p01130 Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 (edited) First Post... Well, I just broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years today. She gave me the "it's not you, it's me" speech. Eventhough we've had a couple of issues come up this year, we've always worked past it (I gave her space to work it out). She says she's been having this small doubt in her mind about us that something's missing and has had this going on since early this year (about the time of our first heavy relationship discussion). I asked her why the heck she decides to try to work it out herself instead of coming to me? She's afraid that we haven't had the spark recently in our relationship (me = work, her = school, finals, full time job stress) and if she's having these doubts now, then what's going to happen if we get married. I've tried to bring back the spark since summer after our second fallout (for example date nights, rented out a great hotel room, shopping, spa weekend for us, brought her flowers, listened to her during her stressful moments) She said that was one of the reasons, then she flipped to another reason..she's afraid that she since she is living alone currently, she enjoys it too much and doesn't know if she can live with someone. She said she is like her father, who was floating out there for a long, long time before "settling" for her mom. I tried my best to not be accusing - jealous guy because she does have ALOT of guy friends and I told her early to be careful because guys only want to be friends for girls for one reason. She grew up around her father working on cars, as well as herself when she used to drive motorsport. She didn't believe me until 2 of the confessed their feelings for her, which then she cut ties with. She's one of those girls that even keeps contact with a couple of her ex's...to which she swears that because they were close to her family, then she can't cut them off. She keeps telling me that there's not another guy in the picture, because she has this mindset that guys can just be friends. The thing is, we've been talking alot about our future together in the last few months; we even spent a few days looking at rings. She works with kids, and she always talks about how our kids won't be like the kid she is watching, and how we were going to raise them differently, etc,etc. She even brought it up to her parents that we were going that route, which they approved of as well as mine. Does this sound like a girl who is still trying to figure herself out and really has some inner issues that she doesn't know, or does she sound like a girl that is still clinging onto the single life and being afraid of settling? She is 24 and I am 32, so our circle of friends are close in age (roughly early to late 20's) and age was never an issue, but my close friends are settled, have typical corporate jobs like myself, while her friends are still doing random, unstable things. I've spent all day with a couple of my close friends and we've been discussing this so I am asking for advice from here. What the heck is going on? I've been a wreck and eventhough I spend time with friends during the day, at night is when it gets bad. The silence makes my mind wonder off and go crazy.. Edited December 22, 2009 by p01130
mcjohnruther Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 That's what is called LOVE loool. Nothing can fill its space except only love... Keep busy yourself..that is enough to make you sleep..
Space Ritual Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 First Post... Well, I just broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years today. She gave me the "it's not you, it's me" speech. Eventhough we've had a couple of issues come up this year, we've always worked past it (I gave her space to work it out). She says she's been having this small doubt in her mind about us that something's missing and has had this going on since early this year (about the time of our first heavy relationship discussion). I asked her why the heck she decides to try to work it out herself instead of coming to me? She's afraid that we haven't had the spark recently in our relationship (me = work, her = school, finals, full time job stress) and if she's having these doubts now, then what's going to happen if we get married. I've tried to bring back the spark since summer after our second fallout (for example date nights, rented out a great hotel room, shopping, spa weekend for us, brought her flowers, listened to her during her stressful moments) She said that was one of the reasons, then she flipped to another reason..she's afraid that she since she is living alone currently, she enjoys it too much and doesn't know if she can live with someone. She said she is like her father, who was floating out there for a long, long time before "settling" for her mom. I tried my best to not be accusing - jealous guy because she does have ALOT of guy friends and I told her early to be careful because guys only want to be friends for girls for one reason. She grew up around her father working on cars, as well as herself when she used to drive motorsport. She didn't believe me until 2 of the confessed their feelings for her, which then she cut ties with. She's one of those girls that even keeps contact with a couple of her ex's...to which she swears that because they were close to her family, then she can't cut them off. She keeps telling me that there's not another guy in the picture, because she has this mindset that guys can just be friends. The thing is, we've been talking alot about our future together in the last few months; we even spent a few days looking at rings. She works with kids, and she always talks about how our kids won't be like the kid she is watching, and how we were going to raise them differently, etc,etc. She even brought it up to her parents that we were going that route, which they approved of as well as mine. Does this sound like a girl who is still trying to figure herself out and really has some inner issues that she doesn't know, or does she sound like a girl that is still clinging onto the single life and being afraid of settling? She is 24 and I am 32, so our circle of friends are close in age (roughly early to late 20's) and age was never an issue, but my close friends are settled, have typical corporate jobs like myself, while her friends are still doing random, unstable things. I've spent all day with a couple of my close friends and we've been discussing this so I am asking for advice from here. What the heck is going on? I've been a wreck and eventhough I spend time with friends during the day, at night is when it gets bad. The silence makes my mind wonder off and go crazy.. The old "Its not you, it's me"...... Sorry it happened, but from what you describe I will bet the farm that she found someone else. It's not afraid of settling, it's afraid of settling on YOU. Sounds like she will use the upcoming break over the holidays to get some strange and maybe keep you on the backburner in case things don't work out. If she is giving the lame excuses about being friends with exes, she may in fact be about to rekindle a relationship with one of those exes. Enjoys living alone too much? Sure! If she lives with you she couldn't have the convenience of screwing other guys while you are around without fear of getting caught . The whole "confused" act usually means she wants another guy for awhile and maybe it will peter out, maybe not. But at any rate don't be surprised if someone from your circle of friends sees her out on a date in the very near future and it gets back to you. Her act is a fresh as a Foghat Concert This has BS written all over it on her part Dont be second choice if she comes crawling back...Go No Contact immediately and and move on.
Author p01130 Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 thanks for all of your insight...this sucks because I knew better from my past relationship and should've caught on earlier and ended it earlier..on my terms.
DustySaltus Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 As soon as she talked about the "settling" her father did, I would've been out the door. If anything, you are settling for her. "It's not you, it's me...", you know what she's right, IT IS HER. She has no idea what she wants. Kids one minute, then she wants to live alone.....she's a mess. 32 and 24 is a huge gap when it comes to mindset. Girls around this age tend to have a few more "fun" years in them before you see them out there again in the bar/club when they are 29, 30 looking for the "one". No doubt in my mind that she will come back to you at some point down the line but you may not even want her. I think because of her age, you are not what she wants NOW but what she will probably want in a FEW years. Hopefully by then you have realized what truly makes you happy because in the end that's all that matters. I think you did a lot and you deserve someone that will reciprocate not ask you to play dr. phil.
Author p01130 Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 As soon as she talked about the "settling" her father did, I would've been out the door. If anything, you are settling for her. "It's not you, it's me...", you know what she's right, IT IS HER. She has no idea what she wants. Kids one minute, then she wants to live alone.....she's a mess. 32 and 24 is a huge gap when it comes to mindset. Girls around this age tend to have a few more "fun" years in them before you see them out there again in the bar/club when they are 29, 30 looking for the "one". No doubt in my mind that she will come back to you at some point down the line but you may not even want her. I think because of her age, you are not what she wants NOW but what she will probably want in a FEW years. Hopefully by then you have realized what truly makes you happy because in the end that's all that matters. I think you did a lot and you deserve someone that will reciprocate not ask you to play dr. phil. Thanks for your help. I appreciate the advice.
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