something so simple...

[mybrowneyedgirl]

so a little update on me. ive spent the last few weeks away from my H. well sort of away. we see each other daily and speak multiple times each day. but i needed some time to clear my head and think through how i felt about all sides of my story. i just felt like the feelings for my xmm were clouding my feelings for my H and vice versa. still not sure what the outcome will be, but im in a much much better place. still have days with tears but i feel better, life is stable and i have a better grasp on how i feel.

 

so i wanted to share something that someone said the other day that really hit home. i realize its been said here countless times but this really stuck in my mind. im hoping that by sharing it, it could possibly be one of those lightbulb moments for someone else.

 

last week i went out with some friends. xmm's name was brought up. someone else there who didnt know the background asked the gist of the story. said i was in love with him, she found out, hes in MC trying to make it work but now says he thinks he wants me.

 

this person says "you realize he picked her right." and our other friend jumped in and defended xmm that he had to figure out his marriage, the way he looks at me, that hes now back because he realized what he had etc. and the person said "that doesnt matter, you realize he picked her and can never take that back." and it was like someone lifted the wool from my eyes and it was clear as day.

 

it was so simple hearing it that way. yes, he picked her. and they were right. he can never take that back.

 

sure he can give as many excuses as he can think of, come after me again but nothing will change that.

 

he picked her.

 

it gave me peace (although i had already come to the same thoughts myself) but to hear it so blunt, so simple. there really is nothing to question. he picked her. thats it. the end.

 

so i wish i would have seen this from day one instead of dwelling on the whys or whatifs or how could he for two long months. maybe we all need to look at the big picture instead of the tons of thoughts going through our minds...

[DramaQueen]

MBEG, your post hit me so hard. I have always tried to pull us back together after he had called it quits. He will then come back and said he missed me or I did it first. Then the whole cycle repeats itself again and again.

 

Last Friday, he told me we should go separate ways and walked out. Yeah, he picked her, not once but every time. It is so hurtful but each time i am in denial of this, always finding excuses and reasons for his cruel behaviour and somehow, we get back together. Will this be it? I dont know but I agree with all that you've written. Hugs to you...i am not having it any better.

[OWW]

MBEG, your post hit me so hard. I have always tried to pull us back together after he had called it quits. He will then come back and said he missed me or I did it first. Then the whole cycle repeats itself again and again.

 

Last Friday, he told me we should go separate ways and walked out. Yeah, he picked her, not once but every time. It is so hurtful but each time i am in denial of this, always finding excuses and reasons for his cruel behaviour and somehow, we get back together. Will this be it? I dont know but I agree with all that you've written. Hugs to you...i am not having it any better.

 

Because for the moment when he comes back to you, it seems / it feels that he's picked you. And we try to be understanding of the confusion that the WS is feeling - torn between the two. We like feeling that it is difficult for them, that we are worth the risk, that they care about us enough that this isn't easy. It makes us feel special, and that they might or do choose us.

 

Not always true, of course, but certainly that is part of the process that keeps us in it when we are tossed aside one moment and then brought back into their lives, as if they can't live without us, either.

 

For some WSes it is just a game. For some there really is a true conflict, a difficult choice. And, as many will flame, for some it is about just having their cake and eating it too...

[It_Is_What_It_Is]

He picked her .. MM always do. The A in the first place was deceitful. Tell this to Heartbroken.

[lovekillsslowly]

MBEG ~ Thank you for this post!! It is the "aha" moment I have been waiting for!

 

Yes, I have cried many tears over the fact that "he picked her", but when you add that final statement "and he can never take that back", well it's like you said the wool has been lifted from my eyes.

 

No matter what he says....how many times he apologizes....what reasons or justifications he gives as to why he picked her....the fact remains "he can never take that back."

 

No matter what he says or does the fact remains "he picked her and he can never take that back".

 

And I will never be able to forget "his choice" and how insecure, painful, and emotionally debilitating his "pick" made me feel inside. And he can never take that back.

 

Wow. I feel really good now! It's about time after feeling like s**t emotionally and mentally for over a year!!

 

MBEG YOU JUST GAVE ME THE BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT EVER!!!! HUGS AND THANKS TO YOU!!!

[Hazyhead]

Thank you mbeg. It doesn't matter the feelings he had for me or the circumstances surrounding his decision - he chose her.

 

I'm working on the acceptance, just need to find peace with it.

[jj33]

MBEG that is so true. I have told xMM that so many times over the years since it has ended. Why are you still contacting me, you decided not to leave, you made your choice, so leave me alone...

