friends zone but with mixed signals

[snuggles302]

hi, new to this forum. hope to get some advice and see what your take is on it. I have been friends with a guy for a couple of months but things have got awkward since going out in group nights out. I didn't take much interest in him when we first met. He seemed to want to get to know me but I didn't say much. I just wanted to be friends with him at the begining and I felt comfortable talking to him but since one night out I have got very nervous around him even to sit beside him never mind talking to him I just choke up. ISometimes I don't know what to say. Is it because I like him? I don't think I fancy him yet as I don't know him well enough. He is older than me but doesn't seem as experienced with women as I thought he was or else he is just shy. He has asked me a personal question if I have a boyfriend I answered honestly that I don't. He is recently single. So I don't know if he is ready to date a girl yet whether casually or seriously. I think he has a hard time getting to know women yet he can tease me sometimes but can have a bundle of laughs with him all the same. He seems to have distanced himself from me or does not seem to want my company or is slow to make contact when talking yet he gives me these weird glances and sometimes very hard long stares not breaking eye contact. It is freaking me out when he does it. I'm not sure if its nervousness, anxiousness or its sexual tension that I am feeling when he gives me those harsh long stares and being still not batting an eyelid or moving and inch of himself. He is cute, nice features and other features of his profile that is pleasing to the eye! We do seem to share some interests, values and other things but as I'v said before still need to get to know him a bit better. I'm leaving it up to him to make the move because I want him to set the pace. If I make the move he might just run away. I know I should break the ice a bit more but don't know how to or what to say to him! I'm confused by all his mixed signals and still feel I'm in the friend zone or else not far from crossing it not certain how things could go with him. He seems to have said stuff about me to his friends though and they seem to make more of an effort to talk to me I don't know why.

please give me an insight as to what I could do? Whats your advice on the whole situation?

Thanks

[Yukikazi]

First things first...

Do you want to be his friend or something more. YOU need to decide soon or he will move on.

 

Based on that answer.. if the guy is shy, you WILL have to show that you are open to escalation otherwise he wont do it.

 

Its also possible he is picking up on your indecision and is holding back till he gets a more clear signal to proceed... you will have to provide that signal.

 

During the long stares.. who looks away first?

Does he try to touch you on the arms or back when he is talking to you? Does he apologize for accidental contact?

Is he just being polite and friendly or does it seem like more?

[phineas]

Whenever I tried to get to know somebody in a group situation & they wern't receptive I backed off & forgot about them.

 

I still was friendly to them, but I didn't hit on them.

 

it sounds like the OP friend-zoned him or he felt he was in the friend-zone?

[snuggles302]

First things first...

Do you want to be his friend or something more. YOU need to decide soon or he will move on.

 

Based on that answer.. if the guy is shy, you WILL have to show that you are open to escalation otherwise he wont do it.

 

Its also possible he is picking up on your indecision and is holding back till he gets a more clear signal to proceed... you will have to provide that signal.

 

During the long stares.. who looks away first?

Does he try to touch you on the arms or back when he is talking to you? Does he apologize for accidental contact?

Is he just being polite and friendly or does it seem like more?

 

I never thought that he could have picked up on my indecision about it. How these things move in mysterious ways. The thing is I'd like to be more than friends but feel we'd be better of as friends as I know someone else likes him. I sometimesthink I miss his signals and that he misses my signals I do give him. I don't know what signal that could prompt him to go for it.

I look way first. He has done both touching my arms and back when chatting but only a few times only when in a pub/bar/nightclub environment. He has never apologized for accidental contact. Honestly I don't know, I seem to think he is being polite and friendly when in a group environment but can seem like more when we are on our own in a public place. I haven't been on many dates with guys and only had one serious-ish boyfriend. Have been on the single market for a good while and not sure If I want to settle down yet but would be happy to go out with a guy casually or seriously if it feels right.

[snuggles302]

Whenever I tried to get to know somebody in a group situation & they wern't receptive I backed off & forgot about them.

