Is it time for me to leave?

[Samantha0905]

 

yes,sam's H is narrow minded to believe his partner is trustworthy...he himself doesn't know what's wrong with it(M) you seem to know better than him.

 

Do I know you personally? You seem to think you know me. Very odd.

[Samantha0905]

 

I don't know whether I need to leave, or just grow up. This is a terribly important decision for me and my H. And my kids. It really is the first time I have faced this kind of problem.

 

The way I feel tonight as opposed to last night is that my H is the dearest person in all the world to me, and that xMOM is a rat. My feelings fluctuate. I don't trust them. So I am doing the rational thing at the moment, which is to stay and try to work it out.

 

I will try and get some perspective, and LS helps.

 

Sorry for the thread jack ww. I hate when people are so accusatory about people they don't even know.

 

I like the above post by you. It's a good thing that you realize your feelings are over the board. I also feel my husband can be the dearest person in the world at times.

 

Continue to hash out your feelings. Remember your feelings are fluctuating as you continue to work on things. I hope things work out for the best for you in the end.

[eeyore1981]

It wasn't directed at you at all. You make some valid points. If you do remember my story you will see that I did disclose my A. My W was the one that didn't, I had to catch her..so I understand these points more than I think. BTW...nice sarcasm...I do not state that I am a family therapist to show superiority, just so that people know where I am coming from. If it makes you feel insecure, then that is something that you have to own.

 

The "crap" I refer to is that people assume that she can just turn off her emotions. That she should just decided "poof" I don't feel anything for him anymore. She has gone NC. She is working on how she feels. It will follow.

 

As for the issue of whether she should disclose the A or not. Why does that creep into every thread. That was not WW's question. How about we try to answer that question. Yeah we get that she should disclose it. Why don't you all just put that in your signature already? Let's move on and try to help her.

 

Wow, just wow. It always amazes me how some people can read things into posts that aren't there.

 

I vaguely remember your story, but there are a lot of stories in here, and they are hard to keep straight.

 

My reference to you being a family therapist was not exactly sarcasm. I was conceding what I am saying is not from any professional training, but my opinion. You being a family therapist does not make me insecure, however, it does make me wonder how effective therapy really is seeing how far your marriage slipped with the training you have had. This is not a jab at you, it is my inability to word what I am trying to say with a little more tact. One of the symptoms I seem to be suffering from the stress overload of my H's affair is my brain seems to only be functioning at half power. I hope this is just temporary.

 

I don't think the 'crap' is directed to me, as I didn't say she could turn her emotions off. My point, actually my whole point, is it is hardly fair to her H to let him be trying to get past her cheating on him while she is pining away for her lost love. She said she was feeling ashamed, and you act like she shouldn't, yet I disagree strongly. Shame is part of what makes us look at ourselves and our actions and work to correct what we have done and repair the damage caused by what we have done.

 

I was under the assumption she had disclosed the A. If not, then, yeah, she should, and apparently it does need repeating over and over and over and over because so many cheaters seem to just not get it. Their situation is always different, always unique, there are always special circumstances.... Seems to me if you remove the identifying info, they are all pretty much the same story.

 

If WW was in an unhappy marriage, and she was debating over did she or did she not love her H, and did she or did she not want to stay married, I would advise discussing this with her H in an effort to work it out, but her H also has a responsibility to be aware what state the marriage is in, and should also be dealing with it. If she were to decide to just get a divorce without telling him how she felt, the only thing I see wrong there is she passed up an opportunity to maybe fix things. But since she has had an affair, all that goes out the window. Her H, by being there, is digging himself out of a lot of crap WW dumped on him, and it is nothing more than decency to let him know, after already betraying him, that all this effort is possibly just a waste of time.

[Devil Inside]

Wow, just wow. It always amazes me how some people can read things into posts that aren't there.

 

I vaguely remember your story, but there are a lot of stories in here, and they are hard to keep straight.

 

My reference to you being a family therapist was not exactly sarcasm. I was conceding what I am saying is not from any professional training, but my opinion. You being a family therapist does not make me insecure, however, it does make me wonder how effective therapy really is seeing how far your marriage slipped with the training you have had. This is not a jab at you, it is my inability to word what I am trying to say with a little more tact. One of the symptoms I seem to be suffering from the stress overload of my H's affair is my brain seems to only be functioning at half power. I hope this is just temporary.

 

I don't think the 'crap' is directed to me, as I didn't say she could turn her emotions off. My point, actually my whole point, is it is hardly fair to her H to let him be trying to get past her cheating on him while she is pining away for her lost love. She said she was feeling ashamed, and you act like she shouldn't, yet I disagree strongly. Shame is part of what makes us look at ourselves and our actions and work to correct what we have done and repair the damage caused by what we have done.