 

Its so clear to us - but somehow its not always clear to them. And Im not sure why. Sometimes I think its because they had both of us for a period so they dont see "not leaving" i.e. maintaining the status quo, as an affirmative choice.

 

But it is.

[heartbroken1109]

He picked her .. MM always do. The A in the first place was deceitful. Tell this to Heartbroken.

 

 

I hear you...loud and clear.

[GreenEyedLady]

He picked her .. MM always do. The A in the first place was deceitful. Tell this to Heartbroken.

 

I understand what you're trying to do here, but I beg to differ.

 

They don't always pick "her." They do however, always pick themselves.

 

Their choice is based on who they are and what their own values are. And who they can't live without.

 

Funny thing is, "I" picked. And he was damn lucky I picked him.

 

GEL

[lkjh]

you need new friends, friends don't sit around and defend the MM the helped you destroy your family. They should be more concerned about your H and kids

[Devil Inside]

I understand what you're trying to do here, but I beg to differ.

 

They don't always pick "her." They do however, always pick themselves.

 

Their choice is based on who they are and what their own values are. And who they can't live without.

 

Funny thing is, "I" picked. And he was damn lucky I picked him.

 

GEL

 

Have to agree with you here sister. My A was about me more than it was about either woman.

[phoenixrising]

DI, I have gained a lot from your posts as many of your words also came from the mouth of my xMM. I'm curious, though... are you less selfish now? Do you understand now how much you may have hurt your OW by your actions, and would you hesitate to do this again to another OW? And have you put this out of your mind and are now focused on what you can do to support your wife/marriage? Or would you escape to another OW again who, perhaps, can understand (i.e. a married woman)?

[jj33]

And, as many will flame, for some it is about just having their cake and eating it too...

 

No question about that. Whether they are confused or not, whether justified or not, if you are stepping out before you decide to leave, you are having your cake and eating it too - if youve got cake crumbs on your lips it doesnt matter whether someone threw the cake at you, or you shoved it in your mouth, you still ate the cake.

[awkward]

Sounds like you're fence sitting while waiting for MM to make up his mind. How would you feel if your husband decided he was done waiting for you to find out if he is going to win the "second choice" prize? So if MM "picks" his wife again, are you going to "pick" your husband?

 

Anyway, I don't look at it like he picked her. He married her and she deserved a chance with you out of the picture. You weren't really ever out of the picture though right? You are still there as MM's backup choice aren't you?

 

Now that MM maybe wants you back again, how do you feel about it? Is the wool still off your eyes?

Edited December 23, 2009 by awkward

[White Flower]

MM and I had a D-day over a year ago and he seemed, by his actions, to 'pick her'. I ended it because I felt exactly as you do now. It was horrible knowing that he was happy with his cake on the side while he'd made his choice. Funny, too, because I was pretty happy with the A as an A at that point until the D-day made me focus.

 

He successfully talked me into staying in the A but it was just more of the same, an A. It was just no longer satisfying to me. Recently, I decided I just can't do the A. It's either all or nothing because I can't stand being with a man who can hurt his W and his OW while his life seems perfect in the balance (which is why I said he picked himself). Someone should be 'picked' (himself with her or himself with me) and I let him know he won't have my complete respect until he decides what he wants.

 

I realize this is not what everyone needs. It's just what I need at this time in my life.

 

I know I will be ok if he 'chooses her'. I will always be ok.

[Devil Inside]

DI, I have gained a lot from your posts as many of your words also came from the mouth of my xMM. I'm curious, though... are you less selfish now? Do you understand now how much you may have hurt your OW by your actions, and would you hesitate to do this again to another OW? And have you put this out of your mind and are now focused on what you can do to support your wife/marriage? Or would you escape to another OW again who, perhaps, can understand (i.e. a married woman)?

 

Hmmmm...lots of good questions there. Maybe the answers will help.

 

Am I less selfish now?.....I think that I am more aware of how selfish my actions were to both my W and xOW, but, I do not believe that I am a less selfish person. Not yet. I am working in IC on this, my flawed character. However, I am a person that can tend to be self absorbed. I really need to work on getting outside myself and the world inside my head, my needs, my wants, my hurts.

 

I think that I have always realized how much I hurt my xOW. If you were to go back and read my earliest posts you would see how much of pain was about feeling as if I had done something horrible to my xOW. In fact I remember people feeling as if I gave too much loyalty to her, and that I should be focusing on how I hurt my W more. Also, don't forget, my xOW dumped me, not the other way around.

 

Is all of this out of my mind and am I now focused on my M? Well I would say that I no longer pine over my xOW. I am no longer in pain. I am focused on my M. Thing is, I am seeing all the issues. Instead of avoiding how bad my M is through the love of my xOW, I have to deal with it face to face. I don't know that I will stay married.