 

I still was friendly to them, but I didn't hit on them.

 

it sounds like the OP friend-zoned him or he felt he was in the friend-zone?

 

what's OP? other partner?

[phineas]

what's OP? other partner?

 

Original poster.

sorry.

I forget not everyone is inter-linguistic.

Took me forever to figure out BS = betrayed spouse. LOL!

[phineas]

I never thought that he could have picked up on my indecision about it. How these things move in mysterious ways. The thing is I'd like to be more than friends but feel we'd be better of as friends as I know someone else likes him. I sometimesthink I miss his signals and that he misses my signals I do give him. I don't know what signal that could prompt him to go for it.

I look way first. He has done both touching my arms and back when chatting but only a few times only when in a pub/bar/nightclub environment. He has never apologized for accidental contact. Honestly I don't know, I seem to think he is being polite and friendly when in a group environment but can seem like more when we are on our own in a public place. I haven't been on many dates with guys and only had one serious-ish boyfriend. Have been on the single market for a good while and not sure If I want to settle down yet but would be happy to go out with a guy casually or seriously if it feels right.

 

does he know someone else likes him?

If not then perhaps he is the classic clueless male?

I'm clueless.

 

I can never tell if a woman is interested in me until she makes a move.

[Yukikazi]

Original poster.

sorry.

I forget not everyone is inter-linguistic.

Took me forever to figure out BS = betrayed spouse. LOL!

 

Umm yea.. it dosen't stand for Betrayed Spouse...

[Yukikazi]

I never thought that he could have picked up on my indecision about it. How these things move in mysterious ways. The thing is I'd like to be more than friends but feel we'd be better of as friends as I know someone else likes him. I sometimesthink I miss his signals and that he misses my signals I do give him. I don't know what signal that could prompt him to go for it.

I look way first. He has done both touching my arms and back when chatting but only a few times only when in a pub/bar/nightclub environment. He has never apologized for accidental contact. Honestly I don't know, I seem to think he is being polite and friendly when in a group environment but can seem like more when we are on our own in a public place. I haven't been on many dates with guys and only had one serious-ish boyfriend. Have been on the single market for a good while and not sure If I want to settle down yet but would be happy to go out with a guy casually or seriously if it feels right.

 

Women can smell hesitation, nervousness and lack of confidence in guys.. what makes ya think we can't do the same?

 

Ok so he does initiate touching.. do you at least mirror or or try to push it farther? Do you do anythign to encourage/discourage his touches?

 

As for the other person that likes him.. Who's happiness is more important to you? Yours or theirs? forget them.. if they want him they can make a move.. 1 of you will have to do it first.. to the victor go the spoils.. fortune favors the bold.. pick your cliche phrase.. its true.

 

Just return his touches and escalate them...

 

ASSUMING you want more.. since you don't know yourself I would advise against escalating with this guy till you know otherwise you are both gonna go down in flames.

[phineas]

Umm yea.. it dosen't stand for Betrayed Spouse...

 

well heck.

I was trying to come up with something off the top of my head.

oh well.

back to your regularly scheduled dateing advice.

