He's jealous of my past

[WhateverHappens]

Hi. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and a few months. We have tons in common, so the relationship was amazing the first six months. I lost my virginity to him (I guess, technically), and he's been my only boyfriend. The problem? My past.

 

A mutual friend introduced us in 2006. It was all good between the three of us. Until my boyfriend (who had already admitted he was a tad jealous) got jealous of him, and asked me about our history. I freaked out and said nothing had happened, but then had to tell him the truth and told him that said friend and I had shared "benefits" back in 2004, when I was 15. We made out a few times, and I gave him half a BJ (half because it lasted just a few seconds and he, uhm, didn't finish).

 

Then he started asking question after question about other guys I'd made out with casually. I was really lonely as a teen and guys my age never liked me, and all my friends had guys so I always felt left out and wanted to have some attention too, I felt ugly, etc. That's why I made out with guys casually, and a couple of them happened to be older, and guys that I barely knew. Then there's the fact that an older guy crushed on me, and even though I didn't like him, I kind of led him on. I also crushed on a friend of said guy, and was a bit clingy. Nothing physical happened with either of them, just unrequited feelings. But my boyfriend doesn't like how I handled those situations, especially since both guys are friends with his brother. All of this happened between the ages of 15 and 17.

 

Now, I have explained to him over and over why I did these things, how I have changed, and how I don't don't feel proud about it. I've told him I regret it, even though I really don't, it's not like I was THAT easy, although if I could do it again I wouldn't. I've tried telling him how he's infinite times better than them, that I never loved any of them, but that I love him deeply, how I don't reminisce about it, how I'm with him now, how I never enjoyed myself sexually until I met him, etc.

 

Of course, none of this has worked. I don't know what to do! I don't think I deserve to go through this pain, since everything happened before I was with him, and most of it happened before I even met him. I was a teen and made mistakes, but that doesn't seem to make him change his mind. He knows I can't change my past, and he tells me we'd be incredibly happy and perfect if it wasn't for this.

 

The problem is that sometimes anything will trigger it, and when this happens, it can be mild and pass in a few minutes, or it can get ugly and he'll refuse to talk to me, make me feel bad about it (judging, etc) or even breaking up with me. I don't want to leave him, because I love him, but I don't understand why he treats me like this if I have done nothing wrong! I'm desperate, the constant fighting wears me out. Plus, I have to watch everything I say, because sometimes unexpected things can be triggers.

 

He has asked many, many details. I'm no shrink, but I kind of have to say he's obsessive in general. The problem is he is always right. When people disagree with him, he gets upset. So in his eyes, he's right and I'm wrong, even if a thousand other people tell him he's overreacting. But that will never happen because he never opens up not even to his closest friends so actually, nobody else knows about this.

 

He has baggage. He had an abusive father who abandoned him and I don't think he's over it (even though he says he is). His only ex girlfriend kind of cheated on him with his best friend (they weren't an official couple, it was implied that they were exclusive though, and during that time she sneaked around to fool around with his friend). Another girl he dated casually had multiple guys on the side too. The funny thing is he has more experience. He wasn't a virgin when we started dating, he had had intercourse and had received oral sex and hand jobs, etc. He also made out with other girls casually. But of course, it's different he says, because they were his age and they were classmates so it's not like what I did with guys I barely knew.

 

It has got so bad that he thinks I'm hiding even worse things. Like he has questioned my being a virgin when we started dating, because on my first time I didn't bleed. I've tried explaining to him that half of women don't bleed the first time and that he was very gentle too, so that could have been a factor. But he won't believe me, because his ex bled (she was a virgin too), and was in pain... and he volunteered this information, he said "Well, she told me maybe she bled and it hurt her because I was kind of big". That made me feel really bad, because I didn't ask to know about it, and it kind of made me feel like he was saying that she made him feel more of a man than I ever have. He didn't say this, but I felt like he meant that. I hope I'm wrong, though, but why else volunteer such intimate details?

 

I'm sorry this post was so long, but I had to give details so you'd know how deep this goes. I care about him, I love him, and when he's not being irrational he says he loves me too, I think he cares deeply about me even if it doesn't seem like it when he's irrational, and he's even admitted he has a problem and that it's irrational and he knows it's kind of his fault (he has only said this a few times). But when he's irrational, it's like he's a completely different person.

