What did you do to mess up your marriage?

[angie2443]

I've been reading another thread on here and notice constant finger pointing. The posters' marriages are bad and it's the spouses fault. Maybe they came from a loveless family, an abusive family, maybe they are rotten communicators, maybe they're awful at sex, etc. I don't here many people saying, "I was part of the problem and my contribution to the downfall of the marriage wasn't a reaction to something my spouse did".

 

I'm asking people here, if they can admit to some fault to their marriage problems without blaming that fault on their partner.

[NowhereToHide]

Hmmm.... I'm not sure exactly which thread you're referring to.

 

If it's the one I started, I will say that if you go back and read my posts, I readily admit my role in the demise of my marriage.

 

It takes two to run a marriage into the ground. I am equally culpable in the state of my marriage today.

 

Just a side note, however.... many people who are posting are doing so to vent their frustrations.... to talk about what they aren't getting, what's missing, etc. That in no way means that they don't accept part of the blame. It just means that was the focus of their post.

[2sure]

My H has been a serial cheater. We have been married 4 years and the divorce should be final in June. I love him, I adore him even now.

 

But I cannot help him with this. I cannot do this. I dont want to wait to end this until I hate not only him but myself.

 

Its easy to say its all his fault, because he had this problem when I met him but apparently I blinded myself to it. I should have been more aware, I should have been more insistent. I have to forgive him and I am heading in that direction. I have to recognize that I played a part in this because I simply must take something good, a life lesson perhaps, away from this. It was too beautiful to just walk away with nothing.

[angie2443]

Hmmm.... I'm not sure exactly which thread you're referring to.

 

If it's the one I started, I will say that if you go back and read my posts, I readily admit my role in the demise of my marriage.

 

It takes two to run a marriage into the ground. I am equally culpable in the state of my marriage today.

 

Just a side note, however.... many people who are posting are doing so to vent their frustrations.... to talk about what they aren't getting, what's missing, etc. That in no way means that they don't accept part of the blame. It just means that was the focus of their post.

 

It was your thread. I didn't want to do a tj.

 

I understand what you are saying. I guess I'm just getting frustrated at what seems like a lot of people who will not get off their ****s and change the situation they're in. The only way they can change their situation is to see their part in things. I hear a lot of helplessness here. It's depressing.

 

I know I may sound judgmental. I fully realize that I can't see the full situation from someone's post and that they may be doing a lot even though it comes across to me that they're bieng complacent. Maybe I just need to stop reading these posts.

[Samantha0905]

It was your thread. I didn't want to do a tj.

 

I understand what you are saying. I guess I'm just getting frustrated at what seems like a lot of people who will not get off their ****s and change the situation they're in. The only way they can change their situation is to see their part in things. I hear a lot of helplessness here. It's depressing.

 

I know I may sound judgmental. I fully realize that I can't see the full situation from someone's post and that they may be doing a lot even though it comes across to me that they're bieng complacent. Maybe I just need to stop reading these posts.

 

Well, I don't know how to create passion in my marriage. I got married young -- met him at 14, married him at 21 -- and I don't think I had a clue what needed to be present. I just thought after dating him that long I should marry him. I did (do), love him. We waited until marriage to have sex. I can honestly say I will never let someone convince me to do that again.

 

I suppose what I've done to mess up my marriage is (a) not feel passion and that "in love" feeling, (b) stay in a marriage so long that has no intimacy and conversation without demanding to have it, and © this one is obvious -- have an affair instead of dealing with the issue directly.

 

As to why I haven't gotten off my duff and changed things -- I suppose fear, worrying about hurt feelings, responsibility, children (adults now), etc. There's a variety of reasons and it's impossible to judge anyone else's situation as you're not living it. There's no way you can know all the considerations involved unless it's your own situation.

