Vintage79 Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I've gone out with one of the girls I'm dating 3 times, and while things are reasonable, romantic chemistry isn't building, and it hasn't migrated past a basic, good-bye kiss. Actually, if anything, even a good-night kiss is starting to seem a bit awkward, in the sense that there's some reciprocation on her part, but it kind of seems mandatory as opposed to "I've got this fire burning deep inside" (my interpretation of her)...which in my opinion should be the situation after a few dates. This has led to dates ending with decreasing romantic electricity. That said, she seems to be accepting of everything, but doesn't really toss anything my way, other than superfluous smiles, there's no/little contact and no romantic initiative on her part. Note, however, that due to our schedules, that we haven't really been able to get out and do daytime activities - so it's generally food and some hanging out, and last time, basically just dinner. I'd love to hear people's thoughts on the follow: 1. Is this a dead ended situation? 2. Friendzone already? 3. Does it sound like things are fine, but she just like to take things slow (she's mid 30s)? 4. Are the style of dates helping to poison things? I'm guessing something more adventurous/unusual would be helpful - thoughts? She may, or may not, be seeing others, but I don't know why that would really slow things down - at least if I was king of the hill.
Yukikazi Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 How is the eye contact? How is the kino? Are you touching her enough and in an escalating sexual means? Does she touch you back? Does she initiate ANYTHING?? contact? touching? Does she ask you about things wanting to know more about you or does she pretty much let you try to drive the whole conversation?
Author Vintage79 Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 (edited) Eye contact is good. Kino? (not sure what that is). Contact, much more questionable - I touch her, but not a lot (in part, because of our activities - you can only do so much at a table, but I could definitely do more, but it's hard for me because I don't really get anything in return - reciprocation is almost non-existant, but there's no pull back on her end). The conversation seems fine, where it goes back and forth, she definitely asks questions about me, but not sure if I ask more or less - it doesn't seem terribly imbalanced. She doesn't really initiate anything, outside of initially making the first move - which is how we met (no initiation on contact, calls, touching since - although she seems fairly responsive to me, so far - not sure if that will change since our last date. Edited December 22, 2009 by Vintage79
Yukikazi Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Kino = sexual/flirtatious touching. You need to escalate this.. if she isn't respond.. she isn't saying no either. Escalate till she says no or reciprocates. She may not be touching you back if you aren't doing it to her. Hold her hand.. touch her arm when you make a point... If you can't find a way to touch her during meals.. then go to a bar.. somewhere you have to stand close to each other and has music so you have to stay close to talk.. then escalate and see what happens. Keep the eye contact and use the 5 second rule
Author Vintage79 Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Given my last response, it's probably not hard to guess that there's not much in terms of kino. So you think this is a situation when I just have to grow some balls? Fair enough. What about thoughts regarding my initial questions? Or are these not valid questions, given that, at least until now, she's been receptive to everything I toss at her. I think I'm a bit lost, as pretty much everyone I've gone out with in the past has at least sent me something in return other than a smile. Of course, that may have been a selection criteria for me in the past. Given the dialing down of electricity, I'm not sure how she will respond going forward...time will tell.
Yukikazi Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 As I said.. no response isn't a no So long as she isn't telling you to stop.. keep going. She knows damn well what you are doing and unless she stops you she obviously enjoys it. You just need to see how far you can push before she says stop or grabs you and rips your clothes off. You need a reaction 1 way or another.. so push it and see which you get.
Crazy Magnet Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I tend to follow a guy's lead when starting to date. If he doesn't touch me a lot (grab my hand, put his hand on my back, etc.), then I tend to be more standoffish as well. I don't want to make him uncomfortable. But the previous posters are right, no response isn't a no! Maybe she is still trying to figure you out as well! Maybe she thinks your lack of touching means you aren't into her. I agree, push the envelope a bit.
Author Vintage79 Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 How long/many dates do you typically give a guy who's not touching a lot/making romantic moves before you give up? If the guy is moving slow, like I presumably am, what king of signs/gestures/actions do you look for before you reciprocate - or how do you like the guy to step things up?
