Hazyhead Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Originally Posted by Toodamnpragmatic I take it you are both single????? I think I already commented that there is an entirely different dynamic in play there........ Yes. I made a choice. I don't mean with my AP, but my previous partner, and the lack of sexual chemistry was a part of that choice. For me, it should always be enjoyable, and that enjoyment should lead to enthusiasm. I know that in a lot of long term relationships the sex life wanes after time, but if you still enjoy it then you should be enthusiastic about it, and that should lead to effort. Equally - on both parts. Like I said in my first post, maybe I'm incredibly naive, but single as I am at the moment after a long time in long term relationships, I want that sexual compatability with my next partner.
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 Where are you??? Here is where I expect JamesM (lost for a while on this site) and others to weigh in. Mem11363 I see has posted here, but not to the question. I know Mem11363 is always very introspective and shares his views and what has worked in his marriage, but from all his posts, I am sure he is in an 80/20 dynamic if he is honest.... And he has a very good sex life with his spouse. I just love this "perfect world" scenarios, but we don't live in one. To those that truly do have a 50/50 relationship, I commend you and hope you understand how lucky you are and cherish it.
Samantha0905 Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 To be truthful I can understand what happened in a logical way, after all men do have to be able to actually get an erection to have sex and physically a naked 30 yr old is a lot more sexually alluring visually than a naked 50 yr old. I have to take objection to this comment in two ways: Way #1 : I am 48 years old and am in physically way better shape than a lot of 30 year old women I see. I enjoy a healthy lifestyle, both nutritionally and physically. I'm glad they are beautiful. I'm glad I'm beautiful. I don't see it as a competition with young being more beautiful than more mature. I believe in the beauty of aging. In many cases, more mature is a better place to be. I wouldn't wish myself back to 30. Way #2 -- these are not in order of importance -- : I think visual sexual allure is created mostly by how sexually alluring a person feels they are -- if that makes sense? Confidence in one's sexuality, appearance and self in general is very attractive. Also, I couldn't agree more about the karma remark. Why did he tell you he couldn't have sex with you? I'm hoping he didn't say to you what you are explaining to us as his reasons. If he did, it seems he punched you as much as he could on his way out and that's someone being a crappy human being.
giotto Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 It's 50/50, isn't it? I might have to put a little bit of effort to get my wife started, but when she is ready to go, I can't stop her! Sometimes she has to stop not to orgasm too soon and I can't touch her down there, otherwise she climaxes immediately. Usually our sex sessions don't last that long... we just climax fairly quickly... So, I'm afraid I must say that a 80/20 ratio is rather silly...
GoodOnPaper Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Let me ask and be honest.... Who is more responsible to make sure sex is good???? I take most of the responsibility but it is a depressing venture because my wife has never orgasmed in her life -- what astounds me is that she refuses to receive oral, which I think would help the situation. Her tameness about sex stems largely from her body-image issues and despite my positive support in that area, there just hasn't been much, if any, headway there. You'd think that she would have dumped me or otherwise expressed dissatisfaction a long time ago, but this issue seems to bug me a lot more than it does her.
Samantha0905 Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 It's 50/50, isn't it? I might have to put a little bit of effort to get my wife started, but when she is ready to go, I can't stop her! Sometimes she has to stop not to orgasm too soon and I can't touch her down there, otherwise she climaxes immediately. Usually our sex sessions don't last that long... we just climax fairly quickly... So, I'm afraid I must say that a 80/20 ratio is rather silly... That's when it's time to go again.....
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 That's when it's time to go again..... Most (at least I think) women have one orgasm and are not multi-orgasmic (or don't want to be for whatever reason).... Then imagine the pressure to count and bring them to let's say 7 or 8 orgasms..... Way too much pressure.....
Kamille Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 I wonder if we're not all talking semantics here. There's a difference between initiating sex and 'pleasing' the other during sex. I think I initiate as much as my partner (if not more but it's hard to tell because it all seems rather mutual), but once we get going, I tend to focus on my own pleasure (which I need to do in order to reach orgasm) while he also tends to focus on my own pleasure. So, if anything, I'm 100% there and enjoying it while it's a bit trickier for him. Plus, I agree with TDP. There's the ideal and then there's reality. In my experience, each partner takes on a role and who pleases who might change, but bf and I kind of have a pattern going on.
giotto Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 That's when it's time to go again..... To be honest, I'm fairly happy with one... I'm not 21 anymore and our sex sessions are always quite late at night... waiting for everybody to be asleep... I suppose if I had a different -and new - sexual partner, things might be different... given our marital situation, I'm quite happy that sex is good when we have it... and it's got better recently...
