey, I know I can move onwards.. I must I must I must.. or as ya say this will drag into 2010 in a silly, 'I wish I'd done something about it sooner kinda way..'
GrayClouds Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Kickintheaz what in the hell our you doing, is this really a healthy game to be playing?
HeavenOrHell Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 It must be Xmas making some LS'ers go a little bit crazy:laugh: Kickintheaz what in the hell our you doing, is this really a healthy game to be playing?
Author kickintheaz Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 Kickintheaz what in the hell our you doing, is this really a healthy game to be playing? GC/HOH... maybe I am gone a little crazy, but, and I not sure if I'll explain this right.. a week (or was 2) ago I had a LOT of hope.. I mean, I was sure the writing was on the wall re a reconciliation.. these last few days, yeah theres been breadcrumbs, but she has said a few things which if I'd heard them a week (or was it 2) ago I would've JUMPED FOR JOY :bunny:... now, I'm not.. I'm not overanalyzing every syllable of every word now, yeah I think into it a little, then hit delete! she may be havin a crappy xmas too, yeah she still thinks about me an awful lot.. ya know what.. I'd rather hear that and know its true than be sitting here tearing my hair out that theres another guy/girl/goat in her life.. wondering what she is doing, where she is, what she is thinking.. and I KNOW, that these are things we are not meant to think about.. however, can everyone here who has experienced heartbreak this year honestly say they are not thinking similar esp at this time of year? HOH you say above that you may give in, and presumably thats regardless of what ya read on here or people tell you.. if ya do, then you know there are consequences for you and the aftermath of that contact... but we each want to try our own things and see does it work, despite the fact we have written testimony that it won't!!! Look, this ain't a game to me, believe me, this is my life.. and yeah, getting involved in breadcrumbs can make the healing slower and the pain harsher... but, I know this girl, more than anyone else i've ever known, she knows how I feel, she should after 3 months of having it waved in her face, she knows how hard I took the rejection(s), she knows that this xmas is killing me and i just want it over with (theres still the family dinner with their 'advice' to get through first!).. she knows I don't want to be platonic friends and she knows that contact has hurt me considerably in recent times, and she knows she doesn't want to be the cause of that hurt.. so I ask myself, why the breadcrumbs? well, is she helping herself by keeping that level of contact? does she think she's helping me by having that level of contact? or is she so confused and mixed up that she doesn't know what she wants, but having some contact is maybe, like me, pushing the pain farther back, if only for a little while.. and maybe helping her figure out what it is she wants.. My heart doesn't jump every time a txt comes in now these last few days, I read it and i may or may not answer it straight away, depending what I am doing.. and that is a HUGE leap forward for me, there were weeks when I was starting to reply and I hadn't even read her full msg.. I know I can control how I approach this interaction now, I know I can just not reply to a txt of hers and am happy that the conversation is over.. I am happy I can go through the next 3 days and NOT initiate any contact and in fact, if or indeed when I receive any, I will read em, delete em and yeah, more than likely reply, on sunday when I back home.. And as to the contact, from mid october to about a week ago, I was the one who initiated every contact right up to the other morning in my post above. and she responded each time. The other evening, she started it again, this morning she started it, she sent the card yesterday I got today... hmmm, maybe she's turning into me (maybe she needs to come on here and get her az whupped too!).. I could write volumes on why this sudden change in her, but whats the point, I barely understood what she was thinking when I was with her, in a happy place, never mind now! I think bottom line.. Yes G/C this could be a highly dangerous game I am playing.. But, I feel stronger about it all.. I have been keeping busy and that ache in my chest is gone a bit, I'm not crying into my dogs coat every evening, or waking up hoping that there is a comet heading towards my house.. I am not walking round the shops pointing at things going 'ex loves that'.. (which, btw, tends to confuse shop assistants) I realised many things about myself these last few weeks, most of which I posted around this forum.. cos it helps to get it out (and re read them), I know that now I'm not coming on here looking for the