DustySaltus Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 How long/many dates do you typically give a guy who's not touching a lot/making romantic moves before you give up? If the guy is moving slow, like I presumably am, what king of signs/gestures/actions do you look for before you reciprocate - or how do you like the guy to step things up? 3....next time, if there is a next time at the first available moment when the mood is right look right into her eyes, give her a passionate kiss and grab her butt. Either it's smooth sailing from there or you better wear a cup
Author Vintage79 Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Butt grab, kiss, jock strap (assuming she's not yet vanished) - got it. As good as this is, are there any other thoughts?
trueluV Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Hey, if you're a guy, and you like the girl, I'd say make a move! The girl's waiting for you to make a move! She dying for it! Go for it. I'm a girl, and I've been on 6 dates with a guy, I like him, i don't know if he does, cuz we haven't had anything really physical. just hugging, and touching arms when drinking (not even flirty...you do this with your friends too), let alone kissing, not even a good night kiss. I do like him but i'm afraid to make a move, and in my case I'd be so happy if the guy took the lead and initiated something. so please go ahead and make the move next time. and if she doesn't respond, like everyone said, it's not a no, it's "yes, please do more", so please do something, and I'm sure she'll be happy and like you even more! good luck!!
Yukikazi Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 I do like him but i'm afraid to make a move, and in my case I'd be so happy if the guy took the lead and initiated something. You are both so caught up on your shyness you weill end up passing each other by. Grow a backbone and make the move yourself... Answer this... what do you have to loose?
Author Vintage79 Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 Well, we'll see if I can scrape another date out of it. I actually just left her area today for the holidays, meaning that there will be at least a 9-10 day break between dates...a perfect opportunity for a mediocre, awkward close to fester...grrr. That said, the general consensus seems to be to just do it, which is kind of what I'm thinking as well - there's not much downside, either I do it and it works, or I get rejected then and there, or else it's a slow death. The only way to win is go for it. I'll contact her a few times while I'm away (call + e-mail), so I'll probably have a reasonable idea of where things stand before I get back in the area, at least whether or not I'll have an opportunity to go for it. That said, after a mediocre, somewhat awkward close, would you recommending first testing the waters with a letter, or dive in with the call while I'm away?
trueluV Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 You are both so caught up on your shyness you weill end up passing each other by. Grow a backbone and make the move yourself... Answer this... what do you have to loose? thanks for your insights all the time-on my posts. i went out with the guy last weekend again, our 6th date! and since i had a lot of encouragement i got the guts to touch his arm and even put a little pressure on it while we were having dinner/drinks. he didn't resist, so i guess it wasn't a no, but he didn't do anything. So i stopped, and that night ended with another 'no kiss'. your question-what do i have to loose? i'm falling for this guy so i guess i'm afraid of loosing any chance with him. i just don't want him to freak out that i'm coming on too strong to him when he's not ready yet, and blow this whole thing off. I'd rather be slow and see how things go,,,but also at the same time I'm afraid we'll be in the friendzone if nothing happens soon. ughhh....so many things to worry about!
