EcstasyX6 Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Is it suitable to buy your STBXH a Christmas gift? If so, should I get something that I typically would have in the past(expensive) vs something that is nice, but simple. My Mom and one of my best gfs say no, but we are still friendly, and like each other so I thought that I should, but they have me second guessing myself. Is anyone doing this?
Tony T Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Get him something simple and inexpensive...under the circumstances.
imagine Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 What do you give a husband when you have given away your virtue. It's like saying "I gambled away the family fortune -have a lollipop!" My advice is that you should not continue to hurt him further. Offer him your shame and vacate! Allow him to recover...
Author EcstasyX6 Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 What do you give a husband when you have given away your virtue. It's like saying "I gambled away the family fortune -have a lollipop!" My advice is that you should not continue to hurt him further. Offer him your shame and vacate! Allow him to recover... We are still celebrating Christmas together because of the kids. I'm thinking they'll think it's weird on Christmas day when there'e no gift from Mommy to Daddy. We've been sleeping in separate rooms for months, and the kids know there are problems, but we haven't mentioned the word 'divorce' to them yet.
nobmagnet Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 a token present then. something that wont give him hope.
tojaz Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I agree, keep it small and meaningless. If he is still holding out hope, then there can be a lot of meaning attached to it even if you don't intend, but getting nothing, especialy if he thought of you, would hurt even worse. TOJAZ
imagine Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Your arrangement IS dishonorable. Please understand I do not knock you but rather your choices. Do not say that you are there for the kids when you are happy to sabotage their trust in their parents for the sake of mom's sex life. I gather that you are very happy with your new man. Good for you. I encourage you to realize that marriage is a team sport. You have dropped you husband and your kids. And a woman gets a lot older more quickly than her man. Hope this new man is as good as the last.
Author EcstasyX6 Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Your arrangement IS dishonorable. Please understand I do not knock you but rather your choices. Do not say that you are there for the kids when you are happy to sabotage their trust in their parents for the sake of mom's sex life. I gather that you are very happy with your new man. Good for you. I encourage you to realize that marriage is a team sport. You have dropped you husband and your kids. And a woman gets a lot older more quickly than her man. Hope this new man is as good as the last. You are knocking me. We both made the choice. I am leaving my husband, but will never leave my children. My marriage fell apart a long time ago, and I'm not leaving my marriage for the OM. You don't know me, so I'm not sure how you can assume that my new relationship is just about sex. You are also stating generalities that everyone knows about marriage. I agree. Marriage is a team sport. I was just asking what's an appropriate gift for Christmas in this situation.
imagine Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Apologies if I have misinterpreted. I read some of your previous posts. You mentioned that your marriage was always rocky. It is quite common for a BS to revise history. But most importantly, you are married and cohabiting with another man. The marriage cannot be worth too much in your eyes. Have I misunderstood?
nobmagnet Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 (edited) give him something small.................. I send him the LS for support Edited December 22, 2009 by nobmagnet i wrote summat wrong
It_Is_What_It_Is Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 EcstaxyX6, which is which ... in your first post you wrote that you are newly divorced, here you state that he is STBXH. Clarify please. And why are you thinking of buying him a gift if you are divorced? Are you hoping to place him as plan B just in case ...?
Boundary Problem Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I got my former spouse a scarf. I'm sure he won't like it, but I wasn't willing to spend hours looking for the perfect scarf. So it is more a token gift, so he has something to open when we have brunch together on the 25th.
cupidotheblogger Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 If you feel the need to get him a gift, by all means do so. Whether he's your husband or STBXH, the choice is yours. If you don't plan on getting back together, I would not buy anything too expensive as this could give him the wrong idea about your relationship. Rather, get him something simple to let him know that you do care for him because you do have children together. Think of something that he enjoys doing. This could include an item that he can incorporate into his hobby, a picture of his favorite hobby, etc. If he doesn’t have a hobby, there are still basic gifts that you can get, an example would be a gift certificate to his favorite restaurant, home depot, etc. Hope this helps.
