A glimpse into my life...

[EricaH329]

This is the convo I just had with my ex. I hope this helps everyone to understand where i'm coming from.

 

Him: I miss cuddling with u

 

Me: Yeah I do too

 

Him::-/ I need u here Im going craZy

 

Me: That's really sweet, but you don't need me there. You are fine all on your own

 

Him: How?

 

Me: You are managing! You are working and going out and having fun, it's just like it was before you met me. You still have your family and friends.

 

Him: No. Before I met you it was better. Cuz now I know how much I love you and need you. And I can't imagine getting rid of that feeling.

 

Me: My heart breaks every time you say that. I want you to be happy.

 

Him: I want you.

 

Me: I know that but there's a huge difference between what you want and what you need. If you want something bad enough, you'll make sure you get it. But what you need is obviously to be single. Or we would be in a different situation.

 

Him: Lol if I needed to be single I wouldn't be celebate all this time :/ I love you.

 

Me: Don't you realize that it's the thought of me that you like more? I love you too. I want you to know that i'm not trying to deny your love for me, or make it seem as though you don't love me. I'm just trying to help you put things into perspective.

 

Him: We will be together again. And we will be so happy babe. I love you so much. I'm going back to the ship now. I love you so much baby, I will make this work I swear.

 

Me: What if I told you that I want you to move on? What if I told you that I don't want you to picture your life with me anymore?

 

Him: Do you? You dont wan't to be with me?

 

Me: I do want to be with you, but it's become so much more complicated than that.

 

Him: Goodnight love.

 

Me: Goodnight.

Edited December 22, 2009 by EricaH329

[Ms. Joolie]

Wow. I'm in love with you, too. lol. Seriously though, it does sound like you are putting up this wall of defense against him.

 

I think I have read that he just needs to be on his own, needs to be single as you say, and grow up a bit. Guess you're just waiting to prove his love for you will mature then? Hoping he will hold on to his word and really make it happen?

 

It sounds as if he really loves you! Why not give in now? But then again, you do love him, it's just not sexual right now...

[EricaH329]

Wow. I'm in love with you, too. lol. Seriously though, it does sound like you are putting up this wall of defense against him.

 

I think I have read that he just needs to be on his own, needs to be single as you say, and grow up a bit. Guess you're just waiting to prove his love for you will mature then? Hoping he will hold on to his word and really make it happen?

 

It sounds as if he really loves you! Why not give in now? But then again, you do love him, it's just not sexual right now...

 

Aw thanks!

 

Yes, I am doing just that. Waiting to see if his love is something that will last and mature with time.

 

Me giving in now would mean that I would be waiting for him to be 'strong enough' (as he puts it) to be in a relationship. He doesn't think we can be in a LDR (we've tried and it really doesn't work), so he's hoping I will wait around for him until he classes up and is allowed to have people live with him.

 

If I were to wait for him, I would need for him to prove to me that he always wants to be with me, not just when it's convenient for him.

 

I know how this whole thing is going to end, I can see it already. That's why i'm putting my defenses up. It's not going to last.

[Island Girl]

Me: I do want to be with you, but it's become so much more complicated than that.

 

The entire conversation has unhealthy undertones and addict vocabulary.

 

But the quote above is all anyone really needs to read to show you that you should not be talking to him.

 

You have not had any time to separate and sort out YOUR feelings. Even if you think you have - you haven't. Your conversation completely betrays where you are in this process.

 

Until you completely separate from him it will keep you from moving on.

 

Sometimes as much as we want to be friends with an ex we just can't.

Not because we do not care for them and always will.

Not because we want them and are desperate without them.

 

But because they had so much that we'll never get it ALL back and that makes the relationship dangerous emotionally and detrimental to any future with anyone else.

They carry a piece of us that whispers our name in the conversations.

And the only way to have a new fulfilling relationship is to rebuild that part to give again. The whispers tear it down and stop any progress.

 

You have the best intentions. But the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

 

This man that now has these conversations and says these things did not treat you even as well as I treat my acquaintances. Yet he gets the best of friendship from you.

You have recognized this enough not to be engaged to him and not to be all the way in a relationship with him.

I wish you recognized how horrible he was to you as a person let alone a friend or a boyfriend. He walked all over your feelings repeatedly and treated you again and again like you didn't matter. Now you are attempting friendship and wanting him to feel better.

 

Ask yourself - if this was a girl I was friends with who constantly treated me that way would I still be friends with her and put myself out for her?

Of course. She isn't being a friend to you so she doesn't get a friend IN you.

That rule should ALWAYS apply to EVERYONE.

[Island Girl]

Aw thanks!