 

I was under the assumption she had disclosed the A. If not, then, yeah, she should, and apparently it does need repeating over and over and over and over because so many cheaters seem to just not get it. Their situation is always different, always unique, there are always special circumstances.... Seems to me if you remove the identifying info, they are all pretty much the same story.

 

If WW was in an unhappy marriage, and she was debating over did she or did she not love her H, and did she or did she not want to stay married, I would advise discussing this with her H in an effort to work it out, but her H also has a responsibility to be aware what state the marriage is in, and should also be dealing with it. If she were to decide to just get a divorce without telling him how she felt, the only thing I see wrong there is she passed up an opportunity to maybe fix things. But since she has had an affair, all that goes out the window. Her H, by being there, is digging himself out of a lot of crap WW dumped on him, and it is nothing more than decency to let him know, after already betraying him, that all this effort is possibly just a waste of time.

 

 

I owe you an apology. I projected all over you back there and I did make a lot of assumptions. In general you and I are on the same page. I am sorry for your pain....and if I made it worse by acting like I knew better again I apologize. It is hard not to allow emotions to get the best of my words sometimes.

[eeyore1981]

I owe you an apology. I projected all over you back there and I did make a lot of assumptions. In general you and I are on the same page. I am sorry for your pain....and if I made it worse by acting like I knew better again I apologize. It is hard not to allow emotions to get the best of my words sometimes.

 

Hey, it's all good. I apologize, too. I'm not kidding when I say I'm functioning with half a brain. My ability to verbalize my thoughts has left the building, it seems, and I feel like maybe what I am saying doesn't come across well. You were fine, I took no offense, and as far as the emotions taking over, it happens to me a lot.

 

(((Devil Inside)))

[wheelwright]

Hi all,

 

I am thinkingthe tensions thrown up in this thread reflect the tensions in my own mind about this issue.

 

Posts that seem to bash I ignore, posts with a genuine comment i read and try to examine how they make me feel/develop. Thanks for the continued support, which right now has been great.

 

I wanted to clear up for eeyore that I was completely honest with my H about my feelings for the first three months after DDay, and had no idea at all if recommitting was remotely possible. As you can imagine, it put my H threw the mill.

 

Now he is still aware that I have doubts about the M, but I don't bring up xMOM anymore. He in fact asked me not too, as it was too painful. He felt I was trying to hurt him (perhaps I was, subconsciously?).

 

He knows I want to reconcile if possible, and that I still suffer.

 

Someone (sorry forgot who) expressed dislike for me calling xMOM a rat. It is not that he wanted to reconcile with his W that makes me think that of him. Despite the pain involved, I am quite able to wish them the best. It is the way he treated me in the fall out. Which is probably another reason I find my feelings hard to cope with.

 

Thanks to all (well, most!) who have responded.

 

Merry Christmas.

[imagine]

Thought of MOM is a trigger for you and for H. Keep looking at your marriage. Please look at the advice at Marriage builders. com articles. They are free and exactly describe your situation.

 

There are still a few stages in recovery that you have to discover. The ups and downs of recovery are just a small part.

 

And Merry Christmas to both you and H!

[wheelwright]

There is one more thing I want to throw out there before this thread goes to sleep.

 

Three months ago I read a book about abandonment which asked me to do a visualisation.

 

It asked me to envisiage the perfect house, the setting etc. Part way through the visualisation I realised my H would not be part of it. I don't know if that is the reality, but the power of that realisation set back my reconciliation.

 

I want to say that I have moved closer to my H over the last few months, despite my doubts.

 

And that my fweelings about xMOM continue to confuse me. And that if people really feel in my current confusion and honesty I should give up the ghost, then they will be telling me what I want too hear.

[jnj express]

Whatever you had with your OM, was fantasy and more than likely infatuation. Was it the hot passion you had at the beginning of your mge., A mge., that has probably become, boring stale, and old. But that is mge., you have to adapt to the fact that mge is hard work, messing around with OM is fantasy, you paid no bills, you made no decisions about life, you had no dealings with disciplining your kids, you didn't have to worry about insurance or property tax, you didn't have to repair things, cook, wash etc., the things that are reality----you just snuck around and played in disneyland. Mge is not fantasy it is reality----your H. is reality, your OM, was just a no responsibility fantasy.

 

You have kids, be responsible and do what you agreed to do when you took your vows. Otherwise stop putting your H. thru pain, and your household thru constant tension, get a divorce go to your OM, and see if you are part of the 3% who make it, or the 97% who wreck a mge, and end up splitting from the person who helped you wreck the lives of those who actually and really loved you.