What did you do to mess up your marriage?

[bayouboi]

What did I do to mess up my marriage?

 

Said "I do" to the wrong person.

[Spark1111]

I led, begged, hell kicked that horse to water, but I could not make him drink!

 

I grew tired, distant...........and gave up on having a better relationship with a man who thought it was "good enough."

 

Took my own advice, went to IC alone when he refused to join me, and threw myself into being the best mother I could be to my children.

 

I have three amazing children.

 

Neglected the marriage and the man because iI always felt my efforts were never good enough for the man who thought the marriage was good enough.

 

He had an affair with a woman who knew none of his spousal and familial history, who told him how wonderful he was, but then again, she hadn't been married to him.

 

Threw him out repeatedly on DDAY, and now we are in reconciliation.

 

I have the most wonderful marriage today.

 

Old joke: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

NONE! Because the lightbulb has to REALLY WANT to change!:bunny::bunny:

[Spark1111]

Sadly, how many people do not realize what they have/had until it is gone?

 

Too, too many.

 

It couldabeen wonderful all those years, but my lightbulb did not want to change himself until it was almost all gone for good.

[eeyore1981]

Sadly, how many people do not realize what they have/had until it is gone?

 

Too, too many.

 

It couldabeen wonderful all those years, but my lightbulb did not want to change himself until it was almost all gone for good.

 

You bring tears to my eyes, because this is my marriage, too, and it effing hurts how much unnecessary damage has been done to my children, my marriage, and me.

[Samantha0905]

Fair enough.

 

Now, considering your points...is cheating really helping?

Why not talk? If the spouse is lacking in communication skills, work on them in IC/MC or even couples counseling. Exactly how does an A help the communication issues? And why choose an A over D?

A lack of intimacy? Talk about it with your spouse...or their MD or even a sex therapist. Seems to me MANY things aside from an A will help. Are you suggesting an A will HELP intimacy issues?

 

Hey, I never said I chose the path I should have taken. I'm just trying to express it's difficult at times when dealing with a non-communicator or a less than intimate person and people screw up majorly.

 

Oh I agree...each of things would make for a VERY hard M for BOTH. Seems like some of the things I suggested are a better way to repair the M.

Because an A seems to help the WS and not the BS. A rather selfish act no? And does it truly address these communication and/or intimacy issues?

 

No, and I didn't say it did. I agree with you that an affair is not the way to go.

 

And, when the WS reaches the point that the spouse is "incapable" of fixing the issue...why not get a D? Truly, if the spouse has exhausted ALL avenues...then the WS either accepts or rejects this "defect". Again, we are back at the WS and his/her internal issues aren't we?

 

Sometimes it's a scary proposition -- children, changing the future, the fact I've not worked in over 20 years......

 

I didn't explain myself clearly then.

 

A WS cheats because of <insert reason>. No matter the reason, it ultimately boils down to the WS.

 

No matter how you slice it, it is WITHIN the WS. Once the issue is on the table and the "defective" BS can offer no more improvement...the WS must choose. Accept the limitation or do not. This decision to accept or reject is ENTIRELY within the WS. That decison process is the WS's period.

 

And lets be real...how many WS ACTUALLY exhaust all possible methods of "fixing" the M and the BS? Next to zero. I can say this because I have yet to hear of a story where the BS starts by saying "I knew she was going to cheat...". Usually, the WS utters not a word and simply cheats...

 

I deserve to be chastised for my behavior - it was WRONG. Even now, after the hell she put (and puts) me through I wish I could undo it. Its embarrassing and humiliating to have to say those things about ME.

 

However, I am NOT responsible for her A. Why? I had no CLUE she was that unhappy. Remember where I said the BS rarley has a clue...yup...no effin' clue. I wish she had opened her mouth and said something. But she didn't. And how can I fix what I don't know is broken?

 

Well, I think if my xW had said "I am unhappy and here's why" I would have listened. But she didn't. Instead, she snuck around screwing her boss. Which, to be honest, didn't really help the M at all. Talk about torpedoing one's libido and sexual confidence...

 

I know you disagree.

 

I'm sorry that happened. I still think a relationship involves two people. And not having an effing clue is one of the things that gets me upset with my spouse. I've certainly told him enough and he's still clueless. It's pretty frustrating.....

 

And that's exactly WHY YOUR issues brought you to the A. You never faced them. Oh you tried I'm sure. And when you reached the point of "its not getting better"...what did YOU do? See, instead of ACCEPTING your H, you REJECTED him and those traits. No one blames you for that. Its a deeply personal choice...some will last longer, others shorter. But how did YOU respond? Did you file for D and walk away? Or cheat?

 

I've had an affair. And yes, I suppose I reached my limit somewhere along the 33 year way......

 

That's ultimately my point...by whatever decision matrix you use...you choose NOT D but an A. Some may have stayed and never cheated. Some may have left immediately. Some may have worked harder. Some may have chosen to accept the spouse's failures. And some cheat. ITs ALL on the WS and their "reasoning".

 

The affair is the WS's decision -- but nothing happens in a vacuum. That's my point.

[Samantha0905]

You are making excuses and trying to justify your cheating. Nobody made you get married young and nobody made you cheat. You chose to and you are 100% responsible for that even if the lifetime network says otherwise.

 

One person can easily destroy a marriage but most people are not willing to take 100% credit for the act. They lie to themselves and try to believe that their cheating was a symptom of a bigger problem. Cheating is a character flaw

 

I am 100% responsible for the cheating. It is also indicative of a bigger problem in the marriage.

[Crusoe]

I'm asking people here, if they can admit to some fault to their marriage problems without blaming that fault on their partner.

 

Yes. I wasn't as strong as I thought I was.

[MetalguitarJames]

Trust me I think it about it every day to no end of what I did or didn't do to make my marriage fail. I know that I payed more attention to World Of Warcraft than I did my own wife. She hated going to bed alone. She would cry and I would just sit there and keep playing. I quit playing for around 3 months and things were progressively getting better but anytime that I would try to speak my mind about something she would make me feel guilty for my comments. I understand that sometimes women just want someone to just listen and not to fix something for them. We battled for this for a long time. My last week there we still actually slept together and it was the closest I have ever felt to her. I didn't know that she had already cheated on me at that point. I didn't know until after I had gotten here to Oklahoma.

 

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret the choices that I made. Of course I no longer play this game and never will. I can't make excuses for the things I did by not opening up to her emotionally. She tended to use things against me when I did.

 

Every single day when I wake up I have a reminder of what I did to contribute to the downfall of my marriage. I just don't think that she should have cheated on me on Thanksgiving. She asked me for a divorce the same day. Of course I didn't know that she had cheated on me until after I moved. For some reason I wanted her back and wanted her to move out here with me. I still loved her. We were going to make it work and she agreed that missed me and wanted to be with me again. She even wanted to make plans to renew our vows where we originally got married at (I love only an hour away from there now). Christmas day she changed her mind and moved him into my old home and is screwing him in my bed. It hurts. Not just because of the infidelity but also because the other man was my very close friend that I trained at work.

 

I'm sure she checked out emotionally a long time ago but it still doesn't excuse what she did to me. It hurts and every morning that I wake up alone. I still think of what I did to push her away to do something like that. I know what I did and regret it every single day of my life. Even though she's screwing him in my bed I can't just forget the love that we used to have. It hurts but to just forget an 8 year marriage isn't that easy. I'm sorry I'm rambling lol.