Yukikazi Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 (edited) thanks for your insights all the time-on my posts. i went out with the guy last weekend again, our 6th date! and since i had a lot of encouragement i got the guts to touch his arm and even put a little pressure on it while we were having dinner/drinks. he didn't resist, so i guess it wasn't a no, but he didn't do anything. So i stopped, and that night ended with another 'no kiss'. your question-what do i have to loose? i'm falling for this guy so i guess i'm afraid of loosing any chance with him. i just don't want him to freak out that i'm coming on too strong to him when he's not ready yet, and blow this whole thing off. I'd rather be slow and see how things go,,,but also at the same time I'm afraid we'll be in the friendzone if nothing happens soon. ughhh....so many things to worry about! LOL coming on too strong?? Sweetie.. bread mold has more strength then you 2 do combined But its good that you are trying to initiate physical contact.. but DO NOT stop... unless he says no or tries to remove your hand.. keep pushing. Hell.. if it takes sticking your hand down his pants and grabbing him.. you MAY have to do that. The question is.. how far are you willing to go to see what potential the relationship has? I do understand the problem you are facing.. I had to deal with the same this summer.. Korean girl.. shy but outgoing enough to show she was interested so I asked her out. It also took me 6 dates before I got her to relent to a kiss.. but I had her hand by the second date and once she got used to that.. she was always taking my hand/arm in hers. So I escalated it to having my arm around her and she responded by doing likewise. If your guy doesn't have any confidence or balls.. you will have to step up. He wont reject you.. I can 99% guarantee it. You have 4 options.. Make a move Let this slow train wreck continue till you are both just friends or not even that Wait for him to make a move.. revisit the slow trainwreck Confront him about where the relationship is heading and where he wants it to go. If you want him.. you will have to make a grab for him. Otherwise you will continue twisting in the wind. You are gonna have to swallow your fears and do it just like the rest of us learn to do. Edited December 23, 2009 by Yukikazi
just1honey Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Personally, I prefer guys to take things slow. When I'm ready I'm sure to let him know. There has to be an attraction and when the time is right, the sparks can fly! There are several factors such as your attraction to her. Do you think she's worth 3 dates or 10? It's kind of like they say the best fruit is at the top of tree. If she's shy it might take more time to get her to open up, but then again there could very well be a fire burning well worth the wait.. Good luck in whatever you decide.
Author Vintage79 Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 She may like to take things slow, but unfortunately, the majority of people don't like taking things THAT slow - that's the problem, not much feedback on her part, aside from not resisting, and now I'm stuck with this somewhat awkward scenario described earlier (although I suppose it's possible that she doesn't perceive it as awkward, knowing nothing else I'm forced to assume that it seemed odd to her as well).
trueluV Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 LOL coming on too strong?? Sweetie.. bread mold has more strength then you 2 do combined But its good that you are trying to initiate physical contact.. but DO NOT stop... unless he says no or tries to remove your hand.. keep pushing. Hell.. if it takes sticking your hand down his pants and grabbing him.. you MAY have to do that. The question is.. how far are you willing to go to see what potential the relationship has? I do understand the problem you are facing.. I had to deal with the same this summer.. Korean girl.. shy but outgoing enough to show she was interested so I asked her out. It also took me 6 dates before I got her to relent to a kiss.. but I had her hand by the second date and once she got used to that.. she was always taking my hand/arm in hers. So I escalated it to having my arm around her and she responded by doing likewise. If your guy doesn't have any confidence or balls.. you will have to step up. He wont reject you.. I can 99% guarantee it. You have 4 options.. Make a move Let this slow train wreck continue till you are both just friends or not even that Wait for him to make a move.. revisit the slow trainwreck Confront him about where the relationship is heading and where he wants it to go. If you want him.. you will have to make a grab for him. Otherwise you will continue twisting in the wind. You are gonna have to swallow your fears and do it just like the rest of us learn to do. OMG Yukikazi! you are the sweetest guy! I really appreciate your comments & advice. so sweet and sincere! btw, may i ask what's your nationality or where you're from?
Yukikazi Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 OMG Yukikazi! you are the sweetest guy! I really appreciate your comments & advice. so sweet and sincere! btw, may i ask what's your nationality or where you're from? 2 out of 3.. almost an ASL.. I appear to be your typical white American from Chicago though I am half Mexican (you can't tell). btw.. jamming your hand down his pants has my vote.. Possibility of reaction.. 100%
InspiredbyYou Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 I dunnow for me the kiss is very important, if the kissing is not progressing to something more passionate and intense then there is nothing there as far as I am concerned. I take things slow in all my relationships/dates. I will only kiss guys I see a potential for more, and I will only continue kissing guys I find sexually appealing. As slow as the relationship may progress in terms of how often we see each other or sexually speaking, the kissing is definitely on fire and progressively more intense every time we go out. There will be more good times/laughs, longer dates, more intimate conversation and a TON of kissing. This current situation sounds like a dead end, there is shy and then there is dead fish. What is it that keeps you coming back for more?
