Toodamnpragmatic Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 (edited) Let me ask and be honest.... Who is more responsible to make sure sex is good???? I know in my case it is 100% my responsibility (well at least 80%+). I will have an orgasm and I will enjoy it. I also know I will do the majority of the work. My wife too will orgasm, but I do know there is a difference between good and bad ones. Sometimes it will take much more work and not be all that satisfying for her (seldom, but yes it does happen). As someone who wants it more then my spouse, it is up to me to make sure it is satisfying for her.... If not, I take it as my fault, bad tachnique, out of sync...... Is this completely one-sided? Am I alone in this thinking? Am I completely out to lunch with this type of thinking? Is this at all a normal dynamic???? And I am in what i think a pretty good marriage. Edited December 22, 2009 by Toodamnpragmatic
Kamille Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I don't think of my orgasms as good or bad, just mild, satisfying or mind-blowing. And I enjoy them all - as usually a mind-blowing one will happen after a few mild ones. I do feel like my bf takes it upon himself to ensure the sex is good, so all I have to go is go along for the ride (and enjoy it ). But at the same time, I realize it is my responsibility to make sure I don't let stess get in the way of our sexual intimacy (as I am wont to do). And sometimes, just sometimes, I make it all about him.
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 I don't think of my orgasms as good or bad, just mild, satisfying or mind-blowing. And I enjoy them all - as usually a mind-blowing one will happen after a few mild ones. I do feel like my bf takes it upon himself to ensure the sex is good, so all I have to go is go along for the ride (and enjoy it ). But at the same time, I realize it is my responsibility to make sure I don't let stess get in the way of our sexual intimacy (as I am wont to do). And sometimes, just sometimes, I make it all about him. That's a better way of describing it (same for men)..... Also appreciate a woman stating this as I was wondering how honest people would be. I do honestly believe it is the male's responsibility....... and yes sometimes pressure....
luvstarved Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Yeah, no such thing as a bad orgasm! It is generally harder for women to orgasm and that puts more on the man a lot of times, it's true. It doesn't really need to be a scorecard...I understand the pressure angle, but...in a healthy relationship, people understand it ain't always going to be cosmic...and that as long as each of you feels you are getting what you need, and are able to work with each other when you aren't getting what you need to express and try to correct it, all's good.
NowhereToHide Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Todd, I had to think about this for a little bit before I responded. My initial thought was, I have an equal responsibility to make sure it's pleasurable for my partner. And I DO take this approach... I work hard! BUT... the fact that he will ALWAYS have an orgasm, and that it takes a bit more work for me (especially for the g-spot O's), I suppose puts a little bit more of the responsibility on him. Not a huge amount, but maybe just enough to tip the scales to his side in terms of effort. Here's the thing though.... I don't think he minds putting in a little more effort some days since I am putting in effort as well. I don't think you should be putting in the "majority" of the effort. 60/40 maybe, but not 80/20.... just my opinion....
Hazyhead Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Married or not, and maybe I'm being incredibly naive, but WTH isn't it 50/50? I have been in a serious long term relationship, and recently an affair, and never have I assumed the responsibility of good sex lies with the man. It doesn't matter to me that it takes longer for the female to orgasm than the man - it's all about the journey :-) I enjoy putting into it as much as I'm getting out.
Samantha0905 Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I've never had an orgasm with my husband other than via oral sex. With my AP I have had orgasms during actual intercourse. That is so nice. I don't know why I'm sharing that piece of information. Anyway, mine vary as to intensity also and -- agreed -- any orgasm is great by me. In any event, I've only ever slept with my husband and my AP. With my husband, it was (hasn't happened in six months) almost scripted...... kissing, oral sex for me, oral sex for him after he makes sure he shoves my head in that direction without waiting to see if I'm heading there myself, then about 10 seconds of intercourse (me on top) and voila. The end. With my AP, it was much more prolonged and varied. I always go out of my way to please him, but I honestly think he's the type that derives more pleasure from pleasuring me -- my responses. At least that's what he told me. He also has a lot more experience with variety (past relationships) than I do and I think he's more skillful. I try to make sure he's as pleased as I am, but he seems to want to be the one who expends the most effort. I'm talking in past and present as we recently saw each other again, so no contact has gone to Hell in a handbasket.
hopeful1980 Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I think it's the man's responsibility to make sure the sex is good. Call me what you want, but I just do. That being said, I think women do more of the heavy lifting when it comes to intimacy and affection. Everyone has there role to play in a marriage. Some people are better at somethings than others and many times our strengths and weaknesses fall into gender roles. Personally, I'm okay with that.
Lizzie60 Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I think that, in general, people think it's the male responsibility... but really.. it should be 50/50... If a woman cannot reach orgasm (because she never did in her lifetime).. then the male is accused of being a poor lover..