[snuggles302]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I see what you mean by happiness. He is confident enough, he stood up for a friend of his who got in a spot of bother with a guy in a club for no reason at all. I don’t think he knows she likes him well all she said is that she thinks he is cute. But he keeps forgetting her name when we chat and he knew my name when he met her in the grocery store nearby and he asked for me. I have touched him on his shoulder and bare tip on his arm. Never encouraged or discouraged the touches! He poked his arm off my elbow and touched my lower back twice all in one conversation as if he had a reason to do so! I don’t want to get rejected either and become embarrassed. My friends think I should wait for him to ask me for my number etc. He keeps looking back at me though I walk behind him sometimes. I was having a chat with a group of girls and said a joke and they just laughed and he just had to turn around and see what all the laughter was about. He used to say hello to me but doesn’t seem to as much anymore. One night He kept staring either my legs or the floor another time it was like he was in a trance. I was wearing a dress at the time. Another time a friend of mine gave me chewing gum the mixed signal guy just grabbed it and put it in my drink! Talk about teasing! I touched his hair another time and he didn’t flinch! He isn’t much of a dancer either. I waved at him and smiled at him at a club and he had a serious look on his face but no sooner had a turned around he was in front of me on the dance floor but he didn’t dance i just danced away. His friend asked me if I lived near him but the friend gave me a quick peck on the cheek in front of mixed signal guy one occasion. He asked me and a friend of mine to a party but she spoke for both of us and declined i’m feeling sorry i didn’t go. A group of us were going home and haling a cab and mixed signals guy said he was meeting friends of his and he just ditched me and my friend as we were all going the same direction to go home plus we live close to each other, he came by once and he said he’d drop by again but i’v mentioned it to him and he realised he hadn’t yet he remembers details of me and about me from previous nights out. I’v one person that knows him that I like him and she was cooing about it! Then there is the added baggage that haven’t gone all the way with someone yet despite my age, i just haven’t been ready to do it with just anyone. I never told any of my family I had a boyfriend previously but mixed signals guy i’d be willing to introduce him cause he is the kind of guy my family and friends would approve of but when it comes to responsibility I don’t know, commitment not sure, respect for women he has and he is a gentleman and I say faithful yet he said that certain relationships don’t work out they never do? I just don’t want to be the rebound girl either! What do you make of all that? [/FONT][/sIZE]

[Yukikazi]

Well its a pretty safe bet he probably does like you but is a tad shy or uncertain if the feelings would be reciprocated.

 

Next time you are walking near each other.. wrap your arm around his (not hold his hand.. just take his arm the way women usually do).

IF you REALLY!!! wanna be sneaky.. take his arm as above but carefully maneuver your fingers on his wrist to feel his pulse.. once you got that.. start asking some of those revealing and somewhat naughty questions you want to ask and monitor his pulse when he answers.. if it goes faster.. he is getting nervous.. ask leading questions that don't allow for a yes or no answer.If you guys stop in line for a bar or anything.. snuggle up/lean against him while feeling the pulse.

This can all be accomplished platonic but his pulse will tell you if he considers it so or if its exciting him.

Ask him things of a more sexual nature.. if he is shy he will get flustered and his pulse will increase and probably start to "warm up" as his body temp rises.

Use innuendo and word play to turn things more sexual...

[snuggles302]

seriously I could not do that! i'd be mortified, i couldnt bring myself to do that. not sure how touchy feely he likes things. now i wouldn't mind putting my arm leaning it on his shoulder or wrapping my arm around his while walking like as if you'd mind someone when crossing the road. another night I was reachin for a drink and by accident he tipped me and the bottle hit my teeth, he apologized of course! we sat next to each other another time and i had my head lowered didnt make much eye contact with him and he scrachted his shoulder but barely tipped me when he did it. do you think he did it on purpose? he often opens doors for me as well. we were in a computer lab in college and he was helping a friend next to me but my mouse was at the otherside of his hand so i had to reach it without touching him. but he pulled his hand away then.

Edited December 22, 2009 by snuggles302
forgot letter in a word

[Yukikazi]

seriously I could not do that! i'd be mortified, i couldnt bring myself to do that. not sure how touchy feely he likes things. now i wouldn't mind putting my arm leaning it on his shoulder or wrapping my arm around his while walking like as if you'd mind someone when crossing the road. another night I was reachin for a drink and by accident he tipped me and the bottle hit my teeth, he apologized of course! we sat next to each other another time and i had my head lowered didnt make much eye contact with him and he scrachted his shoulder but barely tipped me when he did it. do you think he did it on purpose? he often opens doors for me as well. we were in a computer lab in college and he was helping a friend next to me but my mouse was at the otherside of his hand so i had to reach it without touching him. but he pulled his hand away then.