[Spoiled]

Each partner plays a role in the destruction of marriages. My H and I became very emotionally disconnected. My role in this disconnection included:

 

not supportive enough during his stressful times

not encouraging enough to help boost his ego

not affectionate enough

[Samantha0905]

Each partner plays a role in the destruction of marriages. My H and I became very emotionally disconnected. My role in this disconnection included:

 

not supportive enough during his stressful times

not encouraging enough to help boost his ego

not affectionate enough

 

I could list the same things also Spoiled. The problem with showing affection is I can't seem to make myself feel like I want it in return from him at this point so I don't offer it up. Craziness.

[luvstarved]

Well it is true that a lot of people are just venting their side...also true that in some cases they are talking about their spouse's behavior because they are trying to understand it.

 

Also true that some see themselves as pure victim. We're all over the place.

 

I am mostly venting or trying to make sense of my H's behavior when I post...I do see myself as victim sometimes but I also have "looked in the mirror" and tried to look at it from his point of view.

 

I do see that from his viewpoint I am mean and unsupportive...it somehow feels that way to him. But, his father was unsupportive, his sister was unsupportive, to him everyone ever has been unsupportive and untrustworthy except dear old Mom. But he is unable to articulate that because it doesn't hold up under scrutiny. I am intolerably mean and "out to get him", he will say, but when I ask in what way, it's huminahuminahumina...um, you know what you're doing.

 

But to answer your question, what I have done is basically failed to support him in a way that feels loving and supportive to him. I don't feel able to give that to him because he expects nothing short of worship and one-sided cheerful and immediate compliance with his wishes. I have definitely shortchanged him on support and praise partially in response to his mother's over-the-top stuff. I feel insufficient and insincere to tell him it is great that he got a good job review, for example, when his mother is telling him that the place would collapse without him, he is the best thing that ever happened to anyone, and practically jumps and down about it. It makes me feel like bringing them both down a peg and I should not stoop to that.

 

I also expected too much too soon in our relationship given that he had been living a carefree bachelor life with both parents to revolve around him, and I came along with two kids expecting him to step up to the plate and hit a home run. I expected too much too soon, and got angry with him for saying he would help with X, then bail on me because X was unpleasant work. I tried to set boundaries with his parents being in our lives and was swept aside and gave in, and am still unsure whether I should have fought harder for the boundaries or given in sooner, because there is resentment on both sides - from me that the boundaries were not honored and from him that they were even asked for.

 

Now he is right that I am crabby and distant a lot of the time, but not in the willful and malicious way that he asserts. My argument is of course that he rejects me, lies to me, talks to me like a dog and blames everything on me, including his own behaviors, however overt. I am boiling with resentment and just want him to listen to me and admit that it DOES take two to tango.

 

I have tried and succeeded in the past with being the person he wants to date, and he becomes happy and satisfied and could go on forever like that. I have squashed my own needs and feelings for the "greater good" and kept it up for months on end while he continued to just do his own thing, be inconsiderate and selfish, but more benignly so than when I am crabby and object. I admit I am the one that cracks. I admit that I am the one who cannot just live like roommates and be content with that.

 

I have issues with emotional independence and struggle with his argument about being responsible for one's own happiness vs mine that there are reasonable expectations of a marriage relationship. I have a hard time thinking about going off on my own and taking a frigging pottery class when what I really want is to connect emotionally with someone I at least once loved and want to believe I can love again, and vice versa.

 

I do have a tendency to be moody and impatient and jealous. But I have always been described by friends as rational and understanding ultimately and I can listen to and negotiate with other people when they are of a cooperative mind to do so.

 

I do snap at him sometimes prematurely for where I "think" a conversation is going based on past experience. I invariably apologize later for having done that. I also have lost it on several occasions and jumped into the trash fest when his lies have been too extreme, and his insults too deep.

 

I am jealous of other women in general because I feel humiliated to know that he would rather have fantasy sex with them than real sex with me. This makes no sense, but feelings are feelings.

 

And I do get upset and moody sometimes when he is chatting with another woman and will walk away sometimes, and sometimes ask too many questions about who she is and what they were talking about, and most especially when I can see interest in both their eyes. Although I admit he never ever really does anything that I would call "flirting"...I see it more done to him than him doing it, or even responding to it. It still just bugs me because I am not getting much if any action, and hate knowing that he is thinking of them that way...(which like most else he has admitted to and also flatly denied).