 

Yes, I am doing just that. Waiting to see if his love is something that will last and mature with time.

 

Me giving in now would mean that I would be waiting for him to be 'strong enough' (as he puts it) to be in a relationship. He doesn't think we can be in a LDR (we've tried and it really doesn't work), so he's hoping I will wait around for him until he classes up and is allowed to have people live with him.

 

If I were to wait for him, I would need for him to prove to me that he always wants to be with me, not just when it's convenient for him.

 

I know how this whole thing is going to end, I can see it already. That's why i'm putting my defenses up. It's not going to last.

 

ahhhhhhhh. I just read this.

 

I am so sorry Erica. My advice to you still stands. I hope it makes sense.

 

But I see you are still entertaining a teenie bit of "maybe this time".

 

I don't want to see you go down this road. It will hurt no matter how many defenses you think you have up and I really don't want to see that.

But as a friend of mine loves to say: You will be done with it when you are done with it. No one can tell you or point it out. And when you are done - it won't matter what he says or does - you won't care to believe anymore because you finally will be done.

 

You are one of my fav "newbies". I think you are a very sweet and smart girl who is just still caught up in a fog right now.

 

{{EricaH}}

[EricaH329]

Island Girl -- Geez... you are so RIGHT!

 

I try to not think about what he did to me, because it makes me very, very angry. I tend to think of the 'here and now' rather than the past. That's something I need to work on.

 

But aside from that, you are 100% right. I'm SUCH an idiot for not thinking of this before... but he's doing the SAME thing he did last time! Telling me he loves me and wants to be with me, yet his actions are proving to be the complete opposite of that!

 

I think I knew that the whole time, but refused to believe it. I wanted to believe the words he was saying. I wanted to believe that all would be right one day.

 

You know, his actions are still not proving sh*t to me! It's all words! And when I say that to him, he will make an effort for a couple of days... then we won't speak to eachother for a week.

 

Wow, I feel like I just realized a whole new aspect. I do have a lot more thinking and understanding than I had originally thought.

 

He needs to be out of my life. He doesn't deserve my love, much less the time I give him.

 

Thank you!

[Island Girl]

Island Girl -- Geez... you are so RIGHT!

 

I try to not think about what he did to me, because it makes me very, very angry. I tend to think of the 'here and now' rather than the past. That's something I need to work on.

 

But aside from that, you are 100% right. I'm SUCH an idiot for not thinking of this before... but he's doing the SAME thing he did last time! Telling me he loves me and wants to be with me, yet his actions are proving to be the complete opposite of that!

 

I think I knew that the whole time, but refused to believe it. I wanted to believe the words he was saying. I wanted to believe that all would be right one day.

 

You know, his actions are still not proving sh*t to me! It's all words! And when I say that to him, he will make an effort for a couple of days... then we won't speak to eachother for a week.

 

Wow, I feel like I just realized a whole new aspect. I do have a lot more thinking and understanding than I had originally thought.

 

He needs to be out of my life. He doesn't deserve my love, much less the time I give him.

 

Thank you!

 

One thing for sure Erica, he can only sway you with those sweet words as long as you keep listening.

 

So I do hope you start looking at him with clear eyes - the ones you look at everyone else with.

Look at what is ACTUALLY there not what you WANT to see.

 

That is the first step is really seeing how he has treated you over and over again.

What kind of a person does that??

A REALLY REALLY REALLY CRAPPY COLD HEARTED ONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW THE REAL MEANING OF THE WORD LOVE.

SOMEONE WHO KNOWS THAT WORD HAS POWER OVER YOU AND USES IT TO GET WHAT HE WANTS BUT NEVER PAYS ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU WANT OR NEED.

 

You need to get these kinds of things going in your head as a mantra.

 

[EricaH329]

Look at what is ACTUALLY there not what you WANT to see.

 

That's my problem right there! I keep taking what he is saying, and adding it to what I want... which makes it impossible for me to see what is actually going on!

 

What I need to do is constantly remind myself of how he treated me, and how he uses his words to his advantage. Actions are what I need to be focused on. And once I do that, i'll realize that his words have no meaning. I am not giving him any more chances to prove anything to me. I've been allowing that nonsense to continue far too long. He should have already proved it to me.

 

That is the first step is really seeing how he has treated you over and over again.

What kind of a person does that??

A REALLY REALLY REALLY CRAPPY COLD HEARTED ONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW THE REAL MEANING OF THE WORD LOVE.

SOMEONE WHO KNOWS THAT WORD HAS POWER OVER YOU AND USES IT TO GET WHAT HE WANTS BUT NEVER PAYS ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU WANT OR NEED.

 

You need to get these kinds of things going in your head as a mantra.