nobmagnet Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 i sent mine a school photo of our children and a tea towel with thier own drawing of thems self on. Its a token gift that is niether hopeful or anything but respect as they are his children too. just a thought. You could always take your kids to be photographed ( without you in obviously) thats a nice thing to do. It shows you respect him as their father. hope that helps
Author EcstasyX6 Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 EcstaxyX6, which is which ... in your first post you wrote that you are newly divorced, here you state that he is STBXH. Clarify please. And why are you thinking of buying him a gift if you are divorced? Are you hoping to place him as plan B just in case ...? My apologies. STB divorced. We're seeing a mediator next month. I don't know. That's why I'm asking what people do in this situation. We don't hate each other. Don't people buy their friends gifts for Christmas, or should I put him in the automatic hate pile as some people do as they divorce instead of acting like two civilized human beings?
Author EcstasyX6 Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 If you feel the need to get him a gift, by all means do so. Whether he's your husband or STBXH, the choice is yours. If you don't plan on getting back together, I would not buy anything too expensive as this could give him the wrong idea about your relationship. Rather, get him something simple to let him know that you do care for him because you do have children together. Think of something that he enjoys doing. This could include an item that he can incorporate into his hobby, a picture of his favorite hobby, etc. If he doesn’t have a hobby, there are still basic gifts that you can get, an example would be a gift certificate to his favorite restaurant, home depot, etc. Hope this helps. Thanks cupid! That sounds like the best idea yet. I know he'd appreciate that.
Author EcstasyX6 Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Apologies if I have misinterpreted. I read some of your previous posts. You mentioned that your marriage was always rocky. It is quite common for a BS to revise history. But most importantly, you are married and cohabiting with another man. The marriage cannot be worth too much in your eyes. Have I misunderstood? It sounds as if you've been hurt. Do you typically jump in on people's threads insulting them without fully knowing their situation? It seems common for the person who has been left to feel that history has been rewritten. I'm sure it certainly must feel that way if you were the happy one. Actually, I'm still at home with my family. We had some good years together, but there are too many differenced between us to mention here. The cheating on my part certainly worsened things, and at this point, it's best for us to be apart. Good luck to you too and have a Merry Christmas...or should I say, Happy Holiday!
It_Is_What_It_Is Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 EcstaxyX6, i have read couple of your postings. I can see why you want to buy something for you X. Still in friendly terms, and it is my guess (from reading your posts) that you felt guilt for cheating on your husband. He doesn't seems a bad guy who put you through hell. It was more of the sex thing - compatibility issues ... high libido. You respect his intellect, smartness et al. The years you live together obviously can't count for nil. You seems to be a smart woman, just someone who puts their self interest first. With the status quo with your new bf, everything is on a high ... no bills together, no mortgage together blah blah. Is he someone that you would want to live the rest of your life with? With time you will start asking for more ... same for him. You say you seeing a mediator ... is it with regard to getting back with your ex or dealing with the divorce?
Author EcstasyX6 Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 EcstaxyX6, i have read couple of your postings. I can see why you want to buy something for you X. Still in friendly terms, and it is my guess (from reading your posts) that you felt guilt for cheating on your husband. He doesn't seems a bad guy who put you through hell. It was more of the sex thing - compatibility issues ... high libido. You respect his intellect, smartness et al. The years you live together obviously can't count for nil. You seems to be a smart woman, just someone who puts their self interest first. Thank you. You characterized my situation pretty accurately. The lack of compatibility was the biggest issue. Sometimes in life you have to put your self-interest first, or you'll be stuck with someone you don't love, and have problems with for the rest of your life. I've put everyone else's needs before mine for many years. With the status quo with your new bf, everything is on a high ... no bills together, no mortgage together blah blah. Is he someone that you would want to live the rest of your life with? With time you will start asking for more ... same for him. I'm not really worried about a future with him right now to be honest. That's hard for some to believe I'm sure, but that's how I feel. He mentioned marriage, but that's not on my radar right now. You say you seeing a mediator ... is it with regard to getting back with your ex or dealing with the divorce? It's to work out details of divorce. I'm not sure what to expect, but I've heard it's better than dealing with separate attorneys. I just hope Christmas will go smoothly, ,but I'll definitely follow-up on the outcome of the mediation in another post. It may be helpful to some people because it seems that most couples don't go this route.