 

I have openly admitted this to him as a flaw that I am working to correct, and have improved in that area, but again only by squashing my feelings and not expressing them...I would rather acheive it by either genuinely not worrying/caring or getting the affection from him that I want...but his response is always simply that I have big deep serious issues and creating problems and it's not his problem...

[hopeful1980]

I know exactly where my weaknesses lie in my marriage and I do not make any excuses for them. I just constantly work on being a better wife. The main thing I do wrong is not give my support when it's needed most. When he makes mistakes regarding our finances or future, I can't hold my composure. For some reason, I feel like he is doing it to ME as opposed to honestly thinking that that way was the best way and it turning out wrong.

 

Every opportunity I have to support him in those times, I fail. I just can't seem to keep my cool.

[soserious1]

I got too old to be sexually arousing. Any other questions?

[angie2443]

I got too old to be sexually arousing. Any other questions?

 

I don't know if I was supposed to laugh, but I did. I understand. I needed to be more specific with my first post. I know that in some situations, it really is just one spouses fault. In these cases, that spouse is such an @$$ that nothing can be done. I think, though, in the majority of cases, it does take two to mess up the situation.

[carhill]

My responsibilities were primarily handling the emotions related to my mother's care poorly, communicating those emotions poorly, and having an EA with an old friend. MC really helped in all areas; handling of emotion remains the most significant area of work. Life goes on

[threebyfate]

I've been reading another thread on here and notice constant finger pointing. The posters' marriages are bad and it's the spouses fault. Maybe they came from a loveless family, an abusive family, maybe they are rotten communicators, maybe they're awful at sex, etc. I don't here many people saying, "I was part of the problem and my contribution to the downfall of the marriage wasn't a reaction to something my spouse did".

 

I'm asking people here, if they can admit to some fault to their marriage problems without blaming that fault on their partner.

According to my ex-H, he never felt he had a hold of me, in that I never relied on him for anything. Now how this converts to serial cheating, only his NPD distortion can explain it.

 

As far as I'm concerned, my mistake was in marrying someone who I didn't even like or want to date. After he pursued me for two years, he managed to convince me that I was wrong about him. Haha...nope, shoulda' listened to my original gut instincts.

 

But...I no longer have any regrets about my first marriage. Without it and the subsequent events that followed, I wouldn't have known what to look for and might have settled with someone who wasn't near as compatible, as my 2nd husband. So yes, I learned much about myself, hard boundaries and what to look for in a partner within a viable relationship. Good on paper, isn't good enough and neither is love.

[jwi71]

It takes two to run a marriage into the ground. I am equally culpable in the state of my marriage today.

 

That's not true - it only takes ONE to ruin a M.

True, a "bad" or "difficult" spouse can drive you crazy. But they don't make you cheat.

 

I've always wondered, and perhaps others as well, why the WS simply doesn't address the issues in the M. What's wrong with talking through the issues...whatever they may be. Failing that...IC/MC?

 

Sure, some spouses refuse to have it or hear it or entertain IC/MC. Now you have another decision...leave or stay. To stay is to accept that behavior. To leave is to reject it. To cheat is "shelve the issues". And make the M worse btw.

 

Many, if not all WS, claim unhappiness. This has always seemed preposterous to me. I find it hard to believe that ANY spouse always makes one happy all the time. Wasn't true in my M...or in any other R for that matter. Some will cite degree of unhappiness. I was unhappier than you.

 

Maybe. Maybe not.

 

And that's the crux of the issue. Because happiness is a unique measure for all persons...it boils down to the WS. THEY aren't happy with what they have (possessions, R, whatever). And instead of acting on it to CORRECT it...they cheat. Avoid the issue WITHIN themselves. True, an OW/OM can soothe it...perhaps years. But I have read of FEW A's that turned out well for the AP's. Again...for those wondering why...they didn't address the issues within...instead turning to another (outside source) to be happy.

