Is this really timing?

[Bedrock]

I am a 25 year old male who recently has gotten himself into a really really tough situation. There was this girl who was in a long term serious relationship throughout college that I first met around age 19. I thought she was absolutely gorgeous and we got along insanely well, but I knew not to cross the line because of her serious boyfriend. Well throughout college, we remained acquaintances and I even casually dated a few of her friends. Well fast forward to May of this year (2009), one of our mutual friends suggested I join her and some "single girls" at her lakehouse. I asked who it was, and she was included. So I got some background and it turns out she recently broke up with her ex of 4.5 years 2 months before. Mind you, just so you have the details, she is a very "good, conservative" girl, and he was her first and so forth and so on. So naturally I was sad for her but secretly excited on the inside. It turned out to be a great weekend, just having a good time, and her and I and the whole group turned out to get along real well.

 

So a few weeks go by, and we are all in group settings just hanging out, and its obvious that there is something there. One night, after alot of drinking and dancing, I went for it and kissed her. She kissed back and it was great. I dropped her off at home, hugged her goodnight, and went on. Naturally, people started to find out about the makeout and asking her whats up. She continually kept giving the "haha, yeah I'm just not ready for a relationship but he is cool and cute" routine. Also turns out I was the first guy she kissed since the ex. So while I am upset with the info, I just continue to hang out and we send flirty texts back and forth on occasion. A few more weeks go by and we have plans to go on a party barge for the 4th of july, then are heading in a big group to vegas the weekend after. Well the night before the 4th, we all go out to a concert and have a good time, its been about a month since the kiss and I am losing hope, but then sparks flew and we ended up kissing and she stayed at my house that night. We woke up the next morning, and headed to the lake for the party barge, and the flirting was out in the open and it was obvious something was going on. We stayed together each night in Austin (where the party barge was), and seemed to be in the infatuation beginning stage. I know she kept saying she wasnt ready, but were clearly interested in each other.

 

Finally, we all go to Vegas and it is more of the same. Things are going great and we are having a good time but still not defining anything until one night in the club she thinks she sees me kiss another girl. This did not happen, I actually stumbled trying to get HER a drink and bumped heads with a friend of mine. Well I got back to her and she responded with "hey, i know we havent talked much about it...but i thought there was something going on here and i just saw you kiss that girl." So after I calmly explained she was the only one i wanted to kiss in the club, we basically had a mini DTR where we admitted we had strong feelings for each other, but she still was unsure. I told her just let me take her on some one on one dates and just see how it goes, no need to label anything yet. Well we went on 2-3 dates and they went amazing, we found out there was some amazing chemistry, and after a few weeks we decided to be exclusive (for timeline purposes, this is the end of July now). So for the next 2-3 months, things are amazing, I am still trying to take it slow because I know of her past, but she begins to escalate to where I have met her parents after 2 months, all of her good, close friends, and we become more intimate physically (she waited 2.5 years for the first guy, she was starting to talk about sex with me after 2 months). I felt it was OK to stop pulling away so I dropped my guard and fully invested myself emotionally.

 

We are now at the end of September, and she goes home (an hour from where we live) for a wedding, and I think everything is fine and dandy. I talk to her Saturday night like normal, then get a text Sunday afternoon asking if we could talk. She calls me, and basically says the following:

"So I spent this weekend hanging out with my family and started to reflect on the last 3 months. And from the beginning I told myself I wasn't ready, and you were just some fun cute guy I liked to spend time with so I decided to not think about anything and let things play out how they were. This is the first time I have had a chance to sit back and think about what I am doing and I am scared that I am just not emotionally ready to get to where this relationship is going." OUT. OF. THE. BLUE. So I basically responded with a few snide remarks (glad i could be your rebound), and told her I am not going to talk her into staying with me. But I also told her I couldn't see us just being friends so I don't know what to do.