trueluV Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 I appear to be your typical white American from Chicago hahah thanks for letting me know! i asked since you told me your g.f. was a korean, from your ID i thought you were japanese-which is my case and the guys. we're super shy and passive...so nothing's happening physically, i even don't know what's in this guy's mind! I will try to make another move - maying touching his arm again and shoulder, but not hands in the pants!!! oh, and to VINTAGE79, i'm sorry i am posting on your thread, but I am totally feeling you and I'm on the girl's side. please make a move, express your interest in her, you don't have to make strong moves, but just something soft and sweet, and she'll totally fall for you. please trust me and do something to her. if you're really shy, just ask her if you can kiss her! my boyfriends (japanese) always asked me! lol and since i liked them too, i accepted it. if i like the guy, even though the question sounds very unromantic and funny, i let him do it. so, next time you see her, if you're really shy just ask her, and if she freaks out, tell her sorry but you really want to kiss her. and see her reaction. i wish my guy touched me or kissed me!!! i'm sooo waiting for it!
Author Vintage79 Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 Why do I keep coming back? Well, the first date went pretty darn well, the second was pretty decent as well, so hence the third, which may have been the swan song. Basically, the conversational chemistry is pretty good, with lots of eye contact, we have similar backgrounds/interests/and see a lot of what we want in the other...basically we get along great. At that point, you have a scenario that has shown some sparks between two people who seem conceptually like great matches...so why not give it a try? At that point, however, you turn to waining electricity and interpretation of her lack of reciprication, with increasing awkwardness at close and little kissing. That said, the lack of fire is a concern of mine, hence my posts here...just trying to get a read on things, and many have suggested I just push the boundary on contact and see what happens. Obviously at some point if things don't change I need to call it quits, but when? Or just call it off now?
Yukikazi Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 hahah thanks for letting me know! i asked since you told me your g.f. was a korean, from your ID i thought you were japanese-which is my case and the guys. we're super shy and passive...so nothing's happening physically, i even don't know what's in this guy's mind! I will try to make another move - maying touching his arm again and shoulder, but not hands in the pants!!! i wish my guy touched me or kissed me!!! i'm sooo waiting for it! If you are both this shy.. I am going to guess neither of you is US born? She was a Korean.. we are not together anymore since soon after we started dating she got a job offer in another state.. it REALLy sucks having to tell someone you care about to move away for their own good. But she was both shy and had to get over her issues with dating a white guy. Since this was in a restaurant.. took 4 trips to figure out she wasn't just being a friendly waitress. I recommend when you see him next.. give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Escalate the touching over the course of the date then when its time to say good night, (assuming he still dosen't have a clue) give him a long hug and rather then letting go at the end.. pull back a little, give him a kiss on the cheek and then while you still have your arms around him and your face 6 inches away from his or less, give him the doggy dinner bowl eyes. (look at my avatar pic if you need an example). Seriously if the boy doesn't get a hint from that.. you may need to start reconsidering.. or just grab his nuts and command him to kiss you if he wants them to remain in working order.
Yukikazi Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Why do I keep coming back? Well, the first date went pretty darn well, the second was pretty decent as well, so hence the third, which may have been the swan song. Basically, the conversational chemistry is pretty good, with lots of eye contact, we have similar backgrounds/interests/and see a lot of what we want in the other...basically we get along great. At that point, you have a scenario that has shown some sparks between two people who seem conceptually like great matches...so why not give it a try? At that point, however, you turn to waining electricity and interpretation of her lack of reciprication, with increasing awkwardness at close and little kissing. That said, the lack of fire is a concern of mine, hence my posts here...just trying to get a read on things, and many have suggested I just push the boundary on contact and see what happens. Obviously at some point if things don't change I need to call it quits, but when? Or just call it off now? Push it now or loose your chance!! Go for broke.. cause you are about to loose any romantic chance you have.. so drop your balls, grab the girl and kiss her already. Or pack them up and bury them cause you wont be using them anytime soon.
Author Vintage79 Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 That's the plan if I see her again - as mentioned earlier, I'm gone for a while, so at best, it will be 9-10 days until it's even possible to see her again, but I'm going to try to get some read via phone/e-mail before then... Worst case scenario, there are the other people I'm seeing...oh well.
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