 

A person like that can never truly be happy or at peace. They keep running from the one they cannot...them self.

 

/soapbox off

 

Now...what did I do to drive my xW crazy?

 

Worked way too long.

Neglected her (took her for granted).

Made scarce time available TO and FOR her.

[Samantha0905]

That's not true - it only takes ONE to ruin a M.

True, a "bad" or "difficult" spouse can drive you crazy. But they don't make you cheat.

 

Yes, but that's assuming a person thinks cheating is the only thing that can ruin a marriage. It could be other things, such as an inability to communicate well, an inability to create an intimate relationship, etc. It all depends on what you consider a ruined marriage. I'd say any of the above things -- cheating, poor communication skills, a lack of intimacy are all things that cause terrible damage to a marriage. Whether or not these things completely ruin a marriage depends on the two people in the marriage and whether or not they feel they can remedy/work through the problems.

 

 

 

And that's the crux of the issue. Because happiness is a unique measure for all persons...it boils down to the WS. THEY aren't happy with what they have (possessions, R, whatever). And instead of acting on it to CORRECT it...they cheat. Avoid the issue WITHIN themselves. True, an OW/OM can soothe it...perhaps years. But I have read of FEW A's that turned out well for the AP's. Again...for those wondering why...they didn't address the issues within...instead turning to another (outside source) to be happy.

Obviously the WS has troubles within themselves they need to resolve. They need to learn to be happy with themselves. Obviously the marriage has issues. It takes work from both partners to be happy with each other.

 

I don't think when an affair occurs it is simply because of problems within the person having the affair. Things are amiss in the marriage. Sure it's wrong to handle it by having an affair, but I just think it's crazy to think it is ONLY a problem within the WS.

 

No the BS did not make the WS cheat. That's true enough.

 

But, just look at the things you listed (or your ex-wife listed) were things you could have fixed in your own marriage:

 

Worked way too long.

Neglected her (took her for granted).

Made scarce time available TO and FOR her.

 

No attack intended, but surely when these things are happening in a marriage -- and I'm sure there is a list you could have made about your ex-wife also -- then the problems in the relationship are not solely one person's -- the wayward spouse. From what I see, there are all sorts of things that could be a work "ruining" the marriage.

 

Do you think if she had just sat down and discussed them with you the problems would have been resolved? I'm not suggesting it doesn't help, but I wonder how many times a spouse has done this and nothing changes?

 

Sometimes when a relationship is going poorly, addressing the concerns may be difficult or impossible. I know I've tried to address things in my own for years to no avail as far as communication is concerned.

[eeyore1981]

That's not true - it only takes ONE to ruin a M.

True, a "bad" or "difficult" spouse can drive you crazy. But they don't make you cheat.

 

I've always wondered, and perhaps others as well, why the WS simply doesn't address the issues in the M. What's wrong with talking through the issues...whatever they may be. Failing that...IC/MC?

 

Sure, some spouses refuse to have it or hear it or entertain IC/MC. Now you have another decision...leave or stay. To stay is to accept that behavior. To leave is to reject it. To cheat is "shelve the issues". And make the M worse btw.

 

Many, if not all WS, claim unhappiness. This has always seemed preposterous to me. I find it hard to believe that ANY spouse always makes one happy all the time. Wasn't true in my M...or in any other R for that matter. Some will cite degree of unhappiness. I was unhappier than you.

 

Maybe. Maybe not.

 

And that's the crux of the issue. Because happiness is a unique measure for all persons...it boils down to the WS. THEY aren't happy with what they have (possessions, R, whatever). And instead of acting on it to CORRECT it...they cheat. Avoid the issue WITHIN themselves. True, an OW/OM can soothe it...perhaps years. But I have read of FEW A's that turned out well for the AP's. Again...for those wondering why...they didn't address the issues within...instead turning to another (outside source) to be happy.

