shadowplay Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I'm 26, he's 21, 4.5 years younger than me. We just started dating, but already things are moving in a serious direction. I really, really, really like him, but I'm getting increasingly concerned about the age difference. When we first met I barely thought about it, because I'm finishing college late and surrounded by younger guys. He is also mature for his age and looks older, so it didn't seem like a big deal. I guess I also was thinking it would just be a fling or whatever. But now that I've gotten to know him better, I feel pretty emotionally invested. Yet I don't know if this relationship is viable for the long term because of the age factor. Personally it doesn't bother me, but I worry that it would become an issue for him were we to stay together. I read all these stories on LS about men getting involved with older women and then later regretting it. Also, he's inexperienced. I'm his first sexual partner. He's really, really into me, but won't he eventually want more experience? I'm too old for a relationship that comes with an expiry date. At this point I don't want to get involved with anybody unless there's a possibility of something serious and long term. What do you guys think?
Crazy Magnet Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 How long have you been dating? I think it's perfectly ok to sit down and have an open and honest chat with him about where he sees things going in the future. The only way you will know what kind of relationship he wants is to ask him. And it's ok to tell him what you're looking for as well. He may be relieved to know that you are looking to settle down (or he may run screaming, who knows!) I've had guy friends who married their first sexual partner, and guy friends who have wanted to "play the field." I appears to be a very individual thing.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Your concerns are valid, he might very well want more experience down the line but then again Shadowplay that could happen to any guy. If a person falls in love they won't care about experiencing other people, because they won't let something good go for the potential of something that might not even be better. I think you should put that thought to rest, sure it is a risk, but it is not set in stone. Have you expressed this concern to him?
Star Gazer Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Is this the guy from the other thread? If so.... Darnit! Yes, Shadow. You have reason to be concerned.
Author shadowplay Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 I think if I bring it up this early it might freak him out because we've only been together for a few weeks. He's told me that I'm best thing that's happened to him in years, that I'm always on his mind, and that he thinks I'm amazing. We have a real connection, and I'm elated that we met. But given his age and inexperience I can't imagine him taking kindly to a girl saying she's looking for somebody to settle down with. My only hope is that as he grows more attached to me, he'll start to want it on his own.
Author shadowplay Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Is this the guy from the other thread? If so.... Darnit! Yes, Shadow. You have reason to be concerned. Yep... I know, it sucks. Because he's great. I just wish he were a few years older.
tigressA Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Your concerns are valid, he might very well want more experience down the line but then again Shadowplay that could happen to any guy. If a person falls in love they won't care about experiencing other people, because they won't let something good go for the potential of something that might not even be better. Exactly. You run the risk of this sort of thing happening with any guy, not just younger ones. You just have to trust in your guy's feelings for you, and yours for him.
Author shadowplay Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Honestly, I have no idea what the pitfalls are because I've never gotten involved with somebody this much younger. I notice that he's a bit less mature than I am in some respects, but that's about it.
Knossos Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 The age difference isn't that bad. It comes down to maturity in the end. If he's the kind of guy who takes the important things in his life seriously, then you two might stand a chance.
Author shadowplay Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 The age difference isn't that bad. It comes down to maturity in the end. If he's the kind of guy who takes the important things in his life seriously, then you two might stand a chance. Yeah, he seems very mature and together for his age. He's definitely more emotionally healthy than any of the other guys I've dated (who were older).
Author shadowplay Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Honestly, part of it is the embarrassment of what other people will think/say (friends and family). I know that shouldn't even be a factor, but somehow it is.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Shadow at the end of the day, every relationship is a gamble, sometimes the seemingly best opportunities turn out to be the worst. You can only play it one day at a time. Realistically what are you options now? You dump him because you are falling for him and you are freaking out? That makes no sense. I mean if the guy had shown any signs of not being as invested in this as you, I could understand your hesitation and need to bolt but I would be willing to guess that even if you were going out with the ideal guy right now you would still find some reason to get freaked out. How do I know that? We women have a tendency to do that, to get freaked out when things are going just fine. The implications of things going really well are sometimes scarier than if things were actually shaky. You mentioned in your other thread you were falling for him, let it be. Go with it. If you get hurt you get hurt. You can't avoid it, if you could have avoided it it would have been before you actually pursued him. Now it seems silly to back out. I think you might be getting ahead of yourself, what if next month you see things in him that turn you off and you want to end it? Anything is possible.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Honestly, part of it is the embarrassment of what other people will think/say (friends and family). I know that shouldn't even be a factor, but somehow it is. The embarrassment of being with a guy who is totally into you and is smitten with you? I think a lot of girls would want to have your problem!
Knossos Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 A five year age difference shouldn't evoke that much comment from family and friends. The embarrassment factor is totally understandable, though. Some people will make jokes or say things that will test your resolve (and his), perhaps even causing you to doubt the relationship (if one ever gets off the ground). But if you both care enough about each other, and are strong enough as individuals, then what other people think and say won't matter a bit.
burning 4 revenge Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Honestly, part of it is the embarrassment of what other people will think/say (friends and family). I know that shouldn't even be a factor, but somehow it is. Well dont mention the ejaculation thing to them over the holidays
Mr Locario Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 This is not really that big of an age difference. Also don't worry about what other people are going to say. Live your life for you and not them
InspiredbyYou Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Well dont mention the ejaculation thing to them over the holidays ooohh this sounds juicy...pardon the pun...
tryagaintoday Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 my rule of thumb is (your age/5) = A +/- A to your age. So for your case (26), A = 5 You can date / marry those between 21 to 31 something like that
Simon Attwood Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 When you walk upon a 6 inch wide wall, that is only 6 inches high, it is easy to keep your balance and stay on the wall. But make that wall 60 feet high by the same width and you are much more likely to lose your balance and fall. What causes this phenomenon, I hear you ask? (Did you ask or am I hearing voices? ) Well when we fear something happening it actually focuses our attention on what we fear, and, bizarrely, by focusing on it we unconsciously influence ourselves in to making what we fear, real. Being afraid of something happening, can actually make it more likely that it will happen. Fear can become a self fulfilling prophecy. It's just a flaw in the way our brains work, there are lots of them
SadandConfusedWA Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 But make that wall 60 feet high by the same width and you are much more likely to lose your balance and fall. What causes this phenomenon, I hear you ask? (Did you ask or am I hearing voices? ) Well when we fear something happening it actually focuses our attention on what we fear, and, bizarrely, by focusing on it we unconsciously influence ourselves in to making what we fear, real. Being afraid of something happening, can actually make it more likely that it will happen. Fear can become a self fulfilling prophecy. It's just a flaw in the way our brains work, there are lots of them Yep, story of my life. BTW shadow, you being his first might work in your favour. He could get VERY attached to you for that very reason. Although I am not sure if men think like that
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