Is it time for me to leave?

[wheelwright]

6 months NC with xMOM.

 

4 years shaky in my M.

 

Should I leave given I still think about xMOM all the time and feel I never loved another like him etc.

 

My H is the most wonderful guy, but I am starting to feel I can't beat these feelings. I would rather shoot myself and ditch my wonderful H than go on with this dichotomy.

 

I want to know if I am I insane or in love?

[bentnotbroken]

6 months NC with xMOM.

 

4 years shaky in my M.

 

Should I leave given I still think about xMOM all the time and feel I never loved another like him etc. (Yes, your H deserves real love)

 

My H is the most wonderful guy, but I am starting to feel I can't beat these feelings. I would rather shoot myself and ditch my wonderful H than go on with this dichotomy. ( You can't beat what you don't want to beat. Ask any addict)

 

I want to know if I am I insane or in love? (only you and whatever God and/or professioanl can help you answer that) [/QUOTE]

 

 

Make a choice.

[imagine]

 

4 years shaky in my M.

 

 

Why is the marriage shaky? Why should contact with xMOM make that relationship scenario better than H?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Ok. Time for a thread jack!!!

 

Scorp thanks for calling me out! I'm happy to hear that you have my thoughts and feelings down pat, as for the last few months ive struggled to make light of my situation. But gosh, I should have talked to you first because obviously you know it better than I do!!!

 

you know what? you are absolutely right. i was involved in a R with two men for over 3 years and i was unable to just walk away without seriously considering and thinking about both of them.

 

im not going to hide it. in my mind the forced NC simply isnt a truthful option. i loved both of them. so to tell my H immediately after dday that i didnt have feelings for both parties would have been a complete lie. i tried it for a while, but wasnt fooling anyone. afterall, would my A have lasted for so long if i didnt have some sort of feelings for my xmm?

 

i do however think that cheaters can change. I can tell you that i will 100% never ever ever cheat again. i was honest with my husband and my xmm. its not about sweeping the A under the rug, minimizing it and pretending i didnt have true feelings for him. that would be a lie and would be continuing the deception of my H. so i gave him the truth. to force my H to stay while i still loved another would be selfish and unfair to him. i need to get my own s*** straight before i can give myself to him fully. i realize i may lose him, but if i cannot devote my all to him then i dont deserve such a kind, caring, loving man.

 

the truth is im utterly confused, sad, beside myself. i love them both. genuinely, but differently. my H deserves to know that and should be able to make his decision on whether to stay with me or not based on factual information, not a load of BS i feed him in a selfish attempt to get him not to leave me.

 

but thank you, you have certainly cleared it up for me.

Edited December 22, 2009 by mybrowneyedgirl

[Algonquin]

scopio, how old are you? Could you please use full form and not text shortened words, to be honest it is quite annoying and hard to take anything you say seriously when it reads like a 15 year old.

 

You should leave your marriage if you feel you need to, but not because of MOM. He is still married. Leave because you don't want to be with your husband anymore, leave because you'd rather be alone.

[imagine]

You should leave your marriage if you feel you need to, but not because of MOM. He is still married. Leave because you don't want to be with your husband anymore, leave because you'd rather be alone.

 

Marriages get better and worse. Affairs NEVER help a marriage.

 

Contact by working with OM will always be a trigger. You will feel much better when the marriage to MOM goes through the same trials as with H. Staying in the presence of OM will always extend your withdrawal.

[Devil Inside]

Hey Wheelwright...I feel you.

 

I have been NC for about the same time. I still am not sure I want to be in this M. It is not getting much better. It is tolerable, but it has the feel it did before the A.

 

I will give you some insight that many of the wiser and more respected posters here have given me. People that have reconciled after an A, and most of them were BS. Wait at least a year after NC started to really make that decision. Have you tried MC? IC? I think you really need to give it a shot so that if you still decide to walk away you can do so knowing that you have no regrets.

 

The fact that you are conflicted and writing this post tells me that you would have some lingering doubts if you were to walk out the door right now. Not that it might not eventually be the answer...but you want to make sure...it is a big step.