nuggets I desperately needed 2 weeks/2 months ago to fix everything, I am grateful that people are checking in and asking the questions that I ask myself too.. I'm viewing LS slightly differently now, in the early days it was for a HELP ME COME UP WITH A MAGIC FORMULA TO FIX THIS plea.. now I can come on here, share what I need to and sometimes I get questioned on my actions,. sometimes I get a little nudge that I goin down the wrong track, sometimes I get a big kick.. so I just wanna continue to share with ye, it may help someone else, I know reading ye guys helps me... maybe, as HOH points out its cos its xmas (and a pretty crappy one too) but life has to go on.. if there is a surge in breadcrumb comms for a few days in the run up to xmas which dissipate again post 'big day'.. ya know what, I could handle that.. I know I can now.. and as to having hope.. yep HOH, I had hope yesterday, jeez the girl came out and told me what she told me and I couldn't help but have hope.. but its not the burning, pinning all my future plans, i have to go out and buy presents kinda hope I experienced a few weeks back.. its probably a lingering 'maybe' in my head.. but its not my focus now.. my focus IS me.. (despite what the wine typed the other night kantor!) I'm probably coming across now as a mental case.. but I haven't quite lost it.. (yet).. the pain has dissipated a lot, and I don't miss it, I can see a future for me, its not bathed in glorious light just yet, but its there.. its a bit more tangible than when I first came on this site.. so that must be some kind of healing?? and HOH, I keep all my cards from all my years, believe me, I have cards in a box that incl 'babys first christmas'.. I have cards from all my exes, its actually quite amusing, when in a better place, as I can trace the story of my life through them.. there are people in that box who are no longer a part of my life, be they exes, relatives I never see, friends who came and went.. and then there are the consistent ones, my friend I grew up with that I maybe see twice a year now, theres family of course, and every few years another name was added to their card as the kids were born.. this year we have an 11 month old joining us for his 1st xmas, then theres another babe on the way in january, and their names will be on the cards next year.. so keeping exes card, isn't a huge deal to me right now, she was part of my life and this may be the 4th and last card I get from her.. add it to the box and keep moving.. Don't despair of me yet please!.. I not a complete lost cause.. I'm in a better place than I was, but not the place I want to get to.. thanks for pushing the buttons to ask the q's that need to be asked!!!
HeavenOrHell Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 It's ok man, I'm not judging you, it would be a bit like pot, kettle, black Just looking out for you. We've all got to do what we've got to do, find our own ways though this, there's no one rule for all of us.
Author kickintheaz Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 It's ok man, I'm not judging you, it would be a bit like pot, kettle, black Just looking out for you. We've all got to do what we've got to do, find our own ways though this, there's no one rule for all of us. Thats ok Kettle!! i didn't think ya were, as I started typing I then wanted to put all I was thinking down on the screen, kinda helps me to read back over it and see where I am at...! sorry if I came across a certain way.. no offence intended.. indeed, find our own way, but its nice to have people to nudge and point the odd time, even if we don't listen!!!... hope you is doing ok... not long now til the 'noughteens' hit and then we can wave bye bye to '200crap'.... and thanks for having my back... could ya scratch it a little there between the shoulders pls.. I seem to have misplaced the person that normally does that!!!
HeavenOrHell Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 :laugh: No probs at all. My back's kinda itchy too Haha yes it's good to have people nudge and point even if we don't listen I'm just about ok at the moment, changes day to day. Stupidly wondering if me and the ex will meet over xmas, argh. I can't wait til january and get all the xmas jollity out the way. Thats ok Kettle!! i didn't think ya were, as I started typing I then wanted to put all I was thinking down on the screen, kinda helps me to read back over it and see where I am at...! sorry if I came across a certain way.. no offence intended.. indeed, find our own way, but its nice to have people to nudge and point the odd time, even if we don't listen!!!... hope you is doing ok... not long now til the 'noughteens' hit and then we can wave bye bye to '200crap'.... and thanks for having my back... could ya scratch it a little there between the shoulders pls.. I seem to have misplaced the person that normally does that!!!
