6 year relationship down the drain. oh god...

[yulia]

I don't even know where to start. I'm gong through a break up. I can't believe I just said that. I'm completely in denial. I have been with him since our senior year of high school and we have known each other since 6th grade. He is the love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend...

I just graduated from college last may. so that makes like 6 years or something... we never really kept track of it.

He dropped out of school... although he is extremely talented painter... he didnt want to fit into the traditional conventions of school which is something ive always understood.

I threw myself into school thinking that i needed to do well for both of us. unfortunately it caused me to neglect our relationship this past year. so i'm blaming this on myself...

even though he might not be perfect. i love him so much. and now he says that he "just doesnt want to be in a relationship anymore" i know he needs to work on himself but i have this overwhelming feeling that i just cant go on without him. he has so much of me. im used to spending every moment with him.

and the worst part is that this fighting and "breaking up" has been going on since september. we broke up, mutually, then he freaked out and i took him back and then he broke up with me and i freaked out and he took me back and now this. I stayed with him all weekend and we still have amazing sex... like really amazing sex. and he told me he loves me and held me at night. but during the day... when other people are around its likehe doesnt want our friends to see us together like that anymore and so he kind of ignores me. the amount of pain that i feel when i think about not being with him is unbarable. i feel so destroyed... its ridiculous i cant even beleive this is happening to me. i am just so overly emotional about it. i cant help it. and i know its making it worse but...

what did i do to deserve this? i know this is like really distructive and i should just break away and not talk to him but i really cant find the strength. someone please help me. i really.... i just cant get any lower. i cant stop crying like someone died. i feel like such a helpless baby. im scared.

[yulia]

just wanted to add that im sorry this makes no sense... but i guess maybe you all could let me slide this once...

[Simon Attwood]

It all makes perfect sense to me.

 

We are all afraid.

 

It's easy to blame someone, whether we blame ourselves or whether we blame our partner, but the fault really lies in our nature.

 

I have no magic cure or answer to your problems, because there are no magic cures or answers. Fear is such an integral part of who we are that you can't just take it out and educate it. Educating ourselves in to being able to overcome unreasoning fear takes a lot of time and effort.

 

As Neo walked in the The Oracle's kitchen in "The Matrix", upon the wall was a sign that read "Tenet Nosce". this means; know yourself.

 

That's the only answer I have.

[yulia]

thanks for answering me. i feel like i really need to talk about this but i feel embarrassed by the whole thing... partly because of how pathetic im acting and partly because i just hate bothering my friends and family with my problems. i'm usually the problem solver.

how am i supposed to get through tomorrow like this? its 5am and i cant sleep! this is messing up so many parts of my life. my family is mad at me now too... for being bitchy. i just cant take anymore ****. i dont think they can understand that.

can we cancel christmas please?!

im just so ****ing sad...

is there a way to like maybe pretend to feel the way a person would who was almost through this? like maybe i could pretend to feel some other way and i would eventually believe it. nothing on the happy side... im sure that would be impossible.

 

this is so stupid. i want to be able to fix it. id do anything to fix it.

[jms76]

Yulia,

 

I was in your exact same position many years ago. Dated a woman for 7 years and she broke it off with me. I was devastated to say the least. I was in a lot of physical and emotional pain.

 

How did I get through it?

 

Slowly and painfully. I imagine you will go through the same. I'm sorry to tell you this but there just isn't any other way. Stop the contact with your ex and allow yourself to grieve. One day at a time. I think you'll be amazed at how your mind will slowly adjust to the situation if you let it. Do not deny what's happening since this will only delay the healing process.

 

If you can, lean on your friends and family. You said you were embarrassed but you shouldn't be. Chances are, some of your friends and family have also experienced the pain of a breakup.

 

Finally, you're young! The first time is the hardest. I'm not saying things will not work out with you and this guy but realize you have your whole life ahead of you. You said you would do anything to fix the situation but sometimes you just have to give in and admit that you can't. Once you realize this, you will begin healing.

[wondering_girl]

hi yulia,

 

i'm sorry to hear about what you're going through but i agree with jms let time do it's thing, i know it's easier said than done and you were with him for 6 years, well, think about what do YOU want now, do you want HIM back? or not... your decision alone will tell you what to do next, you making this decision will take some time so take some time and think about YOU first, i know it's hard to get used to him not being there but if you want him back, you being around and still sleeping w/him will not make him realize what he lost........