 

Good luck. We (well most of us) are here to support...so utilize the board if needed. Feel free to ask me any questions you may need to as well.

[Devil Inside]

yes,u shud leave ur wonderful H alone, anyways who made the choice to reconcile

 

"Should I leave given I still think about xMOM all the time and feel I never loved another like him "

 

does he aware of it(i hope not),make him aware of it, he will not stop u for a minute

 

tell him this "I still think about xMOM all the time and feel I never loved another like him"(if u really mean it)

 

 

ALL BSs, never give second chance, a cheaters can not be changed(pure opportunists)...once a cheater is always a cheater.

 

i did a lil research over LS, some of them MBEG, NWH, mBYm (and many i don't know)

 

cheaters always wanted a change but they never change,move on

 

Wow...listen bro..if you are going to call out some people that I happen to respect like that with your "research" then at least convince us that you have the intellectual aptitude to conduct such research as proven by your use of the vernacular. Just saying.

[Spark1111]

6 months NC with xMOM.

 

4 years shaky in my M.

 

Should I leave given I still think about xMOM all the time and feel I never loved another like him etc.

 

My H is the most wonderful guy, but I am starting to feel I can't beat these feelings. I would rather shoot myself and ditch my wonderful H than go on with this dichotomy.

 

I want to know if I am I insane or in love?

 

I agree with DI. NC, IC, MC. It is the only way to figure it out for yourself!

 

I am a BS, and two-years since DDAY, I have finally found some peace.

 

It is no different for BSs: Yes, we love the spouse but will we have the courage to overcome this? Will we stay in love? Will love and counseling and changed behaviors be enough to keep it together....for life?

 

I too have a recurring fantasy of a really nice guy who loves me for who I am and would never, ever hurt me in this manner. That's common among Bss, according to my therapist.

 

But I can't live my life wondering if the grass is greener somewhere else. These are the cards I've been played. I try every tool out there to make it work where it is wonderful, or I walk away.

 

I need to OWN my choices so I can live my life without regret and guilt.

 

If you have not exhausted every tool out there to have the type of relationship you want with your H, you are not being fair to him, or yourself!

 

The rule of thumb is waiting at least one year from the time you make a decision, to executing it, during times of emotional upheaval.

 

And that year should be filled with research, education, introspection and therapy, therapy, therapy, IMHO.

[PhoenixRise]

6 months NC with xMOM.

 

4 years shaky in my M.

 

Should I leave given I still think about xMOM all the time and feel I never loved another like him etc.

 

My H is the most wonderful guy, but I am starting to feel I can't beat these feelings. I would rather shoot myself and ditch my wonderful H than go on with this dichotomy.

 

I want to know if I am I insane or in love?

 

Wheelright

 

I think you want to be fair to your H and this is a good way to think.

Does he know you still have deep feelings for the OM?

 

I don't think these feelings resolve themself overnight.

 

I think you should first be honest with your H about your feelings (if you haven't already) Let him decide if he wants to try to work things through with you.

 

If he, knowing how you feel, wants to give it a try, give yourself a year. Do IC, Do MC. Not just marking your time and checking things off the list waiting out your year...but really throw yourself into exploring what you have with your H.

 

Then, if you can't love him as he deserves or if you are not happy, get a divorce.

 

Truly, I think there is an element of escapism in affairs. They temporarily help you hide from a multitude of issues including family tragedys and problems in the marriage. The affair feels extra good in part because it serves as an escape. After dday things in the marriage get soooo much worse, you start to question everything including if you ever loved your spouse (and IDK maybe you didn't). I think as things feel worse in the M, the affair and the AP look much better..After all, dealing with the fallout feels like hell for both the BS and WS...while the affair, for the WS, felt good.

 

I think that deep down you recognize that this AP who you feel you loved as no other let you down. When the chips were down, he chose to go NC with you and try to save his M. Maybe at this point because you cheated, you feel this is what you deserve...to give your love to someone who won't wholeheartedly chose you. Because the man you are thinking of walking away from is the man you describe as a wonderful man, a man who is willingly walking through this storm with you, a man who hasn't abandoned you.