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Married or not, and maybe I'm being incredibly naive, but WTH isn't it 50/50? I have been in a serious long term relationship, and recently an affair, and never have I assumed the responsibility of good sex lies with the man. It doesn't matter to me that it takes longer for the female to orgasm than the man - it's all about the journey :-) I enjoy putting into it as much as I'm getting out. When such a number of people are on here complaining about lack of sex, when you do have it, the one complaining is going to put in 90% of the work, because they want it to be pleasurable (usually for her) and thus they remember that it is a fun exnjoyable activity. Also 90%+ of males have little trouble orgasming, thus often they concentrate on making it about the woman (or so my thinking goes)..... As for new affairs/partners, sure it can be 50/50, because really aren't you showing off and trying to prove your partner made the right decision to sleep with you?????
soserious1 Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 (edited) Personally I think it's 50/50, my ex-husband could seldom orgasm with me and frequently lost his erections at the sight of me nude.. a situation that was clearly my fault. He has zero problems with his new partner who's 20 years younger. Edited December 22, 2009 by soserious1
mem11363 Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 SS1, How aroused do you think SHE is going to be by him, when she is 50, he is 70 and he is wearing depends to bed because he is incontinent? How attracted will she be to his 70 year old - liver spotted skin? The lack of spring and vitality in his step? His inability to have vigorous sex? His loss of muscle mass and muscle tone? His dental problems? He will get his - and it will be a long and brutal and relentless process of rejection likely followed by her cheating on him and leaving him. I strongly believe in karma. Personally I think it's 50/50, my ex-husband could seldom orgasm with me and frequently lost his erections at the sight of me nude.. a situation that was clearly my fault. He has zero problems with his new partner who's 20 years younger.
Stung Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I'm not sure exactly how you're mentally framing this. Do men have to work a bit harder to get women off? Probably, most of the time, although my husband gets more difficult to bring to the finish line when he's under a lot of stress. But should men be solely responsible for a relationship's sexual spark and health? Of course not. In my relationship we tend to take turns depending on who's the most tired or stressed out...it's been a tough year for both of us. On a good day, esp. if we've both had at least six hours of sleep, we both have the energy to put some sweat and creativity into it, but if we're both in the mood but just one of us has the energy, that one steps up to the plate and does most of the work to make sure we're both satisfied. There have been patches lately where he assumes more of the heavy lifting more often, because I get far less sleep than he does being up half the night with the baby, but then he goes out of his way to take the kid on the weekends so I can sleep in and he rubs my back which is always hurting these days, and I usually make it up to him big-time when the kids are asleep...not because he's earned a reward but because he's helped me feel better and when I feel better I like to get busy. Sex should definitely be give and take for both parties. And, IMO, while some orgasms are definitely better than others, any orgasm is a good thing. I've found their intensity usually has more to do with my hormonal cycle and frame of mind than any minor variation in his technique. Also sometimes it's not even necessary...I achieve O most of the time and in a few different ways, fortunately, but sometimes I'm happy enough just to have the physical bonding with my husband and help him get to sleep . Maybe because we didn't meet until I was 30 and he was 35 so we had plenty of time to learn with other partners not to take good sex for granted?
soserious1 Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 (edited) SS1, How aroused do you think SHE is going to be by him, when she is 50, he is 70 and he is wearing depends to bed because he is incontinent? How attracted will she be to his 70 year old - liver spotted skin? The lack of spring and vitality in his step? His inability to have vigorous sex? His loss of muscle mass and muscle tone? His dental problems? He will get his - and it will be a long and brutal and relentless process of rejection likely followed by her cheating on him and leaving him. I strongly believe in karma. To be truthful I can understand what happened in a logical way, after all men do have to be able to actually get an erection to have sex and physically a naked 30 yr old is a lot more sexually alluring visually than a naked 50 yr old. I don't wish him bad karma at this point, I honestly don't. I'm just sorry things ended as painfully as they did and I have to take some responsibility for that. I knew why he couldn't have sex with me, I should have ended the marriage a good year before I finally did. IN general TD I think it's the job of both parties, your wife should be going out of her way to keep sex fresh and exciting for you, which includes the wearing of wigs and costumes, being willing to have sex in new positions and in new places, to be willing to explore role play up to and including mild B&D, she should be eager and open to oral and anal sex as well... if she doesn't always orgasm, it's not the end of the world nor does it mean sex wasn't enjoyable or that you didn't do your part. Edited December 22, 2009 by soserious1
angie2443 Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 SS1, How aroused do you think SHE is going to be by him, when she is 50, he is 70 and he is wearing depends to bed because he is incontinent? . Believe me, a woman does not have to be aroused to have sex with a man. She can fake it 100%. Many of us have done this at one time or another. The question for me, in this case, is what this woman is getting out of bieng with this particular man.
Heroic Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Wow, I must be living at the freakshow with all these comments. My wife is multi O and usually has 4-10 orgasms before I have mine.