 

i know it's easier said than done

[Fitness Dude]

Yulia,

 

The story plays out on here, day after day after day. I've only been on this site for a few weeks, but I'm amazed at how this happens to all the people who least expect it.

 

I know, I am one of them. It came without warning, and I was devastated. I didn't know how to work, to eat, to sleep. Everything was a challenge, even smiling seemed impossible at one point.

 

I hated hearing from people saying things like...."it will get better, I promise". I couldn't stand hearing that, I felt like saying....."I DON'T WANT TO FEEL BETTER"!!

 

But, I lived through the pain, and finally got the point where I realized that I HAD to get through and start making changes that bettered myself. I hate to repeat the exact same thing that I hated to hear myself, but I promise that you'll get better with all of this. You'll protect yourself the next time and be better because of it.

 

Contacting him, is only going to make things worse (believe me, I learned from experience - the hard way). Go NC, and move on the best way you can. Use your friends and family to fill your time and stay busy. Again, all of this probably sounds annoying to you right now - that's how it was for me too. But it's GREAT advice that you NEED to follow.

 

Good luck, and I'm sorry you're going through this. I promise that more than half of us on this site are here b/c of the very same reason you are.

[yulia]

thanks for the advice. i know there is no easy fix but i needed to vent.

 

i really want to call him right now... so i did.... no answer. looks like ill be awake all night again...

[nobmagnet]

bless you button.

 

when you feel like contacting him write on here. rant cry and greive. Its normal.you said your folks were cross becauseyou were bitchy..........hell yes you have every right my love. Try to tell them the hidious feelings you have and that you feel lost. Only you feel the way you do.If they are used to a FIXER they probably havent seen this vunerable side to you. You havent either. Cut yourself some slack allow yourself to feel poo there really isnt anything you can do to stop it. You are in a position of no control in your relationship and that sucks.

 

i wish I could help more.we are all here for you tho xx

[yulia]

thats very sweet thank you. i just cant control myself. everyone keeps say not to contact him but i just cant help it.

 

do you remember that part in the jerk when navin johnson explain how,

 

"The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it."

 

thats how it feels

[LovelyDaze]

thats very sweet thank you. i just cant control myself. everyone keeps say not to contact him but i just cant help it.

 

do you remember that part in the jerk when navin johnson explain how,

 

"The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it."

 

thats how it feels

 

Hi yulia.

I'm LovelyDaze and LS has been the best thing that has ever happened to me in my breakup.

My ex dumped me to be engaged to a girl he only knew for 2 wks. Recently he has come back to beg for another chance, I am talking a thousand texts, calls & e-mails. I refused basically and he ended up going back to his fiancee the next morning!

 

A mess, right? Yes.

At this time, your heart is running all over the stage, telling you that by contacting your ex-it'll prove your love to him. WRONG!!!! Just please, for you, try to spend at least one day...just one....to NOT contact him at all.

 

Find your strength and assess the situation carefully. Your broken heart can't think rationally at all. Let your mind show you what is real. Your ex doesn't want to be with you right now...well, let him go.

 

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. You are worth pining over. You are worth HIM calling you to apologize. You are worth more than getting crumbs from unanswered calls. Believe.

[JL911]

All too often we face this at some point in life. The feeling you are having I wouldnt wish apon my worst enemy...The pain and heartace is terrible...The minutes drag on like hours and every day feels like nothing...Most of us on here at one point were all there, some like myself have moved on and still remain to try to help those just starting the process...

 

I was in a 4 year relationship that literally fell apart in a matter of weeks (so it seemed) I grabbed at straws and literally fell apart trying to show someone how much they meant to me....I was going to propose this Chirstmas....Odd how my life has changed off of the original path I thought I had...

 

Shes gone now...We dont speak and for the longest time that was really hard on me...But I found myself going to therapy and trying to better my situation. Talking about things really helps. You may find that eventhough you may blame yourself, this is not your fault...These things really just happen as ****ty as that sounds...

 

I finally found happiness in my life again, and not soon after found someone else, who is actually very amazing...I guess i figure if you fall off the horse, you gota get back up and get back on...So that is what I did..

 

Things change in life for various reasons...We are quite resistant to change however it seems that certain things have a way of teaching you a lesson and pointing you in an even better direction...