 

Having said all that, if you can't love him the way he deserves let him go..I think you should give yourself some time to get yourself sorted out though...if your H has all the facts and is willing to give you that time.

[Samantha0905]

25, i am not writing a business letter or professional compendium over here...but thanx...i would try to keep as full as possible

 

Regardless, it makes your posts difficult to read and certainly less seriously considered.

 

6 months NC with xMOM.

 

4 years shaky in my M.

 

Should I leave given I still think about xMOM all the time and feel I never loved another like him etc.

 

My H is the most wonderful guy, but I am starting to feel I can't beat these feelings. I would rather shoot myself and ditch my wonderful H than go on with this dichotomy.

 

I want to know if I am I insane or in love?

 

Have you gone to counseling? I've read a lot of your posts and can't remember.

 

I don't know if you're in love or not, but if your ex-AP is no longer around and not making himself available to you, it's not really an important thing to consider I suppose. I hope that didn't sound harsh. I don't mean it that way. It just simply does not matter.

 

Now, if you're definitely not going to be in love with your husband and you know it -- that's a very important consideration. If you're not in love with your husband, I don't know if that's a feeling you can just produce. If you were in love with him at one time, perhaps it is a feeling you can reproduce, with hard work and some counseling.

 

I like what Phoenix asked you to consider -- a man who was willing to walk away and a man who is willing to stand by your side and work on things.

 

It isn't the only consideration, but if you ever were in love with your husband -- it's something I think you need to seriously consider.

[wheelwright]

Thanks DI, Spark, PhoenixR and Sam 0905.

 

You are right I need to give it more time. I recognise my H is someone in my life who has never abandoned me, and I really do appreciate him. But it all comes crumbling down, especially when I think of how I felt about xMOM.

 

And I think I do need IC. The MC bit we are researching ourselves to good effect.

 

It meant so much to me to read your replies. I want to rededicate but find it so hard. My H does know about my feelings, but I don't show him how much I swing anymore. And to be honest, the swinging is less potent than it was as I learn to let go of xMOM. Learning this seems harder in NC. I don't know what he feels if anything. I end up wondering about it, which is no good I guess.

 

The xMOM seemed to fit so well together, it made me more aware of where my H and me seem so 'abrasive' sometimes.

 

Anyway, reading your replies has helped me re-centre myself, so thanks again.

[eeyore1981]

6 months NC with xMOM.

 

4 years shaky in my M.

 

Should I leave given I still think about xMOM all the time and feel I never loved another like him etc.

 

My H is the most wonderful guy, but I am starting to feel I can't beat these feelings. I would rather shoot myself and ditch my wonderful H than go on with this dichotomy.

 

I want to know if I am I insane or in love?

 

Honest answer.

 

If I was married to you, I would want you to leave. Seriously, everyone who would want to continue to be married to someone who was dreaming away about their affair partner in terms of 'I never loved another like him'/her, raise your online hand...

 

Here's a thought, because, bottom line, it doesn't matter what I, or anyone else on this board thinks, what matters is what your husband thinks, so ask him. Tell him what you have posted to us in here, how wonderful the love you have for OM is, and does H want you to stay, or pack your sh*t and go get him. Then, by all means, keep your user name secret, but give your H the heads up on this forum so he can come here and we can help him get through your divorce and build him up enough to eventually meet and fall in love with someone else. He should be able to have love with someone else, too, shouldn't he?

[jwi71]

Wheelwright,

 

I'm going to suggest something for YOU. And no, it won't help your M one bit.

 

Lets go NC with your H. Pack up, move out and go NC for 90 days.

 

During this "hermit time"...you are FORBIDDEN to contact the OM...you are STILL NC with him. You are also NC with your H. You are FORBIDDEN to date - not even your H. He is NOT permitted to date. Neither of you are ALLOW to seek legal counsel for divorce. You are both FORBIDDEN from ANY words or ACTIONS that hurts the other.

 

90 days.