 

I don't care if you are mortified by it.. just ****ing do it already.

What would be so mortifying? You are holding his arm or his wrist.. you aren't jamming you hand down his pants on stage.

 

See this is what guys think about when women tell them to just show confidence. If you don't have it.. you gotta fake it.. its a catch 22

Confidence breeds success.. success breeds confidence

Just like

No experience no job.. no job.. no experience.

 

I still see no reason you can't escalate relations with this guy. You will just need to swallow your pride and get out of your own damn way.

 

You came here looking for help and advise on how to get things rolling.. so we are telling you. Did you expect all our advice to be within your comfort zone?

[boogieboy]

He backed off from you because you werent showing interest in him. You think you were but you werent. You were doing what you thought was subtle enough so you wouldnt feel rejected, but it isnt obvious enough for him. You dont want to be friends with him, and he will not be friends with you. He will eventually ignore you if you dont make a move that will let him know that you like him. Youre not in the friend zone, and he wont mind it if you touch him. You have to ask him questions to know more about him. Touch him more. If you want this to happen, you have to make more of an effort.

[Yukikazi]

Think about this...

 

Go read some of the other threads here by guys trying to pickup their girls.. We are telling them that if they don't show any real interest in a decent amount of time to walk away.

 

For all you know.. your boy is here asking the same questions and we could be advising HIM to move on since his girl (you) isn't making an effort.

 

But in your case, from how you describe things.. he is interested and does want you but you need to step up a little if you want this to happen.

Cause if he posts here tomorrow saying he is attracted to a girl that isn't showing him any positive signals that he can detect.. then its a 50/50 chance of us telling him to actually make a move or move on...

 

Feel like playing those odds?

[boogieboy]

I can predict the answer:

"I dont want to risk the embarrassment, I'd rather wait to see if he makes a move."

[snuggles302]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Basically bite the bullet yet i’m shy myself, he remarked that i’m quiet. He said one night that was as much as I spoke to him the most. I just told him I'm a very shy girl. I don’t know how i really feel about him or how he even feels about me. I’m still bamboozled (confused)! But need to think it over and be realistic about the whole thing. Won’t see him for a while with Christmas and all.[/FONT][/sIZE]

 

"it sounds like the OP friend-zoned him or he felt he was in the friend-zone?" meaning I friend zoned him?

 

so its a 50/50 flight or fight scenario of making an effort of going up a notch?

 

and yes I was going to answer that I am waiting for him to make the move and see what happens thats what my friends keep telling me so now the dilemma is that I have to give him a signal thats more than subtle.

 

Confidence can be an issue for me when things get complicated with the opposite sex. So what your saying if I don't make some kinda move he wont want to be friends with me at all anymore, so you'd think that's why he has cooled down with being friendly with me? In group situations in converstation it takes him a while to take notice i'm there though. He has a tendancy to repeat what I say sometimes???

 

So what do two shy people do to make it obvious that they like each other that isn't over the top?

[boogieboy]

If it isnt over the top, it isnt obvious. One of the shy people has to make an obvious move. You have to make it obvious and take a chance. You have to do something, he isnt going to be friends with you at all if he thinks you dont like him. Theres no reason for him to keep talking to a woman who he thinks doesnt like him. So you better make an obvious move quick. ALso, if he DOESNT like you, and thats the reason hes not making a move, hes STILL not going to be friends with you. So both ways, you lose out if you dont do something now.

 

I dont want to see you post that youre going to wait for him to make a move anymore, I want to see you post that youre going to take a chance and that you dont need his friendship if it doesnt work.

[Yukikazi]

So what do two shy people do to make it obvious that they like each other that isn't over the top?

 

You go over the top.. you cannot find the happy medium until you are aware of the 2 extremes.

 

You got extreme shyness down.. no problem

Now you need to experience extreme forwardness

 

Then you will find the happy medium that isn't "over the top"

 

You can't get on top unless you go over the top first