 

You need to look at the good in yourself and see you are a worthy person...Capable of loving and being loved with many great qualities that a worthy man would be happy to have...For the longest time I had a hard time looking at myself in the mirror...I was saying if i was only this or only that this wouldnt have happened....However, I was the best thing throughout my relationship, I was myself and for some reason that was not good enough...She was not worthy of what I had to offer...

 

I wish you well.

Edited December 23, 2009 by JL911

[HeavenOrHell]

I agree with all of this except that the first time is the hardest, I have had a few relationship break ups in my life and this is by far the worst.

 

Yulia,

 

I was in your exact same position many years ago. Dated a woman for 7 years and she broke it off with me. I was devastated to say the least. I was in a lot of physical and emotional pain.

 

How did I get through it?

 

Slowly and painfully. I imagine you will go through the same. I'm sorry to tell you this but there just isn't any other way. Stop the contact with your ex and allow yourself to grieve. One day at a time. I think you'll be amazed at how your mind will slowly adjust to the situation if you let it. Do not deny what's happening since this will only delay the healing process.

 

If you can, lean on your friends and family. You said you were embarrassed but you shouldn't be. Chances are, some of your friends and family have also experienced the pain of a breakup.

 

Finally, you're young! The first time is the hardest. I'm not saying things will not work out with you and this guy but realize you have your whole life ahead of you. You said you would do anything to fix the situation but sometimes you just have to give in and admit that you can't. Once you realize this, you will begin healing.

[HeavenOrHell]

Aw hun, my heart goes out to you. I know what it is like to feel all these things. I was left after 18 years in july, at times I am still in denial. You are not pathetic, it is normal to feel all these things, it would be strange if you acted like nothing had happened.

I feel the same, I have lost my soul mate, love of my life (or so I thought) and best friend, and I neglected him as I was too busy for him the last couple of years.

I feel I don't deserve this either but s*** happens even to nice people!

I feel scared too, lots of people on this site do too, you're not alone in how you feel, believe me.

It does take time to get through it, it can't be hurried, if only!

Hang in there hun and talk to your friends and family about how you feel. I'm also seeing a relationship therapist.

 

 

I don't even know where to start. I'm gong through a break up. I can't believe I just said that. I'm completely in denial. I have been with him since our senior year of high school and we have known each other since 6th grade. He is the love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend...

I just graduated from college last may. so that makes like 6 years or something... we never really kept track of it.

He dropped out of school... although he is extremely talented painter... he didnt want to fit into the traditional conventions of school which is something ive always understood.

I threw myself into school thinking that i needed to do well for both of us. unfortunately it caused me to neglect our relationship this past year. so i'm blaming this on myself...

even though he might not be perfect. i love him so much. and now he says that he "just doesnt want to be in a relationship anymore" i know he needs to work on himself but i have this overwhelming feeling that i just cant go on without him. he has so much of me. im used to spending every moment with him.

and the worst part is that this fighting and "breaking up" has been going on since september. we broke up, mutually, then he freaked out and i took him back and then he broke up with me and i freaked out and he took me back and now this. I stayed with him all weekend and we still have amazing sex... like really amazing sex. and he told me he loves me and held me at night. but during the day... when other people are around its likehe doesnt want our friends to see us together like that anymore and so he kind of ignores me. the amount of pain that i feel when i think about not being with him is unbarable. i feel so destroyed... its ridiculous i cant even beleive this is happening to me. i am just so overly emotional about it. i cant help it. and i know its making it worse but...

what did i do to deserve this? i know this is like really distructive and i should just break away and not talk to him but i really cant find the strength. someone please help me. i really.... i just cant get any lower. i cant stop crying like someone died. i feel like such a helpless baby. im scared.

[LovelyDaze]

Things change in life for various reasons...We are quite resistant to change however it seems that certain things have a way of teaching you a lesson and pointing you in an even better direction...

 

 

Love that!

I've learned that is what my ex's problem is. He is following a pattern of dating a very young girl(18), marrying her after no time at all, cheating left & right, then leaving her. My ex even told this to me in my face that he doesn't see a future with her either...just like his ex-wife(annulled).

 

With me, we are both in our early 30s and I didn't cling to him, obsess over texting , call a million times a day like the women he is used to does.