Boundary Problem Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 My apologies. STB divorced. We're seeing a mediator next month. I don't know. That's why I'm asking what people do in this situation. We don't hate each other. Don't people buy their friends gifts for Christmas, or should I put him in the automatic hate pile as some people do as they divorce instead of acting like two civilized human beings? Hate pile isn't an option if you have children together. A token gift is good. If multiple children I thought the photo idea was nice - especially if it isn't a "santa" picture so it can stay on his desk year-round at work. If one child, well they already have the school photos that are generally already pretty good. I believe in communication, and just ask your ex about a dollar limit, so that the mutual gifts are roughly comparable in value, or else that will cause a new round of resentment. And give lots of warning that gifts for the extended family (his side) won't be happening. Communication, early in the season - before they have already done their shopping. But the first thing I did upon separation was vocally stop buying xmas gifts for the ex's family. No need to bleed unnecessary cash on people that are not supporting your new life.
Boundary Problem Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 It's to work out details of divorce. I'm not sure what to expect, but I've heard it's better than dealing with separate attorneys. I just hope Christmas will go smoothly, ,but I'll definitely follow-up on the outcome of the mediation in another post. It may be helpful to some people because it seems that most couples don't go this route. Mediation can be successful if there is honest and complete financial disclosure in advance of commencement of mediation, if neither party has a personality dysfunction(that would derail settlement) and both parties have approximately equal bagaining power. If you know you are a push over, or suspceptible to your ex's games, then think about being represented going on the mediation. The financial settlement will have a huge impact on your standard of living post-divorce. You want to make sure it is a fair deal, all things considered. Sorry for the thread jack, but a question did come up about mediation, which I think is influencing how much to spend on the xmas present.
floridapad Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 The best gift you can give him is to be giving in the divorce process and not take advantage of a man who is still probably shell shocked. His ultimate gift will be when you and your OM ultimately break up, which is highly likely and you end up going from relationship to relationship because you will somehow continue to feel after a few years with each man that you simply aren't compatible. Having said all that, I would give him space as a gift so he can properly mourn his loss and move on. That or a tie :-)
nobmagnet Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 fl yep yep. i waiting.......... hey it might not happen lots tells me it will. a relationship built on mutual discontent might work.............. hmmmmmm doubt it . but im not the "orical"..................xx
Author EcstasyX6 Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 I believe in communication, and just ask your ex about a dollar limit, so that the mutual gifts are roughly comparable in value, or else that will cause a new round of resentment. And give lots of warning that gifts for the extended family (his side) won't be happening. Communication, early in the season - before they have already done their shopping. I hope I did this right...still not good with the 'quote' thing. This sounds very reasonable. Thank you for this idea.
Author EcstasyX6 Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Mediation can be successful if there is honest and complete financial disclosure in advance of commencement of mediation, if neither party has a personality dysfunction(that would derail settlement) and both parties have approximately equal bagaining power. If you know you are a push over, or suspceptible to your ex's games, then think about being represented going on the mediation. The financial settlement will have a huge impact on your standard of living post-divorce. You want to make sure it is a fair deal, all things considered. Sorry for the thread jack, but a question did come up about mediation, which I think is influencing how much to spend on the xmas present. It's a jack I appreciate. I've looked online about mediation, but still ended up with a murky picture of what to expect. When I made the appointment, the receptionists explained that they'll give us the details once we arrive(for a $375 fee of course). I'm not into game playing, and neither is he, so it should go well.
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