 

 

Yes, I do. And everytime I begin to wonder why i'm not allowing him to lure me in again, I will come back to this thread and read those words over and over again until I realize.

 

What would I do without you Island Girl?

[Island Girl]

That's my problem right there! I keep taking what he is saying, and adding it to what I want... which makes it impossible for me to see what is actually going on!

 

Even if you don't add to it - you still do BELIEVE.

And you have been given EVERY REASON NOT TO.

Who gave you the reasons not to believe him and think he is a liar and a con artist? HIM.

 

What I need to do is constantly remind myself of how he treated me, and how he uses his words to his advantage. Actions are what I need to be focused on. And once I do that, i'll realize that his words have no meaning. I am not giving him any more chances to prove anything to me. I've been allowing that nonsense to continue far too long. He should have already proved it to me.

 

Yes and you need to not be listening to any words since they don't matter anyway. As in - stop talking to him completely. He is detrimental you you and your mental health. If something hurts you and makes you ill you just simply do not allow it in your life anymore.

 

What would I do without you Island Girl?

 

Awww thank you.

 

You deserve the best Erica and you will never have it if you keep looking in the same place that you have found crap over and over again before.

[lemonlegs]

I think Island Girl is totally right. It's sickening to think that my ex says those things. I think the only way you really know if he loves you is what he DOES. Anyone can say they love someone, but I'm convinced that a lot of young guys don't even really know what love is and what it requires.

[northstar1]

Erica. I think you need to break this cycle

of co-dependency. Block him for 6 months and

move on with your life.

[LovelyDaze]

The entire conversation has unhealthy undertones and addict vocabulary.

 

But the quote above is all anyone really needs to read to show you that you should not be talking to him.

 

You have not had any time to separate and sort out YOUR feelings. Even if you think you have - you haven't. Your conversation completely betrays where you are in this process.

 

Until you completely separate from him it will keep you from moving on.

 

Sometimes as much as we want to be friends with an ex we just can't.

Not because we do not care for them and always will.

Not because we want them and are desperate without them.

 

But because they had so much that we'll never get it ALL back and that makes the relationship dangerous emotionally and detrimental to any future with anyone else.

They carry a piece of us that whispers our name in the conversations.

And the only way to have a new fulfilling relationship is to rebuild that part to give again. The whispers tear it down and stop any progress.

 

You have the best intentions. But the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

 

This man that now has these conversations and says these things did not treat you even as well as I treat my acquaintances. Yet he gets the best of friendship from you.

You have recognized this enough not to be engaged to him and not to be all the way in a relationship with him.

I wish you recognized how horrible he was to you as a person let alone a friend or a boyfriend. He walked all over your feelings repeatedly and treated you again and again like you didn't matter. Now you are attempting friendship and wanting him to feel better.

 

Ask yourself - if this was a girl I was friends with who constantly treated me that way would I still be friends with her and put myself out for her?

Of course. She isn't being a friend to you so she doesn't get a friend IN you.

That rule should ALWAYS apply to EVERYONE.

 

Wonderfully said. Tread lightly when dealing with an ex....they broke your heart once, you know...

[GrayClouds]

This is the convo I just had with my ex. I hope this helps everyone to understand where i'm coming from.

With all do respect Erica (no sentence start that way end well does it?) you are playing games with him and yourself. I do not know if your doing it to hurt yourself and punish him but whatever the reason, it is not good, and "it is coming from" a place of immaturity on both sides.

 

Him: I miss cuddling with u

 

Me: Yeah I do too

 

Him::-/ I need u here Im going craZy

 

Me: That's really sweet, but you don't need me there. You are fine all on your own

Why are you conversing with him, If you believe he is find on his own, then leave him on his own. If he has feeling for you these conversation are giving him breadcrumbs. Your stroking your ego while making yourself feel pain. Not a good combination for you.

 

Him: No. Before I met you it was better. Cuz now I know how much I love you and need you. And I can't imagine getting rid of that feeling.

 

Me: My heart breaks every time you say that. I want you to be happy.

 

Simply not honest, being with you will make him happy, if you really want him to be happy then get back together. But you want changes from him more then his happiness now. So you really mean:

Me: My heart breaks every time you say that. I want you to make changes

 

But being definetive with him may end the game your playing so it is safer to sick to generalities

 

Me: I know that but there's a huge difference between what you want and what you need. If you want something bad enough, you'll make sure you get it. But what you need is obviously to be single. Or we would be in a different situation.

 

Again if you believe that then you would move on. Your words and behavior do not match.

 

Me: Don't you realize that it's the thought of me that you like more? I love you too. I want you to know that i'm not trying to deny your love for me, or make it seem as though you don't love me. I'm just trying to help you put things into perspective.