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 To be truthful I can understand what happened in a logical way, after all men do have to be able to actually get an erection to have sex and physically a naked 30 yr old is a lot more sexually alluring visually than a naked 50 yr old. I don't wish him bad karma at this point, I honestly don't. I'm just sorry things ended as painfully as they did and I have to take some responsibility for that. I knew why he couldn't have sex with me, I should have ended the marriage a good year before I finally did. IN general TD I think it's the job of both parties, your wife should be going out of her way to keep sex fresh and exciting for you, which includes the wearing of wigs and costumes, being willing to have sex in new positions and in new places, to be willing to explore role play up to and including mild B&D, she should be eager and open to oral and anal sex as well... if she doesn't always orgasm, it's not the end of the world nor does it mean sex wasn't enjoyable or that you didn't do your part. What he did to you, the self loathing and disgust at growing older (not old) was unconsciousble... I appreciate and we all hope it is the job of both parties, but i am telling you that I doubt it is in 90% of cases...... Hell, if my wife did any of the above (and she is no prude who did have a past), I'd probably pass out......... But why is there a need to keep it fresh for the other party, when it is usually the other asking and wanting it more often, and usually going without???? Again cue the violins for the sex-starved spouse ......
Kamille Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Wow, I must be living at the freakshow with all these comments. My wife is multi O and usually has 4-10 orgasms before I have mine. hee hee hee I orgasm on average more often then bf... But he still has this thing where he feels responsible for sex more than I do. I'm just having fun and always into it, whereas he wants to make sure I have splendid fun. His last LTR became sex-less and I can tell it's very important to him that I stay into it. I'm not complaining and yes, I am aware that I am completely spoiled.
wheream_i Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Good point hazy. Putting into it as much as you want out of it. I've heard that not every man with a huge c*ck is good in bed and not every man with a less than sizeable c*ck is bad in bed. So with that said, I don't think it's always up to the guy. I've had bad sex where the girl will just lay there motionless and speechless like a cadaver. Sometimes I want that, depending on how much I want to dominate the situation. Other times I want to see her bounce and work that a$$ and talk dirty to me like there's no tomorrow. Orgasm or no orgasm, the girl has just as much responsibility a making the sex an enjoyable experience. Married or not, and maybe I'm being incredibly naive, but WTH isn't it 50/50? I have been in a serious long term relationship, and recently an affair, and never have I assumed the responsibility of good sex lies with the man. It doesn't matter to me that it takes longer for the female to orgasm than the man - it's all about the journey :-) I enjoy putting into it as much as I'm getting out.
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 Good point hazy. Putting into it as much as you want out of it. I've heard that not every man with a huge c*ck is good in bed and not every man with a less than sizeable c*ck is bad in bed. So with that said, I don't think it's always up to the guy. I've had bad sex where the girl will just lay there motionless and speechless like a cadaver. Sometimes I want that, depending on how much I want to dominate the situation. Other times I want to see her bounce and work that a$$ and talk dirty to me like there's no tomorrow. Orgasm or no orgasm, the girl has just as much responsibility a making the sex an enjoyable experience. I take it you are both single????? I think I already commented that there is an entirely different dynamic in play there........
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 Wow, I must be living at the freakshow with all these comments. My wife is multi O and usually has 4-10 orgasms before I have mine. What else is there to say...... Ah if life were so easy for all of us;)..... I guess the only concern is keeping up???????
wheream_i Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 IN general TD I think it's the job of both parties, your wife should be going out of her way to keep sex fresh and exciting for you, which includes the wearing of wigs and costumes, being willing to have sex in new positions and in new places, to be willing to explore role play up to and including mild B&D, she should be eager and open to oral and anal sex as well... if she doesn't always orgasm, it's not the end of the world nor does it mean sex wasn't enjoyable or that you didn't do your part. You're damn right. But not just that, she should be willing to want to do it all on her own. Not just because it's what the guy wants.
wheream_i Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 I take it you are both single????? I think I already commented that there is an entirely different dynamic in play there........ I might as well be. Probably not going to work with the live-in g/f. But regardless, aside from the occasional lame f*ck, I don't think I've ever had a bad lover. One that didn't put forth the same amount of effort as I do.
soserious1 Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 You're damn right. But not just that, she should be willing to want to do it all on her own. Not just because it's what the guy wants. I think on this one you have to be careful, just as men cannot help that they are visually stimulated by virtue of the way they are made there are a lot of women who seldom orgasm because of the way they are made, this isn't her fault, it isn't his fault, what it does mean is that a wife will need to be motivated to engage in all manner of sexual play simply because she loves her husband and wishes to please him.
doushenka Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 physically a naked 30 yr old is a lot more sexually alluring visually than a naked 50 yr old. Not necessarily. It's all in what you do with yourself over the years. Age is not an excuse for a man to stop wanting a woman -- or vice versa, might I add; my personal fifty-year-old is a work of art, albeit an unconventional one. Thirty and fifty are beautiful in very different ways, but they're still beautiful, and I'm sorry your husband couldn't see how lovely you were. *big hugs* (On-topic: we each bring as much of ourselves as we can to bed, so really, it's closer to 100% each. Why make love half-heartedly?)
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