 

A person like that can never truly be happy or at peace. They keep running from the one they cannot...them self.

 

/soapbox off

 

Now...what did I do to drive my xW crazy?

 

Worked way too long.

Neglected her (took her for granted).

Made scarce time available TO and FOR her.

 

STANDING OVATION!!!!

 

I agree 100%, it only takes one to ruin a marriage. It takes 2 to make a marriage. I think people get confused.

 

Am I perfect? Far from it. But where did I go wrong? I sucked it up too much, I thought of others and their needs before myself and my own, I weighed my decisions on what I should or shouldn't do by considering the other people involved and how my decisions would affect them. I tried to bring issues to the table to work them out, even though after the first dozen or so attempts at this I knew it was a waste of time, blah blah blah. Sometimes, when things got so screwed up I lost my temper, yelled, screamed, and on occasion broke lots of things. Was this the right thing to do? The politically correct answer would be no, however, this is about the only times, when pushed way past my limits of endurance, that actually produced positive results. The other side of the coin was when I didn't get angry, I just got resigned, got tired of it all, and made preparations to leave. Again, things would get better for a while. Why did it always have to get so far before things changed?

 

So, to answer your question about what part did I play in my marriage being so bad?

 

My tolerance for being a doormat was way too short for my H's taste.

[NowhereToHide]

STANDING OVATION!!!!

 

I agree 100%, it only takes one to ruin a marriage. It takes 2 to make a marriage. I think people get confused.

 

Am I perfect? Far from it. But where did I go wrong? I sucked it up too much, I thought of others and their needs before myself and my own, I weighed my decisions on what I should or shouldn't do by considering the other people involved and how my decisions would affect them. I tried to bring issues to the table to work them out, even though after the first dozen or so attempts at this I knew it was a waste of time, blah blah blah. Sometimes, when things got so screwed up I lost my temper, yelled, screamed, and on occasion broke lots of things. Was this the right thing to do? The politically correct answer would be no, however, this is about the only times, when pushed way past my limits of endurance, that actually produced positive results. The other side of the coin was when I didn't get angry, I just got resigned, got tired of it all, and made preparations to leave. Again, things would get better for a while. Why did it always have to get so far before things changed?

 

So, to answer your question about what part did I play in my marriage being so bad?

 

My tolerance for being a doormat was way too short for my H's taste.

 

Funny.... based on your other posts, I expected nothing less than this from you.

[Spoiled]

STANDING OVATION!!!!

 

I agree 100%, it only takes one to ruin a marriage. It takes 2 to make a marriage. I think people get confused.

 

Am I perfect? Far from it. But where did I go wrong? I sucked it up too much, I thought of others and their needs before myself and my own, I weighed my decisions on what I should or shouldn't do by considering the other people involved and how my decisions would affect them. I tried to bring issues to the table to work them out, even though after the first dozen or so attempts at this I knew it was a waste of time, blah blah blah. Sometimes, when things got so screwed up I lost my temper, yelled, screamed, and on occasion broke lots of things. Was this the right thing to do? The politically correct answer would be no, however, this is about the only times, when pushed way past my limits of endurance, that actually produced positive results. The other side of the coin was when I didn't get angry, I just got resigned, got tired of it all, and made preparations to leave. Again, things would get better for a while. Why did it always have to get so far before things changed?

 

So, to answer your question about what part did I play in my marriage being so bad?

 

My tolerance for being a doormat was way too short for my H's taste.

 

Although I was the WS, I could add these things to my list also. Except "got tired of it all, and got involved in an A."

[jwi71]

Yes, but that's assuming a person thinks cheating is the only thing that can ruin a marriage. It could be other things, such as an inability to communicate well, an inability to create an intimate relationship, etc. It all depends on what you consider a ruined marriage. I'd say any of the above things -- cheating, poor communication skills, a lack of intimacy are all things that cause terrible damage to a marriage. Whether or not these things completely ruin a marriage depends on the two people in the marriage and whether or not they feel they can remedy/work through the problems.