 

Why don't you let him do that while you focus on putting your own things in perspective. It is a bit arrogant for you think you can do his work.

 

 

Him: We will be together again. And we will be so happy babe. I love you so much. I'm going back to the ship now. I love you so much baby, I will make this work I swear.

 

Me: What if I told you that I want you to move on? What if I told you that I don't want you to picture your life with me anymore?

 

That is simply teasing and a bit cruel. If you want to tell him, if you don't then stop playing like you do. It as if your keeping him on a hook just in case nothing better come along. If you have not made up your mind, it is time to, your messing with yours and his feelings.

 

Him: Do you? You dont wan't to be with me?

 

Me: I do want to be with you, but it's become so much more complicated than that.

 

This is not some movie, where you have to go through trials and tribulation, slip-ups and sorrow, before it becomes real.

 

QUESTIONS: What do you want? He is who he is, he may or may not change, look at him now. this is who he is. DO you want to be in a relationship with this guy?

 

If so then except him as he is now, if you can't then stop the game and move on to be kind to him and you. This is not romantic this is martyrdom. A quality relationship does not require martyrdom to be meaningful. Why do you think that it needs to be this "difficult and complicated". Chances are if it is, the relationship is for not.

[LovelyDaze]

QUESTIONS: What do you want? He is who he is, he may or may not change, look at him now. this is who he is. DO you want to be in a relationship with this guy?

 

If so then except him as he is now, if you can't then stop the game and move on to be kind to him and you. This is not romantic this is martyrdom. A quality relationship does not require martyrdom to be meaningful. Why do you think that it needs to be this "difficult and complicated". Chances are if it is, the relationship is for not.

 

My God, GrayClouds...I'm obviously not the OP and this hit me like a MAC truck!!

We all forget that our exes are who they are RIGHT NOW. You don't want that guy/girl again...trust me.

A lot of people LOVE and I mean loooove the drama a push and pull kind of relationship gives. F*** that!

I don't want dramatics and lovelorn goofiness. THAT'S why my ex is finished, kaput, goodbye!

[sean1970]

I don't doubt, Erica, that you have the best of intentions. Combined with some natural confusion, its all quite understandable. That said, Clouds held up a crystal clear mirror. Might be time to look into it...

 

~Sean

[Kantor]

I read your initial post, then read it again.

 

What do you really want out of the end of this Erica, do you even know?

[EricaH329]

I want to thank everyone for their replies!

 

I'd like to say that the reason why i've stuck around this long is because I love this man. And for that reason, I felt it was beyond rediculous to give up on someone when I love them so much. People who love eachother don't give up on eachother, right?

 

He is not capable of being in an LDR. Yet, he says all of these things to me, hoping and wishing that I wait for him. That I wait until he is able to get me to move where he is (in Sept. btw).

 

He seems to think that love is enough to make a relationship work. I've seen first hand (and he should have, also) that isn't the case. Things need to be worked on. Things need to be changed. And unless either of those happen, a relationship will fail miserably.

 

I continue to tell him that things to need to change. I tell him exactly what they are, and give him the benefit of the doubt constantly because of the fact that he is always telling me that he loves me and he cares about me.

 

The things I say to him are nice ways of saying what I really mean. Any idiot can get the hint. I'm not a mean person, to anyone. I don't like being mean, and I don't care if they were the most HORRIBLE person to me ever... I simply cannot be mean. I will say things the nicest way that I can.

 

That being said, I personally do not feel as though I am handling this situation with immaturity. I think I am being sensitive to him, and myself also. This isn't a fun situation that either of us are in, and to make it worse by being blunt or rude is unnecessary.

 

Island Girl brought up a very good point. One that I hadn't taken into consideration. He treated me like crap, walked all over me, and then I continued to allow him the chance to change. To treat me differently. He has yet to do that.

 

Do any of you realize how hard this is on me? Imagine the ex that you are trying to get over, tells you non-stop that they are in love with you. That they can't live without you. Do you honestly think that you would be able to just walk away from that without a second thought?

 

I need for you all to put yourselves in my position. No, I don't want a pity party, but I want some understanding.

 

I am going to begin pushing him away. It isn't fair that i'm continuing to allow him to drag me along, while he makes no effort.

[JaggedRoad]

Sugarcoating things will only confuse him. I've been in his shoes, so I say that with certainty. Be as blunt as you can be.

[GrayClouds]

I want to thank everyone for their replies!

 

I'd like to say that the reason why i've stuck around this long is because I love this man. And for that reason, I felt it was beyond rediculous to give up on someone when I love them so much. People who love eachother don't give up on eachother, right?