 

You are REQUIRED to make your WEEKLY MC sessions and any IC sessions.

 

Then, after 90 days. Go to dinner with your H and talk.

[wheelwright]

Wheelwright,

 

I'm going to suggest something for YOU. And no, it won't help your M one bit.

 

Lets go NC with your H. Pack up, move out and go NC for 90 days.

 

 

This post (and perhaps eeyore's) makes me feel ashamed.

 

I would have loved to do this some time ago. It doesn't seem very practical unfortunately. However, it reminds me that I need to get the kind of perspective this H NC would afford me. Perhaps I can try to get it in my head.

 

In truth, there are times when I feel positive about my M. And heartfelt about it.

 

I understand that to some people on LS my feelings about xMOM seem totally inadmissable in a reconciliation. But I am trying to learn a hard and confusing lesson here. I don't want to make a bigger mistake than I've already made. I feel I am getting over the A sometimes, but slip back in at others. It is not simple. It is painful. I am not playing games or trying to deceive anyone, including myself. I find my feelings and reality are not in synch and it is scary.

 

I am trying to work out whether love is the feelings I had for xMOM, or whether it is about commitment, working things out, knowing you can rely on someone, being a good friend even if the fit isn't quite right. I don't trust my feelings, for they brought me and others such pain.

 

If I trusted my feelings, I would walk. I was walking during the A when I did trust them.

 

I don't know whether I need to leave, or just grow up. This is a terribly important decision for me and my H. And my kids. It really is the first time I have faced this kind of problem.

 

The way I feel tonight as opposed to last night is that my H is the dearest person in all the world to me, and that xMOM is a rat. My feelings fluctuate. I don't trust them. So I am doing the rational thing at the moment, which is to stay and try to work it out.

 

I will try and get some perspective, and LS helps.

[datura_noir]

The xMM is no more a rat for trying to work on his marriage than you are. It really hurts me when I hear people say that because a man goes back to his W to work on his M, that he was a rat and a miserable coward. NO, he wasn't. He was doing the right and honest thing. He may have ACTED like a rat by lying, but, so did you. If he wants to make his life right, why does that mean he is a coward, or that he will be miserable? Don't you want to do the same? Didn't you do some cowardly things during the A??

 

I like the 90 days NC thing with BOTH....it is hard though, with kids. LC would be the answer. (Through a family member of course). But I think it would be eye-opening for you.

[Devil Inside]

This post (and perhaps eeyore's) makes me feel ashamed.

 

I would have loved to do this some time ago. It doesn't seem very practical unfortunately. However, it reminds me that I need to get the kind of perspective this H NC would afford me. Perhaps I can try to get it in my head.

 

In truth, there are times when I feel positive about my M. And heartfelt about it.

 

I understand that to some people on LS my feelings about xMOM seem totally inadmissable in a reconciliation. But I am trying to learn a hard and confusing lesson here. I don't want to make a bigger mistake than I've already made. I feel I am getting over the A sometimes, but slip back in at others. It is not simple. It is painful. I am not playing games or trying to deceive anyone, including myself. I find my feelings and reality are not in synch and it is scary.

 

I am trying to work out whether love is the feelings I had for xMOM, or whether it is about commitment, working things out, knowing you can rely on someone, being a good friend even if the fit isn't quite right. I don't trust my feelings, for they brought me and others such pain.

 

If I trusted my feelings, I would walk. I was walking during the A when I did trust them.

 

I don't know whether I need to leave, or just grow up. This is a terribly important decision for me and my H. And my kids. It really is the first time I have faced this kind of problem.

 

The way I feel tonight as opposed to last night is that my H is the dearest person in all the world to me, and that xMOM is a rat. My feelings fluctuate. I don't trust them. So I am doing the rational thing at the moment, which is to stay and try to work it out.

 

I will try and get some perspective, and LS helps.

 

Getting over an A is not as simple as switching a light switch...it just isn't. I know. It takes everyone a different amount of time to get to a point where they no longer have painful emotions. WW you are doing all the right things. You are NC. You are trying with your huband...these are things within your control...your behavior. Your emotions will follow. I have to admit I get tired of people giving others crap because of what they feel...it is very invalidating and unrealistic.