 

I've suffered a lot and don't know what to do, since I love him and it'd tear me to leave him, since we have so much in common and I really do love him, but it's been like 2 and a half years and it hasn't change, and I'm feeling like maybe it never will

 

Thanks for bearing with me and reading this whole thing!

Edited December 22, 2009 by WhateverHappens

[mark982]

lady, the best thing you can do ,is run for the hills. this guy has problems that he has to fix. he's going to drag you down emotionaly and (hopefully not) physically.

[reservoirdog1]

He needs to man up, grow some balls, and get over his jealousy. Period.

 

You've "explained yourself" far more than you ever were required to. So he's threatened by some guys you made out with and one guy you gave a partial BJ to, before you even knew him?

 

If you want to be with him, you should tell him that you are not going to discuss your past with him again, and that if that's a problem, then things just aren't going to work out between the two of you. As long as he still feels he can get some kind of need satisfied by continually bringing up your insignificant past, he'll keep doing so. You need to make it very clear to him that you're not doing that anymore. Period.

[make me believe]

Are you serious? He gets jealous, belittles you, and refuses to speak to you because you made out with a few guys 3-5 years ago??? COME ON! I especially love how he actually has more experience than you do but that's ok because his experiences happened "the right way".

 

You are walking on eggshells with this guy because you MADE OUT WITH A COUPLE OF GUYS BEFORE YOU EVEN KNEW HIM. Does that seem normal or healthy to you? His irrational jealousy and his treatment of you are huge red flags. I highly doubt this dude will ever change. It doesn't sound like he is attempting to change now and his crazy behavior will probably get worse as time goes on. You seriously need to dump him.

[Enema]

Your boyfriend is an insecure loser.

 

You're an insecure loser too, which is why you're with him.

 

But, now you know - you can stop being one and dump him! You deserve, and can have better.

[JoL]

This is sending the alarm bells ringing for me...I went out with a guy like this once.

 

I think he needs to seek a therapist to deal with his issues. What he is doing to you is not normal behaviour. Feeling tense and like you are on a knife edge when you are around him is not healthy for you.

 

If you really love him and want to make it work- then he needs to commit to some serious, and I mean SERIOUS therapy. Unfortunately, he may not be willing to do this. In which case I would say you cannot continue living your life in this way. You need to sit down and tell him what you are thinking. If he belittles you or dismisses your concerns- you have your answer. You deserve to be treated better than this. You have done nothing wrong.

[AAlike]

This is a common problem in the early stages of relationships for younger men, particularly the first time that they fall in love. It's a combination of conditioning and emotional immaturity, among other things.

 

The fact that you were a VIRGIN when you met this guy and are still being raked over the coals in this day and age is fairly mind-boggling...however, it's really not the specifics of the details that matter - unfortunately, all it takes is one easy-to-make association that he can visualize (i.e. you and his friend) and everything else, including rational thought and reasonable expectations, falls by the wayside.

 

You are correct that this is squarely his problem, and he's going to have to get over it on his own or it's going to affect not only his relationship with you, but his ability to have a relationship with anyone in the future.

 

As someone that had some similar types of problems early in my relationship (the circumstances were quite different but it's still in essence the same deal) I can attest to the fact that it is very possible to get over it without any drastic measures. However, the fact that it's still a problem after three years is sort of worrisome to me. I wouldn't put up with it much longer if I were you - it only lasted about a month or two for me and when I think back to that time I'm amazed that my wife was able to put up with that crap for that long - for you to have put up with it for THREE YEARS is almost unfathomable.

 

Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot that you can do, but one thing that you might want to try before abandoning hope is putting your foot down and turning the tables. A lot of women in this situation often do things like "I've told him I regret it, even though I really don't", and act apologetic, and although I understand why they do this, I think that it has the opposite effect of what is desired. By acting apologetic or regretful, you are probably fueling the notion that you've done something "wrong" when you really haven't. you might be best off dumping him and telling him you're sick of pandering to this BS notion of chastity and you'll ponder dating him again if and when he decides to grow up. it may not work, but at least he'll realize that he can't continue to throw this in your face. if that doesn't work, then perhaps some therapy as others have suggested.

[wheream_i]

Wonder how he'll feel when he gets a little older, finds a g/f who has actually had sex with other men before she knew him.