 

I knew a woman who had a guy who use to beat her, but she loved and would not give up on him. There is a reason I use the past tense.

 

He is not capable of being in an LDR. Yet, he says all of these things to me, hoping and wishing that I wait for him. That I wait until he is able to get me to move where he is (in Sept. btw).

 

This the guy you love, he does not love you enough to be "capable of being in an LDR". Do you think your worth enough for some to love you enought to be capable? Is it ok for him to be screwing around on you until he is back, to keep you on the hook with sweet words so he has some snatch ready to go when he comes back?

 

He seems to think that love is enough to make a relationship work.

You really want to put your heart in someone that immature?

 

I continue to tell him that things to need to change. I tell him exactly what they are, and give him the benefit of the doubt constantly because of the fact that he is always telling me that he loves me and he cares about me.

 

So have they change if not he does not care enough to listen.

 

The things I say to him are nice ways of saying what I really mean. Any idiot can get the hint. I'm not a mean person, to anyone. I don't like being mean, and I don't care if they were the most HORRIBLE person to me ever... I simply cannot be mean. I will say things the nicest way that I can.

 

That being said, I personally do not feel as though I am handling this situation with immaturity. I think I am being sensitive to him, and myself also. This isn't a fun situation that either of us are in, and to make it worse by being blunt or rude is unnecessary.

 

At a party I had toilet paper hanging from my butt, did not know it and most of the guest was too nice to tell me. A friend who actually care about me was HONEST enough to tell me directly with truth. Being honest and direct often is the nicest thing you can do.

 

Some of the nicest people I know are the most dishonest because the obfuscate the truth or their meaning. Hinting at things give is a way of covering your A$$, or avoiding giving someone all the information.

 

Do any of you realize how hard this is on me? Imagine the ex that you are trying to get over, tells you non-stop that they are in love with you. That they can't live without you. Do you honestly think that you would be able to just walk away from that without a second thought?

 

All most most of us here understand had hard it is, otherwise we would be on a fantasy football blog, off road 4x4 forum, season 9 American Idol forum or watching a illegal Twilight download. A second thought is understandable, a third thought is likely, but after it hit double digits a walk should be a run.

 

I need for you all to put yourselves in my position. No, I don't want a pity party, but I want some understanding.

You have understanding is why we still care, still posting, but is it less about understanding you requesting or blind encouragement and agreement.

 

I am going to begin pushing him away. It isn't fair that i'm continuing to allow him to drag me along, while he makes no effort.

 

Begin? Decide what you want do ornot do, there is only confusion and pain in between.

 

being blunt or rude is unnecessary.

 

You may see this as blunt but their is no intent to be rude. As a intelligent, creative, roguishly good looking and incredibly humble guy once said "Being honest and direct often is the nicest thing you can do."

 

 

.

Edited December 23, 2009 by GrayClouds

[Island Girl]

I'd like to say that the reason why i've stuck around this long is because I love this man. And for that reason, I felt it was beyond rediculous to give up on someone when I love them so much. People who love eachother don't give up on eachother, right?

 

This is the problem. You believe you would be "giving up on him".

 

But in this life first a foremost you must take care of yourself. This man has betrayed your trust and YOU over and over again.

And before you say "he has never cheated on me etc" - there are OTHER ways you can betray someone.

ONE of those is telling you he will be different - and NOT. See that would be lying.

 

And how many times has that happened? A LOT. And every time it is a lie.

Then there are the smaller ones like "I will call you" and he doesn't. It is all betrayal and it is all hurtful.

 

You say "giving up on him" but truly what are you NOT giving up on? It isn't him. It is the dream that the lies he tells you will be true. THAT is what you refuse to give up on despite the mountain of evidence to the contrary.

 

He is not capable of being in an LDR. Yet, he says all of these things to me, hoping and wishing that I wait for him. That I wait until he is able to get me to move where he is (in Sept. btw).

 

He is not capable of being in a relationship. He is not capable of being engaged. He is DEFINITELY not capable of being married.

He is not capable of bringing joy and happiness to your life either.

 

What he IS capable of is stringing you along with empty promises that he is not willing to put ANY amount of effort into.

He doesn't even try to follow his own words.

 

The truth is - he doesn't HAVE to. He doesn't have to treat you well - he hasn't yet and there you still are listening to his drivel.

 

He seems to think that love is enough to make a relationship work. I've seen first hand (and he should have, also) that isn't the case. Things need to be worked on. Things need to be changed. And unless either of those happen, a relationship will fail miserably.

 

Erica. He talks and talks about love. But he doesn't emulate the actions of someone who loves you. I know it must be hard to reconcile the two but ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

Look at his ACTIONS. He does not behave as someone would who loves you.