mem11363 Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 (edited) During the last few months I have been the giver most of the time. But for the rest of our marriage: Outside the bedroom I was more the giver and inside the bedroom she was more the giver. I like our new routine. I like that she lets me pleasure her more. It is a nice change after so many years of her doing the geisha girl thing so frequently. In both directions I believe the giving is done with a true heart. It is motivated by a genuine desire "in the moment" to show love. There is no quid pro quo. I don't ask her to give me a massage after I give her one. It makes me happy when I hear her say "that felt so nice - thank you." Where are you??? Here is where I expect JamesM (lost for a while on this site) and others to weigh in. Mem11363 I see has posted here, but not to the question. I know Mem11363 is always very introspective and shares his views and what has worked in his marriage, but from all his posts, I am sure he is in an 80/20 dynamic if he is honest.... And he has a very good sex life with his spouse. I just love this "perfect world" scenarios, but we don't live in one. To those that truly do have a 50/50 relationship, I commend you and hope you understand how lucky you are and cherish it. Edited December 23, 2009 by mem11363
mem11363 Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Angie, I am completely aware of the ability to fake. Huge difference between not being in the mood and being sexually averse. Just saying that kind of age spread is more likely to result in an aversion outcome. Believe me, a woman does not have to be aroused to have sex with a man. She can fake it 100%. Many of us have done this at one time or another. The question for me, in this case, is what this woman is getting out of bieng with this particular man.
Samantha0905 Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 To be honest, I'm fairly happy with one... I'm not 21 anymore and our sex sessions are always quite late at night... waiting for everybody to be asleep... I suppose if I had a different -and new - sexual partner, things might be different... given our marital situation, I'm quite happy that sex is good when we have it... and it's got better recently... I'm happy for you. I'm an empty nester -- it definitely makes a difference when there are others in the house and you're waiting for them to fall asleep.
giotto Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 I'm happy for you. I'm an empty nester -- it definitely makes a difference when there are others in the house and you're waiting for them to fall asleep. yes, I fall asleep myself waiting for the others in the house to fall asleep and for my wife to stop reading!
mem11363 Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 I am going to bribe one of my kids to go to community college. I am scared to be in the house alone with a woman whose sex drive is peaking. Recently I told my wife: The first two times a week we do it for me. The third time we do it for us. Above that - we do it for you. Having the kids around really helps cover for my limitations. I think if they weren't here - she would be looking for close to 10 rounds a week. Every day and double features on the weekend. I simply cannot keep that pace. I never understood the whole idea where women would say - not really up for sex - I'll just give you a quick bj. Now I get it. Once the kids leave I will probably spend a certain amount of time on my knees. I'm happy for you. I'm an empty nester -- it definitely makes a difference when there are others in the house and you're waiting for them to fall asleep.
Samantha0905 Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 I am going to bribe one of my kids to go to community college. I am scared to be in the house alone with a woman whose sex drive is peaking. Recently I told my wife: The first two times a week we do it for me. The third time we do it for us. Above that - we do it for you. Having the kids around really helps cover for my limitations. I think if they weren't here - she would be looking for close to 10 rounds a week. Every day and double features on the weekend. I simply cannot keep that pace. I never understood the whole idea where women would say - not really up for sex - I'll just give you a quick bj. Now I get it. Once the kids leave I will probably spend a certain amount of time on my knees. ha,ha -- you're making me laugh while I'm crazy busy fixing prime rib, wrapping gifts, cleaning, etc. I think my biggest thing with the kids qa feeling like i has to squelch noises I make. I try not to be insanely loud, but I was always aware of being "quieter" during sex when they were younger. Luckily, I never had to deal with either of them walking in during the act -- I imagine that's quite surprise for parents also. Plus, when they were young -- I really was tired as heck. Raising children takes a lot of energy.
Phateless Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 I think that, in general, people think it's the male responsibility... but really.. it should be 50/50... If a woman cannot reach orgasm (because she never did in her lifetime).. then the male is accused of being a poor lover.. Yep. Best answer in thread right here. Women who just lie there and expect us to do everything for them are downright selfish lovers.
Natureofbeast Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 "IN general TD I think it's the job of both parties, your wife should be going out of her way to keep sex fresh and exciting for you, which includes the wearing of wigs and costumes, being willing to have sex in new positions and in new places, to be willing to explore role play up to and including mild B&D, she should be eager and open to oral and anal sex as well... if she doesn't always orgasm, it's not the end of the world nor does it mean sex wasn't enjoyable or that you didn't do your part." This is what I did after my H had his A and we have never been happier!!!! I was naive and very near a prude –never been with anyone but him, and too stuck in the mold of what of I thought constituted a "lady"–behavior of. I had no idea how much fun it was to be "naughty", sometimes I think I scare him.=) But it is all in great fun. Looking back, I know he put more effort into it than I did. And what changed it for us is both of us taking on a fair share of the responsibility for pleasing the other.
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 "IN general TD I think it's the job of both parties, your wife should be going out of her way to keep sex fresh and exciting for you, which includes the wearing of wigs and costumes, being willing to have sex in new positions and in new places, to be willing to explore role play up to and including mild B&D, she should be eager and open to oral and anal sex as well... if she doesn't always orgasm, it's not the end of the world nor does it mean sex wasn't enjoyable or that you didn't do your part." This is what I did after my H had his A and we have never been happier!!!! I was naive and very near a prude –never been with anyone but him, and too stuck in the mold of what of I thought constituted a "lady"–behavior of. I had no idea how much fun it was to be "naughty", sometimes I think I scare him.=) But it is all in great fun. Looking back, I know he put more effort into it than I did. And what changed it for us is both of us taking on a fair share of the responsibility for pleasing the other. For another honest answer..... Sad that it was an Affair that brought this out.... Hope however that you are happy....
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