 

Would I ever escape again? Not part of the plan. I am focused on this M right now. I don't know if W will be the last woman I am with...but if she isn't..I need to divorce her.

[NoIDidn't]

"he picked her" "he chose her"

 

I don't think it matters what a person outwardly picks/chooses.

 

Sometimes they pick what they need, not what they want.

 

I know this isn't helpful, or even gives hope to some that need the hope to die, but there is something even more painful in feeling like you got picked out of need instead of want.

 

I watched my ex pick his fiance out of need, not of want. But don't get me wrong, he WANTED both of us and any others that he could have, so I definitely did the right thing in walking away from him.

 

I watched my H struggle between his feelings of conflict over our marriage and his feelings of wanting there to be more to life than it seemed that family life and marriage had to offer. I am more than certain that the EA was about him and had pretty much nothing to do with her, so it isn't that he actually had to choose between me/family and her. He assures me that he chose us out of want, and not of need, but that doesn't change the fact that he introduced a whole new category to something that was once so simple.

 

Such a complicated subject for me. And it seems to get worse with age. At least for me, it gets worse with age.

[Devil Inside]

MBEG something else to think about is that you didn't exactly pick him either....did you?

[Devil Inside]

"he picked her" "he chose her"

 

I don't think it matters what a person outwardly picks/chooses.

 

Sometimes they pick what they need, not what they want.

 

I know this isn't helpful, or even gives hope to some that need the hope to die, but there is something even more painful in feeling like you got picked out of need instead of want.

 

I watched my ex pick his fiance out of need, not of want. But don't get me wrong, he WANTED both of us and any others that he could have, so I definitely did the right thing in walking away from him.

 

I watched my H struggle between his feelings of conflict over our marriage and his feelings of wanting there to be more to life than it seemed that family life and marriage had to offer. I am more than certain that the EA was about him and had pretty much nothing to do with her, so it isn't that he actually had to choose between me/family and her. He assures me that he chose us out of want, and not of need, but that doesn't change the fact that he introduced a whole new category to something that was once so simple.

 

Such a complicated subject for me. And it seems to get worse with age. At least for me, it gets worse with age.

 

 

 

I like this post...thanks. It spoke to me today.

[OWW]

No question about that. Whether they are confused or not, whether justified or not, if you are stepping out before you decide to leave, you are having your cake and eating it too - if youve got cake crumbs on your lips it doesnt matter whether someone threw the cake at you, or you shoved it in your mouth, you still ate the cake.

 

What I was trying to differentiate in my original post is between those who cheat BECAUSE they want their cake and eat it too, and those who might not explicitly seeking both, even if, in theory, as you say, they have it shoved in their mouth.

 

For my MW, it is not a "joy" or a good thing to have both. It does not bring her pleasure. She may have originally stuck her finger in the icing looking for something sweet, but that isn't why she's still here. Having both of us is anything but sweet...

[mybrowneyedgirl]

DI - thats a very interesting way to look at things. No, I didnt really pick him either. In fact my first gut reaction after dday was that i never wanted to speak to him, i just wanted my H. I wanted my marriage and always have. But those feelings are as definitive as they once were.

 

Months later heres how i feel. Keep in mind ive not discussed any of this with xmm so he could feel the same or the opposite. it doesnt really matter to me what he feels as its not an option. I feel like i want my H and my marriage, the life we had before the affair. thats what i want.

 

BUT...and this is a huge one. I am in love with xmm. not like i used to be, certainly couldnt trust him again, the feelings have definitely faded. yes, the wool is gone especially now that i have started to move on.

 

but my M. i find myself having to force myself to try. that its honestly a losing battle when im in love with someone else. i can try because i love him, but i dont have that instant "spark" sort of feeling. my actions are because i am attempting to "try." its not a natural sort of feeling.

 

i think about xmm and how it didnt take much effort. if we made love it was because i couldnt keep my hands off of him, made little phone calls and did sweet things because thats how i felt inside. it was natural, not forced. im having to "force" myself to make my marriage successful. im questioning if its really supposed to be this way.

[fooled once]

DI - thats a very interesting way to look at things. No, I didnt really pick him either. In fact my first gut reaction after dday was that i never wanted to speak to him, i just wanted my H. I wanted my marriage and always have. But those feelings are as definitive as they once were.

 

Months later heres how i feel. Keep in mind ive not discussed any of this with xmm so he could feel the same or the opposite. it doesnt really matter to me what he feels as its not an option. I feel like i want my H and my marriage, the life we had before the affair. thats what i want.