He just talks a good game and your ears are wide open.

Please open your eyes and LOOK - and SEE.

 

But they aren't even happening now. They haven't changed each time.

And each time you go back you have taught him he doesn't HAVE to. He just has to put some time into conversation and you are right back in it.

 

I continue to tell him that things to need to change. I tell him exactly what they are, and give him the benefit of the doubt constantly because of the fact that he is always telling me that he loves me and he cares about me.

 

Yep. You continue to tell him and he continues to NOT DO IT.

 

Imagine the two of you are on opposite sides of the table.

You tell him "I am going to put my hand out on the table. Please do not smash it with that hammer because it HURTS."

He agrees that he won't.

 

You put your hand out and *BAM* he smashes it. You pull your hand back crying and he says "I didn't mean to. I won't do it again. I am so sorry."

 

And it happens OVER and OVER and OVER again.

 

At what point do you realize HE can not be trusted to cherish you. HE can not be trusted to care about what he does to you. HE can not be trusted to treat you well.

What he has shown over and OVER is that he can and does LIE. He can and will hurt you. AS LONG AS YOU KEEP GIVING HIM THE OPPORTUNITY.

 

The things I say to him are nice ways of saying what I really mean. Any idiot can get the hint. I'm not a mean person, to anyone. I don't like being mean, and I don't care if they were the most HORRIBLE person to me ever... I simply cannot be mean. I will say things the nicest way that I can.

 

Yes any idiot can get the hint. And you have told him so many times and in so many ways - he's GOT IT.

He just refuses to do it. He'll put in the "effort" to listen and say the things that push your buttons but he will not put the effort in to make YOU happy.

 

It is a sad cycle that will keep going on as long as YOU let it.

HE IS NO LONGER TO BLAME.

 

You say "I don't care if they were the most horrible person to me ever".

I'm thinking he hold that title now. And if you can't acknowledge that then you need to examine how often and how deeply he has hurt you.

And how he can pretty much be COUNTED ON to do so.

 

That being said, I personally do not feel as though I am handling this situation with immaturity. I think I am being sensitive to him, and myself also. This isn't a fun situation that either of us are in, and to make it worse by being blunt or rude is unnecessary.

 

I don't think immaturity is accurate - BUT I will say you are in a cycle where you set yourself up for pain and heartache over and over because you even LISTEN to him. You listen and then begin to believe...*BAM*

 

It isn't a fun situation for YOU.

He could have made it a different situation MANY times.

He chooses not to.

 

Island Girl brought up a very good point. One that I hadn't taken into consideration. He treated me like crap, walked all over me, and then I continued to allow him the chance to change. To treat me differently. He has yet to do that.

 

Yes. I did bring that up.

 

I am wondering when you will put a stop to the madness. When you will realize that those words that flow out of his mouth are NOT TRUE.

 

You say "we love each other" but the truth is YOU love HIM.

He does not know the meaning of the word and certainly does not treat you in any way lovingly. He doesn't treat you with kindness, thought, consideration of your feelings.

You are caught up in a cycle of lies. The words that he says to you are lies.

The worst part is you KNOW they are lies now. But you turn a blind eye to that too. You set yourself up to be hurt continually.

You set yourself up as a sacrifice at the altar of love over and over. You need to figure out why you are doing that.

Truly the reason is something that needs to be addressed WITHIN YOU.

 

There are a lot of people out there like him. They push those specific buttons in people that keep them doing this to themselves.

 

He just happens to push yours.

 

You think it is love - but you can not love someone who treats you with such carelessness and disregard.

 

Why don't you try writing out WHY you love him and what you love in him.

 

If you are honest he will not have many characteristics that are lovable...someone who craps on people, lies, betrays, and has no sense of integrity or sensitivity to others - who can take someone who cares about them and grind them into the dirt is pretty much a scum bag.

 

Do any of you realize how hard this is on me? Imagine the ex that you are trying to get over, tells you non-stop that they are in love with you. That they can't live without you. Do you honestly think that you would be able to just walk away from that without a second thought?

 

Erica, I do not mean this to sound harsh.

But YOU are doing this to yourself now. He has shown who he is. You keep believing the words that he'll be different. HE HAS SHOWN YOU WHO HE IS.

 

AND YES I CAN AND WOULD WALK AWAY WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT.

 

What is most important to me is how I am treated and how I am made to feel in a relationship.

If a man SAYS he loves me -- that simply IS NOT ENOUGH.

It never ever will be.

Actions speak louder than words. ACTIONS.

 

And believe me -- some people out there will treat you how you allow them to. You allow him to pull this song and dance with you and keep you sucked in. He will do the same thing as long as you allow him to.