 

 

I agree that you should not walk until you feel that you can trust your emotions. When in doubt do nothing. This is bigger then some decision that you make based on emotions that will change. WW go to an IC, have them help you in the process of sorting all this out. I think as time goes on, and as you work on what has happened, and what you want to happen you will gain clarity, insight, and prespective. Good luck to you.

[Devil Inside]

samantha,

 

"certainly less seriously considered"

 

please don't,

 

when you are not even close to serious about your 27yrs of M(poor bast**** doesn't even know what he is dealing with)...

 

how can i possibly expect you to.

 

I have to say that I am quite disturbed that you continue to just throw out these universal statements. "not even close to serious"...really? Have you read her posts at all? If you did you could see that she has a very serious struggle on her hands when it comes to her marriage. For you to say otherwise is narrow minded and limited.

 

You asked me in another thread if I was just showing sympathy for a fellow cheaters...nope not sympathy..it's called empathy. It means I put myself in another's shoes...you should try it sometime. Oh...and I am not only a fellow cheater..but I am also a BS, and a family therapist..so when I speak of having respect for folks that struggle with broken marriages and infidelity it is coming from a broader base then just trying to justify the actions of cheaters.

[datura_noir]

I think sometimes that people can "overthink" stuff, and over-analyze things; why not just go with the flow and see where it takes you? This goes for BS too....

 

Perhaps spending time with yourself is the key to what you wish to unlock. And it's wonderful that you post here, but I find that at times, reading these threads and posting keeps me mired in things.

 

 

Don't ask why I'm posting now, BTW! I have Ow's brother & GF on my Christmas card list and finally sent the card!

[eeyore1981]

Getting over an A is not as simple as switching a light switch...it just isn't. I know. It takes everyone a different amount of time to get to a point where they no longer have painful emotions. WW you are doing all the right things. You are NC. You are trying with your huband...these are things within your control...your behavior. Your emotions will follow. I have to admit I get tired of people giving others crap because of what they feel...it is very invalidating and unrealistic.

 

 

I agree that you should not walk until you feel that you can trust your emotions. When in doubt do nothing. This is bigger then some decision that you make based on emotions that will change. WW go to an IC, have them help you in the process of sorting all this out. I think as time goes on, and as you work on what has happened, and what you want to happen you will gain clarity, insight, and prespective. Good luck to you.

 

BBM

 

I'm not sure if that is at all directed towards me or not, but I have a few things to say about it anyway.

 

When I was trying to decide how I felt about one guy and what my feelings were for another guy, I called that dating. Anyone remember dating?

 

As a family therapist, I would hope you would have an understanding of what a marriage is, but maybe I am naive, or just glaringly stupid. I'm not a family therapist, but it seems to me a marriage is a contract between two people, with the rules being what has been decided between those two people.

 

When a marriage is established as monogamous, there are rules that go with it. When one person cheats, what they have done is decide their partner should still play by the rules, but they are for whatever reasons suddenly exempt from those same rules. (And I don't remember the sequence of events in your story, DI, but I do admit confusion. I can't see how I could be all that angry, hurt, or upset if I, as well as my H, had been cheating. Seems like a double standard to me, but maybe I OD'd on that Pina Coloda song in my youth.) This is strictly my opinion, with no scientific data to back it up, as to why a lot of people cheat instead of getting a divorce. Those cheaters can't handle a level playing field. If they divorce, and their ex has the same opportunity to have that 'feel good' feeling with someone else, the ex might meet someone before they do, and leave them high and dry. Nope, can't have that. Doesn't even require a divorce, just an open marriage with both parties in agreement, but we don't see much of that, either, do we?