I am different, therefore out of the pattern of the way he handles relationships. My ex said verbatim, "Do you even know how beautiful you are? I mean, you are unlike any woman I've dated. You have a life!"

 

Um...I thought that was a good thing, but apparently..not in his world.

[yulia]

its been really helpful reading all of the nice things everyone has been saying. I'm really glad i found you guys. thanks so much for understanding. i would really love it if i had someone, a friend, who i could look at in the face and tell everything to witout them looking at me like im crazy. at first i really felt like i was loosing my mind but after reading about how other people went through the same thing i know that im just being honest with myself. i have feelings, real ones, that i wasnt lying about when i expressed them. and it really hurts when your trust has been broken. this is a really hard thing to deal with on your own. so thanks for being here for me...

 

im so sad that i wont be able to go to christmas with his family... they love me and i miss them... what a damn shame this is. i hope they dont think bad things about me now. there are just so many things that this is messing up. everything i do reminds me of him. almost every minute.

 

this morning after taking my mom to work at like 7am i went over to his house and slept till noon with him. he was fine with it and seemed to love having me there. i dont understand why it has to be this way when i know that he loves me still. i just dont understand why he cant get it together enough to continue our life together. this man confuses me. what he is doing is so selfish. ive continuously worked so hard to get ahead. i always have but he just has no motivation for such things. he really needs to grow up but does he need to do that without me? i grew up with him... so why cant he? im confused about that.

 

this no contact thing. im not sure that im ready. ive def. reduced contact but i cant go cold turkey like that. i probably should but i feel like time is going SO slowly while i try and wait.

damnit it all...

[LovelyDaze]

its been really helpful reading all of the nice things everyone has been saying. I'm really glad i found you guys. thanks so much for understanding. i would really love it if i had someone, a friend, who i could look at in the face and tell everything to witout them looking at me like im crazy. at first i really felt like i was loosing my mind but after reading about how other people went through the same thing i know that im just being honest with myself. i have feelings, real ones, that i wasnt lying about when i expressed them. and it really hurts when your trust has been broken. this is a really hard thing to deal with on your own. so thanks for being here for me...

 

im so sad that i wont be able to go to christmas with his family... they love me and i miss them... what a damn shame this is. i hope they dont think bad things about me now. there are just so many things that this is messing up. everything i do reminds me of him. almost every minute.

 

this morning after taking my mom to work at like 7am i went over to his house and slept till noon with him. he was fine with it and seemed to love having me there. i dont understand why it has to be this way when i know that he loves me still. i just dont understand why he cant get it together enough to continue our life together. this man confuses me. what he is doing is so selfish. ive continuously worked so hard to get ahead. i always have but he just has no motivation for such things. he really needs to grow up but does he need to do that without me? i grew up with him... so why cant he? im confused about that.

 

this no contact thing. im not sure that im ready. ive def. reduced contact but i cant go cold turkey like that. i probably should but i feel like time is going SO slowly while i try and wait.

damnit it all...

 

You are going to have to go cold turkey in order to really heal. that is all.

[Howitzer]

hi, just wanted to say I'm in a similar situation. By that I mean I was with this girl since high school, and I just graduated in May too. We started having trouble in a long distance relation around October, and she finally broke it off a few weeks ago.

 

I went through a really rough week after, and ended up taking a medical leave from graduate school to have some time off. I'm by no means happy right now, but things get a lot better with time. I didn't believe it a few weeks ago, but it's true. I think the best way for you is to blindly believe it, and just hang until you feel better enough to start recovering.

 

As for NC, I don't know if that's the best thing to do. My girlfriend was such a big part of my life; she was a best friend as well as a lover, and this was mutually felt. I've been in contact with her pretty often, just talking things through, trying to reach a better understanding of what happened. This way, I'm denying myself a chance to harbor false hope for us to get back together.

 

However, I found it VERY important to understand reality from hope. That is, the fact that I was talking with my ex did not mean that she wanted to get back with me. She was there to help me come to terms with the break up, not to try to get back together.

 

That said, I am feeling hopeful at the moment that we'll get back together at some point, and I know this is me being hopeful, rather than realistic. Trying to deal with this right now.

[Howitzer]

Just wanted to add, if you ever want to talk, you can google chat me at [email protected]. I'm finding that being in the company of others helps immensely.