 

I need for you all to put yourselves in my position. No, I don't want a pity party, but I want some understanding.

 

We ARE all putting ourselves in your position.

I am seriously telling you what I would do -- or actually what I would have done long ago.

 

A pity party is not what you need. And understanding can only go so far.

 

I know it will be painful initially. And it is painful to hear. You wish we could tell you some way that would make it easier - or better yet some miraculous way we could get through to him and fix it.

 

But that isn't going to happen. It isn't going to get fixed.

And to know that you are going through this is daunting because you know it will hurt. BUT YOU ARE BEING HURT NOW.

You have been hurt this ENTIRE TIME. It hasn't been so huge as it will be to cut him out of your life and move on. But if you stack up alllllllll of the times you have been hurt much more by continuing to hang on.

 

We all don't want to see it happen again and again.

 

I am going to begin pushing him away. It isn't fair that i'm continuing to allow him to drag me along, while he makes no effort.

 

Begin pushing him away? You either do or you don't. It is a NC situation for you.

[EricaH329]

You are all right. I know you are all right. He is not, and has not, been giving me what I need. He chalks it all up to him not being able to 'meet my standards', when in reality my standards are the most simple. The things that should be expected. I am not benefiting from this, and while most things in life aren't expected to give you something in return, I haven't gotten anything in return for almost a year.

 

This is the final e-mail I am going to send him, before blocking him from everything. Before you all say that he doesn't deserve a final e-mail, this is something I feel needs to be done.

 

N --

 

You are, and always will be, my first true love. I think that's most of the reason why i've continued to let our relationship drag on the way that it has. I've been holding onto the love that I have for you. But i'm beginning to realize that what i'm doing is pointless. It's not only hurting myself, but it's hurting you also.

 

I am taking full responsibility for my part in this. I have known since we broke up that us talking would only postpone both of us from moving on. Yet, I continued to talk to you. I didn't want to move on, and I knew you didn't either. But this relationship that we have is extremely unhealthy for the both of us.

 

I need more. It's really as simple as that. And you cannot give that to me. You are fully capable of doing so, but you refuse to. Through all of the excuses, it all comes down to one simple fact. You don't want to put the effort in. I don't completely blame you, i've allowed you to treat me this way for a very long time now. I shouldn't have put up with it from the beginning. But I did. And it all really comes back to the same reason, because I love you.

 

I really don't want to drag this out any longer. I love you, but I am giving up hope. I will always remember what we had, and no one will be able to replace you, but i'm going to move on. And i'd like you to do the same. I know you say that you don't want to, but it'd be in your best interest if you did.

 

I want you to be happy outside of me. I want you to be single for awhile and really try to figure out who you are. I know you are confused and unaware of what you want right now, but I think if you give it some serious thought you will be able to not only realize who you are, but you will be able to better yourself.

 

You will be a great boyfriend, excellent husband, and an even better father one day, when you are ready. I love you N. Please take care of yourself.

[Phateless]

This is the convo I just had with my ex. I hope this helps everyone to understand where i'm coming from.

 

Him: I miss cuddling with u

 

Me: Yeah I do too

 

Him::-/ I need u here Im going craZy

 

Me: That's really sweet, but you don't need me there. You are fine all on your own

 

Him: How?

 

Me: You are managing! You are working and going out and having fun, it's just like it was before you met me. You still have your family and friends.

 

Him: No. Before I met you it was better. Cuz now I know how much I love you and need you. And I can't imagine getting rid of that feeling.

 

Me: My heart breaks every time you say that. I want you to be happy.

 

Him: I want you.

 

Me: I know that but there's a huge difference between what you want and what you need. If you want something bad enough, you'll make sure you get it. But what you need is obviously to be single. Or we would be in a different situation.

 

Him: Lol if I needed to be single I wouldn't be celebate all this time :/ I love you.

 

Me: Don't you realize that it's the thought of me that you like more? I love you too. I want you to know that i'm not trying to deny your love for me, or make it seem as though you don't love me. I'm just trying to help you put things into perspective.

 

Him: We will be together again. And we will be so happy babe. I love you so much. I'm going back to the ship now. I love you so much baby, I will make this work I swear.

 

Me: What if I told you that I want you to move on? What if I told you that I don't want you to picture your life with me anymore?

 

Him: Do you? You dont wan't to be with me?

 

Me: I do want to be with you, but it's become so much more complicated than that.

 

Him: Goodnight love.

 

Me: Goodnight.

 

Stop talking to him. If you want to move on you need to go NC. You have nobody to blame but yourself.

 

You should not have answered his IM. BAD Erica, BAD.