 

Fair enough.

 

Now, considering your points...is cheating really helping?

Why not talk? If the spouse is lacking in communication skills, work on them in IC/MC or even couples counseling. Exactly how does an A help the communication issues? And why choose an A over D?

A lack of intimacy? Talk about it with your spouse...or their MD or even a sex therapist. Seems to me MANY things aside from an A will help. Are you suggesting an A will HELP intimacy issues?

 

Oh I agree...each of things would make for a VERY hard M for BOTH. Seems like some of the things I suggested are a better way to repair the M.

Because an A seems to help the WS and not the BS. A rather selfish act no? And does it truly address these communication and/or intimacy issues?

 

And, when the WS reaches the point that the spouse is "incapable" of fixing the issue...why not get a D? Truly, if the spouse has exhausted ALL avenues...then the WS either accepts or rejects this "defect". Again, we are back at the WS and his/her internal issues aren't we?

 

I don't think when an affair occurs it is simply because of problems within the person having the affair. Things are amiss in the marriage. Sure it's wrong to handle it by having an affair, but I just think it's crazy to think it is ONLY a problem within the WS.

I didn't explain myself clearly then.

 

A WS cheats because of <insert reason>. No matter the reason, it ultimately boils down to the WS.

 

No matter how you slice it, it is WITHIN the WS. Once the issue is on the table and the "defective" BS can offer no more improvement...the WS must choose. Accept the limitation or do not. This decision to accept or reject is ENTIRELY within the WS. That decison process is the WS's period.

 

And lets be real...how many WS ACTUALLY exhaust all possible methods of "fixing" the M and the BS? Next to zero. I can say this because I have yet to hear of a story where the BS starts by saying "I knew she was going to cheat...". Usually, the WS utters not a word and simply cheats...

 

But, just look at the things you listed (or your ex-wife listed) were things you could have fixed in your own marriage:

 

Worked way too long.

Neglected her (took her for granted).

Made scarce time available TO and FOR her.

 

No attack intended, but surely when these things are happening in a marriage -- and I'm sure there is a list you could have made about your ex-wife also -- then the problems in the relationship are not solely one person's -- the wayward spouse. From what I see, there are all sorts of things that could be a work "ruining" the marriage.

I deserve to be chastised for my behavior - it was WRONG. Even now, after the hell she put (and puts) me through I wish I could undo it. Its embarrassing and humiliating to have to say those things about ME.

 

However, I am NOT responsible for her A. Why? I had no CLUE she was that unhappy. Remember where I said the BS rarley has a clue...yup...no effin' clue. I wish she had opened her mouth and said something. But she didn't. And how can I fix what I don't know is broken?

 

Do you think if she had just sat down and discussed them with you the problems would have been resolved? I'm not suggesting it doesn't help, but I wonder how many times a spouse has done this and nothing changes?

Well, I think if my xW had said "I am unhappy and here's why" I would have listened. But she didn't. Instead, she snuck around screwing her boss. Which, to be honest, didn't really help the M at all. Talk about torpedoing one's libido and sexual confidence...

 

I know you disagree.

 

Sometimes when a relationship is going poorly, addressing the concerns may be difficult or impossible. I know I've tried to address things in my own for years to no avail as far as communication is concerned.

And that's exactly WHY YOUR issues brought you to the A. You never faced them. Oh you tried I'm sure. And when you reached the point of "its not getting better"...what did YOU do? See, instead of ACCEPTING your H, you REJECTED him and those traits. No one blames you for that. Its a deeply personal choice...some will last longer, others shorter. But how did YOU respond? Did you file for D and walk away? Or cheat?

 

That's ultimately my point...by whatever decision matrix you use...you choose NOT D but an A. Some may have stayed and never cheated. Some may have left immediately. Some may have worked harder. Some may have chosen to accept the spouse's failures. And some cheat. ITs ALL on the WS and their "reasoning".

[eeyore1981]

Funny.... based on your other posts, I expected nothing less than this from you.