 

If WW's H is fully aware of her feelings, and is willing to stick it out with her while she waffles back and forth on what she wants to do, I say more power to both of them, as it is their marriage, and THEIR rules. But if she is just stringing him along, keeping him around as a backup while she flops around trying to make up her mind, I stick by what I said before. Whatever WW is feeling right now, good or bad, was brought on her by herself, and she has no right to drag her H down even further if he is not willing to go because of her actions that caused this whole mess in the first place. IMO, at this point in time, his feelings take priority, and he should be made very aware while he is trying to work past the affair committed by his wife she is thinking about how great her love for the OM is/was, and she is thinking about leaving him anyway. Maybe he won't be willing to put himself through it, maybe he will, but shouldn't he be allowed to make an informed decision that has just as much impact on his life as her decision has on hers?

[Spark1111]

Eeyore, good post.

 

Her husband deserves to know the extent of her confusion and the her feelings for the xOM, because then it will be a LEVEL playing field. He can decide if HE want to continue to work on the marriage, or walk away.

 

I think, in our different posts, we agree. Empathy for the WS should also be extended to the BS.

 

Everyone, deserves the truth of the state of their own marriage, IMHO.

 

It's only fair.

[Devil Inside]

BBM

 

I'm not sure if that is at all directed towards me or not, but I have a few things to say about it anyway.

 

 

It wasn't directed at you at all. You make some valid points. If you do remember my story you will see that I did disclose my A. My W was the one that didn't, I had to catch her..so I understand these points more than I think. BTW...nice sarcasm...I do not state that I am a family therapist to show superiority, just so that people know where I am coming from. If it makes you feel insecure, then that is something that you have to own.

 

The "crap" I refer to is that people assume that she can just turn off her emotions. That she should just decided "poof" I don't feel anything for him anymore. She has gone NC. She is working on how she feels. It will follow.

 

As for the issue of whether she should disclose the A or not. Why does that creep into every thread. That was not WW's question. How about we try to answer that question. Yeah we get that she should disclose it. Why don't you all just put that in your signature already? Let's move on and try to help her.

[Devil Inside]

DI,

 

if you want to pick on me every time i post sthg, NP bring it on....(till the new year)

 

in your previous threads...you were dancing to the tune truth will come out, honesty is the way, brings the peace, harmony....was it a mood swing

 

"If you did you could see that she has a very serious struggle on her hands when it comes to her marriage. For you to say otherwise is narrow minded and limited"

 

yes,sam's H is narrow minded to believe his partner is trustworthy...he himself doesn't know what's wrong with it(M) you seem to know better than him.

 

So what happens at New Years? Are you going to disappear? Man I really will have a reason to countdown this year and celebrate...won't I?

 

Listen man, I am not picking on YOU. I am letting you know how I feel about what you are writing. I feel like you are not looking at the whole picture. I feel like it is not fair to look at one part of what is happening in Sam's situation and saying that because of this she is "not even close to serious."

 

As for what I have said. Well for me it was the best way to go. I did disclose the A, as you will remember because you seem to have read every thread as part of your research, which BTW...aren't you in your 20's...dude go out and enjoy life a little. Disclosure is not the best option for everybody...it just isn't. It was for me...it is for many....but not for all.

[Samantha0905]

samantha,

 

"certainly less seriously considered"

 

please don't,

 

when you are not even close to serious about your 27yrs of M(poor bast**** doesn't even know what he is dealing with)...

 

how can i possibly expect you to.

 

Nor do you because you don't know me dear. Don't be so judgmental. Have you had a 27 -- well, actually 33 year -- relationship with anyone other than perhaps your mother?

 

Merry Christmas!!

[Samantha0905]

I have to say that I am quite disturbed that you continue to just throw out these universal statements. "not even close to serious"...really? Have you read her posts at all? If you did you could see that she has a very serious struggle on her hands when it comes to her marriage. For you to say otherwise is narrow minded and limited.

 

You asked me in another thread if I was just showing sympathy for a fellow cheaters...nope not sympathy..it's called empathy. It means I put myself in another's shoes...you should try it sometime. Oh...and I am not only a fellow cheater..but I am also a BS, and a family therapist..so when I speak of having respect for folks that struggle with broken marriages and infidelity it is coming from a broader base then just trying to justify the actions of cheaters.

 

Thank you. And Merry Christmas to you also!!