[HeavenOrHell]

That's a really heartfelt email Erica, the only thing I would change is I wouldn't say "I want you to be single for a while and really try to figure out who you are."

I know why you're saying it, I understand the reasons, and it does sound like he needs to be on his own for a while, but it's not really something anyone can ask of someone else, he will be single if he chooses to be, it has to be his decision, I don't mean this horribly but it's not really your business now whether he's single or not, because he's not your partner now.

Maybe you could just word it differently, ie "maybe some time alone might help you to move forward." Or something like that, as long as it doesn't sound patronising!

 

 

You are all right. I know you are all right. He is not, and has not, been giving me what I need. He chalks it all up to him not being able to 'meet my standards', when in reality my standards are the most simple. The things that should be expected. I am not benefiting from this, and while most things in life aren't expected to give you something in return, I haven't gotten anything in return for almost a year.

 

This is the final e-mail I am going to send him, before blocking him from everything. Before you all say that he doesn't deserve a final e-mail, this is something I feel needs to be done.

 

N --

 

You are, and always will be, my first true love. I think that's most of the reason why i've continued to let our relationship drag on the way that it has. I've been holding onto the love that I have for you. But i'm beginning to realize that what i'm doing is pointless. It's not only hurting myself, but it's hurting you also.

 

I am taking full responsibility for my part in this. I have known since we broke up that us talking would only postpone both of us from moving on. Yet, I continued to talk to you. I didn't want to move on, and I knew you didn't either. But this relationship that we have is extremely unhealthy for the both of us.

 

I need more. It's really as simple as that. And you cannot give that to me. You are fully capable of doing so, but you refuse to. Through all of the excuses, it all comes down to one simple fact. You don't want to put the effort in. I don't completely blame you, i've allowed you to treat me this way for a very long time now. I shouldn't have put up with it from the beginning. But I did. And it all really comes back to the same reason, because I love you.

 

I really don't want to drag this out any longer. I love you, but I am giving up hope. I will always remember what we had, and no one will be able to replace you, but i'm going to move on. And i'd like you to do the same. I know you say that you don't want to, but it'd be in your best interest if you did.

 

I want you to be happy outside of me. I want you to be single for awhile and really try to figure out who you are. I know you are confused and unaware of what you want right now, but I think if you give it some serious thought you will be able to not only realize who you are, but you will be able to better yourself.

 

You will be a great boyfriend, excellent husband, and an even better father one day, when you are ready. I love you N. Please take care of yourself.

[EricaH329]

Stop talking to him. If you want to move on you need to go NC. You have nobody to blame but yourself.

 

You should not have answered his IM. BAD Erica, BAD.

 

 

I knowwwwwww!!! I hate feeling like time has been wasted!

 

 

That's a really heartfelt email Erica, the only thing I would change is I wouldn't say "I want you to be single for a while and really try to figure out who you are."

I know why you're saying it, I understand the reasons, and it does sound like he needs to be on his own for a while, but it's not really something anyone can ask of someone else, he will be single if he chooses to be, it has to be his decision, I don't mean this horribly but it's not really your business now whether he's single or not, because he's not your partner now.

Maybe you could just word it differently, ie "maybe some time alone might help you to move forward." Or something like that, as long as it doesn't sound patronising!

 

You are totally right! I haven't sent it to him yet, I was actually hoping for some suggestions as to what I should add or erase from that e-mail. Thank you so much! I will definitely change that!

 

Oh btw -- I just checked his FB page, one last time, and I noticed he put up a status that says "Nice guys finish last but ima bet on the long shot. So it might work out in the end." I never know what he means when he writes that kind of stuff. Considering we only talk maybe once a week.

 

Either way, after reading that I started to feel sick. Literally sick to my stomach. I think i'm going to throw up.

[HeavenOrHell]

No problems hun, and yes I would it extremely hard to be in your shoes, heart wrenching

What do you think his fb status means? Why has it churned you up? I didn't really understand, I'm probably being slow, sorry, I'm tired so nothing makes much sense these days

Hope you are ok...

 

 

I knowwwwwww!!! I hate feeling like time has been wasted!

 

 

 

 

You are totally right! I haven't sent it to him yet, I was actually hoping for some suggestions as to what I should add or erase from that e-mail. Thank you so much! I will definitely change that!

 

Oh btw -- I just checked his FB page, one last time, and I noticed he put up a status that says "Nice guys finish last but ima bet on the long shot. So it might work out in the end." I never know what he means when he writes that kind of stuff. Considering we only talk maybe once a week.

 

Either way, after reading that I started to feel sick. Literally sick to my stomach. I think i'm going to throw up.