 

I aim to please! :p:p:p:p

[JaneInVegas]

I did/didn't do a lot of things to screw up my marriage.

 

I didn't keep the house clean enough for his standards.

My motto: My house is clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy

His motto: Hospital sanitary 24/7 ... still, I should have made an effort

 

Very rarely cooked (he's a professional chef, I expected him to do it too much)

 

He was close with his mother, I couldn't stand her, I never made an effort to get along with her (but I never fought with her, either)

 

I bugged him way too much for sex (but he needed Viagra and failed to tell me that for at least 4 years)

 

Had an affair on him (even though I'm glad to be away from him forever, I am sorry that I did that to him)

 

 

 

He did his fair share of schitt to our relationship too, but this thread is about confessions, not bashing on ex's. I'll respect that.

[Woggle]

Tried to hard to please her when there was no pleasing her.

 

I sat and did nothing while she snorted coke off of our kitchen table because I was trying to be understanding.

 

I sat there and took her emotional, verbal and sometimes physical abuse.

 

I put up with her general craziness because that is what a supportive man does.

[carhill]

this thread is about confessions, not bashing on ex's. I'll respect that.

 

Awesome!

[lkjh]

Yes, but that's assuming a person thinks cheating is the only thing that can ruin a marriage. It could be other things, such as an inability to communicate well, an inability to create an intimate relationship, etc. It all depends on what you consider a ruined marriage. I'd say any of the above things -- cheating, poor communication skills, a lack of intimacy are all things that cause terrible damage to a marriage. Whether or not these things completely ruin a marriage depends on the two people in the marriage and whether or not they feel they can remedy/work through the problems.

 

 

 

Obviously the WS has troubles within themselves they need to resolve. They need to learn to be happy with themselves. Obviously the marriage has issues. It takes work from both partners to be happy with each other.

 

I don't think when an affair occurs it is simply because of problems within the person having the affair. Things are amiss in the marriage. Sure it's wrong to handle it by having an affair, but I just think it's crazy to think it is ONLY a problem within the WS.

 

No the BS did not make the WS cheat. That's true enough.

 

But, just look at the things you listed (or your ex-wife listed) were things you could have fixed in your own marriage:

 

Worked way too long.

Neglected her (took her for granted).

Made scarce time available TO and FOR her.

 

No attack intended, but surely when these things are happening in a marriage -- and I'm sure there is a list you could have made about your ex-wife also -- then the problems in the relationship are not solely one person's -- the wayward spouse. From what I see, there are all sorts of things that could be a work "ruining" the marriage.

 

Do you think if she had just sat down and discussed them with you the problems would have been resolved? I'm not suggesting it doesn't help, but I wonder how many times a spouse has done this and nothing changes?

 

Sometimes when a relationship is going poorly, addressing the concerns may be difficult or impossible. I know I've tried to address things in my own for years to no avail as far as communication is concerned.

 

You are making excuses and trying to justify your cheating. Nobody made you get married young and nobody made you cheat. You chose to and you are 100% responsible for that even if the lifetime network says otherwise.

 

One person can easily destroy a marriage but most people are not willing to take 100% credit for the act. They lie to themselves and try to believe that their cheating was a symptom of a bigger problem. Cheating is a character flaw

[giotto]

I think my problem was not being able to understand my wife's issues. I did try, but with very little communication it was very difficult. Sex life suffered because I put pressure on her. That was a big mistake. She had her issues to solve first. But I did not know what the issues were because she never told me. She only told me she was suffering from anxiety. I knew she was very unhappy in her job. She never discussed it with me. She went on AD and she didn't tell me. I just got very angry and resentful and took the easy way out. From doing everything in the house, I just shut down and concentrated on work... I suppose I just became an absent father... no MC could solve anything... just too much baggage and resentment and lack of love from her behalf. I still believed we could salvage our marriage, but it was indeed too late.

 

So, I suppose I didn't know life well enough... maybe I was naive, immature. Call me an idealistic. I never thought my marriage would be like this...