 

I immediately began no contact and heard nothing for about 3 weeks. Finally, I was starting to get told by many of my friends that they were running into her out, and she was asking them if they heard what happened, if they had seen me, what i was up to, and so on. So I took it upon myself to send her a text after about a month, asking if she wanted to meet up for dinner and talk about everything. She agreed. So at the dinner, we kept it very light, catching up on each others lives until we realized it was 3 hours in and we hadnt talked about anything. So we moved to a lounge down the street and began talking. She basically said that she had talked to her mother who had asked her if she was sure she had given enough time to heal from her last relationship, and she said she started to think like that and it freaked her out. We had a trip planned to LA and she said it was the first time she actually realized how serious the relationship was. She said when we first started dating, like I said, I was just some fun cute guy, she never expected us to click the way we did and she didnt know i would turn out to be "me". She said she called her ex a week before this dinner and finally got some semblance of closure. So I suggested, if she wanted, for us to start over, take it very slow, and just see what happens. She agreed, and we ended the night on a kiss.

 

So a week later we went on our first date the second time around, went well, was just a fun time and it again ended in a kiss. We spent more time on the phone talking to each other, getting to know each other in a way we werent previously because we both knew there was obvious baggage. Dates once a week continued for about a month, until it began to happen more frequently. Now (the middle of november), we go out on a friday and sparks are just all over the place, she says "it feels like we are practically dating again" and she stays at my house both times that weekend. I took her to a basketball game the following wednesday and kissed her good night and thought this is going amazing. We had planned to go camping that weekend, which is when, you can guess, the drama continued.

 

I pick her and a friend up to go camping, and we get out there and its great. Good times, flirting, and a good time until about 2 am. When its time to go to bed i overhear her friends say something along the lines of "remember what she said, dont let her stay in his tent tonight". So on the inside I am freaking out, but i dont say anything and go to bed. I wake up the next day and it is just different and distant. We speak about 40-50 words the whole day until i ask her if we can talk. We go into the tent and she does almost the same thing. She flips out again saying that shes starting to have the same feelings again, but shes just not sure if shes as ready for where this is going as I am. Continues to talk about how she has all these feelings still for me, she just is too unsure of her self as an individual to commit. Talks about how she hasnt been by herself to just experience life, and how she just wants time to be alone (she continually says "its not about me wanting to be crazy single or date other people, if i wanted to date anyone, it would be you". So I am heart broken and the second time around was 10x as hard because I was developing a real connection. She finishes by saying "I dont want to tell you to wait because its not fair to you, but I really do have strong feelings for you...and I know you dont want to be friends, and I dont think i can do that either...but I dont want to lose you out of my life."

 

So I naturally am crushed. I am doing no contact again for my sake (3 weeks again), but the second time we were trying, she said she was comfortable enough with us to be confident to buy a ticket and hotel room to join me and 30 of my friends in vegas for new years. She reached out to me last week to ask if it would be awkward if she still went. Trying to not show that I was crushed, I told her I didnt think it would be awkward at all and she decided to come. SO now I have that looming.

 

What is your general opinion on all of this? Should I believe her, or is this one big load of crap? You read everywhere that "I'm not ready for a serious relationship really means I'm not ready WITH YOU." Do you agree with this? I feel like I want to believe her because shes not exactly a bull****ter, and her reasoning seems solid with her past. Do you generally see things like this (timing issues) reconciling down the road? I am having an insanely hard time letting go, as the break up doesnt seem to be about incompatability. I almost think I am in love with her and it is killing me. I want her back, and I don't understand why she asked me to wait (seems cruel). Am I crazy for holding out hope? I have half of my friends telling me to just move on, the best way to get her back is to show her you are fine without her...etc....and I have the other half telling me "if she fell for you the first time, feelings are still there, you can drum them up again." Also, I really havent heard from her other than the Vegas situation, do you think she is just completely over it now? I havent heard from her and it is driving me crazy thinking she can just be over it that fast.

 

Any advice is GREATLY appreciated, and I am now going to ice down my fingers after typing this! Thanks!

[p01130]

I am a 25 year old male who recently has gotten himself into a really really tough situation. There was this girl who was in a long term serious relationship throughout college that I first met around age 19. I thought she was absolutely gorgeous and we got along insanely well, but I knew not to cross the line because of her serious boyfriend. Well throughout college, we remained acquaintances and I even casually dated a few of her friends. Well fast forward to May of this year (2009), one of our mutual friends suggested I join her and some "single girls" at her lakehouse. I asked who it was, and she was included. So I got some background and it turns out she recently broke up with her ex of 4.5 years 2 months before. Mind you, just so you have the details, she is a very "good, conservative" girl, and he was her first and so forth and so on. So naturally I was sad for her but secretly excited on the inside. It turned out to be a great weekend, just having a good time, and her and I and the whole group turned out to get along real well.