 

BUT...and this is a huge one. I am in love with xmm. not like i used to be, certainly couldnt trust him again, the feelings have definitely faded. yes, the wool is gone especially now that i have started to move on.

 

but my M. i find myself having to force myself to try. that its honestly a losing battle when im in love with someone else. i can try because i love him, but i dont have that instant "spark" sort of feeling. my actions are because i am attempting to "try." its not a natural sort of feeling.

 

i think about xmm and how it didnt take much effort. if we made love it was because i couldnt keep my hands off of him, made little phone calls and did sweet things because thats how i felt inside. it was natural, not forced. im having to "force" myself to make my marriage successful. im questioning if its really supposed to be this way.

 

Didn't you feel this way at one point with your H?

 

And honestly MBEG, if you go back to your first post after DDay, you wanted both. You actually wanted the MM, not your H. You settled with your H because the MM chose his wife. He picked her.

 

Ok. I'm married, hes married..both with kids and we've been in the A for 2.5 years. We both had d-days in the last month. My H has left me, says its over, doesnt want to try. His W is a mess, but I get the impression they'll work it out. We've never discussed leaving our spouses but for some reason I've always had those dreams.

 

We've been NC for a few days now due to limitations on connecting, not sure where we stand but I think his choice will be to try to reconcile his marriage by ending the affair.

 

I'm heartbroken. I love my H but dont know where to even start to get him back and honestly not sure I can work on things while I'm so sad about losing my MM.

 

Where do I go from here? Chase after the MM, let him go? And what about my H? should i really try to get him back when i'm not sure if i can give it my all while grieving my A?

 

Your first post (above)

 

Your second post (below) was much more telling to me

 

If he were an option I would gladly pick him and give my husband the freedom to find someone to love him like he deserves. But I dont think (especially after reading the boards) that MM will ever be an available unless his wife leaves.

 

So knowing how i feel inside is it fair for me to try to get my husband back? Or is it ok to try and stay somewhere in the middle and see where the pieces land?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

not meaning this to be rude at all, but knowing the emotions that ive gone through since dday its almost laughable to me to compare anything that ive said then to now. i look back on my initial thoughts about it all (and even the entire affair) like it was some other dream land. doesnt even see like the same situation to me.

 

yes, i do firmly believe he picked her. but i also picked my husband and still do. (although i admit at times its not looking promising). i hadnt seen it that way until DI pointed it out. he was correct. and re-reading my initial posts i still think youre unclear where i was coming from.

 

at the moment i struggle with the fact that a good bit of the time i still feel like im not being honest with my H. there are truthful things. i want him, i want my marriage. yes, i remember when it used to be so easy. he honestly still is the most perfect man ive ever met. no one, including xmm could ever come close to the person, father, husband that my H is. no one.

 

but inside i still have feelings for this other person. i have to TRY to have those feelings for my H while at the same time TRY not to have those feelings for xmm. something about this seems wrong. if i was in his place i think i would want to know if he felt that way.

 

so in this world of being open and honest and transparent i feel im not telling the truth. im NC because i believe its the best shot for my marriage. im trying my hardest because i want my M to get back to what it was. but its been some months and the feelings dont seem to be shifting. i still (as i said in my second post) struggle with the thought that maybe my H deserves more. he deserves someone who can love him the way that he loves me. even though i WANT to love him that way i just am having a hard time making it happen.

[howcouldInotknow]

I understand what you're trying to do here, but I beg to differ.

 

They don't always pick "her." They do however, always pick themselves.

 

Their choice is based on who they are and what their own values are. And who they can't live without.

 

Funny thing is, "I" picked. And he was damn lucky I picked him.

 

GEL

 

 

I agree. Not all MM pick her. But it doesn't make you feel less hurt to remind yourself of this. The fact that he picked her doesnt mean he is happy (nor does it mean he is miserable) but also think about it this way a cheating man is not your problem it is hers.

[anne1707]

MBEG

 

Have you tried IC? This might provide a safe space for you to deal with your feelings for the ex-MM? A way for you to deal with all that **** you feel so that your H doesn't have to? Also if your H can see you taking a step like that, it might help him believe that you still want your marriage. Either that or it will help you move on from where you are now and get on with your life.

 

Also - you made reference I think in this thread that people have been telling you to do NC (as I know I have) and that this is nonesense because you can't just turn your feelings off. NC does not mean you just turn those feelings off (if only it were that easy!) and I don't think anybody ever said that was the case. But it allows you to distance yourself from the ex-MM and the constant reminders so that you can deal with those feelings.