Author kickintheaz Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 :laugh: No probs at all. My back's kinda itchy too Haha yes it's good to have people nudge and point even if we don't listen I'm just about ok at the moment, changes day to day. Stupidly wondering if me and the ex will meet over xmas, argh. I can't wait til january and get all the xmas jollity out the way. ha ha.. :laugh: well, like a baby taking up mountain climbing, ya learn every time ya fall.. I think the word 'ok' was invented for times like this, not too happy, not too sad... and 'had' sounds a bit silly.. well thats normal to wonder isn't it... ah yes January, the bleakest month on the calendar year regardless of the state one is in... gives us a whole 6 weeks to start seeing valentines crap springing up!!!.. D'OH... I'm gonna make it my mission, should i be alone for it, to burst every stupid heart shaped balloon I see... *gets his pin sharpener out*.. isn't it funny when ya single that ya take on a whole new outlook for all these holidays that are geared towards couples/familys etc... I'll not ponder on that too long though...
HeavenOrHell Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Oh please don't, valentines day, ugh! And everywhere I go at the mo there are happy canoodling couples:mad: Makes you wanna chuck. Bitter, jealous-moi?! Well we can plot revenge on those valentines balloons together Right, I guess I'd better tear myself away from LS and go to my cold, empty, lonely bed ha ha.. :laugh: well, like a baby taking up mountain climbing, ya learn every time ya fall.. I think the word 'ok' was invented for times like this, not too happy, not too sad... and 'had' sounds a bit silly.. well thats normal to wonder isn't it... ah yes January, the bleakest month on the calendar year regardless of the state one is in... gives us a whole 6 weeks to start seeing valentines crap springing up!!!.. D'OH... I'm gonna make it my mission, should i be alone for it, to burst every stupid heart shaped balloon I see... *gets his pin sharpener out*.. isn't it funny when ya single that ya take on a whole new outlook for all these holidays that are geared towards couples/familys etc... I'll not ponder on that too long though...
Author kickintheaz Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 Oh please don't, valentines day, ugh! And everywhere I go at the mo there are happy canoodling couples:mad: Makes you wanna chuck. Bitter, jealous-moi?! Well we can plot revenge on those valentines balloons together Right, I guess I'd better tear myself away from LS and go to my cold, empty, lonely bed when I see those happy canoodling couples I console myself with the fact that behind closed doors, they're probably arguing over who's house to goto for xmas, what order they should visit people in, WHY didn't you get that toy I asked you to get 6 months ago. who's gonna drive xmas day and who's gonna drink cos 7 out of the last 16 yrs I'VE driven... the list goes on... me, I'm kinda a little happy knowing I've only to look after me, that I won't get that bummed out look when I produce a box of sweets on xmas day instead of a ring, that I can goto bed not arguing with me and having someone toss and turn on me all night, but yes, the bed is cold and empty... kinda used to it now after 9 months.. she's gonna be a special special lady who gets to share it permanently!!!! have a nice night HOH.. 2 more sleeps and santy will be climbing down the chimney, who knows what surprises he's gonna leave for ya!
HeavenOrHell Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Yep! How true, no xmas arguments for us Let's hope santa gives us both some nice surprises, we're about due wouldn't you say?! Night when I see those happy canoodling couples I console myself with the fact that behind closed doors, they're probably arguing over who's house to goto for xmas, what order they should visit people in, WHY didn't you get that toy I asked you to get 6 months ago. who's gonna drive xmas day and who's gonna drink cos 7 out of the last 16 yrs I'VE driven... the list goes on... me, I'm kinda a little happy knowing I've only to look after me, that I won't get that bummed out look when I produce a box of sweets on xmas day instead of a ring, that I can goto bed not arguing with me and having someone toss and turn on me all night, but yes, the bed is cold and empty... kinda used to it now after 9 months.. she's gonna be a special special lady who gets to share it permanently!!!! have a nice night HOH.. 2 more sleeps and santy will be climbing down the chimney, who knows what surprises he's gonna leave for ya!
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