 

So a few weeks go by, and we are all in group settings just hanging out, and its obvious that there is something there. One night, after alot of drinking and dancing, I went for it and kissed her. She kissed back and it was great. I dropped her off at home, hugged her goodnight, and went on. Naturally, people started to find out about the makeout and asking her whats up. She continually kept giving the "haha, yeah I'm just not ready for a relationship but he is cool and cute" routine. Also turns out I was the first guy she kissed since the ex. So while I am upset with the info, I just continue to hang out and we send flirty texts back and forth on occasion. A few more weeks go by and we have plans to go on a party barge for the 4th of july, then are heading in a big group to vegas the weekend after. Well the night before the 4th, we all go out to a concert and have a good time, its been about a month since the kiss and I am losing hope, but then sparks flew and we ended up kissing and she stayed at my house that night. We woke up the next morning, and headed to the lake for the party barge, and the flirting was out in the open and it was obvious something was going on. We stayed together each night in Austin (where the party barge was), and seemed to be in the infatuation beginning stage. I know she kept saying she wasnt ready, but were clearly interested in each other.

 

Finally, we all go to Vegas and it is more of the same. Things are going great and we are having a good time but still not defining anything until one night in the club she thinks she sees me kiss another girl. This did not happen, I actually stumbled trying to get HER a drink and bumped heads with a friend of mine. Well I got back to her and she responded with "hey, i know we havent talked much about it...but i thought there was something going on here and i just saw you kiss that girl." So after I calmly explained she was the only one i wanted to kiss in the club, we basically had a mini DTR where we admitted we had strong feelings for each other, but she still was unsure. I told her just let me take her on some one on one dates and just see how it goes, no need to label anything yet. Well we went on 2-3 dates and they went amazing, we found out there was some amazing chemistry, and after a few weeks we decided to be exclusive (for timeline purposes, this is the end of July now). So for the next 2-3 months, things are amazing, I am still trying to take it slow because I know of her past, but she begins to escalate to where I have met her parents after 2 months, all of her good, close friends, and we become more intimate physically (she waited 2.5 years for the first guy, she was starting to talk about sex with me after 2 months). I felt it was OK to stop pulling away so I dropped my guard and fully invested myself emotionally.

 

We are now at the end of September, and she goes home (an hour from where we live) for a wedding, and I think everything is fine and dandy. I talk to her Saturday night like normal, then get a text Sunday afternoon asking if we could talk. She calls me, and basically says the following:

"So I spent this weekend hanging out with my family and started to reflect on the last 3 months. And from the beginning I told myself I wasn't ready, and you were just some fun cute guy I liked to spend time with so I decided to not think about anything and let things play out how they were. This is the first time I have had a chance to sit back and think about what I am doing and I am scared that I am just not emotionally ready to get to where this relationship is going." OUT. OF. THE. BLUE. So I basically responded with a few snide remarks (glad i could be your rebound), and told her I am not going to talk her into staying with me. But I also told her I couldn't see us just being friends so I don't know what to do.

 

I immediately began no contact and heard nothing for about 3 weeks. Finally, I was starting to get told by many of my friends that they were running into her out, and she was asking them if they heard what happened, if they had seen me, what i was up to, and so on. So I took it upon myself to send her a text after about a month, asking if she wanted to meet up for dinner and talk about everything. She agreed. So at the dinner, we kept it very light, catching up on each others lives until we realized it was 3 hours in and we hadnt talked about anything. So we moved to a lounge down the street and began talking. She basically said that she had talked to her mother who had asked her if she was sure she had given enough time to heal from her last relationship, and she said she started to think like that and it freaked her out. We had a trip planned to LA and she said it was the first time she actually realized how serious the relationship was. She said when we first started dating, like I said, I was just some fun cute guy, she never expected us to click the way we did and she didnt know i would turn out to be "me". She said she called her ex a week before this dinner and finally got some semblance of closure. So I suggested, if she wanted, for us to start over, take it very slow, and just see what happens. She agreed, and we ended the night on a kiss.

