Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 24, 2009 Author Posted December 24, 2009 Im in IC. when we talk about seeing myself 20 years from now its without a doubt my H that i picture in my life. the issue lies with being able to get there while still feeling pulled in 2 different directions. I am NC. have been strict about it for a few weeks now. the only time ive contacted him since dday was a letter a few weeks ago telling him that the contact from him needed to stop. I'm doing it because its what is advised by many so must hold some weight in fixing things. unfortunately, i do think that it is partially nonsense. the immediate suggestion right from dday...for me at least created greater pain and stress. now, i think it gives a false sense of hope to most BS. they think that without contact that the A is over and it stops there. i however, think the NC makes me focus on what is missing from my life. its a daily struggle, i feel like im sitting on the edge waiting for it to give. the tension keeps building until one day i'll finally give in and speak to him. i picture this huge release when that happens. i think NC is an attempt to force the end of a R. sure, in some instances it works. for me i think that its almost a "fake" ending. that the feelings are lingering even without him there. and as he said in his attempted response to my demanding the NC - for him the NC makes him want me more. the one thing that works is that hes not in my life to feed me any lies or BS anymore. so when i sit and work through the way he hurt me and threw me under the bus and "picked her" i am able to see it for what it really was and how i was fooled by him during the A. the NC with him keeps him from being able to explain his way out of this and allows me to see what an a** he really is.
whichwayisup Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 yes, i do firmly believe he picked her. but i also picked my husband and still do You had no choice but to pick your husband, because he picked/chose his wife. If he had left his wife, you would have left your H, right? I am glad you're in NC mode. Still think you need to quit your job, or take an extended leave (stress leave) off so you can heal and find something else. Your marriage is going to continue to have issues if you are still working with exMM, even if you don't see him daily, any kind of visual contact, knowing he's 'around' IS going to prevent you from totally letting him go, out of your heart, as well as bothering your H. It's good that you are seeing his true colours, keep doing that and think bad stuff about him, it'll rid of anything nice and cozy you still may feel for him.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 24, 2009 Author Posted December 24, 2009 no. i never said i would have left him for the OM. i said i should go be with the OM and let my husband find someone who deserves him and treats him right and wouldnt never hurt him. that was the comment that i made. i still to this day would never want to be with xMM full time. i still would pick my H even now that hes divorcing. but i want to feel the way about my H that I feel about xMM. i initally had those feelings for my H but they switched over to xMM. theyre still there. i dont want my M if the feelings never come back. i dont want to spend forever wishing there was more. and its not fair for him to stay if he doesnt feel it for me or if im unable to give him what he needs.
anne1707 Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 MBEG NC is just as much for your H's benefit as yours. It kills him everyday when you go to work and have even just purely work contact with the ex-MM. This is not a dig at you and me saying leave your job now - I still work with the ex-OM so it would be hypocritical for me to say that. However for your H to know that any contact is purely work will be something at least. Though you do need to look for another job no matter how much you may love where you work and how few jobs there may be at the moment. Because my H can see that I am looking, this gives him hope that eventually the ex-OM will be fully out of our lives. The benefit of NC for you is not having to be reminded of what you had, not to share glances, etc. In my case, the ex-OM played those type of games with me for months even though he had met his next victim. He only stopped when I managed to do NC as much as is possible in the work place. When he could no longer see his actions having an effect on me, he stopped. Just shows how pathetic he is. Whilst there are no guarantees of how your feelings will change over the coming weeks/months, I can also say that those feelings that you had for your H can return. It is possible. I know for me they had never really done away - I was just so messed up and stupid that I could not see what was really important to me for a long time. Thank goodness I can now. However this also took a lot of work from my H as well as me. We both had to commit ourselves to making things work and it took time understandably for my H to feel able to make that effort for us.
hotmarriedchick Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 MBEG Sending you lots of "stamina" vibes...True "dark night of the soul", right? I know. It gets better. I'm with ya, sista. I don't want to highjack your thread, but I want to let you know that I've had to "force" a re-direction in my 15 year marriage. It all started 3 years ago. I was carrying on in my life in a bit of self denial- I could live with it... Then one ordinary day, I was in my normal "sleep walking" way of life, and I ran into a guy that forced me to wake up. I had to look at my life. I couldn't pretend anymore. Becoming friends with him catalyzed me into looking at what was missing in my marriage. I had never felt that kind of connection before. Never. It confused the hell out of me and made me question *all* my choices...Including what drew me to my husband. I never crossed the line with him, but now that I've stepped away, I do see my husband through new eyes. If it helps, it's only because I gained a voice through the agony of the confusion. I started by (apologetically) asking my husband what I needed in the marriage. Then I started telling him. Then I started fighting for it. UGLY process at times. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Finally I gave up and told him that I was ready to let him go. I didn't blame him--was just done. Broke my heart, but I was ready to put it all down. He told me then that he would do whatever "necessary" to put it all together again. I didn't feel anything for him at that point. Or so I thought. I thought the other guy had more of my heart. (the part of me that felt like I had a pulse) It all came to a head last spring (when I told my H I was done), and today I can honestly say I never been more connected to him. We started reconnecting.... Having fun and putting the effort forward that brought us together to begin with. We have 2 great kids. No one will love our kids with the same passion we do. It feels progressive. I felt and still feel that it's worth every bit of effort to re-animate the connection that brought us together to begin with. Hang in there, MBEG. Don't call it quits yet. You're still in the middle of it. And I truly believe that you hold your xMM's emotional energy to a great degree. You actually feel his feelings (as crazy as it sounds). I do intuitive work and I've learned how easy it is to cross energy boundaries and carry "stuff" that isn't yours. Just be loving to *yourself* with the intention of staying in your own skin. Feel yourself. Feel your family with your husband (without your MM in your head). Go on a date with your hubby. Tell him how much you love him and value him. Sending you lots of love and strength sista, HMC
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