 

So a week later we went on our first date the second time around, went well, was just a fun time and it again ended in a kiss. We spent more time on the phone talking to each other, getting to know each other in a way we werent previously because we both knew there was obvious baggage. Dates once a week continued for about a month, until it began to happen more frequently. Now (the middle of november), we go out on a friday and sparks are just all over the place, she says "it feels like we are practically dating again" and she stays at my house both times that weekend. I took her to a basketball game the following wednesday and kissed her good night and thought this is going amazing. We had planned to go camping that weekend, which is when, you can guess, the drama continued.

 

I pick her and a friend up to go camping, and we get out there and its great. Good times, flirting, and a good time until about 2 am. When its time to go to bed i overhear her friends say something along the lines of "remember what she said, dont let her stay in his tent tonight". So on the inside I am freaking out, but i dont say anything and go to bed. I wake up the next day and it is just different and distant. We speak about 40-50 words the whole day until i ask her if we can talk. We go into the tent and she does almost the same thing. She flips out again saying that shes starting to have the same feelings again, but shes just not sure if shes as ready for where this is going as I am. Continues to talk about how she has all these feelings still for me, she just is too unsure of her self as an individual to commit. Talks about how she hasnt been by herself to just experience life, and how she just wants time to be alone (she continually says "its not about me wanting to be crazy single or date other people, if i wanted to date anyone, it would be you". So I am heart broken and the second time around was 10x as hard because I was developing a real connection. She finishes by saying "I dont want to tell you to wait because its not fair to you, but I really do have strong feelings for you...and I know you dont want to be friends, and I dont think i can do that either...but I dont want to lose you out of my life."

 

So I naturally am crushed. I am doing no contact again for my sake (3 weeks again), but the second time we were trying, she said she was comfortable enough with us to be confident to buy a ticket and hotel room to join me and 30 of my friends in vegas for new years. She reached out to me last week to ask if it would be awkward if she still went. Trying to not show that I was crushed, I told her I didnt think it would be awkward at all and she decided to come. SO now I have that looming.

 

What is your general opinion on all of this? Should I believe her, or is this one big load of crap? You read everywhere that "I'm not ready for a serious relationship really means I'm not ready WITH YOU." Do you agree with this? I feel like I want to believe her because shes not exactly a bull****ter, and her reasoning seems solid with her past. Do you generally see things like this (timing issues) reconciling down the road? I am having an insanely hard time letting go, as the break up doesnt seem to be about incompatability. I almost think I am in love with her and it is killing me. I want her back, and I don't understand why she asked me to wait (seems cruel). Am I crazy for holding out hope? I have half of my friends telling me to just move on, the best way to get her back is to show her you are fine without her...etc....and I have the other half telling me "if she fell for you the first time, feelings are still there, you can drum them up again." Also, I really havent heard from her other than the Vegas situation, do you think she is just completely over it now? I havent heard from her and it is driving me crazy thinking she can just be over it that fast.

 

Any advice is GREATLY appreciated, and I am now going to ice down my fingers after typing this! Thanks!

 

 

Depends. You can't hang around always wondering what her motive is (trust me, I'm going thru this now about my breakup and it sucks your life away). Most girls give the space thing because it's hard to argue over against (you can't really call them out without looking like an ass), and in truth, they like to have you around because you're a guarantee "pick me up" when they need attention, or someone to hold them over until they keep looking.

 

If you really think she's honest and will come around, then how long are you willing to wait?

 

If it was meant to be, then do worry about it and let things take its place. In the meantime, I'd get back out there and enjoy life and find someone who deserves you.

[Bedrock]

well she just texted me today in regards to the vegas trip i mentioned. i bought our table and everyone owes me for the trip. at first i thought it was nothing, but it turned into a semi-flirt. we havent talked since the camping incident a month ago other than her texting to make sure vegas wont be weird. is this flirting or am i reading too much into it.

 

here is the convo:

 

her: "hey can i get your account number so i can transfer you the proper funds to 'bedrock's blackjack games' for you"?

me: xxxx-xxx-xxx....or you could just hand the money to the first blackjack dealer you see there

her: "or should i just wait until after youve blown all your money and save it for bottles of belvedere to drown your sorrows?"

(i lost 1500 bucks at the table, and instead of keep going, i went to my room, bought a bottle of belvedere, and got hammered with her)

me: "I'm not drinking this trip."

her: "are you serious? i cant sense if thats sarcasm or not...if you arent drinking then ill just take all of your free drinks you will get while gambling and order unlimited glasses of chardonnayyyyy"

(when we were gambling together, she got put on the spot for a drink order, she panicked and ordered chardonnay, and doesnt even like it

so it became our inside joke on all our dates, when the wine order came, she would go "im feeling some chardonnayyyyy")

me: "haha, i thought my sarcasm would be obvious...maybe we should just hand the money to the bartender instead."

her: "well now that you are in fact drinking, i guess ill just get the bartender to give me how ever many bottles of chardonnay you can get for $250 dollars"

 

 

and i didnt respond to that. thoughts?

[D-Lish]

I think the bottom line is that she is not interested "enough".

I know you really like her, but I don't think it's in your best interest to keep in contact with her.

 

She's stringing you along, and you're being far too available to her.

[GoneButNotForgotten]

D is right. You're getting played. You have come each time she has called like a puppy. She likes what she gets out of you, but either doesn't want the whole deal or enjoys toying with you. This doesn't mean she is actually doing it on purpose. Some people play these games but don't realize it. As for the trip, I would recommend that you just try and dodge her most of the time.

[HLP234]

I am in the same situation as you. My gf and I were fine and everything was dandy until she moved closer to me. After she moved, she got depressed, misssed her friends, told me she doesnt know what she wants. She wants a connection like she has with her best friend.

 

So we've been on a break for like a month now and its not the same at all, I try to avoid contact but she wants me to talk and be normal like nothing happened.

 

When people tell you to stop talking to her they are right..I should completely cut contact with her and not even tell her I'm not waiting any more.

 

From your convo, it seemed like my girl did the same thing, she would be friendly and seem alright at times but then other times she would be short and to the point and try to put blame on me for not talking to her.

 

Whenever you hear the space/break thing, just tell them you don't do that. In the end, even if she is not meaning to pull you along because she may really have baggage or is confused, but you get pulled along anyway without her knowing.

 

Confronting her about it too will make her blow up..believe me I tried and all she said was, if you think that's what it is, than screw this..blah blah.

 

They want time to figure themselves out but don't want to loose you either..this means going out with other guys and maybe/maybe not doing stuff with them, depends on what type of girl she is.

 

Give it more time and you will start to feel like crap, become depressed, and just feel drained completely. Just move on while you can..I kept waiting and it only hurts so much more.

[Bedrock]

I think the bottom line is that she is not interested "enough".

I know you really like her, but I don't think it's in your best interest to keep in contact with her.

 

She's stringing you along, and you're being far too available to her.

 

how am i being too available...i basically have done NC every time something has happened, the only time i have made contact is when she has initiated it. it is not like she has completely blown me off, and she seems to be showing signs of flirting again. what about this says, if i do this slowly and correctly, that there isn't a chance for this in the future? its not like there is another guy, or shes out dating other people, shes a pretty good/nice/conservative girl. it seems as though there are still feelings there and she is willing to revisit it, why not try to do this on my terms for a change?

[D-Lish]

how am i being too available...i basically have done NC every time something has happened, the only time i have made contact is when she has initiated it. it is not like she has completely blown me off, and she seems to be showing signs of flirting again. what about this says, if i do this slowly and correctly, that there isn't a chance for this in the future? its not like there is another guy, or shes out dating other people, shes a pretty good/nice/conservative girl. it seems as though there are still feelings there and she is willing to revisit it, why not try to do this on my terms for a change?

 

The fact that you keep going back to her after she has dumped you - how many times??? That is what tells me you are too available.

 

People flirt to stroke their ego more often than not.

 

And, you haven't done NC- you broke it to reach out to her the first time she broke up with you, then responded to her immediately when she contacted you recently about this trip. She's dumped you TWICE and you are accomodating her coming to your party in vegas.

 

This girl is never going to be your gf.

 

The fact that you heard her gf's whispering at the fire not to let her get into your tent says a lot. She obviously talks to them when sober and asks them to save her from herself when she drinks.

 

Come on- the whole situation screams rebound. I know you don't want to hear it- and you'd rather hear people tell you to be patient, she'll come around... But I don't see that happening given what you have described about your situation. Sorry- just being honest.